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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want dd to tell me where she is getting this money from

711 replies

Curato · 09/01/2022 09:43

Dd is in her second year at university and for Christmas she bought ds a laptop. I thought this was a lot to have spent so I looked it up and it must’ve cost her around £600. I asked her about it and she said she could afford it and loves her brother etc so I accepted it.

It was ds 16th birthday on Friday and for that she bought him a new IPhone and Apple Watch.

I spoke to her and said I noticed she had spent a lot of money on ds for Christmas and his birthday as she is a student with a part time job in retail.

She then said she has a little extra thing on the side which is going really well. When I asked what this was she refused to tell me.

I spoke to DH who said she is an adult and doesn’t have to justify herself to me anymore and I should respect her decision. I am really worried though that she has become embroiled in something though.

AIBU to speak to her again and insist she tells me what she is doing to generate this money or do I need to cut the apron strings.

OP posts:
CheshireKitten123 · 09/01/2022 10:31

I'm afraid that as she is an adult, OP, she doesn't have to tell you.

Sorry.

KurtWilde · 09/01/2022 10:31

Just tell her your minds in overtime thinking something like porn or only fans

The problem with this is if it's nothing at all along those lines, you might mess up your relationship as she'll think you clearly have a crappy opinion of her.

evamumm · 09/01/2022 10:31

Maybe she's getting it all from a catalogue or on contract? Why is everyone's first instinct something illegal or sex work

Medievalist · 09/01/2022 10:33

*Can't believe some of the replies you're getting on here OP.

She is a student. They're adults in law only, still learning about the real world and still need a lot of guidance. How old, 20? At the very least, those hundreds of pounds spent on presents should be going to pay off the student loan. If she's lucky enough not to have a student loan, then savings.

It's absolutely your business if your 16yo is getting shedloads of expensive tech from nowhere/immoral or criminal activity. I'd be furious and would make her take it out of my house.

If she was a film extra or had some other legit job she'd be telling you. If I thought my daughter was on OnlyFans or money muleing I would be heartbroken. Good luck, I hope she sees sense.*

^^ This

doublemonkey · 09/01/2022 10:33

Ask DS. He probably knows.

girlmom21 · 09/01/2022 10:33

@evamumm

Maybe she's getting it all from a catalogue or on contract? Why is everyone's first instinct something illegal or sex work
Because she won't tell her mom what it is?
2020too · 09/01/2022 10:33

@evamumm

Maybe she's getting it all from a catalogue or on contract? Why is everyone's first instinct something illegal or sex work
If if walks like a duck...
PlanktonsComputerWife · 09/01/2022 10:34

I would not leap to suspect sex work.Confused Especially as hardly anyone makes any real money from onlyfans.

At university I made shedloads in cash from tutoring foreign students in English and proofreading their essays.

BatshitBanshee · 09/01/2022 10:34

she is an adult and doesn’t have to justify herself to me anymore and I should respect her decision

Correct.

Insist all you want, but that's a great way to get her to tell you fuck all.

I'd start with: "DD, you seem like you're making good money now, can I ask two things? A) Is it legal? And B) Has anyone pursuaded you into it? I just have your best interests at heart and you don't have to tell me the exact details but I just want to know that it's not something that will come back to bite you in the arse... Also, do you still need that £100 a month or can we nip that in the bud?"

See what reaction that gets.

evamumm · 09/01/2022 10:34

Also I'd like to add I am applying to uni and signed up to unidays etc for discounts and the emails that I get pestering me to lend money at extortionate rates are nine stop. So I think at 18 it would be very easy to fall into the debt trap.

Porcupineintherough · 09/01/2022 10:35

Shes an adult, you cant insist. And I would be really, really wary of implying she's in the sex trade or drug dealing unless you are absolutely sure this is the case. I can see why you are concerned, but tread very carefully. Dont damage your relationship with her over something you cant change.

KiloWhat · 09/01/2022 10:36

It's not going to be Avon or something or she'd tell you so just assume its dodgy somehow

PlanktonsComputerWife · 09/01/2022 10:39

You know that if it were a young lad, there wouldn't be such a resounding chorus of "he must be a rent boy."Confused

SpiderinaWingMirror · 09/01/2022 10:41

You can't control it.
However, you can assume that it is unsavoury because she won't tell you and the money is disproportionate to any likely healthy activity.
I would be very clear indeed thar you don't want unexplained proceeds being shared with your son.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 09/01/2022 10:42

Could be crypto currency or something like that.

ilovebrie8 · 09/01/2022 10:42

That’s a lot of expensive gifts...you are right to be concerned...the fact she’s not saying where all the money is coming from is a red flag in itself. She’s still young and needs guidance at that age ...how you can find out I’m not sure đŸ¤” but something is up !

NiceShrubbery · 09/01/2022 10:42

At university I made shedloads in cash from tutoring foreign students in English and proofreading their essays

And were you too ashamed to tell your parents?

nitsandwormsdodger · 09/01/2022 10:42

Work on building the relationship up , maybe tell her things you’ve done for money that you are not proud of , let her know that if it’s sex work she can talk to you about it . you are only concerned for her safety and future job prospects.

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 09/01/2022 10:43

@PlanktonsComputerWife

You know that if it were a young lad, there wouldn't be such a resounding chorus of "he must be a rent boy."Confused
Well, no. It would be drugs or gambling.
ilovebrie8 · 09/01/2022 10:43

The most likely sources are likely to be drugs/sex related ...I hope you can get to root if it for her future wellbeing

Sportsnight · 09/01/2022 10:43

I can’t believe how relaxed people are about their teen daughters doing sex work. It’s emotionally damaging, it often attracts girls who already have serious problems with mental health or self esteem, and it has the potential to leave a long digital footprint that could wreck the rest of their lives. I would not be relaxed and cool about it.

girlmom21 · 09/01/2022 10:43

@PlanktonsComputerWife

You know that if it were a young lad, there wouldn't be such a resounding chorus of "he must be a rent boy."Confused
No - there'd be an assumption he was a drug dealer
ufucoffee · 09/01/2022 10:44

@PlanktonsComputerWife

You know that if it were a young lad, there wouldn't be such a resounding chorus of "he must be a rent boy."Confused
If it was a young man and he wouldn't tell me where he was getting the money from that might cross my mind tbh
Relationadviceneeded · 09/01/2022 10:44

Yep, OnlyFans

Medievalist · 09/01/2022 10:44

*I would not leap to suspect sex work. Especially as hardly anyone makes any real money from onlyfans.

At university I made shedloads in cash from tutoring foreign students in English and proofreading their essays.*

And I expect if the dd was earning so much money by something like tutoring she'd be happy to tell her dm - don't you think?

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