To want dd to tell me where she is getting this money from

[Curato]

Dd is in her second year at university and for Christmas she bought ds a laptop. I thought this was a lot to have spent so I looked it up and it must’ve cost her around £600. I asked her about it and she said she could afford it and loves her brother etc so I accepted it.

It was ds 16th birthday on Friday and for that she bought him a new IPhone and Apple Watch.

I spoke to her and said I noticed she had spent a lot of money on ds for Christmas and his birthday as she is a student with a part time job in retail.

She then said she has a little extra thing on the side which is going really well. When I asked what this was she refused to tell me.

I spoke to DH who said she is an adult and doesn’t have to justify herself to me anymore and I should respect her decision. I am really worried though that she has become embroiled in something though.

AIBU to speak to her again and insist she tells me what she is doing to generate this money or do I need to cut the apron strings.

It's not going to be something legit is it? Your younger child is enjoying the proceeds of drugs or prostitution or both.

OnlyFans.

@Medievalist

*Can't believe some of the replies you're getting on here OP.

She is a student. They're adults in law only, still learning about the real world and still need a lot of guidance. How old, 20? At the very least, those hundreds of pounds spent on presents should be going to pay off the student loan. If she's lucky enough not to have a student loan, then savings.

It's absolutely your business if your 16yo is getting shedloads of expensive tech from nowhere/immoral or criminal activity. I'd be furious and would make her take it out of my house.

If she was a film extra or had some other legit job she'd be telling you. If I thought my daughter was on OnlyFans or money muleing I would be heartbroken. Good luck, I hope she sees sense.*

^^ This

Totally this!!

She’s a very young adult, still finding het feet.
The fact she won’t tell you means it’s not influencer or crypto - people would scare that.

Only fans, escorts etc are overly glamorised and seem to be easy money.

Definitely speak to her about what she is doing to be able to buy £2k of presents!!
Share your worries and send her links to all the scary stuff about only fans - it’s porn and will impact her whole life and future in ways she won’t even know yet

Hope she opens up to you OP xx

You know that if it were a young lad, there wouldn't be such a resounding chorus of "he must be a rent boy."

Because women are still exploiting men's juvenile porn fixations to get material benefits. Then 10 years down the line those women complain that those same men are cheating on them and treating them like objects.

Are there that many adult women on here paying to watch blokes online?

Sorry I’m a dinosaur is only fans selling pictures online? Heard of it but no idea what it is ...or is there more to it than just pictures?

Id be worried she was either taking out credit cards over christmas or doing some sort of prostitution or dealing

@ilovebrie8 it’s sexual images, I believe subscribers can pay extra for more intimate/personal photos and videos too.

I made loads at uni from working agency night shifts at local care homes. I didn’t tell my parents because they would have said I should be focused on my studies not working in term time. Looking back it wasn’t a great idea, I was always sleep deprived and often missed classes, but the money was attractive.

And I expect if the dd was earning so much money by something like tutoring she'd be happy to tell her dm - don't you think?

In my case, no. I never told my mum shit.

Isn’t your son the key to this.

If she is prepared to spend this amount of money on him then she must think very highly of him. Could you get him to talk to her and get him to say that he’s noticed she seems to be doing really well and that he wants to know how she’s doing it. You could even frame it as him wanting to copy it, if she won’t tell him then you will know that it is highly dodgy.

@NiceShrubbery

You know that if it were a young lad, there wouldn't be such a resounding chorus of "he must be a rent boy."

Because women are still exploiting men's juvenile porn fixations to get material benefits. Then 10 years down the line those women complain that those same men are cheating on them and treating them like objects.

Are there that many adult women on here paying to watch blokes online?

THIS!!

It's clearly not something like tutoring or Avon otherwise she would say. If she was an influencer you could just check her Instagram. It's not a very secretive job

That is a massive amount of money for a student. And we have to assume she's not spending the majority of it on her brother.

If your child, who is still only 19/20 starts having loads of money of unknown origin its perfectly reasonable and sensible to worry. It could be onlyfans but there are also many worse avenues it could have come from. And I doubt she's making that much from the odd picture of her tits on onlyfans.

I would want to find out where that money was coming from. You can't insist and you cant ask her outright because I think that would push her away but I don't think you should just shrug your shoulders and assume its some harmless onlyfans picture and she's safe and happy. Even if she feels good now, the nature of things like sex work, money mule, drugs is that young people feel good initially with all that money.

I would agree with sitting her down, having a gentle chat. Say you are worried, and make sure she knows you are here and can be trusted. If it is something harmless then it won't take much for her to tell you.

@PlanktonsComputerWife

You know that if it were a young lad, there wouldn't be such a resounding chorus of "he must be a rent boy."

Well, yes. That's the whole point. Young men aren't sexually exploited in the same way as young women.

It is a very difficult situation. Is it possible to have a conversation with her? Tell her that you are concerned about where the extra money is coming from. Don't insist that she tells you, but just check that she is aware of some of the dangers. Try not to be judgemental or heavy, but reassure her that if she does want advice or support in the future, you are there to listen.

If she is doing something risky or illegal, it is important that she knows you will be there to advise her.

Credit cards? Just tell her you love her and you are on her side whatever. If it’s illegal like drugs she won’t tell you, if it’s prostitution or only fans your her square mum so she won’t tell you. I really hope she’s ok. We are bulletproof at that age credit card debt? Meh! Pictures of us doing sexy things online? Whatever! Then we grow up, the real world catches us and gives us a kick in the arse. Make sure she knows you are there for her and try to respect her choices, she is an adult.

You can’t insist - she’s an adult and she clearly doesn’t need the money you give her.

It could be something like only fans, or it could be something else. You are right to be concerned, but you need to approach it carefully. I would just say to her that you are concerned, and you’d be happier if she’d talk to you about what it is - you won’t judge, but you’d like to know, so you can, for example, discuss any later repercussions there might be from what she’s doing now. I wouldn’t expect that she’ll tell you now, but this will hopefully inch the door open so eventually she will. You will have to keep a real grip on how you respond to keep communication going.

@Sportsnight

I can’t believe how relaxed people are about their teen daughters doing sex work. It’s emotionally damaging, it often attracts girls who already have serious problems with mental health or self esteem, and it has the potential to leave a long digital footprint that could wreck the rest of their lives. I would not be relaxed and cool about it.

This.

At this age I was penniless, she is clearly getting some money from somewhere to afford such extravagant gifts. I think OnlyFans too.

Qsk her to confirm that what's she is doing is not illegal and she is safe yo ease your worries then leave her to it she's an adult.

A young man with this amount of extra money casually being spent on their brother would still ring alarm bells. Maybe wouldn't assume onlyfans as a first port of call as its not common for young men to have onlyfans, but I wouldn't assume he'd made it in his part time job in tesco

I'd also feel really uncomfortable with those presents for my teenager. It's massively overspending. And I also think it shows a worrying attitude to spending money

@Sportsnight

I can’t believe how relaxed people are about their teen daughters doing sex work. It’s emotionally damaging, it often attracts girls who already have serious problems with mental health or self esteem, and it has the potential to leave a long digital footprint that could wreck the rest of their lives. I would not be relaxed and cool about it.

There isn’t a single post suggesting people are ok with their daughters doing that kind of work.

Suggesting careful handling so as not to drive a wedge in the relationship, and leaving the DD mor vulnerable, isn’t being cool about it. It’s realising that she’s an adult so you have to find the balance between being absolutely not ok with something, but not driving your child away with your reaction.

As a student, your income is still taken into account for years, for any loans she is eligible for, and if living in your house, you have every right to know what she’s up to.
If she’s doing Porn, I would be furious, so I think you do have a right to know how she got this extra money.

Only fans. Must be.

So on the eyes of the law, she is not an independent adult, until way out of her 20’s.

@PlanktonsComputerWife

You know that if it were a young lad, there wouldn't be such a resounding chorus of "he must be a rent boy."

Well no because it would be more likely to be drugs related if it was a boy.

It still wouldn’t be a chorus of suggestions that he’d found a £50 an hour bar job or something legit.