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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Divorced parent drama.

313 replies

bubbles123456789 · 09/01/2022 02:44

Excuse the long post but it's hard to explain and I'm not the best with grammar either!
I recently got engaged to my partner and we've been discussing our wedding with family members, I was having a discussion with my mum that I wished for my dad to be at my wedding, for context they've been divorced for 10 years after she found out he'd been having an affair with one of her friends. Me and my dad haven't always had the best relationship due to me being a spiteful teenager and taking my anger out on him and his partner about the divorce. We hardly saw each other when I was teenager due to me refusing to see him. I know he was wrong for having the affair but he's still my dad and I've chose to finally have a relationship with him, over the last 2 years we've become close and I see him regularly as well as his partner- the same women who was once my mums friend. I mentioned I would be inviting him and his partner to the wedding as I'll be having a small wedding and will not be inviting anyone else from my fathers side and can't stand the thought of my dad sitting alone at my wedding as I know none of my family will speak to him! She's thrown a massive hissy fit and had told me she won't come to my wedding if dads partner is invited and that I shouldn't bother to send her an invite. Sad I'm now stuck in a dilemma as me and my mum have always been close, I see her 3-4 times a week and she has my children to sleep over regularly. What would you do? Invite mum and have dad sitting alone which would break my heart or not invite mum which would also break my heart not having her at my wedding. Sad
Sorry for the long rambling post but I can't sleep as it keeps going round in my head of what I should do!

OP posts:
underneaththeash · 09/01/2022 08:37

I can see your mum's point of view. I don't see any reason to invite your Dad's partner - he'll manage by himself.

Devon1987 · 09/01/2022 08:37

This reply has been deleted

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BurntToastAgain · 09/01/2022 08:38

Actually @bubbles123456789. What I think you should do here is:

  1. Get some counselling for yourself about all this. None of this is your drama to carry and you will need help to put boundaries in place to move on from this ongoing dysfunctional crap.
  1. Tell your parents that whatever happened between them in the past, it is not your problem. They both need to get over themselves and behave responsibly. Your mother in particular, who is still playing the martyr and using that to control you (and marginalise her ex husband in your life).

You are moving forward and starting out on your own life. Draw a line under the drama over your parents’ divorce and do clear boundaries around this toxic crap.

Because right now, it’s your wedding that’s all about how hurt your mum is about that evil OW. It will only get worse if you decide to have children.

BurntToastAgain · 09/01/2022 08:44

@twominutesmore

"Seriously, insisting that your children are involved in all this ‘she’s OW and therefore awful’ stuff is just us emotional abuse and parental alienation."

Has her mum involved her over the years? Sounds like she's been a good mum, they have a close relationship and she helps with gc. Sounds like she hasn't said a word to prevent op from seeing her dad, rebuilding the relationship or inviting him. She can't bear to see him and her old friend together after the hurt and humiliation and is saying so.

The very fact that the entire thing is framed as that awful OW and her mother’s feelings about not being in the same room as her, suggests very strongly that it’s been a key narrative over the last decade.

It’s not ok to embroil your children in this stuff. It does deeply affect them.

Caterinasballerinas · 09/01/2022 08:46

I was going to say that a traditional top table set up for a wedding where there are divorced parents is always helpful, your dad would sit with your DF’s mum. Or totally non traditional and put them on seats as far away as possible for a meal, possibly even back to back. Run things like that past your mum, remind her that the best revenge is living well, as mother of the bride she is very important. Will you have your dad give you away or would your mum do that? Just wondering if she needs some gentle encouragement to allow you to have the day you want.

girlmom21 · 09/01/2022 08:46

OP I think you have to deal with this now so your kids don't have to deal with it 15/20 years down the line.

2DogsOnMySofa · 09/01/2022 08:46

My exdh family dynamic is exactly the same. My ex fil's affair partner was his mums best friend. Thankfully we just told people this was what was happening and if they didn't like it and couldn't act like adults for our wedding then they were free to decline the invite. No one declined and it was fine.

BurntToastAgain · 09/01/2022 08:47

What I’m saying is - people aren’t robots. OPs mum can’t turn off how she feels about ow (her ex friend). It’s all very well saying that she should suck it up for the sake of her daughter, but people can’t switch feelings on and off. These are deep deep wounds.

What you do in this situation is get lots of counselling and deal with your own wounds and feelings.

Especially as a parent. You try to shelter your children from this stuff. Far too many parents make their personal feelings about their divorce the key thing and transfer it all on to their children. Even decades later.

luckylavender · 09/01/2022 08:50

@bubbles123456789 - I understand your Mum's position actually. Ten years may feel
like a long time but there are some things you never get over especially as it was her friend. Could you speak with some other guests who could extend the hand of friendship to your Dad at the wedding?

LadyLaSnack · 09/01/2022 08:51

I am a parent (though my children are not related to that ex).

And I've had counselling.

However no amount of counselling would 'fix' the projected anxiety and humiliation I'd feel at being in a room with that ow. Personally I wouldn't pull out of the wedding, I'd try to shelter my child as to how I was feeling, but it would ruin the day for me, and the entire run up in worrying about it.

StrifeOfBath · 09/01/2022 08:55

Your Dad has a reason to be there: he is your Dad.

But I think you are being harsh in your Mum: why should she be faced with her ex friend? Who IS a backstabber!

OK, she could swallow her feelings for the sake of your day, but how does that make it enjoyable? It would actually be easier if you had loads snd loads of neutral friends, a big wedding, but at a small wedding she cannot do anything but be forced together all day.

I am guessing your Mum does not have a new partner?

Anyway, I would probably look for some other way of doing the wedding. Elope to another continent, for example.

StrifeOfBath · 09/01/2022 08:57

P.S meant to say “Your Dad has a reason to be there: he is your Dad, th only reason his partner is there is because she got together with her friend’s DH”. From your Mums POV.

LondonWolf · 09/01/2022 08:57

So you’ve decided to forgive him and bring his affair partner into your life after all these years and now your Mum has to as well? On your time scales? You kept it going for long enough through hurt and you weren’t even the one directly betrayed. That is not to belittle your pain though so please don’t think that.

I see that it’s irritating and upsetting and as a mum in a similar situation I most certainly wouldn’t put any child of mine in this situation but at the same time there’s no way I’d have done this to my own mother if I had a good, loving relationship with her. It’s your wedding day - a huge day for her also and something she’s probably been so happy and excited about and now this? I feel for her tbh.

Willyoujustbequiet · 09/01/2022 08:58

I'm with your mum

The woman raised you. Her feelings are the priority. She's accepting of your dad. Because he's your dad. She doesn't have to accept the friend who betrayed her.
If your husband ever has an affair how would you feel if your mum invited the OW to something?

Your dad is a grown man. Surely he can cope for a few hours.

Willyoujustbequiet · 09/01/2022 08:59

I could never have done this to my mum and think its shameful tbh.

LondonWolf · 09/01/2022 09:00

@Devon1987

Sorry but it was 10 years ago! Your mum is being a selfish bitch. Crack on and invite your dad, if mum wants to throw a tantrum then let her. You deserve to invite who you want to. It’s your wedding, not hers. Don’t let her go emotionally blackmail you.
“Selfish bitch”

Is this really necessary?

WoWsers16 · 09/01/2022 09:00

I was in the exact same position But the other way round.
My mum had had an affair - it was a very tough time and my dad was distraught.
When it came to my wedding I discussed with my dad first about the situation, and he openly said that he would struggle with mum being there but will cope but wouldn't want her partner there - and I fully understood- I would not want my dad to be made to feel uncomfortable on my day.
I spoke to mum and said she is invited but her partner can't come. She fully understood. Even though we are close we mutually knew it was the right thing to do and it hasn't effected anything.

Your dad can come by himself - he won't be totally alone and surely the purpose is to see you married:

Personally I think your mum has been hurt - and why on earth would she want to see the other women on your wedding day?

Cooper88 · 09/01/2022 09:01

I had this situation with my parents. In the end I lost my temper told them all to grow the fuck up and if they couldn't put aside there feelings for a few hours on one day for me then I obviously would need to reevaluate where stood.in our relationship. Funnily enough they all behaved and we had a lovely day.

waterrat · 09/01/2022 09:01

Sympathies op my mum couldn't have coped with my dad's partner at my wedding. My dad took perhaps the cowards way out and left his partner out. If you want openness and honesty I would suggest your wedding is not thr first time any of them meet.

waterrat · 09/01/2022 09:02

For those saying your mum is selfish. It is tricky. This is such a special day for her as wrll and she is probably incredibly anxious about meeting your dad and his partner ...

Sally872 · 09/01/2022 09:03

Mum has to accept your dad at the wedding that is part if being a parent. Can completely understand why she can't see them both together.

You are prioritising dad sitting alone at the wedding over the day being incredibly uncomfortable and perhaps painful for your mum. I think your dad sitting alone is easier for him to deal with.

marly2 · 09/01/2022 09:05

@ILoveAllRainbowsx

Your dad will cope on his own He is an adult and is not a sensitive person if he was heartless enough to have an affair with your mum's best friend.

Ask him to bring a friend.

You need to care about your mum. Your dad can look after himself.

This I think. That would be very stressful for your mum to have her ex friend there. I can imagine her spending the day with her heart beating fast and under great stress, not being able to focus on how proud she feels of you on the day. She has put the time in for your care till now so I think her feeling should be taken into account rather than your dad's potential loneliness on one day. I would think inviting him and having a grown up conversation with him about why it wouldn't be fair on your mum to have his partner there and why you wouldn't do that even though you have no personal issue with her yourself now, is the considerate compromise. They should surely understand.
NotebookVsDiaries · 09/01/2022 09:07

@bubbles123456789 It sounds like a horrible position to be in Flowers you're stuck between your parents. Your mum has let her bitterness take over her relationship with you. My dm had an affair with df best friend and my df has never gotten over it and still hates her. It was over 20 years ago and it makes me feel so awkward when I hear that side making digs ect. I literally don't give a shit what my mum did, their relationship wasn't my business and as a child I should never have been told those things about my mum.

I don't think you should uninvite step mum. I think right now say nothing to no one and get some counselling. Relationships break up for numbers of reasons and if we're honest affairs are often symptoms of relationship issues underlying. I say that as someone who was cheated on when I had small dc. Your mum is wallowing being the victim in this when the only victim 10 years on in this is YOU OP!

BurntToastAgain · 09/01/2022 09:07

@LadyLaSnack

I am a parent (though my children are not related to that ex).

And I've had counselling.

However no amount of counselling would 'fix' the projected anxiety and humiliation I'd feel at being in a room with that ow. Personally I wouldn't pull out of the wedding, I'd try to shelter my child as to how I was feeling, but it would ruin the day for me, and the entire run up in worrying about it.

It’s not your day though. It doesn’t matter if you enjoy it; you plaster on a smile and put your daughter first.

That’s the important thing here.

She’s getting married. She just wants to invite both her parents and their partners. Yet people think it should be about her mum’s feelings because she’s the ‘victim’ and the ‘good parent’.

TrashyPanda · 09/01/2022 09:10

Your dad will cope without his partner for a few hours.
It won’t “break your heart” to see him without her.
You will both cope.
It would, however, wound your poor mother deeply if you were to invite the former best friend who destroyed her marriage by sleeping with her husband. That really would be a slap in the face.

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