Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Friend is refusing to attend DD's Christening

189 replies

LouBan · 12/01/2022 00:11

My DD has just turned two and we are finally getting her dedicated (just like a Christening but without water). We would have done it soon after she was born but had to put things on hold due to Covid. We have chosen to invite just family, godparents and one other close friend who is almost like family. He is not a Christian and doesn't like the idea of church at all but we have been to weddings and a funeral with him, all were which in churches and he seemed fine. Ever since our DD was born he has said he would come to her dedication even though he doesn't like church. Now 10 days before, he has let us know by text that he's not coming without giving a reason. AiBU to be upset? We are asking him to be part of something that is really special to us but it is for us and our DD, not him, and as a friend I think he should respect that we want to do this at our church. All he has to do is sit through one church service (No one is going to check if he's singing the hymns or joining in the prayers) and join us for lunch afterwards. I don't think this is a lot to ask. AIBU?

OP posts:
Pixxie7 · 12/01/2022 06:21

You don’t know why he isn’t coming firstly secondly you say it is special to you but if he doesn’t believe in the church he probably won’t realise that. I think you are over thinking this.

ThirdElephant · 12/01/2022 06:21

Could be any reason. Could be he's had some very bad news but doesn't want to cast a shadow on the christening so hasn't mentioned it.

Toocoldtocamp · 12/01/2022 06:29

Just let him come to the after party...

Not even all Christians believe in dedications/baptisms. It's actually a contentious issue for some people. Many who grew up going to church have issues for multiple reasons.

He has told you he doesn't like it.

Just say 'I understand...but we'd love you to be at the party after'

One of our children had a dedication, the other 2 didn't. Honestly we don't have a big family and not one of our friends would have supported it truthfully...and when we assessed it, it didn't seem like we did really either. If you don't attend church regularly then what is the point?!? Its about introducing your child to church membership.
You can have a 'welcome to the world' party with a spiritual element at home... we've been to a couple of those.

Pipsquiggle · 12/01/2022 06:40

YABU.
You don't know why he can't or doesn't want to go
Christenings are only a big deal for the immediate family & /or God parents - no one else cares - particularly if they are non religious

godmum56 · 12/01/2022 06:43

yabu definitely. You invited, they declined. Get over it.

Manteo · 12/01/2022 06:47

@TomPinch You'd drop a friendship with someone because they don't think children should be indoctrinated into a religion??

Namenic · 12/01/2022 06:49

I’m religious but have non religious family members. I wouldn’t be offended if they didn’t come. I’d still invite them to a meal or something afterwards if that’s what people were doing. Some people have issues with religion (for many reasons, some have been badly treated by religious people or institutions) - which I find sad, but don’t take personally

MizzFizz · 12/01/2022 06:50

YABU. Christenings aren't really a good scene for non-religious folks... I'm not religious and christenings make me so uncomfortable. I hate being asked to declare/promise to support the religious life of a child when I know I won't. I respect others' beliefs enough to not want to enter into their place of worship and lie... I have been to one christening ever, I didn't know what I was in for. Never again.

alienalan · 12/01/2022 06:52

Leave him alone. He probably had a better offer.

Ifs not a big deal is it? He's not
Family or Godparent so maybe he doesn't like other peoples family events

ohfook · 12/01/2022 06:53

Christenings are boring. They're also hard for someone who is having trouble TTC and for people who have experienced abuse within a church. There are probably other reasons too why people may find a christening hard but they are just the two I thought of off the top of my head.

Accept it with good grace and don't make a thing about it because in a few years time I can guarantee you won't think that one day was worth spoiling a friendship over.

BettyBag · 12/01/2022 06:54

YANBU.

Baffled by the responses on here. Presumably you are close to invite him to a small primarily family gathering. Of course its not unreasonable to expect more than a text if he is going to decline.

Of course it's not unreasonable to be hurt if you have taken the time to have this conversation with him and he has now changed his mind without so much as a phonecall.

SanFranBear · 12/01/2022 06:55

I am very uncomfortable with organised religion, in all its forms, but for close friends I would (and have) been to their place of worship for things important to them.

That said, you haven't asked him if it's actually the church which is the issue. If he responds it is, I don't think YAB that U - however, it might well be something else.. in which case you have to suck it up, unfortunately.

BettyBag · 12/01/2022 06:57

@alienalan

Leave him alone. He probably had a better offer.

Ifs not a big deal is it? He's not
Family or Godparent so maybe he doesn't like other peoples family events

So if you told a close friend you were going to attend an event then changed your mind you would just text them without explanation?

I find that incredibly rude and inconsiderate regardless of the reasons. It's not how any of my friends behave with myself or each other.

trickytimes · 12/01/2022 06:58

YABU. I wouldn’t go to a christening. I don’t agree with it.

umpahlumpahstickitupyourjumpah · 12/01/2022 07:00

YABU

WaterBottle123 · 12/01/2022 07:05

Christenings are only for religious family members, it's not reasonable to push your beliefs on others by expecting them to attend

Hesma · 12/01/2022 07:11

If he’s such a good friend then you need to respect his views. Additionally you don’t know why he’s declined to attend

MoonCowbag · 12/01/2022 07:13
Grin
MoonCowbag · 12/01/2022 07:14

Well that quote didn't work and now I look daft.

Riverlee · 12/01/2022 07:14

I think you need to find out the reason first.

verytiredofbeingshoutedat · 12/01/2022 07:16

I definitely agree with other PPs that if he said he was coming it is annoying he changed his mind 10 days beforehand

But as many said, he's not that into it clearly. So have a great day with those that are. And want to support you

My daughter has a god father that attended church but saw her twice afterwards and she doesn't even know him. He makes no effort at all. He was my exHs friend who we regret having as a godparent as it means one DC had two involved godparents whereas my other two DCs have 3 who are fabulous.

Wombat98 · 12/01/2022 07:17

Covid?

Not a chance I'd sit in a room with a congregation, singing & talking, just now..

MelonTits · 12/01/2022 07:21

Surely people have heard the phrase "hatching, matching and dispatching"? Religion is often there for the big moments of our lives- birth, marriage and death. What is so terrible about wanting to mark major moments in life with rituals? This is one of the core functions of religion throughout history.

But a lot of people now think more critically about that sort of thing, realise it’s often a bit of a sham and decide not to participate. I appreciate that cultural Christianity does run strong in Britain but I’m glad that there is less blind following of that now.

I went to a few christenings as a child & enjoyed the pretty dress I wore and the chance to see family, and then didn’t go to another one until I was about 24 and my best friend had her daughter christened. It was then I realised what an odd ritual it was (especially for someone who had a non-religious wedding on an Italian lakefront!) and I haven’t been to one since.

Luredbyapomegranate · 12/01/2022 07:23

Are you sure it isn’t Covid related?

Other than that it’s annoying but not unreasonable, if he has a real ethical objection to organised religion. As a PP said christenings are a lot less secular than weddings and funerals. If this is the case he should have let you know earlier though.

Anyway, I would just give him a bell, say you are sorry he can’t make it and check he’s OK. It might be an issue you can solve.

Skyeheather · 12/01/2022 07:26

He's declined your invitation not "refusing" to go. People are allowed to decline invitations. Just because the dedication is important to you it doesn't mean it's important to everyone else. Just accept he isn't going and move on.