Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU Friend is refusing to attend DD's Christening

189 replies

LouBan · 12/01/2022 00:11

My DD has just turned two and we are finally getting her dedicated (just like a Christening but without water). We would have done it soon after she was born but had to put things on hold due to Covid. We have chosen to invite just family, godparents and one other close friend who is almost like family. He is not a Christian and doesn't like the idea of church at all but we have been to weddings and a funeral with him, all were which in churches and he seemed fine. Ever since our DD was born he has said he would come to her dedication even though he doesn't like church. Now 10 days before, he has let us know by text that he's not coming without giving a reason. AiBU to be upset? We are asking him to be part of something that is really special to us but it is for us and our DD, not him, and as a friend I think he should respect that we want to do this at our church. All he has to do is sit through one church service (No one is going to check if he's singing the hymns or joining in the prayers) and join us for lunch afterwards. I don't think this is a lot to ask. AIBU?

OP posts:
StrifeOfBath · 13/01/2022 03:54

You are being a Godzilla.

MagnoliaXYZ · 13/01/2022 07:34

I agree with what other people gave said regarding there being a big difference between weddings/funerals and christenings.

I've never been invited to a church wedding but would attend one as the couple would have chosen to get married in a church, and are presumably religious.

I have been to funeral/cremation services which have been religious because that is all I have ever known, fortunately the only people I have known well enough to go to the funeral have been older so a religious ceremony was expected - I guess there are non-religious services available.

When I volunteered with an organisation, we were expected to attend a couple if church services per year, such as remembrance parade. I felt uncomfortable in church but attendance was expected. The best church service I attended was one where we had a child of a different religion with us, either parents or child didn't want them going in (child attended for the parade part only), parents weren't there so I was the lucky one who got out of the church service to sit outside with the child until it was over.

I would feel really uncomfortable at a baby/young child's christening (or equivalent). I feel that someone making a commitment to the church should be made of their own free will and I would be uncomfortable being part of, what I viewed as, an unfair induction in to that religion. If one of my friends decided to become religious and be baptised/confirmed etc and invited me to attend the ceremony, I would go as I would view it as their choice and they would be making it freely. I would probably decline an invite to a baby or young child's christening etc though.

I used to be quite religious and go to church every Sunday, from the age of about 11 or 12 for a few years. I can't really remember who made the decision, but parents or grandparents thought it about time my siblings and I got baptised. I suppose we just got swept up in it all as we were taken along to church and attended every Sunday for weeks and weeks beforehand. We were baptised along with another girl around the same age. She and her parents stopped going but we continued for another few years. We got involved in volunteering for the church and started helping out at Sunday school as we got older. I don't think it was called confirmation but we went to the classes for whatever it was called and then had that service. There were regularly christenings in the Sunday services, I think she babies except one man who was being baptised so he could marry (one of the women who attended church regularly) in the church. I stopped attending the church when I was about 17 or so and completely stopped believing in religion and I'm actually very anti-religion now. None of the people I saw be christened/baptised etc did it of their own free will or legitimately consented (and I include the man who was baptised as I believe he only did it so he could give the woman he loved what she wanted - a church wedding) and that bothers me. I think even we were coerced into it, I think we got swept up in the whole baptism thing and religion thing - I really can't remember being properly religious before then (we were taught we had to say prayers before bed but that was it) - I think it was being in church that made me believe every word in the bible was true. It actually makes me quite angry. I think the only time a baby or young child should be christened should be if they are going to die and it would distress the parents if they hadn't been christened (is it catholics who believe even a baby can't get to heaven if they've not been baptised?). If you were my friend inviting me to your baby's christening etc, I wouldn't want to say this to you but it is how I would feel.

londonrach · 13/01/2022 07:36

Yabu...invite not court summons. He can turn the invite down for whatever reason. Life not all about you!

EmmaH2022 · 13/01/2022 07:41

@LouBan

We attend church regularly and our faith is very important to us. My husband is actually training to become a Vicar. Our friend knows all this so shouldn't be surprised. We were just hurt that he doesn't want to come.
So have you asked why he can't come? Why are you just assuming it's an anti church reason?
CuntyMcBollocks · 13/01/2022 09:10

Maybe he does have a good reason but doesn't want to/can't say what it is right now.

Somebodylikeyew · 13/01/2022 18:00

@StrifeOfBath

You are being a Godzilla.
Grin
psydrive · 13/01/2022 19:30

@LouBan

Have you spoken to him yet?

sadpapercourtesan · 13/01/2022 19:34

If he isn't a Christian, then he has a good reason. Why on earth would he want to go and collude in you making a solemn commitment to indoctrinate your child into a supernatural belief system? Why would he want to collude in your making a commitment on behalf of your child, who is a person in his/her own right and too young to consent?

It always amazing me that Christians (particularly the US right-wing ones who bleat on about "religious freedom") make no effort to understand how their rituals and behaviours appear to those who simply do not share their beliefs.

He's not trying to stop you from having your child christened. He just doesn't want to be involved.

Willome · 13/01/2022 19:34

Other people's DC are just not that important to some people.

Flowersandhearts · 13/01/2022 19:54

Maybe there's another reason that he's not attending?

Cancelling 10 days before an important event is rude, regardless of someone's beliefs and particularly if he knew you were only inviting a few close people!

I'm agnostic but guessing that 80+% people have a strong atheist belief (people should keep in mind that atheism is a position of belief).

Flowersandhearts · 13/01/2022 19:56

80+% of people on this thread I mean.

merrymouse · 13/01/2022 19:59

@Flowersandhearts

Maybe there's another reason that he's not attending?

Cancelling 10 days before an important event is rude, regardless of someone's beliefs and particularly if he knew you were only inviting a few close people!

I'm agnostic but guessing that 80+% people have a strong atheist belief (people should keep in mind that atheism is a position of belief).

I agree.
ThirdElephant · 14/01/2022 06:19

@Parker231

I go to christenings but happy to avoid them when I can as they aren’t something I agree with. Let the child decide on whether they want to follow an organised religion when they are old enough to understand rather than you making the decision for them as a baby.
Christenings don't force anything, just so you know. You promise to teach/raise them in the belief but the kid itself isn't compelled to do anything- they sign up themselves via confirmation if they want to when they're older. The purpose of a christening is more of an introduction and, in some branches of Christianity, stops them wandering purgatory forever if they die before confirmation.
DontWantTheRivalry · 14/01/2022 07:42

YABU.

I am not religious and try and avoid Christenings at all costs. I feel very uncomfortable attending them because I don’t believe in the words being spoken so I feel very hypocritical.

A previous poster said a Dedication is about thanking God for the safe arrival of a baby whereas in my mind the arrival of a baby (whether safely or sadly not) is down to the efforts of the medical team and most importantly the mother, not God. Your friend may feel the same.

TurkeyRoastvBubbleandSqueek · 14/01/2022 08:11

@DontWantTheRivalry

YABU.

I am not religious and try and avoid Christenings at all costs. I feel very uncomfortable attending them because I don’t believe in the words being spoken so I feel very hypocritical.

A previous poster said a Dedication is about thanking God for the safe arrival of a baby whereas in my mind the arrival of a baby (whether safely or sadly not) is down to the efforts of the medical team and most importantly the mother, not God. Your friend may feel the same.

But why has her friend spent most of the last 2 years telling her he WILL go? Giving her ten days notice of his change of mind, but without an explanation why, is what is very unreasonable and hurtful, and is why the OP is not being at all unreasonable!

If it was for some sudden personal reason that he didn't want to share, he could have said something like this:

"I'm so sorry OP but I am sadly no longer able to attend your DC's 'Christening'. I know that you have been looking forward to your DC's 'Christening' for a long time now, and I hope you know that I feel very honoured to have been asked to attend, especially as I am the only non family member to be invited. As you know, I am not at all religious, but I did want to attend to support both you and your DC, but unfortunately something very personal has come up, which I would normally share with you, but this time I just can't as I am not the only person it affects. Please forgive me for this, and accept this gift for your DC who I am looking forward to see growing up both happily and healthily, with my favourite people".

If that makes anyone want to vomit it can be toned down!

Landof · 14/01/2022 08:16

YABU especially as you don't know why he isn't able to make it.

greenlynx · 14/01/2022 08:22

Why do you want him to come?

OVienna · 14/01/2022 08:24

I read through the posts on here agog. However - they have made me think.

What I think is entitled is making someone else's family event all about YOU, which is what I believe that the OP's friend is doing. An invitation isn't a summons, no, but if you accept a good friend's invitation to an event that is really important TO THEM, and you love and support them, and they give you a role in it, you don't cancel ten days prior, with no explanation.

I actually cannot believe a PP said the OP should lump it, because he might have had a "better offer. "

All of that said @LouBan I wonder if what MAY have happened here is that he just panicked and felt there was no way he could explain he didn't want to attend that you would understand or accept. He knows he will come across as judging you and rejecting your values (at least on some level.) This is no easy conversation to have with a longstanding friend and he may feel after it the friendship won't be the same if he tries to approach it.

But I do agree it is up to both of you to create space to communicate about this in a way that -well, respects both of your views. I get you feel hurt, for sure, and your friend hasn't behaved well. But if it seems like he just got a bit muddled about how to handle it and you think on reflection he might have felt a bit compelled to say yes by your behaviour, I would consider giving him the benefit of the doubt.

Etinoxaurus · 14/01/2022 08:36

@MizzFizz

YABU. Christenings aren't really a good scene for non-religious folks... I'm not religious and christenings make me so uncomfortable. I hate being asked to declare/promise to support the religious life of a child when I know I won't. I respect others' beliefs enough to not want to enter into their place of worship and lie... I have been to one christening ever, I didn't know what I was in for. Never again.
As a Christian I’m not a fan either!
pangolina · 14/01/2022 09:21

@StrifeOfBath

You are being a Godzilla.
This is the best comment I have ever seen.
Boood · 14/01/2022 09:49

The last christening I attended included lots of references to casting out unbelievers and the unbaptised, and as an unbaptised unbeliever I felt very uncomfortable, and about as welcome as a sausage at a vegan picnic. I will go to quite a lot of trouble not to attend another one.

DontWantTheRivalry · 14/01/2022 10:46

…..and as an unbaptised unbeliever I felt very uncomfortable, and about as welcome as a sausage at a vegan picnic

Brilliant!!! GrinGrinGrin

Sedai · 14/01/2022 10:53

I think that, very gently, YABU.
Christenings are significantly different to weddings and funerals in my opinion, and are typically (in NI anyway) only family events. Watching a friend get married or paying respects to a lost loved one is very different to attending a ceremony for a child being initiated into a religion, especially if you're not a church goer.
You will have a really lovely day for your daughter with your family there.

aSofaNearYou · 14/01/2022 11:01

@Boood

The last christening I attended included lots of references to casting out unbelievers and the unbaptised, and as an unbaptised unbeliever I felt very uncomfortable, and about as welcome as a sausage at a vegan picnic. I will go to quite a lot of trouble not to attend another one.
I think this is quite a crucial point. A lot of religious ceremonies involve things being said that are not only alienating but also often actively insulting to atheists. Religious people seem blind to that and expect us to suck it up and listen "because it's important to them", which is pretty selfish. It's like they haven't given any thought to the actual implications behind what is being said.
Buttons294749 · 14/01/2022 11:14

Yanbu. But him not coming is not really a big deal

Some of my thoughts-

  • For all if my children's parties i really dont mind if non family members just dont wsnt to come as kids can be annoying and boring (even my little angels haha)
  • It's quite lazy of him to not give a reason, he clearly isnt that much of a friend if he cant give an excuse.
  • it doesnt really matter about him not being there, even if it feels like rejection now it's not a big deal.
  • my muslim friends came to my kids' baptisms and i have gone to many events that don't align with my religious views. My friendship group is very chilled though so i probably wouldn't grow close to someone who wasnt as chill as we are.