To want dd to tell me where she is getting this money from

[Curato]

Dd is in her second year at university and for Christmas she bought ds a laptop. I thought this was a lot to have spent so I looked it up and it must’ve cost her around £600. I asked her about it and she said she could afford it and loves her brother etc so I accepted it.

It was ds 16th birthday on Friday and for that she bought him a new IPhone and Apple Watch.

I spoke to her and said I noticed she had spent a lot of money on ds for Christmas and his birthday as she is a student with a part time job in retail.

She then said she has a little extra thing on the side which is going really well. When I asked what this was she refused to tell me.

I spoke to DH who said she is an adult and doesn’t have to justify herself to me anymore and I should respect her decision. I am really worried though that she has become embroiled in something though.

AIBU to speak to her again and insist she tells me what she is doing to generate this money or do I need to cut the apron strings.

That’s a lot of money! I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask her. Are you funding her at Uni?

You can insist all you like. She doesn't have to tell you. Probably only fans or lap dancing. Time to respect her choices as an adult and be glad that you brought up a king, caring, generous daughter.

If she will not tell you then it’s not something innocent like selling artwork, she’s probably doing onlyfans or something along those lines.

AIBU to speak to her again and insist she tells me what she is doing to generate this money or do I need to cut the apron strings.

I doubt she'd tell you if she was involved in anything dodgy or even something she knows you wouldn't like, surely?

Does she have a boyfriend?

Oh, and if she's happy, confident and safe doing whatever it is then there's no need for you to be ashamed of it. (Which is probably why she won't tell you as she thinks that would be your reaction)

It’ll be OnlyFans, for sure.

As above. As long as it's not dealing drugs.

She had a boyfriend but they broke up a couple of months ago

You can insist, she's an adult. Quite likely onlyfans

@Dogscanteatonions

You can insist, she's an adult. Quite likely onlyfans

I meant you can't insist

If you are funding her university I think you have a right to know where her money is coming from. Apart from anything her income is part of household income for assessing what she is entitled to as a student loan.
I would say that the expensive presents are actually a means to show you that she is earning money elsewhere. Most people would try to hide it.

As long as it’s legal I guess you have no right to know. I totally get where you’re coming from, though.

It'll more than likely be onlyfans. You can ask and I'd also stress with things like onlyfans, the pictures can go anywhere and anyone can see.

Hmmmm a lot of students are approached to ask to become money mules

Although her decisions are her own at that age, she is still young and might not realise that, if she is doing some form of sex work, she could be putting herself in danger. I’d avoid making an ultimatum, and try to keep the lines of communication open so she can talk to you if she is worried or feels unsafe at any point.

You could have a conversation about the future, and being careful about your digital footprint, and so on, without accusing her of anything or demanding information she doesn’t want to give.

You are right to be concerned but this will need careful handling and a willingness to step back, if you are to maintain a strong relationship into her adulthood.

I knew someone who did phone sex. More scary is money muleing.

I’d said if she’s not adult enough to tell you what it’s from then she can’t use it on anyone in your house.

What are you going to do if she tells you? What happens if you don't agree with how she earns it?

Yeah right -

I would be concerned if this was my daughter too - as she might feel fine about selling herself now, but how might it effect her further down the line? If she's not telling you what it is, of course it's something dodgy.

I'm not sure what you can do about it though.

You can insist all you like she doesn't have to tell you. I'd just say look if it's drugs or escorting or whatever just stay safe and maybe keep the money for herself.

She’s an adult. It might be Onlyfans, she might be an influencer. Either way, you playing the heavy handed mum is going to push her away and alienate her while not resolving the problem. Try telling her you are there if she ever needs to talk.

@MsAgnesDiPesto - that is really good advice

I concur with OnlyFans. Quite common at Uni. Some of DD's friends do it. She thinks it is 'empowering' because women are calling the shots.

I showed her this article which was flagged up on here a few days ago about what can happen to the images. She was pretty horrified and it was quite the wake up call.

www.theguardian.com/world/2022/jan/06/i-have-moments-of-shame-i-cant-control-the-lives-ruined-by-explicit-collector-culture

My first thought was only fans or a social media influencer (DD has friends who do this and it can be very lucrative). Either way I'd be concerned.

She’s made it clear she’s not going to tell you.

So now your approach has to be having a conversation with her about fine, you don’t need to tell me but because you won’t it’s worried me a bit that it’s either a) illegal or b) unwise. And then go on to talk about digital footprint, as others have said, future employments and so on.

Very tricky.

Is your dh her dad?
I suppose you can't insist but I'd be concerned too. She might be an adult but she's still your daughter.