Divorced parent drama.

[bubbles123456789]

Excuse the long post but it's hard to explain and I'm not the best with grammar either!
I recently got engaged to my partner and we've been discussing our wedding with family members, I was having a discussion with my mum that I wished for my dad to be at my wedding, for context they've been divorced for 10 years after she found out he'd been having an affair with one of her friends. Me and my dad haven't always had the best relationship due to me being a spiteful teenager and taking my anger out on him and his partner about the divorce. We hardly saw each other when I was teenager due to me refusing to see him. I know he was wrong for having the affair but he's still my dad and I've chose to finally have a relationship with him, over the last 2 years we've become close and I see him regularly as well as his partner- the same women who was once my mums friend. I mentioned I would be inviting him and his partner to the wedding as I'll be having a small wedding and will not be inviting anyone else from my fathers side and can't stand the thought of my dad sitting alone at my wedding as I know none of my family will speak to him! She's thrown a massive hissy fit and had told me she won't come to my wedding if dads partner is invited and that I shouldn't bother to send her an invite. I'm now stuck in a dilemma as me and my mum have always been close, I see her 3-4 times a week and she has my children to sleep over regularly. What would you do? Invite mum and have dad sitting alone which would break my heart or not invite mum which would also break my heart not having her at my wedding.
Sorry for the long rambling post but I can't sleep as it keeps going round in my head of what I should do!

My wedding (a million years ago) made me realize that the “adults” in my life couldn’t be grownups and my DH had superglued rose-coloured glasses to his face (OMG, I wish I could crowbar those bastards off!) and that every dysfunctional element will come out to play and it will be taking steroids. I wanted to elope and I still wish to god that I had.
Elope. Just do it.
Or failing that, have a party and invite friends and no family - make it a surprise wedding and show them the photos later. Explain your reasoning and let them feel like shit for trying to hold your emotions hostage.

This is just ridiculous and your parents need to grow up. Your mum needs to accept that :

1. It’s your wedding. She doesn’t get to throw a strop and make demands based on her own drama.
2. It was 10 years ago and she needs to move on from the hurt.
3. From your perspective, this is your father’s partner of a decade. She’s not ‘the OW’ any more. And was only that in relation fo your mother’s relationship with him.

@Immunetypegoblin

I would tell your mum that the options are:

Invite both parents, with no partners
Invite both parents and allow partners to attend

See what she says to that.

Why should the mum's partner be left out? He hasn't done anything wrong.

That's punishing the mum twice - once because her (ex)husband couldn't keep his dick in his pants, and again because the OW isn't fit to be invited in the first, so the new DH has to be lumped in the same category as the OW.

Do nothing.

When is the wedding? Is there a rush to resolve this Immediately?

Your mum is being unreasonable but is also having a huge emotional reaction. Things may settle. So don't take any action until she is calmer.

If dad and his partner bring up the wedding id just say mum has reacted badly which is a real shame and i am struggling with. But no more. Once they go home and discuss it they may offer for partner to not come. Id say thanks and keep it as an option but not act on it straightaway as hopefully your mum will come round and do the right thing.

After a month or two... do you have an aunt you could talk to your mum and gently tell her how rash she is being and to put you first?

Oh your poor mum.
I just really feel for her .
She has always been there for you ,yet you say her being upset ,is her causing drama
She must be so hurt

Tbh given the history if I was you my loyalty would have been with my mum who helps me with my dc and had only extended the invite to my df. It would be massively uncomfortable for my poor dm and I wouldn't have put her in that position personally especially as she was always there for me.

Just a thought
But when you were being a spiteful teenager and hardly seeing your dad
Who was looking after you then ?
Who held it all together when your dad walked out ,and took your mums friend .
Your making quite a few digs at your mum .
Your obviously not great full for all she did for you .

I’m on your Mums side for this one! The OW was HER friend so she was betrayed by her DH and her friend which must be devastating.
The fact it’s a casual wedding means it’ll be harder to avoid the OW.

In your shoes I’d just invite your Dad, and of course your Mum should bring her new DH as he wasn’t involved in the affair.

@Summersnake

Just a thought But when you were being a spiteful teenager and hardly seeing your dad Who was looking after you then ? Who held it all together when your dad walked out ,and took your mums friend . Your making quite a few digs at your mum . Your obviously not great full for all she did for you .

She can be grateful but still expect her mom to be a bit more mature on her wedding day considering they separated 10 years ago

Why should the mum's partner be left out? He hasn't done anything wrong.

That's punishing the mum twice - once because her (ex)husband couldn't keep his dick in his pants, and again because the OW isn't fit to be invited in the first, so the new DH has to be lumped in the same category as the OW.

This is all the mother’s perspective. Why should all of this be projected on to her daughter?

Seriously, children (of any age) should not be taking sides and categorising victims and villains in their parents’ (failed) relationship. It’s deeply unhealthy. I will never share the reasons I split up with his father with my DS. It’s not reasonable to draw him into that. Why on Earth are people encouraging this?

Whatever happened a decade ago was between the OP’s parents. The situation now is that they are still both her parents and they both have partners. They all need to just get on with it. And see a counsellor if they haven’t processed their personal feelings about it all. What they shouldn’t be doing is making this a problem that is overshadowing their daughter’s wedding.

@ItsReallyOnlyMe

I'm with your Mum.

She's the one who did the hard work in raising you. She had to pick up the pieces for herself and you when your father had an affair. And now she wants to enjoy your wedding day.

Your father and the OW should be the ones to bear the consequences of their decisions. Your dad didn't care about your mum being on his own when he left her - I'm sure he can cope for a few hours at your wedding,

If your mum cannot get past her ex friend being there, I think the comment in this post ultimately is one you should try to appreciate. I of course see the other side of the argument that it is only for a few hours. It sounds as though your mum has let a lot of water go under the bridge by being ok with your dad. There have been threads over the years, where 2 parents refused to both attend their child’s wedding.

I also think the betrayal from a close friend is worse than your partner because your mum will have expected sisterhood. Your mum may even have confided in her that she thought your dad was cheating on her. In any case, the double betrayal will have been truly heartbreaking as the 13 yo you was very aware.

Just because you have forgiven her ex friend, it doesn’t mean your mum has to. Of course it is self centred of your not to be able to put it aside for the day. Ultimately you cannot change her, only your behaviour and reactions.

"I'm now in the catch 22 of inviting my mum and only dad and him being upset day on the day which will of course upset me or inviting them both and my mum being upset on the day."

I don't even see how that's a difficult choice tbh.

Either your dad attends alone and spends the day missing his partner and wishing she was there.

Or your dad attends with his partner and they have a lovely time but your mum spends the day seeing the two people who hurt, betrayed and devastated her.

If you had discussed it with your mum first you could have explained your rationale, given her some time to get her head around it and shown her that you were considering her feelings instead of presenting it as a done deal.

Your dad wasn't expecting to be invited so would have been thrilled to be invited by himself wouldn't he?

I would invite who you want as it’s your wedding. People saying your mum is being punished and it’s ruining your mums day, surely the person whose day will be ruined is OP’s if she gets to her wedding and her dad is sat alone and miserable. OP has literally said she’d feel heartbroken. So she should spend her wedding day feeling heartbroken because her mum can’t sit in the same room as her ex partner and his partner for a few hours? Yes she was wronged but emotionally blackmailing the OP and spoiling her wedding day is not fair. OP didn’t have an affair.

This was ten years ago and your mum has a new partner, she needs to move on.

If you have kids and they get married in 30 years will your mum refuse to go to their weddings too if they want their grandfather and his partner there?

Sorry but where does this stop, it is your day, invite who you want.

Your poor mum.

Your wedding, which should be a really special and joyous day for her, is not the time to have them in a room together for the first time. It should have happened earlier, then you wouldn’t have this drama now.

If your wedding is a long way off, I’d it possible to have some occasion where they both attend earlier eg kids birthday.

Otherwise I would be prioritising her and her feelings. She raised you and by the sounds of it does a lot for you still. I would not prioritise my dads feelings over her.

Your idea of letting your dad bring someone else along is a good one but I still find it difficult to understand why you think it would be tougher in him to attend without his partner than for your mum to attend with the OW there when no one has tried to resolve the potential tension at an earlier family event.

@BurntToastAgain

Why should the mum's partner be left out? He hasn't done anything wrong.

That's punishing the mum twice - once because her (ex)husband couldn't keep his dick in his pants, and again because the OW isn't fit to be invited in the first, so the new DH has to be lumped in the same category as the OW.

This is all the mother’s perspective. Why should all of this be projected on to her daughter?

Seriously, children (of any age) should not be taking sides and categorising victims and villains in their parents’ (failed) relationship. It’s deeply unhealthy. I will never share the reasons I split up with his father with my DS. It’s not reasonable to draw him into that. Why on Earth are people encouraging this?

Whatever happened a decade ago was between the OP’s parents. The situation now is that they are still both her parents and they both have partners. They all need to just get on with it. And see a counsellor if they haven’t processed their personal feelings about it all. What they shouldn’t be doing is making this a problem that is overshadowing their daughter’s wedding.

absolutely this!

If it was just an OW I'd say she should get over it. But this woman was her friend! Many women trust and rely on friends more than their husbands. I don't but it does happen. In that sense the betrayal may feel much worse knowing someone you trusted could do that with someone you loved. They are both bad but honestly I'd never see ex friend again either and certainly not expect her at my daughters wedding! I would flip

Does your dad have a relative you know well, or a friend you know (not ow) that you could invite as his +1 ? That seems a compromise as the ow is a stretch too far.

We had my exh around here recently but we had an amicable split and I met dp afterwards, very different dynamic

@Summersnake

Just a thought But when you were being a spiteful teenager and hardly seeing your dad Who was looking after you then ? Who held it all together when your dad walked out ,and took your mums friend . Your making quite a few digs at your mum . Your obviously not great full for all she did for you .

To what extent do you think the mother’s feelings contributed to the teenage spite?

Seriously, insisting that your children are involved in all this ‘she’s OW and therefore awful’ stuff is just us emotional abuse and parental alienation. When it’s going on a decade later (or 35 years if you’re my MIL) and is a key factor in one of the children’s wedding then it’s just become a toxic family dynamic.

I don’t feel sorry for a woman who is making this all about her hurt a decade later such that her daughter has to plan her wedding around that.

You are very young OP, if you were 13 when they split 10 years ago. The wedding is over a year away. You might have more perspective in time, on what your mum has been through. Your dad should be able to manage attending a wedding by himself.

For your mum to go through everything she has been through and then see this Glory Dad swanning in with his affair partner, would be incredibly painful. I don't think your mum is selfish or immature like you are portraying. She is a loyal mum and grandparent.

Just ask your dad and mum and sit them separately. Explain to your dad's partner. Hope you have a lovely wedding x

I’m definitely with your mum on this one. Just ask dad and another +1 if you don’t want him to be alone. Explain would be too upsetting for mum. Dad and partner need to get on with it. Do NOT feel bad!!

" People saying your mum is being punished and it’s ruining your mums day, surely the person whose day will be ruined is OP’s if she gets to her wedding and her dad is sat alone and miserable."

Well he shouldn't be sitting there alone and miserable.

He should bring a friend or relative and celebrate the fact that he's been invited.

Miserable because he's got to spend a day without his partner? Ridiculous.

And if he does find it upsetting then he needs to pretend he doesn't and suck it up doesn't he, since that's what op's mum is expected to do.

Mum feeling she can't cope with attending if she will see her ex and old friend together - selfish, bitter, needs to move on.

Dad feels he can't cope with attending alone - diddums, op's mum needs to stop being selfish, bitter, needs to move on.

14 years ago my fiancé (also boyfriend of 10 years) left me for another woman. We had no children. I was completely devastated. Lost my house, my pets, my social circle, my life as I knew it and my identity. I didn’t know the ow. It took me about 5 years of real heartbreak to get over it and move on.

Now I’m happily married with kids and am completely over the breakup.

Regardless of having moved on, the idea of spending time in a room with that ow (now his wife) would fill me with absolute horror and anxiety (much more so than just seeing him). All those nights spent crying. Everything I went through to try to pull myself through that breakup. Obviously he was far more to blame for my devestation than her, but she was the one who initiated decided she would have him knowing he was engaged, and as such she was a huge part of the hurt I felt for such a long time.

With OPs mums scenario the ow was a trusted friend oiling vastly more hurt and devastation into the mix, AND she had to get her kids through the situation too.

What I’m saying is - people aren’t robots. OPs mum can’t turn off how she feels about ow (her ex friend). It’s all very well saying that she should suck it up for the sake of her daughter, but people can’t switch feelings on and off. These are deep deep wounds.

"Seriously, insisting that your children are involved in all this ‘she’s OW and therefore awful’ stuff is just us emotional abuse and parental alienation."

Has her mum involved her over the years? Sounds like she's been a good mum, they have a close relationship and she helps with gc. Sounds like she hasn't said a word to prevent op from seeing her dad, rebuilding the relationship or inviting him. She can't bear to see him and her old friend together after the hurt and humiliation and is saying so.

This situation is so difficult so I really feel for you.

I think another poster hit the nail on the head, it's likely the humiliation & other emotions she will feel in seeing the pair of them together (she probs has never had to) but it sounds like the only other people there that day hate them too so it should be more awkward for dad & partner

My situation was different but I had a wedding invite issue with two people:

My Dad - Alcoholic. Never got over my mother leaving him. Lived a very bad lifestyle & was an aggressive, angry drunk. Was terrified of him being in my mother & stepfathers presence. He had never seen her properly in 20 years. Everyone was worried he would ruin my day including me but I was his little girl & I kept thinking I couldn't do it without him. Sadly he died before I sent out the invites.

Uncle - Fell out with one of his sisters & their children at a family funeral. Almost fisticuffs. I had left so didn't witness it & got about 5 different stories. The Auntie & her children were telling my mam they wouldn't be coming if he did. I was closer to uncle so refused. I was anxious about a family fight at my wedding for months & it really stressed me out. They still came. Uncle didn't come & has since cut himself from everyone including me

Sometimes family dynamics & relationships get so damaged that there is no putting things aside & getting on with things even just for a day. Some people are just not that kind of person.

I think being open with your dad & his partner is your best option at the moment to see where their head is about it all. She may bow out. If so, him meeting your in laws may help offer him some company on the day although your mother did seem like she is open to him going alone & if she makes an effort with him in that scenario then others might too

Good luck!