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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU Friend is refusing to attend DD's Christening

189 replies

LouBan · 12/01/2022 00:11

My DD has just turned two and we are finally getting her dedicated (just like a Christening but without water). We would have done it soon after she was born but had to put things on hold due to Covid. We have chosen to invite just family, godparents and one other close friend who is almost like family. He is not a Christian and doesn't like the idea of church at all but we have been to weddings and a funeral with him, all were which in churches and he seemed fine. Ever since our DD was born he has said he would come to her dedication even though he doesn't like church. Now 10 days before, he has let us know by text that he's not coming without giving a reason. AiBU to be upset? We are asking him to be part of something that is really special to us but it is for us and our DD, not him, and as a friend I think he should respect that we want to do this at our church. All he has to do is sit through one church service (No one is going to check if he's singing the hymns or joining in the prayers) and join us for lunch afterwards. I don't think this is a lot to ask. AIBU?

OP posts:

Seemssounfair · 12/01/2022 08:41

@Parker231

I go to christenings but happy to avoid them when I can as they aren’t something I agree with. Let the child decide on whether they want to follow an organised religion when they are old enough to understand rather than you making the decision for them as a baby.

Thats what a dedication usually is, it says the parents will being them up in the church. The child allegedly decides later if they want christened and there is yet another ceremony.

BridStar · 12/01/2022 08:42

He hasn't birthed the kid so he's under no obligation to attend various kid related ceremonies.

JugglingJanuary · 12/01/2022 08:47

Could you be any more entitled?

He's allowed not to want to come. A 'christening/dedication is vastly different from a wedding or funeral.

Withnailandyou · 12/01/2022 08:47

I always politely decline christenings, for me they are clearly religious.

I dont mind celebrating a wedding or a funeral that's been chosen to take place in a church because that feels like a wider celebration of the couple

I always feel like baptisms, christenings etc are very much about welcoming the child into the church family and about their religious guidance of which I won't be a part of.

It feels like a celebration of a specific part of their life and an induction to something that I'm just not involved in.

There are also parts in some of the ones I've been too where the congregation is asked to affirm they will support the child in developing their faith etc.

Hoppinggreen · 12/01/2022 08:51

I will attend weddings in a church but not Christenings if I can avoid it.
The child isn’t giving its consent to be given to God or whatever it is they do and the whole concept isn’t right to me.
Of course that night not be why Your friend doesn’t want to come but it’s seems he doesn’t so you should respect that.

aSofaNearYou · 12/01/2022 08:54

As others have said, YABU as you don't know what his reason is. He may have a different one.

But just to explain from a raging atheist's perspective - Christening's are quite different from weddings and funerals. To start with, there's a point to weddings and funerals besides the religious aspect, which isn't there with christenings. And then there's how religious they actually are. If I wasn't trying to be polite, my eyes would have got stuck from rolling so much at the Christenings I've been to, and that's not to mention the incredibly uncomfortable bit where you're expected to pledge to help raise them in the Christian faith, if you're a god parent.

I can see why he would not want to go. But regardless, there could be a totally unrelated reason.

backtolifebacktoreality · 12/01/2022 09:07

A wedding is to create a legally binding partnership.

A funeral is to pay your respects to someone who has passed.

A christening is a religious ceremony that can be perceived as hypocritical as godparents, many of whom don't believe or go to church, promise to bring the children up within the Christian faith. I've been to a christening where they couldn't wait to get out of church and to the pub for a drink!!!!

backtolifebacktoreality · 12/01/2022 09:09

My mum is religious and asked me specifically NOT to get my baby christened. She wanted her to make her own decision when she is an adult!

Toocoldtocamp · 12/01/2022 09:12

You may also have to be prepared for your close single male friend to drift away ... it happens to most people when they have children and friends/friend doesn't. Its not so tricky with first child but second it just gets boring for even the most committed childless friend for a good few years. Maybe he just doesn't want to be doing all the kids stuff (he may actually be viewing the party as another thing to do with your child.) Not to say he doesn't like your child but even the closest of friends struggle to care that much. And not to generalise but I've never known a man to be that interested.
He isn't going to want to tell you that. Its a confusing time really.

Ovenaffray · 12/01/2022 09:14

@negomi90

Weddings and funeral have non religious elements. Marriage is a legal thing as well as a religious one. A funeral is a personal way of saying good bye. There are reasons to go to both of them even if the ceremonies are religious. A christening/dedication is purely about the religion. Yes its a party for the individual, but the ceremony has no other value than religion. An atheist may not want to celebrate the induction of someone into religion especially when the individual involved (baby/toddler) has no understanding of what's going on. The principle is very different.

This. I wouldn’t go to a christening or a dedication.

I’ve been to one “dedication” 20+ years ago and the baby’s life was “dedicated to the service of the lord”.

I’m no longer religious and I simply cannot and will not support that sort of statement.

Lou98 · 12/01/2022 09:25

YABU, have you asked him why he now isn't coming? Might be worth doing that instead of assuming as it could be nothing related.

as a friend I think he should respect that we want to do this at our church. All he has to do is sit through one church service (No one is going to check if he's singing the hymns or joining in the prayers) and join us for lunch afterwards. I don't think this is a lot to ask

You don't think it's a lot to ask because you're religious. As a friend - you should respect that he isn't.
Weddings and Funerals are completely different imo, it isn't all purely religious based and these are adults making that choice themselves and consenting.
Baptisms/Christenings/Dedications are purely religious focused, the baby doesn't get a say. I was one recently for a family members baby, I'm not religious myself but respect that everyone has different views so I went but honestly I was uncomfortable with what was being said when you really listen, I don't agree with what they're saying is expected of baby/Godparents etc and so in future, I probably wouldn't go to another one.

As I say, everyone is entitled to their opinions and beliefs and just as you are religious and do believe in God and want that path for your baby, he doesn't and you need to respect that as he's respected you

PurpleDaisies · 12/01/2022 09:27

If they’re a such good friend, why can’t you have a conversation about what’s changed?

I agree that they’re not “refusing” to come. They just aren’t coming.

KiloWhat · 12/01/2022 09:34

@PurpleDaisies

If they’re a such good friend, why can’t you have a conversation about what’s changed?

I agree that they’re not “refusing” to come. They just aren’t coming.

Agreed, it's not a refusal. They have just declined the invite.

I think you need to think about why it is so important to you that your non religious friend sees you promise your child to your religion

Original poster

LouBan · 12/01/2022 10:26

We attend church regularly and our faith is very important to us. My husband is actually training to become a Vicar. Our friend knows all this so shouldn't be surprised. We were just hurt that he doesn't want to come.

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 12/01/2022 10:34

@LouBan

But you know he's not religious so why's your religion more important than his lack of religion?

Ovenaffray · 12/01/2022 10:41

@LouBan

But you know he’s not religious? So you’re imposing your religiosity on him? What right do you have to do that?

ImustLearn2Cook · 12/01/2022 10:43

@LouBan I get that you are hurt that he doesn’t want to come but do you actually know that he doesn’t want to come? Maybe he has a legitimate reason and you are feeling hurt for no reason. Why would he up until recently say he is coming if he didn’t want to all along?

If I was in your shoes my first thought would be concern for my friend and hoping that they were ok. I would also give my friend the benefit of the doubt until I had evidence to the contrary.

Lou98 · 12/01/2022 10:50

@LouBan

He's not surprised, he just has different beliefs, unless I've missed something he's not told you you shouldn't be having your child christened, he just doesn't want to be there! And you're not even sure that that is actually the reason why

Bollindger · 12/01/2022 10:58

This is all about YOU.
YOU are demanding he go.
YOU are upset.
YOU think he has to support YOUR way of life.
Do you want to keep this friend?
Good friends are hard to find, is this worth the fight.?

55Jumbo · 12/01/2022 11:02

I think it would be nice if he gave a reason tbh. "I'm not coming" isn't great from a close friend regardless of the event. He must know you'll be disappointed and wonder about it.

But if he doesn't want to go, and CBA to explain it in any way, whatever. His choice. You'll still have a good day.

RainbowBridge21 · 12/01/2022 11:06

Op in the nicest possible way. Get over yourself. Why is it so important to you that other people watch your baby get dedicated. The baby doesn't even understand what's happened. Is this about your religion or about getting attention from your friends regardless how uncomfortable it makes them. Whether he's there or not should have no impact on the act of 'dedicating'.

Diggersaursarethebest · 12/01/2022 11:12

Suggest he comes to just the lunch afterwards? If it’s important to you he’s there for an important moment in your lives and your child’s life, then lunch but not church is a good compromise.

KiloWhat · 12/01/2022 11:18

@Diggersaursarethebest

Suggest he comes to just the lunch afterwards? If it’s important to you he’s there for an important moment in your lives and your child’s life, then lunch but not church is a good compromise.

He doesn't have to compromise. And I wouldn't want to go to a celebratory lunch for something I really disagreed with.

iheartredsquirrels · 12/01/2022 11:26

Sorry but I think yabu, it's his choice not to go.

Honeyroar · 12/01/2022 11:26

I detest christenings. At the last one I went to I was sitting quietly (thinking what twaddle!) while people repeated the religious lines the vicar wanted the crowd to say. The vicar said not enough people were joining in and kept making people say the lines until I joined in. I have never accepted a christening invite since! I think it’s awful to force religion onto a child, especially in the case of parents that just want a christening for the “show”.

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