To want dd to tell me where she is getting this money from

[Curato]

Dd is in her second year at university and for Christmas she bought ds a laptop. I thought this was a lot to have spent so I looked it up and it must’ve cost her around £600. I asked her about it and she said she could afford it and loves her brother etc so I accepted it.

It was ds 16th birthday on Friday and for that she bought him a new IPhone and Apple Watch.

I spoke to her and said I noticed she had spent a lot of money on ds for Christmas and his birthday as she is a student with a part time job in retail.

She then said she has a little extra thing on the side which is going really well. When I asked what this was she refused to tell me.

I spoke to DH who said she is an adult and doesn’t have to justify herself to me anymore and I should respect her decision. I am really worried though that she has become embroiled in something though.

AIBU to speak to her again and insist she tells me what she is doing to generate this money or do I need to cut the apron strings.

This is how this sort of work leads to blackmail...

Might be a point to make to her. Also she may be used by money launderers. If they are investigated and their bank accounts seized, she could be investigated as a recipient.

[quote MorkandMandy]@Baxterbear Mum subs her income so it really does.[/quote]
I didn't mean my response to come across so abrupt! I was coming from the point of view that if dd does reveal how she's making her money it may not be an answer that mum was expecting and could in theory be quite upsetting. It could be she's much better off not knowing?

Plumbuddle, no, I don't think she could, any more than the money launderer's local Tesco could, or a taxi driver who takes him to the airport, or the dog walker who walks his dogs, etc.

How are you feeling about it all now, OP?

@MsAgnesDiPesto

Although her decisions are her own at that age, she is still young and might not realise that, if she is doing some form of sex work, she could be putting herself in danger. I’d avoid making an ultimatum, and try to keep the lines of communication open so she can talk to you if she is worried or feels unsafe at any point.

You could have a conversation about the future, and being careful about your digital footprint, and so on, without accusing her of anything or demanding information she doesn’t want to give.

You are right to be concerned but this will need careful handling and a willingness to step back, if you are to maintain a strong relationship into her adulthood.

This is very good advice.

She doesn't want to tell you because it is sex work of some kind, either
online or IRL. Most likely Only Fans but it could be some sort of escort work and there is a chance she could be putting herself in danger.

She is young. Yes she's an adult, but she may still be naive.

I would attempt a non-judgmental chat, where you make it very clear that her choices are her own, and you will respect whatever she decides to do, but tell her you are there to talk if she ever needs to.

It will probably sound a bit preachy if you start talking about the dangers of it, but it's important anyway to reiterate that people do get into trouble doing this sort of thing, and that her brother doesn't need her to buy him a £600 laptop.

I would also offer to pay for some counselling for her if you're in a position to do so, just as an ongoing thing (not because there's anything wwrong with her), just so she has someone to talk to.

@Curato

So I spoke to her this afternoon. I was told her that I was very worried that she had become caught up in something and that I am her mum so will always love and support her.

She wasn’t very forthcoming at first other than to say it wasn’t illegal. After a bit of a heart to heart she opened up and told me that she is using various websites to get people to send her money as part of some fantasy they have. She says it’s all online and was adamant that she has never done anything that will come to light in the future when I asked her.

I am struggling to process it in truth. I am not happy about it really other than the fact she says it’s safe and doesn’t think it will have any future implications. I just don’t like the thought of her doing anything to indulge random mens fantasies for money.

Just saw this. That must have been very upsetting to hear.

There is nothing you can really do as she is an adult and can make this decision if she wants to, but she does need to make it with her eyes open about potential dangers.

If you Google "dangers of digital sex work" or "dangers of Only Fans" you could find some resources to send her way, such as: blog.blackbullion.com/student-blog/2021/03/30/do-you-know-the-dangers-of-onlyfans/

Just make sure she has all the information about what she is doing, and then once she does, you will need to respect her decision.

She says it’s safe and doesn’t think it will have any future implications

That is one naive comment that you could address straight away. Anything she's doing on Only Fans could potentially be floating around on the internet forever, and form part of her digital footprint for life. What kind of career does she want? Presumably she does want a career as she is at uni. It is worth doing some research and having a chat about that.

@foxgoosefinch

Leaving all my personal feminist objections aside, whatever she’s doing must take a bit of time to do, even if it’s only uploading foot pics or chatting to perves. I’d be thinking that rather than enjoying bits of cash now, she ought to put that time into her university work so that she can get a good job later.

University is for such a short time, and the vast majority of students are not doing anywhere near the work they ought to be doing in order to do really well.

No point spending time earning cash for expensive handbags, then get a 2:2 and ruin your job prospects. Even if she’s on track for a 2:1 she’s be better off putting her extra OnlyFans time into getting a First rather than doing “borderline sex work” for extra luxuries.

Well if we all had that kind of maturity and insight in our late teens/ early twenties, we would all be rich and successful.

No offense but pointing out that a teenager is doing something daft isn't exactly genius level thinking!

That would be really worrying OP. I’d find out what all the negative implications for her are, list them and give them to her, saying you are here to talk any time. She’s young and won’t have really considered how this will look/feel long term.

100000% onlyfans.

Apologies OP, just saw your update.

I understand your worries OP, though as far as I know, paypigs basically just want to be parted from their cash. I don't think that this would affect her future in the sense that these are simply financial transactions, rather than for example, posting identifiable pictures online.

Why is it nearly everyone assumes she is doing sex work or onlyfans?

Females can successfully invest, gamble or make money by other means too.

@Labracadabradoodle

RTFT.

@PlanktonsComputerWife

I would never check my husband's phone. There're only so many 70s FA Cup final clips a woman can take.

Mine would be guitars. Lots and lots of guitars.

He apologised when he realised I knew who Seymour Duncan was. Learning by osmosis is a thing 🥱

With Paypigs I think you just ask for money and people send it to you. I don't know anything about it though.

Just make sure she understands the consequences of having her photo or erotic identifying images of herself online and what the repercussions could be on herself and her future family/children if someone she knew was to come across them. Advising from experience!

@Curato

So I spoke to her this afternoon. I was told her that I was very worried that she had become caught up in something and that I am her mum so will always love and support her.

She wasn’t very forthcoming at first other than to say it wasn’t illegal. After a bit of a heart to heart she opened up and told me that she is using various websites to get people to send her money as part of some fantasy they have. She says it’s all online and was adamant that she has never done anything that will come to light in the future when I asked her.

I am struggling to process it in truth. I am not happy about it really other than the fact she says it’s safe and doesn’t think it will have any future implications. I just don’t like the thought of her doing anything to indulge random mens fantasies for money.

Did you find out any more OP? Feeding mens fantasies for money sounds worrying and I'd worry that it comes back to haunt her. I know about only fans etc but not some of the other stuff people raise on here.

@mathanxiety

Plumbuddle, no, I don't think she could, any more than the money launderer's local Tesco could, or a taxi driver who takes him to the airport, or the dog walker who walks his dogs, etc.

This would be a personal payment. Tescos and taxi companies would be safe but payments to individuals rather than recognised businesses would stand out on the bank statements. The dog walker if a private individual would be just as vulnerable.

Oh flipping heck have teen girls that’s hard enough thought it got easier as they get older - seems not!

I have spoken to her again about this but she remains adamant that it is “easy money” and not harmful to her now or in the future.

I have done research on the internet into it and I have to say I think it’s ghastly from a moral perspective. The whole concept is based on sending out sexualised derogatory and abusive messages and in response individuals are sending her money.

When I asked her if the individuals are married and whether their partners know they are doing it she said she didn’t know and it’s not her problem.

I am shocked by the selfishness of her response and I thought I had raised her better than that. She has also told me that she has quit her job to focus on it which means she’s been lying for several months in conversations we have had with her. DH thinks the same as me and is upset but it is “out of our hands” and we just have to hope she snaps out of it.

Deep down he is right but I can’t help but feel upset and that I must have made errors in bringing her up for her to even consider doing this, let alone actually doing it.

Don't be so hard on yourself. I think most people would be tempted by easy money!!

Don't be so hard on yourself OP, how parents bring up their children is only a part of the puzzle in relation to what they then go on to do. I agree it sounds grim, but at her age I think there is more of a feeling of invincibility ie this won't come back to bite me on the arse and well I don't care who it hurts. I'm sure she will grow up one day, meanwhile I'd stop paying the £100 a month if she's able to financially support herself now.

We are going to stop giving her money as she doesn’t need it and hasn’t been being honest with us regarding finances. We are going to save it so we can give her a lump sum to survive on if she quits doing what she is doing.

The only other angle is DS, he doesn’t know she is doing this and she doesn’t want him to know either. He hero worships her and always has done so whether this is because she is a little bit ashamed or because she has told lies to him I am not sure.