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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Friend is refusing to attend DD's Christening

189 replies

LouBan · 12/01/2022 00:11

My DD has just turned two and we are finally getting her dedicated (just like a Christening but without water). We would have done it soon after she was born but had to put things on hold due to Covid. We have chosen to invite just family, godparents and one other close friend who is almost like family. He is not a Christian and doesn't like the idea of church at all but we have been to weddings and a funeral with him, all were which in churches and he seemed fine. Ever since our DD was born he has said he would come to her dedication even though he doesn't like church. Now 10 days before, he has let us know by text that he's not coming without giving a reason. AiBU to be upset? We are asking him to be part of something that is really special to us but it is for us and our DD, not him, and as a friend I think he should respect that we want to do this at our church. All he has to do is sit through one church service (No one is going to check if he's singing the hymns or joining in the prayers) and join us for lunch afterwards. I don't think this is a lot to ask. AIBU?

OP posts:
elliejjtiny · 12/01/2022 01:49

Yabu sorry. None of my family came to my youngest dc's dedication (it was me, dh, the dc's, dh's family and the people from the church) so I do understand.

Just for info, a dedication is just thanking God for the safe arrival of the baby and singing a few hymns. It's not commiting the child to anything. My dc were all dedicated as babies and then dc1 chose to be baptised when he was 12.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/01/2022 01:49

You're being ridiculous. The world doesn't revolve around your plans. You have no idea why he isn't going and it's none of your business anyway.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 12/01/2022 01:55

I understand that you’re put out but I agree with other posters who have explained the difference between the religious aspects of christenings.

I personally tend to avoid going to christenings of children whose parents I know don’t believe in god. I don’t believe in god either so I’m not going to go and sit and waste an hour listening to people make promises neither I nor they believe in.

grapewine · 12/01/2022 02:06

He doesn't want to be a hypocrite, that's fair enough. If that's even the reason - you don't know. YABU to think he has to come because you invited him.

NeedingAGoodNap · 12/01/2022 02:11

Yabu as you don’t actually know why he canceled. Your are also being unreasonable by not being accepting of his beliefs and feel that yours should be respected over his.

Many people, myself included, feel uncomfortable with religious events for children. I would never attend these as I feel like it is indoctrination and I cannot support it. Religious weddings and funerals are very different as adults have chosen to participate.

Jabbawasarollingstone · 12/01/2022 02:14

YABU. I was asked to come to a christening of my friend's son years ago, and I said no because I'm an atheist and I avoid religious services like the plague. I mean all religions, not just Christianity. I'd be a total hypocrite for turning up.

Bollindger · 12/01/2022 02:21

Why lose a friend over this?
One day or a lifetime without him around!
Don't die on this hill.

Poochnewbie1 · 12/01/2022 02:32

As an aside, it may help if you explained more about what a dedication is so people who haven’t heard of it here understand. A dedication isn’t just a Christening without water. It’s welcoming the child into the church family and asking them to be involved in the child’s life and pray for them as they grow up. The key part is that you’re asking them to do this until the child is old enough to decide for themselves whether following Christianity is for them or not. The child/adult gets to decide if they want to be baptised when they are much older and are certain that that is what they want. I have chosen this route for both of my children. I am a Christian and honestly hope that my children do choose the faith for themselves. However, they’re encouraged to question, challenge and think for themselves. They have access to information about a range of faiths and I’m very comfortable with them exploring. Faith is meaningless if it’s forced on. Someone, it needs to really mean something to them and needs to be a chosen path.

OP, I do think YABU. You don’t know the reason he has changed his mind. And as a op said, if he doesn’t have a faith himself, he won’t understand the importance of the event to you. Talk to him about it openly and honestly.

ToManySnacks · 12/01/2022 02:32

This has got to be a reverse surely

As you have said its for you and your child, not him

So it wouldnt matter that his not there would it

mjf981 · 12/01/2022 02:49

@Happyfeet1972

I know of some non religious people who would go to weddings or funerals in churches but not attend baptisms/christenings. The reason being is that weddings and funerals, the people involved are adults. I know a few people very uncomfortable with the idea of babies being inducted into a religion which they have had no choice over. It may be an extreme view but its one I've come across more than once. If this person is a good friend I wouldn't let this get in the way - if it is religion preventing him from attending, he's probably not telling you his full views to spare your feelings. He can support and be there for your dd in other ways.
This is my viewpoint on christenings. It may be his. You need to ask.
UnsuitableHat · 12/01/2022 02:58

Yanbu to be upset but I think it’s just something to accept.

ImustLearn2Cook · 12/01/2022 03:16

He is your friend. If you are his friend then have some care and concern for his feelings.

You don’t really know what his reasons are for not attending. Maybe he is unwell, maybe something bad has happened and he doesn’t want to talk about it yet, maybe something else has come up on that date that he needs to attend, maybe it’s as you think and he is uncomfortable with attending the church service.

Be his friend and respect his freedom to attend or not to attend your dedication service. Without obligation, guilt or blame or being accused of not being a good friend.

ImustLearn2Cook · 12/01/2022 03:19

Also, he doesn’t really have to give you a reason, it may be something very personal.

1AngelicFruitCake · 12/01/2022 03:31

Are you religious? Do you attend church and plan on taking your child? I feel very uncomfortable going to christenings as usually it’s a show and there is no intention of bringing up the child practising the religion, they just want the Facebook photos, the party etc.

twominutesmore · 12/01/2022 03:31

I think it's rubbish that he repeatedly said he'd come but changed his mind ten days before, by text, without a reason.

But I wouldn't be particularly bothered that one person wasn't coming and it wouldn't spoil the day for me.

If he was a good friend in other ways I'd wait until I saw him and explain that I thought it was a shabby way to drop out.

madisonbridges · 12/01/2022 03:55

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. He's happy to go to church for the big nosh and party afterwards. Where are his anti Christian scruples then? Does he refuse to go when there are little children as attendants? He's not worried about their minds being corrupted. Very hypocritical.

CakesOfVersailles · 12/01/2022 04:43

@SpindleyCrow

I think you need to accept this with good grace.

Christenings / baptisms / dedications (not heard that one before) aren't for everyone and I think that your friend did try to warn you of that repeatedly.

I think there's a deep Christian religiosity about christenings that isn't present these days within the concepts and events of weddings and funerals.

I don't think the friend did warn her repeatedly though. The OP says:

Ever since our DD was born he has said he would come to her dedication even though he doesn't like church.

However OP, I think SpindleyCrow is right that you will have to accept it with good grace.

Personally with a close friend I think it is ok to gently ask once why he is not coming, but whatever his answer (even if he chooses to be evasive) you must accept it.

I don't think you're wrong to be a bit hurt though. I have attended weddings and christening-equivalents for denominations and faiths that are not my own. I do not say any vows from the community if I do not believe, but I do show up to support the parents and welcome the baby into the community if I am invited.

A dedication is an unusual one to object to because there is no baptism - it is purely welcoming the baby.

Enjoy your toddler and have a lovely day with your family.

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/01/2022 04:48

Seeing as he always said he would attend YANBU to be upset. YABU to expect him to come. The reality has hit him by the sound of it. But he was immature to ever say he’d attend. And it’s rude. I Was asked to be godmother in my 20s and I felt uncomfortable repeating the religious phrases. For context, dd is not christened and I am not anti attending a church or singing hymns. Neither is dh. But neither of had a burning desire to take her to church for this ritual.

merrymouse · 12/01/2022 04:52

[quote TurkeyRoastvBubbleandSqueek]**@LouBan I have put that you are not being unreasonable, and that is because he has said all along that he will go to the ceremony, and now 10 days beforehand has changed his mind, without even giving you a reason why. So I think that he is being unreasonable for apparently suddenly changing his mind and not having a mature discussion with you about why. I hope you all have a lovely Dedication Day, and that your friend continues to be considered as (almost) family.[/quote]
Agree

teezletangler · 12/01/2022 05:00

Are you religious? Do you attend church and plan on taking your child? I feel very uncomfortable going to christenings as usually it’s a show and there is no intention of bringing up the child practising the religion

I find this such a weird attitude. Cultural Christianity is a real thing, as is cultural adherence to all sorts of religions, without much true belief or active practice. I know a lot of Jewish people and the majority are probably agnostic. They are almost entirely secular and adhere to some practices but are not down the synagogue on a Friday night.

Surely people have heard the phrase "hatching, matching and dispatching"? Religion is often there for the big moments of our lives- birth, marriage and death. What is so terrible about wanting to mark major moments in life with rituals? This is one of the core functions of religion throughout history.

Somebodylikeyew · 12/01/2022 05:04

He’s not a Christian
He doesn’t like being in church
It’s not his child
He’s not a godparent
He’s not a relative
No other non-relative non-godparents have been invited
There’s a pandemic on

I think you’re being massively unreasonable to think he should be there.

TomPinch · 12/01/2022 05:08

@NeedingAGoodNap

Yabu as you don’t actually know why he canceled. Your are also being unreasonable by not being accepting of his beliefs and feel that yours should be respected over his.

Many people, myself included, feel uncomfortable with religious events for children. I would never attend these as I feel like it is indoctrination and I cannot support it. Religious weddings and funerals are very different as adults have chosen to participate.

Each to their own, but I would probably quietly drop a friendship with someone with the views on your second paragraph.
Moonmelodies · 12/01/2022 05:43

Whatever his reason, why not simply forgive him?

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 12/01/2022 05:48

@Moonmelodies

Whatever his reason, why not simply forgive him?
That would be the Christian thing to do
verytiredofbeingshoutedat · 12/01/2022 06:18

Yes yabu

He isn't coming to the dedication
I'm assuming he's not a godparent . If he was to be a godparent then remove him and pick someone else

He's telling you the role he wants to have - which is as a friend of yours only. Not someone who has a big part in your DD's life as this dedication doesn't interest him for whatever reason

People tell you what they want and who they want to be in your life. Watch his actions not what you think is your relationship with him