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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Friend is refusing to attend DD's Christening

189 replies

LouBan · 12/01/2022 00:11

My DD has just turned two and we are finally getting her dedicated (just like a Christening but without water). We would have done it soon after she was born but had to put things on hold due to Covid. We have chosen to invite just family, godparents and one other close friend who is almost like family. He is not a Christian and doesn't like the idea of church at all but we have been to weddings and a funeral with him, all were which in churches and he seemed fine. Ever since our DD was born he has said he would come to her dedication even though he doesn't like church. Now 10 days before, he has let us know by text that he's not coming without giving a reason. AiBU to be upset? We are asking him to be part of something that is really special to us but it is for us and our DD, not him, and as a friend I think he should respect that we want to do this at our church. All he has to do is sit through one church service (No one is going to check if he's singing the hymns or joining in the prayers) and join us for lunch afterwards. I don't think this is a lot to ask. AIBU?

OP posts:
KiloWhat · 12/01/2022 07:32

He's given you 10 days notice.
You know he's not Christian so why does it matter if he's there or not. Surely the whole point is it means a lot to you and your religion and everyone else going who is Christian.
I went to a dedication and as a non Christian found it very uncomfortable.

Cocopogo · 12/01/2022 07:32

I would reply along the lines of oh that’s a shame, hope everything’s ok? Or I’d just call and check he’s ok if he’s such a good friend.

FocacciaFingerer · 12/01/2022 07:35

I always politely decline a Christening
He obviously has his reasons and you should respect them

Technosaurus · 12/01/2022 07:39

I'm an atheist and I don't go to christenings.

Weddings and funerals are organised by consenting adults who choose to believe in it, and I attend them through gritted teeth. Christenings/dedications are, in my opinion, the foisting of one's beliefs onto young child who can't make their own decisions.

Or, even worse, pretending to believe to get into a school at a later stage. Don't even get me started on the "well we're not religious but it's a nice excuse for a get-together" brigade.

If the parents want to do it, that's fine, but I refuse to be present and pretend to be happy for such things.

Technosaurus · 12/01/2022 07:40

*should have said "Religious weddings/funerals are organised..."

GoodnightGrandma · 12/01/2022 07:41

He has every right to not go and not give you a reason.

MyOtherProfile · 12/01/2022 07:44

You need to ask him if he is ok. He might have a genuine reason.

ExcaliburBaby · 12/01/2022 07:45

I think YABU. Many people who are not keen on religion can tolerate church weddings as they involve consenting adults. Christenings involve pledging a Christian lifestyle for a child who has no say in the matter. This doesn’t sit well with many people. If this is the case with your friend I think while it’s ok to be disappointed that he won’t be there, you need to respect his views. Funerals are also a different situation as they are about paying respects/ saying goodbye to someone in the manner they would have wanted.

5128gap · 12/01/2022 07:47

I can understand why someone would object more to a christening than wedding or funeral. People having church weddings and funerals have chosen to do so, so are presumably accepting of the religious aspects. A child has no choice in the promises made on their behalf, so it seems more of an imposition somehow, and for people very opposed to religion, I can see this would be a moral conflict for them. Would he attend a reception afterwards? I think as a friend he should be prepared to do this.

LadyPenelope68 · 12/01/2022 07:47

@LouBan
Weddings and funeral have non religious elements. Marriage is a legal thing as well as a religious one. A funeral is a personal way of saying good bye. There are reasons to go to both of them even if the ceremonies are religious. A christening/dedication is purely about the religion. Yes its a party for the individual, but the ceremony has no other value than religion. An atheist may not want to celebrate the induction of someone into religion especially when the individual involved (baby/toddler) has no understanding of what's going

Absolutely this ^^

You sound like hard work and very entitled, plus as someone else has said, it’s an invitation not a summons.

milkieway · 12/01/2022 07:47

You need to ask if he's ok- at the moment you've no idea why he isn't coming but he does have every right to decline your invite even at this late stage

ArblemarchTFruitbat · 12/01/2022 07:52

If he'd said repeatedly that he'd come and then cancelled by text without giving any reason, I think he is being unreasonable. It would be different if it had never been discussed between the friend and the OP or if the friend had always said he wouldn't attend.

FWIW I am an agnostic but it wouldn't stop me attending this sort of ceremony for a friend.

AnnaSW1 · 12/01/2022 07:56

I think YABU

TheNoodlesIncident · 12/01/2022 07:56

Ten days seems like plenty notice that he's changed his mind, for whatever reason, to attend an event like this. It's not like a concert or theatre tickets, it's a religious ceremony in a church. I've attended a Christening and I didn't repeat all the solemn vows of helping the child follow a religion I'm not invested in. The parents and near family can, if they like, but we are simply family friends and it's nothing to do with us. I do note the difference between the two ceremonies but to be honest, there doesn't seem a lot in it between them. Maybe your friend doesn't see much difference either.

But there are many reasons why he might now feel he can't attend, including some very obvious ones. So I don't think you're being reasonable to be annoyed at his letting you know in advance he won't be attending after all.

3scape · 12/01/2022 07:58

Forcing religion on a child is very different to an adult making a decision of their own to attend a religious ceremony.

BUT you don't even know that he's even being reluctant to put aside his beliefs for the sake of yours. If he'd wanted to say he would have done. Perhaps respecting other's privacy isn't something you believe in. Also. Friends (except church ones) generally aren't obliged to attend these family occasions.

muddyford · 12/01/2022 08:04

I think you are being unreasonable describing the dedication ceremony as a christening when it isn't. The two things are entirely different.

Everydaydayisaschoolday · 12/01/2022 08:10

My DB is a non-believer but he still attends family events in church because he respects their importance to other family members as rites of passage. I doubt very much he would agree to attend a church service just as a precursor to a party.

Places of worship have been open with restrictions in place since at least autumn 2020 so this dedication could have happened months or even a year ago, although maybe without as many guests in attendance. Your friend might be interpreting your decision to delay the date as an indication that the social side of the occasion was less important to you than its religious significance, hence his deciding it isn't important for him to attend.

Whatever the reason and there could be a million, he's a close friend to you, as good as family, so I would put my hurt feelings aside and give him the benefit of any doubt.

BeMoreGoldfish · 12/01/2022 08:19

As other pp have said, he probably passionately disagrees with a child being introduced into a religion with no choice on her part. I wouldn’t come either. Then I could tell her when she’s older that I made a stand on her behalf 😀.

girlmom21 · 12/01/2022 08:22

YABU to compare weddings and funerals to 'dedications' or christenings.

Ask him why he's not coming.

bigbluebus · 12/01/2022 08:25

How do you know that his decision not to attend isn't Covid related? Maybe he's got something else coming up that he needs to make sure he's not in isolation for so doesn't want to meet with a group indoors. Unless he's given a reason then you're just speculating. Ask him if it bothers you that much.

saleorbouy · 12/01/2022 08:27

It's an invitation not a summons, if he has declined then move on and accept this, he does not have to give you reasons.
Enjoy the day with your family and don't let this affect your friendship.

verytiredofbeingshoutedat · 12/01/2022 08:30

It isn't covid related or the friend would have said

Really why people are 'reaching for reasons' is not one me. OPs friend would say if he wanted to. He has changed his mind with 10'days to go as it isn't important to him to attend
If it was important to him to attend, like any normal person he would say "I'd love to come but ... am worried about covid .. don't like religion/churches... am unwell... have a family thing / work meeting can't get out of..." whatever reason. As people tell you their agendas. No reason given means it's a choice,

MarineBlue33 · 12/01/2022 08:31

I had a friend who was baptised as an adult and a lot of her friends who were not believers attended the baptism because though they didn't share the same beliefs, they knew it was an important event to her.
I guess this 'no' from your friend shows you clearly what he thinks. However it would be a good idea to ask him.
Do you go to church regularly- are you practicing Christians or is this a rare event in terms of your attendance?
The reason I ask is because your friend wouldn't be too surprised by you doing a dedication if you regular church attendees.

Parker231 · 12/01/2022 08:33

I go to christenings but happy to avoid them when I can as they aren’t something I agree with. Let the child decide on whether they want to follow an organised religion when they are old enough to understand rather than you making the decision for them as a baby.

Seemssounfair · 12/01/2022 08:39

getting her dedicated (just like a Christening but without water)

It is not really a christening without water. I assume you are planning she will be christened at the later date (if/when she chooses).

Dedication is a ceremony for church goers that means nothing really to someone who is not religious and I think a lot of non religious people would want to decline and that should be taken with good grace.

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