Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want dd to tell me where she is getting this money from

711 replies

Curato · 09/01/2022 09:43

Dd is in her second year at university and for Christmas she bought ds a laptop. I thought this was a lot to have spent so I looked it up and it must’ve cost her around £600. I asked her about it and she said she could afford it and loves her brother etc so I accepted it.

It was ds 16th birthday on Friday and for that she bought him a new IPhone and Apple Watch.

I spoke to her and said I noticed she had spent a lot of money on ds for Christmas and his birthday as she is a student with a part time job in retail.

She then said she has a little extra thing on the side which is going really well. When I asked what this was she refused to tell me.

I spoke to DH who said she is an adult and doesn’t have to justify herself to me anymore and I should respect her decision. I am really worried though that she has become embroiled in something though.

AIBU to speak to her again and insist she tells me what she is doing to generate this money or do I need to cut the apron strings.

OP posts:
Classicblunder · 09/01/2022 10:12

I had a lot of (female) friends at university who made a lot of money doing online poker

BruceBogtrottersWife · 09/01/2022 10:13

Another vote for onlyfans

Redwinestillfine · 09/01/2022 10:13

Chat to her again. Say no judgement but you're worried she has got into something like onlyfans/ escorting and will think this unless she puts you straight. Tell her you just want to talk it over and can revisit finances if necessary.

Mummy1608 · 09/01/2022 10:14

It is very hard to get that kind of money from onlyfans - hundreds of pounds a month. Imo it's extremely unlikely to be onlyfans on its own with that kind of money. Drug muling, escorting, etc yield a lot more money, or even just dating a rich older man. Yanbu to speak to her about your concerns. I'd be very concerned in your position. I hope I'm wrong and your DD is OK.

RedRobyn2021 · 09/01/2022 10:14

I wonder if it's OnlyFans...

Fidgetty · 09/01/2022 10:15

@Ponoka7

"I would sit her down again and press her until you get to the bottom of it."

Great way to alienate her and have her go LC.

How? If they have a good relationship then the DD will open up. If my mum sat me down with genuine concern (not anger or judgment) in this situation I'd come clean. Depends on the relationship they have but if it's strong then OP should get to the bottom of it. She can't just ignore it!
Redwinestillfine · 09/01/2022 10:15

Also I imagine her brother would be mortified to know what his sister had to do get him his laptop

kindlyensure · 09/01/2022 10:16

(I agree of course there are many female poker players (Victoria Coren Mitchell is probs the only household poker player name). But it is statistically more common among young men. Plus the DD is not forthcoming about the funds, which makes it less likely to be that.

NashvilleQueen · 09/01/2022 10:16

In my job I would need to be sure it wasn't anything criminal so that the items now in my home weren't the proceeds of crime. So I would say that she either stops with the extravagant gifts or she stops with the secrecy.

moochies · 09/01/2022 10:18

Definitely OnlyFans. So many young women are doing it.

girlmom21 · 09/01/2022 10:20

I'd make sure it's legal and let it go.

Aaa456789 · 09/01/2022 10:21

I’m a student and a lot of students are on “only fans”. Good luck to your daughter if it’s going well she sounds very generous.

nuggetschicken · 09/01/2022 10:21

I'd be worried she's sticking it all on Klarna or similar. I'm an older student and some of the younger ones do this.

rwalker · 09/01/2022 10:23

Just tell her your minds in overtime thinking something like porn or only fans .
But you must tell her she's an adult and you just worry she's doing something not safe or illegal and leave it there.

goutabout · 09/01/2022 10:23

If she was an influencer making $$$ she would probably have shown you her Insta / TikTok or whatever. I'd also guess OnlyFans although she could well be racking up debt on credit cards / loans.

If she wants to enter a profession something like OF may come back to haunt her, even if it is normalised within her social group. More and more employers are screening social media from applicants or checking their digital footprint. You'd need to approach the matter sensitively though (and not falsely accuse her of anything!)

WhoAre · 09/01/2022 10:23

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

KurtWilde · 09/01/2022 10:25

She's an adult, albeit a young one but still, you really can't insist on her telling you. I'm also curious to know what difference her telling you would make. You couldn't insist that she stop even if you knew, but you do risk it damaging your relationship if it's something you're uncomfortable with.

Nanny0gg · 09/01/2022 10:25

What are her future career plans?
If it is something like Onlyfans, could this be a problem?

NoNameHere12 · 09/01/2022 10:26

It’s probably something like onlyfans.

I personally wouldn’t like it if it was my daughter, but she is an adult. I would look at the bigger picture here and talk to her again about it, but I would make it clear she doesn’t have to tell me how she is earning the money but any safety or trouble issues regarding it you are there for her 100% and she can talk to you about that with regards to anything at anytime, as I would want her to feel she could if she was in trouble.
That would be more important to me than her telling me how she makes the money.

hivemindneeded · 09/01/2022 10:27

I'd ask why she is not so proud of her work that she wants to tell me all about it? What's the shame in it? And if there is shame in it, why does she think she has to do it?

IWentAwayIStayedAway · 09/01/2022 10:27

Stop with the 100 a month. She doesnt need it

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 09/01/2022 10:28

I wouldn't blame you for asking if it's safe and legal but I don't think you can demand specifics. Also I think if she doesn't need it then stop with the £100 p/m (or at consider that mumsnet suggestion where you put it aside for her)

NiceShrubbery · 09/01/2022 10:28

Can't believe some of the replies you're getting on here OP.

She is a student. They're adults in law only, still learning about the real world and still need a lot of guidance. How old, 20? At the very least, those hundreds of pounds spent on presents should be going to pay off the student loan. If she's lucky enough not to have a student loan, then savings.

It's absolutely your business if your 16yo is getting shedloads of expensive tech from nowhere/immoral or criminal activity. I'd be furious and would make her take it out of my house.

If she was a film extra or had some other legit job she'd be telling you. If I thought my daughter was on OnlyFans or money muleing I would be heartbroken. Good luck, I hope she sees sense.

ShadowGirls · 09/01/2022 10:29

OP, there's a number of avenues this could take you down and most of them you won't like

That's a lot of money from a part time job, it doesn't add up to me which makes me think it's something else

Most have been mentioned above, the ones that haven't are darker

WhoAre · 09/01/2022 10:29

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.