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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want dd to tell me where she is getting this money from

711 replies

Curato · 09/01/2022 09:43

Dd is in her second year at university and for Christmas she bought ds a laptop. I thought this was a lot to have spent so I looked it up and it must’ve cost her around £600. I asked her about it and she said she could afford it and loves her brother etc so I accepted it.

It was ds 16th birthday on Friday and for that she bought him a new IPhone and Apple Watch.

I spoke to her and said I noticed she had spent a lot of money on ds for Christmas and his birthday as she is a student with a part time job in retail.

She then said she has a little extra thing on the side which is going really well. When I asked what this was she refused to tell me.

I spoke to DH who said she is an adult and doesn’t have to justify herself to me anymore and I should respect her decision. I am really worried though that she has become embroiled in something though.

AIBU to speak to her again and insist she tells me what she is doing to generate this money or do I need to cut the apron strings.

OP posts:
kindlyensure · 09/01/2022 09:59

(If she was a boy I would say online poker. V common side-hustle among young men. But no compromising pics as far as I'm aware!)

Caramellatteplease · 09/01/2022 10:00

I'd assume something like only fans and have a chat about personal safety and risk to future career if this becomes widely known. Anything put on a screen or computer can be copied and recorded and therefore make very hard to disappear for good. I'd make it clear it's her choice but that I'd be worrying if she starts valuing herself only on the monetary value men put in her and her ability to fulfill their needs it could be deeply damaging to her emotional wellbeing long term.

Just cos they're a grown up doesn't mean that guidance cant be valued. As long as you understand the difference between advice and interference

If it was dealing drugs I'd be telling my child I never wanted anything to do with them or the proceeds again

Prinnny · 09/01/2022 10:01

Sounds like sex work, hopefully only fans rather than a strip club. Don’t push her, she’s an adult who doesn’t have to run things past her mum, just be there for if she does want to open up.

Cookerhood · 09/01/2022 10:03

But students who are being funded by their parents at uni aren't proper independent adults. What is the situation with paying her rent/student loan?

ufucoffee · 09/01/2022 10:03

If it was my daughter and she was getting money from onlyfans or lap dancing I'd be furious. And I'd tell her that.

Pikaso · 09/01/2022 10:03

Only fans is my bet.

I would have said matched betting but that’s died a death now as far as I know.

Only other thing I could think of would be crypto trading but she’d have to be bloody good at it to make that kind of money.

Original poster
Curato · 09/01/2022 10:05

We give her £100 per month and she funds the rest with her student loan and part time job.

OP posts:
HaveringWavering · 09/01/2022 10:05

Do you support her financially at all? If yes, pull the plug on that immediately.

ifeelabitsad · 09/01/2022 10:06

Maybe she's doing escort work. A lot of uni students do.

Butchyrestingface · 09/01/2022 10:06

@Curato

We give her £100 per month and she funds the rest with her student loan and part time job.
How would you respond if you find out it's something like OnlyFans, lap dancing or even escorting?
HaveringWavering · 09/01/2022 10:06

Cross post. Enjoy spending your extra £100 a month.

WulyJmpr · 09/01/2022 10:06

It sounds dodgy. I imagine she will eventually let it slip out to you but wouldn't be surprised if onlyfans or money muling.

Bluntness100 · 09/01/2022 10:07

I’d be worried about this and I’m very surprised at your husbands bury his head in the sand attitude.

aweegc · 09/01/2022 10:07

I can't get over the fact that "I didn't mean to hurt her" or "it's my kink" are accepted excuses - anywhere on this plant.

My kink is stealing millions from banks. It doesn't hurt anybody, I don't hold anybody up at gun point, I just transfer the money into my account.

My other kink is drink driving.

What utter bull*hit is this?!

TerraNovaTwo · 09/01/2022 10:08

As PPs have mentioned, it's more than likely earnings are coming from Only Fans or some other illicit channel.

seekinglondonlife · 09/01/2022 10:08

I'd be very worried too OP. As an aside, she clearly doesn't need your £100, I'd be withdrawing that. I'd also be advising her to save for a deposit rather than buy sibling luxuries.

FelicityPike · 09/01/2022 10:08

@kindlyensure

(If she was a boy I would say online poker. V common side-hustle among young men. But no compromising pics as far as I'm aware!)
One of my friends plays a shitload of online poker. SHE’S been invited all around the world to play huge tournaments because of it.
aweegc · 09/01/2022 10:09

Sorry, was responding to kindlys post from the guardian

iloveredpandas · 09/01/2022 10:09

@Curato

We give her £100 per month and she funds the rest with her student loan and part time job.
Stop giving her £100 then as she clearly doesn't need it
Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow · 09/01/2022 10:10

How much is her loan?

cherrypie66 · 09/01/2022 10:10

She's an adult so all you can do is talk to her about it you can't demand anything Tell her your worried ans hope she's keeping safe etc

Fidgetty · 09/01/2022 10:10

Doesn't sound good... I would sit her down again and press her until you get to the bottom of it. Be prepared to be disappointed but don't let it show. If it's something seedy (highly likely) then try and support her to get out of it. Remind her that the internet never forgets. As she's at uni I assume she's ambitious? If it's only fans it could come back to haunt her in the future.

Ponoka7 · 09/01/2022 10:11

When my DD joined a dating app she was offered a fair bit for selling pictures of her feet and sending worn flipflops and underwear.

Ponoka7 · 09/01/2022 10:12

"I would sit her down again and press her until you get to the bottom of it."

Great way to alienate her and have her go LC.

JustLyra · 09/01/2022 10:12

You can’t insist she tells you. Talk to her. She’s an adult, but she’s a young adult so - with zero judgement - talk to her about the pitfalls of the likes of onlyfans and sugar daddy arrangements in terms of safety and privacy.

Also, I’d take the chance to point out that these kinds of things don’t tend make good money long term so rather than splashing cash on over the top presents she should be saving as much as possible.

Possibly different from many, but I wouldn’t pull the £100 a month. I’d tell her that as she doesn’t seem to need it I’d like it saved, but as the work is likely to be something I’m not wanting my DD to do I would keep sending the money so she can quietly go back to her old set up at any point without losing face.