Divorced parent drama.

[bubbles123456789]

Excuse the long post but it's hard to explain and I'm not the best with grammar either!
I recently got engaged to my partner and we've been discussing our wedding with family members, I was having a discussion with my mum that I wished for my dad to be at my wedding, for context they've been divorced for 10 years after she found out he'd been having an affair with one of her friends. Me and my dad haven't always had the best relationship due to me being a spiteful teenager and taking my anger out on him and his partner about the divorce. We hardly saw each other when I was teenager due to me refusing to see him. I know he was wrong for having the affair but he's still my dad and I've chose to finally have a relationship with him, over the last 2 years we've become close and I see him regularly as well as his partner- the same women who was once my mums friend. I mentioned I would be inviting him and his partner to the wedding as I'll be having a small wedding and will not be inviting anyone else from my fathers side and can't stand the thought of my dad sitting alone at my wedding as I know none of my family will speak to him! She's thrown a massive hissy fit and had told me she won't come to my wedding if dads partner is invited and that I shouldn't bother to send her an invite. I'm now stuck in a dilemma as me and my mum have always been close, I see her 3-4 times a week and she has my children to sleep over regularly. What would you do? Invite mum and have dad sitting alone which would break my heart or not invite mum which would also break my heart not having her at my wedding.
Sorry for the long rambling post but I can't sleep as it keeps going round in my head of what I should do!

Invite him but tell her he will be sitting with her like grown up parents?

We used to invite one of my dad's brothers to pacify my mother

At my wedding ex husband had his parents and step parents the mother and step mother used to be close friends and neighbours it was bloody awkward he walked from his wife's house to his married girlfriends house two doors away

@Theunamedcat

Invite him but tell her he will be sitting with her like grown up parents?

We used to invite one of my dad's brothers to pacify my mother

At my wedding ex husband had his parents and step parents the mother and step mother used to be close friends and neighbours it was bloody awkward he walked from his wife's house to his married girlfriends house two doors away

My dad doesn't have an issue coming to the wedding with my mum being there neither does his partner. I think they were both quite thrilled to actually be invited since our relationship has only just started blossoming, it's my mum whose being petty and refusing to go if his partner does. She'll more than happily sit with my dad but won't be near his partner since she's a backstabber apparently for once being her friend and having the affair with my dad.

What a horrible dilemma.
Have you spoken to your Dad and got his opinion? There is a chance he may say he is fine to be alone as he knows the presence of his partner will cause upset to your DM and her family. Maybe he will just want to attend the ceremony?
It sounds like your DMum has always been there for you, unlike your Dad, and it will be sad to upset her on what should be a happy day for you both.
I know 10 years is a long time, and it would be nice if your parents could bury the hatchet but our emotions sometimes run away with us humans!

@Peakypolly

What a horrible dilemma. Have you spoken to your Dad and got his opinion? There is a chance he may say he is fine to be alone as he knows the presence of his partner will cause upset to your DM and her family. Maybe he will just want to attend the ceremony? It sounds like your DMum has always been there for you, unlike your Dad, and it will be sad to upset her on what should be a happy day for you both. I know 10 years is a long time, and it would be nice if your parents could bury the hatchet but our emotions sometimes run away with us humans!

I'm having dinner with my dad and his partner on Friday to discuss the details but I know it will also upset her if I tell her she can't attend. I just wish my mum could act like an adult for one day instead of having to cause drama! My dad doesn't drive and the venue is rather far out for him just to attend for the ceremony and was hoping to have a father-daughter dance with him in the evening. It's just a horrible situation all round.

I think start as you mean to go on. Have the wedding the way that you want and hold the same pattern for all other future events, birthdayas, christenings etc otherwise you’ll be pandering to your mum forever. I feel for you.

This is your day and your mum is ruining it. She needs to be an adult and put her feelings aside for the sake of you, her daughter!

My parents were divorced (ended badly) for 10 years prior to my wedding. My dad being the bitter one. They hadn't seen/spoken to eachother in all those years but both came to my wedding. They were amicable for the sake of their child (me) who they decided to create in their marriage, once upon a happy time!

I would just invite your dad and not his partner. I'm sure his partner will understand why your mum doesn't want her to be there. I'm surprised his partner would want to be there after what she did to your mum.

I think one of my biggest issues is how my mum is more than happy to see my dad and be amicable with my dad even though he also had the affair, of course it was entirely wrong of his partner to do what she did but she's also not the only one to blame. I'm not asking them to even be near each other or speak to each other, we're not having a traditional sit down meal or table plans so they can quite literally be on opposite sides of the room. I think if I was inviting members from my dads side I wouldn't feel so guilty about not having his partner there but if she's not there it will only be me and my then husband to speak to him and obviously I can't spend all night with just my dad.

Yes it is a horrible situation but it was your dad and his partner who had an affair so I don't see why your mother should have to see his partner at your wedding. The fact that she was your mum's friend makes it a hundred times worse.

I'm with your mum and I don't think it fair that you should ask her to have to see her former friend.

Tbh I can see where your mum is coming from. This will have been the worst experience of her life and she will have been so hurt by the behaviour of your Dad and his partner. to have to sit in a room with them both would be very hard in any situation. This just the consequences of affairs particularly with a best friend. Surely your dad will understand that? Personally I’d explain it to him and ask him to not bring the partner. You can make sure he is sat with sympathetic/neutral parties for the meal so he won’t be on his own.

@ILoveAllRainbowsx

Yes it is a horrible situation but it was your dad and his partner who had an affair so I don't see why your mother should have to see his partner at your wedding. The fact that she was your mum's friend makes it a hundred times worse.

I'm with your mum and I don't think it fair that you should ask her to have to see her former friend.

I completely understand why she doesn't want to see her former friend and I'm not asking for them to get along it would be the first and last situation they would ever need to see each other since things like my children's birthdays and other occasions are celebrated separately. I guess I would just feel sorry for my dad being seated on his own for most of the day and not having anyone to chat with.

Well I think it is very decent of your mum to amicable with your dad and I assume she is doing this for your sake. I doubt she would be amicable if they had not had children together.

I'm sure your dad will be fine on his own. Sorry but he had the affair and has to live with the consequences.

How would you feel if your husband had an affair with your best friend?

@CookieCrunch123

Tbh I can see where your mum is coming from. This will have been the worst experience of her life and she will have been so hurt by the behaviour of your Dad and his partner. to have to sit in a room with them both would be very hard in any situation. This just the consequences of affairs particularly with a best friend. Surely your dad will understand that? Personally I’d explain it to him and ask him to not bring the partner. You can make sure he is sat with sympathetic/neutral parties for the meal so he won’t be on his own.

He wouldn't have anyone else to be seated with I'm having a small wedding and am not close to any other members from his side of the family, both his parents have passed away and he's an only child so I couldn't even invite an aunt or uncle for him to chat and sit with. I do see where she's coming from and understand the pain they both caused her but I just thought for a few hours she could ignore his partner and be celebrating my special day.

@ILoveAllRainbowsx

Well I think it is very decent of your mum to amicable with your dad and I assume she is doing this for your sake. I doubt she would be amicable if they had not had children together.

I'm sure your dad will be fine on his own. Sorry but he had the affair and has to live with the consequences.

How would you feel if your husband had an affair with your best friend?

I would be heartbroken but if my daughter wished for us both to be at her wedding. I feel like I'd be able to ignore my ex friend and be too busy celebrating my daughters day. I should also add she's now happily married to someone else and they will be invited to the wedding.

Do all the guests coming really hate him that much that no one would talk to him? If so, I can understand your concern for him as you want him to have a good time.

Can you invite someone else from his family to sit with him?

I think I'm just going to either just have my dad there to not cause upset to my mum or have my dad there and see if he would like to bring one of his friends as a +1. Either way it's going to cause upset to someone but all I'm sure off is I want both my parents to see me get married and I don't want my dad sat alone all day at my wedding as I feel it would just bring me upset seeing him alone on the day.

@CookieCrunch123

Do all the guests coming really hate him that much that no one would talk to him? If so, I can understand your concern for him as you want him to have a good time.

It would only be members of my mums family invited, both his parents have passed and he's an only child so I wouldn't really know of who else from his side of the family to invite. My mums side of the family understandable have a huge dislike for him because of the affair. Of course some of my fiancé's family may say hello and make small talk with him but they've never actually met him before.

I'm very surprised that the partner would even think that it would be acceptable in any way for her to come to your wedding.

She did the worst thing a best friend could do.

If I was your mum I would be upset that you are not doing what your mum wants especially as you are so close to her.

You are lucky that your mum is happy for your dad to be there as many mothers would not even allow that.

Could you get him and your in laws together before the wedding?

Then you could have your mum and dad on different sides of the room so your mum doesn’t have to have anything to do with the ow.

Could you also speak to your mum about things like the photos - she’s perhaps thinking the partner is going to be in all the photos etc and she’ll be wanting pics from your wedding without her in them.

@ILoveAllRainbowsx

I'm very surprised that the partner would even think that it would be acceptable in any way for her to come to your wedding.

She did the worst thing a best friend could do.

If I was your mum I would be upset that you are not doing what your mum wants especially as you are so close to her.

You are lucky that your mum is happy for your dad to be there as many mothers would not even allow that.

She only thinks it's acceptable because I've invited her she didn't assume she would be invited, I would be inviting her for the sake of my dad. I can completely understand where my mum is coming from and why she doesn't want to see her but she can not she my point of view at all that it would break my heart seeing my dad seated alone on my wedding day. How can I have a good day if every time I look at my dad he's on his own?

No one knows what goes on in a marriage other than two people. And even they will have different accounts. The truth is their marriage ended and both have moved on with their present partners. You have established a relationship with your father now and get on with his partner. No matter how hurt she is, and it was a longtime ago, your mother should be pleased that her daughter has a happy relationship with her father and step-mother because that makes her daughter happy. She doesn't have to be friendly, but she should respect your wishes on such an important day.

@JustLyra

Could you get him and your in laws together before the wedding?

Then you could have your mum and dad on different sides of the room so your mum doesn’t have to have anything to do with the ow.

Could you also speak to your mum about things like the photos - she’s perhaps thinking the partner is going to be in all the photos etc and she’ll be wanting pics from your wedding without her in them.

That's a possibly that I hadn't thought of regarding my in-laws and him meeting so I will definitely have to arrange something! Yeah I've explained to her that she won't be in any of the photos and her being there is purely so my dad won't be seated alone on the day. I'm not having the traditional 3 course sit down meal either so there's no top table or anything like that for them to be near each other.

Your dad will cope on his own
He is an adult and is not a sensitive person if he was heartless enough to have an affair with your mum's best friend.

Ask him to bring a friend.

You need to care about your mum. Your dad can look after himself.

@madisonbridges

No one knows what goes on in a marriage other than two people. And even they will have different accounts. The truth is their marriage ended and both have moved on with their present partners. You have established a relationship with your father now and get on with his partner. No matter how hurt she is, and it was a longtime ago, your mother should be pleased that her daughter has a happy relationship with her father and step-mother because that makes her daughter happy. She doesn't have to be friendly, but she should respect your wishes on such an important day.

That's all I want is one day for them to be in the same room as each other, I was 13 when the split up and have only ever heard my mothers side of the story as I've chosen not to question my dad and drag up the past.