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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Friend is refusing to attend DD's Christening

189 replies

LouBan · 12/01/2022 00:11

My DD has just turned two and we are finally getting her dedicated (just like a Christening but without water). We would have done it soon after she was born but had to put things on hold due to Covid. We have chosen to invite just family, godparents and one other close friend who is almost like family. He is not a Christian and doesn't like the idea of church at all but we have been to weddings and a funeral with him, all were which in churches and he seemed fine. Ever since our DD was born he has said he would come to her dedication even though he doesn't like church. Now 10 days before, he has let us know by text that he's not coming without giving a reason. AiBU to be upset? We are asking him to be part of something that is really special to us but it is for us and our DD, not him, and as a friend I think he should respect that we want to do this at our church. All he has to do is sit through one church service (No one is going to check if he's singing the hymns or joining in the prayers) and join us for lunch afterwards. I don't think this is a lot to ask. AIBU?

OP posts:
iheartredsquirrels · 12/01/2022 11:29

@55Jumbo

I think it would be nice if he gave a reason tbh. "I'm not coming" isn't great from a close friend regardless of the event. He must know you'll be disappointed and wonder about it.

But if he doesn't want to go, and CBA to explain it in any way, whatever. His choice. You'll still have a good day.

Ffs cba? Just doesn't feel the need /want to attend. As a pagan, I would NEVER go to something like a christening, Op needs to respect her friends decision.
Pumasonsatsumas · 12/01/2022 11:31

YABU for having a pointless ceremony rather than a proper christening.

Toddlerteaplease · 12/01/2022 11:31

Surprised a church will do a 'dedication' rather than a baptism!

Ovenaffray · 12/01/2022 11:35

Shepherding churches and other churches that do adult baptism (profession of faith) often do dedication services for infants.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 12/01/2022 11:36

I put YABU for a couple of reasons.

You don't actually know why he can't attend, it may be nothing to do with the church.

I'm not religious myself but my outer family is (aunts, uncles, grandparents etc) and I fundamentally disagree with an awful lot they've done in the name of religion. I'm happy to attend marriages and funerals but won't attend christenings for a baby/child.

Viviennemary · 12/01/2022 11:41

Dedicated to what? People need to understand what they are witnessing.

TurkeyRoastvBubbleandSqueek · 12/01/2022 11:44

@Moonmelodies

Whatever his reason, why not simply forgive him?
Would it not be rude to forgive someone who has not asked to be forgiven? I would not be happy if someone forgave me for something I had or hadn't done if I felt that I had made the right decision.
Ovenaffray · 12/01/2022 11:48

@Viviennemary

Dedicated to what? People need to understand what they are witnessing.
The one I attended the verbiage was that the baby’s life was dedicated to the service of the lord.
SlashBeef · 12/01/2022 11:52

I don't go to christenings either. Church and religion is important to you. Why should other people be forced to participate if they don't feel comfortable?

Foolsrule · 12/01/2022 11:57

YABU. He’d be a hypocrite to attend the dedication when he’s not religious.

Diggersaursarethebest · 12/01/2022 12:30

@KiloWhat of course he doesn’t have to compromise. The is an idea for something the OP could suggest to him.
But he might want to compromise. Where I live lots of people do ´civil baptisms’ meaning a non religious party/ceremony to introduce a new child to the parents social group and extended family and to officially appoint guardian figures (like godparents but not religious). Some people do see non-religious elements in a christening.
It’s pretty difficult to stay friends with people who’s world-view is very different to yours if there is no compromise on either side.

TheNoodlesIncident · 12/01/2022 12:32

@LouBan

We attend church regularly and our faith is very important to us. My husband is actually training to become a Vicar. Our friend knows all this so shouldn't be surprised. We were just hurt that he doesn't want to come.
Why aren't you getting your DD christened then, instead of a dedication ceremony? That doesn't seem to make sense?

My NDN is a vicar and he wouldn't have dreamed of not having his kids christened, any of them...

I can see that it would sting, since your friend had said he would attend. But maybe his change of decision is not intended to be a snub to either of you?

MarineBlue33 · 12/01/2022 12:33

I will clarify what a dedication is.
This is when the parents say that they will bring the child up as a Christian.
It does not make the child a Christian.
The child has the option of being baptised later on if they have made their own decision to follow Christ.
Following Jesus, is an option of free will.
Baptising a baby is a tradition but it doesn't make the child a Christian. However some denominations choose to dedicate their baby to Jesus (and some do baptisms).
This is because in some churches, you can't get baptised as an adult if you bave been baptised as a child.
OP, has every right to bring her child up in her faith.
However, OP, I am.sorry your friend isn't coming. Sounds like you need to have a frank chat with him but just let it go if he doesn't give you too clear an answer. His actions are indicative of his thoughts.
He is stoll your friend but you know more about him now.

PurpleDaisies · 12/01/2022 12:35

My NDN is a vicar and he wouldn't have dreamed of not having his kids christened, any of them...

Infant baptism (christening) is something which Christians don’t all agree on. Plenty of us think children should be allowed to take that step for themselves when they are old enough to decide for themselves.

1AngelicFruitCake · 12/01/2022 12:46

@MelonTits

Surely people have heard the phrase "hatching, matching and dispatching"? Religion is often there for the big moments of our lives- birth, marriage and death. What is so terrible about wanting to mark major moments in life with rituals? This is one of the core functions of religion throughout history.

But a lot of people now think more critically about that sort of thing, realise it’s often a bit of a sham and decide not to participate. I appreciate that cultural Christianity does run strong in Britain but I’m glad that there is less blind following of that now.

I went to a few christenings as a child & enjoyed the pretty dress I wore and the chance to see family, and then didn’t go to another one until I was about 24 and my best friend had her daughter christened. It was then I realised what an odd ritual it was (especially for someone who had a non-religious wedding on an Italian lakefront!) and I haven’t been to one since.

I agree. I find it ‘weird’ that people use going to a church, get christened then forget about it as something you just do! What’s the point unless it has proper meaning behind it?
Hemingwayzcatz · 12/01/2022 13:07

It might be nothing to do with the fact it’s a christening, perhaps he has personal problems he didn’t wish to divulge. Who knows really.

Ovenaffray · 12/01/2022 13:45

There are many branches of Christianity that do adult baptism with adult confession of faith.

Those tend to have a dedication service for babies.

This isn’t hard to understand, surely?

Sportslady44 · 12/01/2022 15:03

Do you want to lose his friendship if so carry on moaning and making a thing of it.

I should just let it it dosent matter if he is there or not as long as you and your daughter are what does it matter?

MsMeNz · 12/01/2022 15:10

Yeah I can't stand going to religious stuff it makes me deeply uncomfortable to the point of panic (I have religion based traumas) i still love and respect those that do all that so long as they don't try to push and of it on me. Maybe it's not that bad for your friend but no everyone is comfortable with that stuff. I appreciate I seem dramatic about this stuff so I never discuss irl.

Stroopwaffle5000 · 12/01/2022 16:04

@MintJulia

yabu. You are asking him to pay lip service to a religion in which he has no faith. To be a hypocrite.

And you are asking him to support you in imposing that religion on a child who cannot make their own decision.

He must be allowed to act with his conscience.

This is why I refuse to attend Christenings.
WeAllHaveWings · 12/01/2022 16:36

@LouBan

We attend church regularly and our faith is very important to us. My husband is actually training to become a Vicar. Our friend knows all this so shouldn't be surprised. We were just hurt that he doesn't want to come.
Hopefully he will have more understanding by the end of his training Hmm
bluegreygreen · 12/01/2022 17:47

I think you are being unreasonable for two reasons

  • one, you haven't had a conversation with your friend to ask him why he no longer wants to come (you don't actually know)
  • two, there are many reasons, detailed in the thread, why people would not be comfortable attending a dedication / christening when the would attend a different ceremony
Migrainesbythedozen · 13/01/2022 00:19

@LouBan

We attend church regularly and our faith is very important to us. My husband is actually training to become a Vicar. Our friend knows all this so shouldn't be surprised. We were just hurt that he doesn't want to come.
But OP @LouBan do you even know why he is not attending? You haven't even answered that. Did you ask him why? It may be because of the church, it may not be.

You have a right to be hurt, however you need to understand, as pointed out on this thread by many others, that many people do not agree with forcing religion on innocent babies/children. Adults can make up their own minds. But Christenings are dying out because people now see (in their opinion) that it is wrong to do that to a child, hence the difference between weddings/funerals, and christenings.

'If' it is because of religion, maybe he said he would go to placate you, but couldn't go against his values and principles at the end? And doesn't feel he can tell you that he believes what you are doing is wrong? Either way, you need to accept that many people disagree with Christenings and that's ok and to accept that. Just as he needs to accept that you believe in Christenings, and he can either choose to go or not go.

TheHamburgler · 13/01/2022 02:27

Non-religious myself.

I’ll happily go to a religious ceremony for a wedding, because even if I don’t buy (or like) the religious aspects, I can still enjoy friends or family members having a do to celebrate their relationship.

I’ll happily go to a religious funeral to provide emotional support, and to show my appreciation and/or respect for the deceased.

A christening or similar though...I just don’t like any aspect of them and would have nothing to celebrate. I’d just feel quietly judgy. Probably not what you’d want in a guest.

StrifeOfBath · 13/01/2022 03:49

The dedication is a religious event, meaningful to religious people.

I would feel hypocritical and uncomfortable being part of such an event.

Celebrate this essentially religious event with those for whom it means something.

Your friend does not care for you or your child less because he does not share your religious practice.

You on the other hand seem to expect him to comply with your way of doing things.

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