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Original poster

Divorced parent drama.

313 replies

bubbles123456789 · 09/01/2022 02:44

Excuse the long post but it's hard to explain and I'm not the best with grammar either!
I recently got engaged to my partner and we've been discussing our wedding with family members, I was having a discussion with my mum that I wished for my dad to be at my wedding, for context they've been divorced for 10 years after she found out he'd been having an affair with one of her friends. Me and my dad haven't always had the best relationship due to me being a spiteful teenager and taking my anger out on him and his partner about the divorce. We hardly saw each other when I was teenager due to me refusing to see him. I know he was wrong for having the affair but he's still my dad and I've chose to finally have a relationship with him, over the last 2 years we've become close and I see him regularly as well as his partner- the same women who was once my mums friend. I mentioned I would be inviting him and his partner to the wedding as I'll be having a small wedding and will not be inviting anyone else from my fathers side and can't stand the thought of my dad sitting alone at my wedding as I know none of my family will speak to him! She's thrown a massive hissy fit and had told me she won't come to my wedding if dads partner is invited and that I shouldn't bother to send her an invite. Sad I'm now stuck in a dilemma as me and my mum have always been close, I see her 3-4 times a week and she has my children to sleep over regularly. What would you do? Invite mum and have dad sitting alone which would break my heart or not invite mum which would also break my heart not having her at my wedding. Sad
Sorry for the long rambling post but I can't sleep as it keeps going round in my head of what I should do!

OP posts:
Fairyliz · 09/01/2022 06:23

Actions have consequences. If your dad had kept his dick in his pants he wouldn’t be in this situation would he?
So he will be uncomfortable on his own, he will have to accept this is his fault.
Sorry to sound harsh op I don’t want to upset you but I do get frustrated when people don’t think about the effect of their actions.

girlmom21 · 09/01/2022 06:25

It's your wedding.

Invite everyone you want to invite. If your mom chooses not to attend that's her lookout.

What if she didn't like your friend or didn't get on with your MIL? It's tough. She needs to put on her big girl pants.

BootsScootsAndToots · 09/01/2022 06:25

@twominutesmore

I don't really understand why it would 'break your heart' to have your dad there without his partner.

He is a grown man who betrayed his family horribly. He is lucky you have decided to forgive him and pursue a relationship, and that you have accepted the woman who pretended to be your mum's friend.

That experience will be the worst thing that happened to your mum. It sounds as if you have a close relationship and that she supported you as a single mum, and is now also a loving grandma.

It must be quite difficult for her to realise that you now like and accept the woman who hurt her so badly. I doubt she would be so friendly with anyone who intentionally hurt you. Whilst she does of course understand that you love your dad, your relationship with his partner must hurt her terribly. Whilst she can suck this up on a daily basis, I don't think it's fair to expect her to suck it up on such an important day as the wedding of her daughter. Instead of being excited and looking forward to it, she will be dreading it.

To me, you are putting this woman's feelings above those of your own mum and to be honest it says a lot about this woman that she didn't gently and politely refuse the invite.

This.

Your DF did an absolute shit thing to his family. Your DM was there for you when you wanted nothing to do with your DF.

Why can't your DF spend the day on his own? You're making a big deal him being alone, and totally ignoring your DM not wanting to share your wedding day with the OW? 🤨

Just because your DM is married now doesn't mean she's gotten over the hurt of her xdh and friend doing what they did.

KiloWhat · 09/01/2022 06:29

Usually I'd say tough but I think I'd be uncomfortable if I were your mum too. I'd invite dad and ask mum if she wants to be sat near him or apart from him.

SW1amp · 09/01/2022 06:31

@twominutesmore

I don't really understand why it would 'break your heart' to have your dad there without his partner.

He is a grown man who betrayed his family horribly. He is lucky you have decided to forgive him and pursue a relationship, and that you have accepted the woman who pretended to be your mum's friend.

That experience will be the worst thing that happened to your mum. It sounds as if you have a close relationship and that she supported you as a single mum, and is now also a loving grandma.

It must be quite difficult for her to realise that you now like and accept the woman who hurt her so badly. I doubt she would be so friendly with anyone who intentionally hurt you. Whilst she does of course understand that you love your dad, your relationship with his partner must hurt her terribly. Whilst she can suck this up on a daily basis, I don't think it's fair to expect her to suck it up on such an important day as the wedding of her daughter. Instead of being excited and looking forward to it, she will be dreading it.

To me, you are putting this woman's feelings above those of your own mum and to be honest it says a lot about this woman that she didn't gently and politely refuse the invite.

This!
KiloWhat · 09/01/2022 06:34

You can always explain to his partner that you'd love to have had her there but mum isn't comfortable with it. And then do some thing nice with the pair of them after

MsChatterbox · 09/01/2022 06:36

I would probably feel the same as your mum! However I would put my feelings aside for my daughter. I think the decision for him to bring a friend is the best option. Honestly his wife should understand considering she used to be her friend before the affair!

KatherineJaneway · 09/01/2022 07:06

I'm with your mum and I don't think it fair that you should ask her to have to see her former friend.

I agree

Bittercloudylemonade · 09/01/2022 07:07

I would not be giving in to an ultimatum. It's your wedding do what you like. When my (half) Dsis got married she wanted her Dad to give her away. He was a violent man who ruined our childhoods. But it was her wedding and we love her enough that we said nothing negative about it to her. Although none of us were happy about it, we smiled for her sake. She had a great day. He died a couple of months later. I am so glad that we didn't the memory of him at her wedding from her.

NightLight2 · 09/01/2022 07:14

You can’t pander to your mum. This is YOUR day, not hers, and the divorce was 10 years ago. She’s actually being a bit of a controlling bitch, dictating to you how she wants you to live your life to suit her. Your relationship with your dad is nothing to do with her.

Darbs76 · 09/01/2022 07:20

That’s tricky. I can see why she’s angry that her ex best friend who betrayed her will be there. Your parents can sit together - perhaps your dad can just keep his time there short and sweet if no-one speaks to him. I don’t think it’s appropriate to invite the woman who caused your mum so much heartache

Partyowl · 09/01/2022 07:21

Potentially I could be your Mum when my DS marries in a few months. Circumstances not quite the same - breakup only 3 years ago and so acrimonious that I can’t bear the thought of embarking on another relationship any time soon (his affairs during a 40 year marriage).
With the best will in the world I could not paint on a smile and endure a day with exH partner present at my DS wedding.
The guest list isn’t finalised yet. I hate the thought of putting my son in an awkward position but I just couldn’t do it. (And yes, exH would love nothing more than to pile on the humiliation and bring his new partner on the day.)

fargo123 · 09/01/2022 07:27

@twominutesmore

I don't really understand why it would 'break your heart' to have your dad there without his partner.

He is a grown man who betrayed his family horribly. He is lucky you have decided to forgive him and pursue a relationship, and that you have accepted the woman who pretended to be your mum's friend.

That experience will be the worst thing that happened to your mum. It sounds as if you have a close relationship and that she supported you as a single mum, and is now also a loving grandma.

It must be quite difficult for her to realise that you now like and accept the woman who hurt her so badly. I doubt she would be so friendly with anyone who intentionally hurt you. Whilst she does of course understand that you love your dad, your relationship with his partner must hurt her terribly. Whilst she can suck this up on a daily basis, I don't think it's fair to expect her to suck it up on such an important day as the wedding of her daughter. Instead of being excited and looking forward to it, she will be dreading it.

To me, you are putting this woman's feelings above those of your own mum and to be honest it says a lot about this woman that she didn't gently and politely refuse the invite.

Agreed.

Why are you so intent of putting the two people who 100% wronged your mother (and you) ahead of the person who picked up the pieces of your broken family and continued to put you first? Your father prioritised his want for sex ahead of his wife and child/ren. Why you'd even want him in your life at all baffles me.

If I was your mother I wouldn't attend your wedding either as you're quite clearly showing how little regard and respect you have for me.

girlmom21 · 09/01/2022 07:29

If I was your mother I wouldn't attend your wedding either as you're quite clearly showing how little regard and respect you have for me.

This is really unfair. It's been 10 years. She's allowed to forgive and move on.

Wannabegreenfingers · 09/01/2022 07:33

Sorry, but your mum is in the wrong here and I say this as a divorced parent who was left for the OW. She needs to grow up, it's your wedding. She doesn't have to be friendly, just polite.

Darbs76 · 09/01/2022 07:34

The scars of this kind of behaviour run very deep. My best friend is 45, her dad had an affair and left the family with nothing when her brother was fighting cancer (later died), they had to be rehoused to a council house and she hated the fact she had free school dinners and wouldn’t have them. She never forgave her dad and he’s died now and she never invited him to her wedding, but I know for a fact it would still hurt even now 30yrs on if that woman was in the same room as them. I think it’s easier to put up with a few hours with the father of your daughter as you understand why she wants him there, but the partner is different.

DisforDarkChocolate · 09/01/2022 07:36

@Westmeathtip

I think start as you mean to go on. Have the wedding the way that you want and hold the same pattern for all other future events, birthdayas, christenings etc otherwise you’ll be pandering to your mum forever. I feel for you.
This. Invite who you want.
workingtheusername · 09/01/2022 07:38

@bubbles123456789

I think I'm just going to either just have my dad there to not cause upset to my mum or have my dad there and see if he would like to bring one of his friends as a +1. Either way it's going to cause upset to someone but all I'm sure off is I want both my parents to see me get married and I don't want my dad sat alone all day at my wedding as I feel it would just bring me upset seeing him alone on the day.
I think you are right. Your mum is in the wrong but unfortunately it will probably have to be you and your dad that compromise.
Heronwatcher · 09/01/2022 07:42

I’m with your mum. You say it would “break your heart” to have your dad sit alone but wouldn’t it break your heart to have your mum feel that the whole day was ruined and her not enjoy it at all because she can’t face it? Your Dad’s partner hasn’t bought you up, she’s not the priority. I am sure she might be a bit disappointed but if she truly cares about you she’ll understand. I’d just invite your mum and dad and leave it at that. Maybe you could do a nice dinner with your husband and your dad and partner another time. Be aware that even if you do manage to talk your mum around she’ll likely not enjoy the day and leave early.

Immunetypegoblin · 09/01/2022 07:42

I would tell your mum that the options are:

Invite both parents, with no partners
Invite both parents and allow partners to attend

See what she says to that.

LadyLaSnack · 09/01/2022 07:44

Sorry OP I think you’ve gone about this all the wrong way around.

It sounds to me that if you’d spoken to your mum first before inviting dad and ow that you could have avoided a lot of hurt and stress here.

This would have given your mum the chance to voice her upset at the idea, and also would have allowed her to feel validated that you care about her feelings, before the invite to ow had been issued.

At that point you could have either invited only your dad (and sounds like he would have been delighted by a solo invite as he wasn’t expecting anything) or you could even have spoken to him about bringing a plus one who isn’t someone who previously contributed in devastating your mum’s life.

Won’t it mar your day if you know your mum is extremely upset? And hopefully your dad wants you to enjoy yours more than he cares about having his wife there? I think the obvious solution is to de-invite ow.

RobertSmithsLipstick · 09/01/2022 07:47

Will your mum allow you to do something nice with your dad and his partner instead of him attending, or will that hurt her feelings, too?
She is expecting everyone to accommodate what she wants, which, obviously, if it was early days, you would.
Is this going to be a lifelong issue?

SW1amp · 09/01/2022 07:53

@NightLight2

You can’t pander to your mum. This is YOUR day, not hers, and the divorce was 10 years ago. She’s actually being a bit of a controlling bitch, dictating to you how she wants you to live your life to suit her. Your relationship with your dad is nothing to do with her.
The mum had to pick up the pieces of OPs difficult childhood when she had no relationship with her dad The mum had to be both parents after the dad exploded a hand grenade into her teenage years with his affair

And presumably had to also hand hold her through patching the relationship back up when she got back in contact with the dad

On what planet do you think ‘your relationship with your dad is nothing to do with her’
It’s a ridiculous and untrue comment

FrankGrillosWrist · 09/01/2022 07:54

Just invite your parents, forget about the other woman. You need to have your mom’s back here. I am the other woman.

Original poster
bubbles123456789 · 09/01/2022 07:55

Firstly for the people saying I'm choosing the 'other woman' over my mum I'm not all I'm trying to find a balance for both my parents to enjoy the day. For those saying dads a grown man and can spend the day alone and don't understand why it would break my heart it's because I couldn't stand to see anyone sat alone at my wedding where it's a day to be celebrated let alone my own fathers even if he did have an affair! I'm now in the catch 22 of inviting my mum and only dad and him being upset day on the day which will of course upset me or inviting them both and my mum being upset on the day. As I've said I think it's clear that'll I'll just have to invite dad and ask him to bring a friend much to my dismay as now I've allowed my mother to put her feelings of hate and resent over a celebration.

OP posts:
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