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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want dd to tell me where she is getting this money from

711 replies

Curato · 09/01/2022 09:43

Dd is in her second year at university and for Christmas she bought ds a laptop. I thought this was a lot to have spent so I looked it up and it must’ve cost her around £600. I asked her about it and she said she could afford it and loves her brother etc so I accepted it.

It was ds 16th birthday on Friday and for that she bought him a new IPhone and Apple Watch.

I spoke to her and said I noticed she had spent a lot of money on ds for Christmas and his birthday as she is a student with a part time job in retail.

She then said she has a little extra thing on the side which is going really well. When I asked what this was she refused to tell me.

I spoke to DH who said she is an adult and doesn’t have to justify herself to me anymore and I should respect her decision. I am really worried though that she has become embroiled in something though.

AIBU to speak to her again and insist she tells me what she is doing to generate this money or do I need to cut the apron strings.

OP posts:
trumpisagit · 09/01/2022 11:00

I agree you need to know if it's legal.
Your 16 y o can't accept the gifts otherwise. He also may not want to accept them if his sister is having to do sex work to earn them.
I think telling your adult child that where the money comes from matters is totally reasonable.

LollyPops111 · 09/01/2022 11:01

Sorry I should also add, she is a young lady and she doesn’t have to tell you where she’s getting her money from but I’d also share your concerns too. The only things I’d want her to know is that if it is OnlyFans, then she needs to be aware of the risks, for example, content being shared, it may be easy money for many young women but once your images are out there, there is nothing you can do and have no control over.

HaveringWavering · 09/01/2022 11:02

Remind her that she'll need to declare it for tax if it goes over the tax-free allowance when combined with her income from her job.

JustLyra · 09/01/2022 11:02

@GoldSilverGlimmer

So on the eyes of the law, she is not an independent adult, until way out of her 20’s.
Student finance isn’t the law. She’s an adult in the eyes of the law.

Even if your child doesn’t live with you then your income is still taken into account (my nephew had to go through a really vigorous procedure to show that he was financially independent from his parents because he stayed with us since 15 because of violence in the home).

catfunk · 09/01/2022 11:02

Are you able to have a calm and reasonable discussion with her ?
Only fans is the least of your worries - some sort of mule activity or debt could get her into even more trouble than OF, which is quite common these days

drpet49 · 09/01/2022 11:03

** I would be concerned if this was my daughter too - as she might feel fine about selling herself now, but how might it effect her further down the line? If she's not telling you what it is, of course it's something dodgy. sad

I'm not sure what you can do about it though.**

^This unfortunately. She’ll ruin her life before it’s even begun.

Idontknowlondon · 09/01/2022 11:05

@Prinnny

Sounds like sex work, hopefully only fans rather than a strip club. Don’t push her, she’s an adult who doesn’t have to run things past her mum, just be there for if she does want to open up.
Why? Only fans the photos can go anywhere, be around forever, haunt you long after you stop. A strip club isn't long lasting.

OP, there's no way I'd have told my parents what I did for money at uni but I also wasn't stupid enough to flash the cash either. But they didn't pay me anything for uni either.

KurtWilde · 09/01/2022 11:06

[quote Staryflight445]@ilovebrie8 it’s sexual images, I believe subscribers can pay extra for more intimate/personal photos and videos too.[/quote]
It's not only sexual images! Much of it is NSFW, agreed, but I have a client who uses it for one of her extreme sports and a neighbour in her 60s uses it for her unusual cat breed. Both make money from it. Some celebrities and sports people have OnlyFans accounts.

OP please don't go making accusations that may be way off base just because some posters on here seem to think she's into something dodgy.

You know your daughter best, do you honestly think this is something she'd do?

And for those saying if it was something legit she'd tell you, if I'd told my parents I was working in a nightclub til gone 4am when I was supposed to be studying they'd have gone spare with the 'not focusing on your studies' comments, so that's also worth bearing in mind. I know income wise it's not in the thousands but the sentiment is the same.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/01/2022 11:08

Have to agree with the majority - if she's not being open about it, chances are it's either OnlyFans or actual sex work, especially if she's at one of those super-trendy universities who give their students handbooks on how to do sex work to help fund their studies.

You can't force her to tell you though. Pushing it will alienate her more, especially if she knows you won't like it (not many parents would!)

Balonziaga · 09/01/2022 11:11

Agree that it's probably OnlyFans or similar.

But it could also be drug related - low level dealing at Uni.

Neither option is great, but you can't force her to tell you (she won't anyway). The best you can do is mention both scenarios and say that given she won't tell you, these are your assumptions. You can then advise her based on your assumptions.

OrangeShark27 · 09/01/2022 11:11

If she had any exotic cat or an extreme sport I think OP would know about it @KurtWilde.

Onlyfans is mostly sexwork, especially if you want to make a decent of money. I would be very concerned about my child being on onlyfans.

OP Has she bought extravagant presents for anyone else? Or just her brother?

She's spent nearly 2k on him, that's inappropriate levels of spending on your brother. If you'd worked all hours under the sun would you spend 2k on your brother?

Omicrone · 09/01/2022 11:13

It's almost definitely Only Fans - its very common at the moment, lots of her friends are probably doing it too.

They will believe that they are empowered and 'calling the shots', but a few years down the line when they realise that their naked photos are online forever and they have zero control of them, I don't think it will seem so great.

I would have a chat with her about it, does she realise the risks of the likes of Only Fans?

girlmom21 · 09/01/2022 11:13

@GoldSilverGlimmer

So on the eyes of the law, she is not an independent adult, until way out of her 20’s.
Why do people insist on spouting such nonsense?
PinkSyCo · 09/01/2022 11:15

Avon? Smile

Helenluvsrob · 09/01/2022 11:17

County lines ? Money laundering ? Both targeting uni students etc.

CMhater · 09/01/2022 11:17

I'd be telling her that you don't feel comfortable having these expensive gifts in the house if she can't tell you where she's got the money to pay for them.

Gilda152 · 09/01/2022 11:17

When my dad started at uni she was approached at a gathering by a dealer who said he would pay her to go to another party because she was attractive I guess where the attractive girls are lads (customers for him) would go. He offered her quite a chunk of money per house party (£250) could it be that? She tells me she didn't go and in fairness this was during lockdown for parties were few and far between at the halls. Could it be that? Doubt it ends at just showing up for parties for these girls but my mind wouldn't jump to only fans just like that, it's not as attractive or lucrative as people think and most young women have caught on to that.

Gilda152 · 09/01/2022 11:18

DD not dad 😆

BigYellowHat · 09/01/2022 11:19

I’d be curious but she’s an adult and if she’s choosing to do something like Only Fans then that’s her choice 🤷‍♀️

hugr · 09/01/2022 11:20

@PlanktonsComputerWife

I would not leap to suspect sex work.Confused Especially as hardly anyone makes any real money from onlyfans.

At university I made shedloads in cash from tutoring foreign students in English and proofreading their essays.

Would you have refused to tell your parents what it was?
whumpthereitis · 09/01/2022 11:20

She’s got a right to privacy. She’s an adult, and if she doesn’t want to tell you, then ultimately she doesn’t have to.

It may well be sex work, only fans or stripping (I wouldn’t immediately jump to it being an illegal activity), but if you did find out it was, what power would you have over her to stop her? That wouldn’t blow up your relationship? I’m not going to assume she’s ashamed of what she’s doing either, more like she knows what your opinion would be, and doesn’t want the hassle.

No newly independent adult is going to put up with having their parents tell them what they can and can’t do within the confines of the law. Moral anger is all well and good, but what is it likely to achieve other than estrangement?

Restart10 · 09/01/2022 11:22

Sounds like she could have a sugar daddy. Either way you definitely need to know. She may be at uni and considered an adult, but if she's doing dodgy and degrading things to get this money then she needs to be called out on it.

KurtWilde · 09/01/2022 11:22

If she had any exotic cat or an extreme sport I think OP would know about it @KurtWilde.

I'm not suggesting she does, @OrangeShark27 I'm outlining the fact that people do use it for all kinds of things now not just NSFW content. as there seems to be ignorance spread all over MN about OnlyFans only being for sexual pics and videos when it clearly isn't.

Skullycup45 · 09/01/2022 11:23

I would try a change of tactic. Instead of demanding she tells you how she gets her money, let her know its up to her and you respect that. But reassure her that you don't judge her and you will help her if she finds herself in a difficult or dangerous situation. Whether that is from drug dealers, sex pest clients or running up a £5k credit card bill.

I like they way everyone jumped to Only Fans and not a credit card. Confused

Getyourjinglebellsinarow · 09/01/2022 11:24

She's an adult. You've made a choice to support her and I don't think you should retract that because she's not sitting on her arse just accepting your money and has gone out to top herself up.
She could be doing anything, it's really not up to you to demand to know. Then what? Are you going to tell her she can't escort or whatever it is she's doing to earn money.
It's unlikely you telling her to stop would change anything except damage your relationship with her.