To want dd to tell me where she is getting this money from

[Curato]

Dd is in her second year at university and for Christmas she bought ds a laptop. I thought this was a lot to have spent so I looked it up and it must’ve cost her around £600. I asked her about it and she said she could afford it and loves her brother etc so I accepted it.

It was ds 16th birthday on Friday and for that she bought him a new IPhone and Apple Watch.

I spoke to her and said I noticed she had spent a lot of money on ds for Christmas and his birthday as she is a student with a part time job in retail.

She then said she has a little extra thing on the side which is going really well. When I asked what this was she refused to tell me.

I spoke to DH who said she is an adult and doesn’t have to justify herself to me anymore and I should respect her decision. I am really worried though that she has become embroiled in something though.

AIBU to speak to her again and insist she tells me what she is doing to generate this money or do I need to cut the apron strings.

@Curato

I have spoken to her again about this but she remains adamant that it is “easy money” and not harmful to her now or in the future.

I have done research on the internet into it and I have to say I think it’s ghastly from a moral perspective. The whole concept is based on sending out sexualised derogatory and abusive messages and in response individuals are sending her money.

When I asked her if the individuals are married and whether their partners know they are doing it she said she didn’t know and it’s not her problem.

I am shocked by the selfishness of her response and I thought I had raised her better than that. She has also told me that she has quit her job to focus on it which means she’s been lying for several months in conversations we have had with her. DH thinks the same as me and is upset but it is “out of our hands” and we just have to hope she snaps out of it.

Deep down he is right but I can’t help but feel upset and that I must have made errors in bringing her up for her to even consider doing this, let alone actually doing it.

First of all this is not your fault. The internet has been such a liberating thing for society and yet its capacity for harm is so great. You can't be held responsible of any of this. Even on this discussion forum you have seen how attractive some even parents find this form of making money and it is just so tempting for her to compartmentalise especially when the pimps and groomers at the top of this industry are telling young women to think the parental generation is just being controlling, fuddy duddy and taboo oriented to prevent their "liberation" into the hands of these pimps. Try to engage her as best you can without alienating her as to the sexualised derogatory and abusive messages. Two things spring to mind for me, again they are legal issues that she might not have thought of. One is how public are these messages, could she be making herself guilty of libel or could she be guilty of harassment/malicious communication? Is she sure they're just receiving them and just wanking over them, or why would they not be disseminating them elsewhere? She is being sucked into potentially criminal conduct. The other thing is, and this is my blackmail point again, what if they manage to get hold of her identity and use them against her to blackmail her later with employers or partners? These aren't just pics of her feet after all, they are a particularly nasty and cruel behaviour which would render her unsuitable for work with children, care work, uber, anything like that if it came out. And a partner could be devastated to read that she had once thought up this sort of fantasy. She has to understand that some of the people running these operations are criminals who have hacking expertise and can very very easily find out her computer or phone ID and then track down her identity. As could the police if this was a serious enough matter. What, for example, if she sent a nasty and abusive message to someone who as a result of the trolling, committed suicide or her behaviour was used as part of a concerted scheme of harassment of a person who later went on to be physically attacked? And the police looked at their phone and found her messages? I don't agree with other posters that this is not your business. But tread very very carefully and try to get her to stop, she is potentially putting the whole household at risk if they start to threaten her. Could you go to one of the various online safety organisations and ask for advice on this? The implications are really horrendous and there may be ways that are oriented to making her more savvy and self-protective rather than censuring her, to help her to avoid all this. Also so worrying to hear she's given up a legit regular income for this hustle. Will she even come to the point that she thinks her degree course is leading down a dead end and dump it for more involvement in this stuff? You have to head that off. And I hate to say it but that phone your son has... you need to know the password and monitor its apps very closely. They may try to groom him through her.

Dont be too hard on yourself. Time for her to make her own mistakes.

I do find it selfish that some people can't see how partaking in sexist behaviour undermines every one, even if they can't see anyone directly hurt.
She'll learn. Hopefully.

Oh good point about the ipad and phone. I'd get on that sharpish. They'll be needing drug mules to go with the foot fetish...

@Curato

We are going to stop giving her money as she doesn’t need it and hasn’t been being honest with us regarding finances. We are going to save it so we can give her a lump sum to survive on if she quits doing what she is doing.

The only other angle is DS, he doesn’t know she is doing this and she doesn’t want him to know either. He hero worships her and always has done so whether this is because she is a little bit ashamed or because she has told lies to him I am not sure.

Sorry I did not read this before posting. You and your husband need to think about this point with your son very carefully. He is still in your care as a child. Whilst your daughter wants your protection from letting him know her secrets, her secrets potentially could harm him. Is he not owed a duty to protect him from this sort of stuff? Is she not unconsciously blackmailing you by asking you not to talk to him? I would say that, hard as it is, he not only ought to be fully educated in any event about the harms of internet abuse and pimping, but he actually ought to be told what has happened and bought a new phone by yourselves (which you can take off the money you are saving for her) and the phone she gave him removed (but only after being replaced) with you openly telling him, in a meeting together with her if necessary, that you as parents can't allow him to be associated with this sort of industry. Sorry I'm saying this in a harsh way, there will be a much more caring way of putting it, but you absolutely can't keep her secret just to protect her rep with him when a) he worships her and b) she could go further off the rails. You have to draw that boundary, to stop him turning on you later down the line if you then have to put in protective measures for him. But mainly, to protect him. Openness is really important for parenting young people of his age. Keeping a secret is what should be taboo, really. Gosh OP this is so awful for you.

Is she exclusively sending abusive messages to the people who’ve solicited them or is she being paid to troll people?

Maybe only fans.. sign up and search her name..

It sounds like OF.
I'd make her aware of how much it could damage her future depending on what she is doing in university.
There is a lot of black mail involved too.
Her OF would be linked to her Instagram if she hasn't a separate account.
I hope she is not indulging in illegal fantasy either feeding some sickos urges. 🤮
They're not funding her for nothing.
I wonder had DH known about her job, he wasn't worried about the moneys, most fathers would be concerned.

Only Fans

@StationaryMagpie

oh.. FinDom.. i've not dabbled but i know someone that wants me to do it.. but in honesty, i'm not comfortable with it... but if you're happy to basically degrade someone and tell them to pay you to make up for what a shit person they are, its fine.

Thats not Findom (FinDom is a male financial dominant) That's a humiliation/degrading session.