Page 2 | Divorced parent drama.

bubbles123456789 · 2022-01-09T02:44:45+00:00

Excuse the long post but it's hard to explain and I'm not the best with grammar either! I recently got engaged to my partner and we've been discussing our wedding with family members, I was having a discussion with my mum that I wished for my dad to be at my wedding, for context they've been divorced for 10 years after she found out he'd been having an affair with one of her friends. Me and my dad haven't always had the best relationship due to me being a spiteful teenager and taking my anger out on him and his partner about the divorce. We hardly saw each other when I was teenager due to me refusing to see him. I know he was wrong for having the affair but he's still my dad and I've chose to finally have a relationship with him, over the last 2 years we've become close and I see him regularly as well as his partner- the same women who was once my mums friend. I mentioned I would be inviting him and his partner to the wedding as I'll be having a small wedding and will not be inviting anyone else from my fathers side and can't stand the thought of my dad sitting alone at my wedding as I know none of my family will speak to him! She's thrown a massive hissy fit and had told me she won't come to my wedding if dads partner is invited and that I shouldn't bother to send her an invite. [sad] I'm now stuck in a dilemma as me and my mum have always been close, I see her 3-4 times a week and she has my children to sleep over regularly. What would you do? Invite mum and have dad sitting alone which would break my heart or not invite mum which would also break my heart not having her at my wedding. [sad] Sorry for the long rambling post but I can't sleep as it keeps going round in my head of what I should do!

madisonbridges · 09/01/2022 03:37

You are lucky that your mum is happy for your dad to be there as many mothers would not even allow that.

I mean what is this even about? The op is a grown woman, what right has a mother to disallow anything? What sort of mother would dictate that a father not be invited to his daughters wedding and would think that's a reasonable demand?

Original poster

bubbles123456789 · 09/01/2022 03:38

@ILoveAllRainbowsx

Your dad will cope on his own He is an adult and is not a sensitive person if he was heartless enough to have an affair with your mum's best friend.

Ask him to bring a friend.

You need to care about your mum. Your dad can look after himself.

Yeah i did mention above that I might just have to ask him to bring a friend. Which I think is going to be the only solution since I can't not have my mum at my wedding day.

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JustLyra · 09/01/2022 03:38

I'm not having the traditional 3 course sit down meal either so there's no top table or anything like that for them to be near each other.

Might also be worth checking that your mum isn’t thinking that that’s why you’re not having that

Catflapkitkat · 09/01/2022 03:40

Does your Dad have any siblings or a close friend that you knew growing up? If not his partner, ask him if there is something he would like to bring for moral support.

I do understand your mum's reaction and why she will accept your Dad being there. Even though he betrayed her, he is your flesh and blood but her former friends is not. I am assuming your mum is single - them turning up as a couple on such an emotional day will probably open up old wounds.

Original poster

bubbles123456789 · 09/01/2022 03:41

@JustLyra

I'm not having the traditional 3 course sit down meal either so there's no top table or anything like that for them to be near each other.

Might also be worth checking that your mum isn’t thinking that that’s why you’re not having that

Yeah she knows that I'm having a hog roast and buffet style food with no seating plans, we just want a casual day, marquee, DJ and dancing!

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Original poster

bubbles123456789 · 09/01/2022 03:42

@Catflapkitkat

Does your Dad have any siblings or a close friend that you knew growing up? If not his partner, ask him if there is something he would like to bring for moral support.

I do understand your mum's reaction and why she will accept your Dad being there. Even though he betrayed her, he is your flesh and blood but her former friends is not. I am assuming your mum is single - them turning up as a couple on such an emotional day will probably open up old wounds.

She's happily married and has been for 6 or so years and her partner is also invited! He's an only child and I don't know any other family members of his to invite. If I do choose to not invite his partner I will of course let him bring a friend!

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DreamTheMoors · 09/01/2022 03:46

Whose wedding is it? Yours.
Whose decision is it? Yours.

While agreeing that it’s very difficult to see your father and her “ex-friend” at your wedding, your mother should never use emotional blackmail against you for wanting your father at your wedding.
If if were me, I’d calmly say, “Okay, Mum, but I was so hoping you’d see me in my wedding dress on my wedding day and watch me walk down the aisle on the most important day of my life.
Don’t let anyone hijack your day.
You’re running the show here.

madisonbridges · 09/01/2022 03:47

I was 13 when the split up and have only ever heard my mothers side of the story as I've chosen not to question my dad and drag up the past.

I agree that you shouldn't ask, not because of dragging up the past, but because you're the daughter and the break up should be none of your business. I'm sure your dad could say things about your mum as your mum could about your dad. But none of us want to hear bad things about our parents. The truth is their relationship must have had problems and bad decisions were made. (Affairs are just wrong.) But it was a long time ago and you have ahead of you many situations and celebrations where you will want both of your parents to be there, and equally they will both want to be there too. Your father's partner simply can't be excluded forever. You need to decide what you want and stick to your guns - set the right pattern for the future.

Original poster

bubbles123456789 · 09/01/2022 03:52

@madisonbridges

I was 13 when the split up and have only ever heard my mothers side of the story as I've chosen not to question my dad and drag up the past.

I agree that you shouldn't ask, not because of dragging up the past, but because you're the daughter and the break up should be none of your business. I'm sure your dad could say things about your mum as your mum could about your dad. But none of us want to hear bad things about our parents. The truth is their relationship must have had problems and bad decisions were made. (Affairs are just wrong.) But it was a long time ago and you have ahead of you many situations and celebrations where you will want both of your parents to be there, and equally they will both want to be there too. Your father's partner simply can't be excluded forever. You need to decide what you want and stick to your guns - set the right pattern for the future.

Yeah I really don't feel that it's my place to bring the marriage up and drag up old feelings. She's now happily married and him and his partner have been together for 10 years. My wedding isn't until April next year so I'm hoping her feelings may change, if they don't then I've got a pretty difficult decision to make which I just know is going to cause upset.

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Original poster

bubbles123456789 · 09/01/2022 03:54

I should add my mother is a very stubborn women and would actually miss my wedding if I do invite my dads partner and she can't put her feelings aside!

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Original poster

bubbles123456789 · 09/01/2022 03:55

@DreamTheMoors

Whose wedding is it? Yours. Whose decision is it? Yours.

While agreeing that it’s very difficult to see your father and her “ex-friend” at your wedding, your mother should never use emotional blackmail against you for wanting your father at your wedding.
If if were me, I’d calmly say, “Okay, Mum, but I was so hoping you’d see me in my wedding dress on my wedding day and watch me walk down the aisle on the most important day of my life.
Don’t let anyone hijack your day.
You’re running the show here.

Thank you! You're right and it is my day I just had my heart set on my mum being able to put her feelings aside for this one day! I'm such a people pleaser and really don't want to cause any upset to anyone which seems impossible.

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madisonbridges · 09/01/2022 03:58

Wait a minute, your mum's happily married, expects to bring her partner but expects your father not to bring his partner? Good grief!
OK, she feels betrayed but it was 10 years ago and her life has moved on. Why can't she let your fathers life move on too and accept, not necessarily forgive, that his partner is going to be in your life longterm and she is going to have to learn to come to terms with it.

Original poster

bubbles123456789 · 09/01/2022 04:00

@madisonbridges

Wait a minute, your mum's happily married, expects to bring her partner but expects your father not to bring his partner? Good grief! OK, she feels betrayed but it was 10 years ago and her life has moved on. Why can't she let your fathers life move on too and accept, not necessarily forgive, that his partner is going to be in your life longterm and she is going to have to learn to come to terms with it.

Yeah she's happily married and of course her partner is invited! I would never expect to forgive or forget but was just hoping for one day she could be amicable and just enjoy my special day! It's ridiculous really but she would really not come to my wedding if I invite his partner, she doesn't make threats and is a very stubborn women.

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ItsReallyOnlyMe · 09/01/2022 04:02

I'm with your Mum.

She's the one who did the hard work in raising you. She had to pick up the pieces for herself and you when your father had an affair. And now she wants to enjoy your wedding day.

Your father and the OW should be the ones to bear the consequences of their decisions. Your dad didn't care about your mum being on his own when he left her - I'm sure he can cope for a few hours at your wedding,

Chickmad · 09/01/2022 04:05

@madisonbridges

Wait a minute, your mum's happily married, expects to bring her partner but expects your father not to bring his partner? Good grief! OK, she feels betrayed but it was 10 years ago and her life has moved on. Why can't she let your fathers life move on too and accept, not necessarily forgive, that his partner is going to be in your life longterm and she is going to have to learn to come to terms with it.

I agree with this.

If Dad isn't allowed to bring his partner then why should she be allowed to bring her new husband?

Maybe you could suggest that if she doesn't want the "evil" other woman there that both your parents come alone and sit together !

A decade has passed and you are asking her to play nicely for a few hours. Why should your mother's wants take priority over every one else's?

Original poster

bubbles123456789 · 09/01/2022 04:07

That's I thought I never even considered not inviting her partner and having them sit together, maybe I need to discuss this with my mother and see how she would feel about that. I'm not particularly close with her partner he's never not been kind to me or my children but we also don't have a connection or bond.

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Cocogreen · 09/01/2022 04:26

So stressful, ugh, don't envy you.
Get stepmum to stay away from the wedding and have a lovely dinner with her and Dad a few days before.
Get your Dad to bring a friend to your wedding.
Then you have both your parents there and hopefully everyone behaves.
As for those saying don't let Mum bring the new husband - what's he done wrong??

Original poster

bubbles123456789 · 09/01/2022 04:36

@Cocogreen

So stressful, ugh, don't envy you. Get stepmum to stay away from the wedding and have a lovely dinner with her and Dad a few days before. Get your Dad to bring a friend to your wedding. Then you have both your parents there and hopefully everyone behaves. As for those saying don't let Mum bring the new husband - what's he done wrong??

He hasn't done anything wrong I think my mum might just potentially speak to my dad more if her partner wasn't there but I can't say for sure, honestly I think that's going to be my best option invite dad and a friend of his and celebrate with the partner before or after the wedding. Just a sucky situation!

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Youngstreet · 09/01/2022 04:38

My dm has tried this stunt twice on me.
It’s because having the affair partner present is ‘humiliating.’
What my dm really means is what will people think and say. If your df is on his own then your dm can pretend nothing happened.
I told my dm not to bother turning up to my anniversary party when she threatened not to come and she changed her mind.
If your dm has other family coming too then ask them to have a word with her.
You’re young and could have 20 more years of this, you need to stand up for yourself.

DreamTheMoors · 09/01/2022 04:43

@bubbles123456789

It’s hard to see the forest for the trees. It’s easier for others to look at problems from the outside and see a solution than it is to try and solve them when they’re right in the middle of them.

I’ll bet if you’re calm and rational with your mum and just calmly say “okay, Mum, have it your way, but we’ll miss you…” she’ll snap out of her selfish ways.
If you react emotionally she’ll get her way.
Don’t give away your power!!!
Or, just tell her that your dad is being invited and she’s going to have to deal with it. Either way, you’re getting married on March 4th - or whenever.
And congratulations!!! ❤️

Autumnscene · 09/01/2022 05:12

My friend’s wedding, my friend invited her aunt but not her new partner. The ex Uncle came to the wedding alone too. They were fine with it, both put on false smiles and felt awkward, but they got through the day. People need to grow up and be adult. It’s not up to your mum who you invite.

RobertSmithsLipstick · 09/01/2022 05:50

I wouldn't keep accommodating your mum.
The affair was years ago, it's her daughter's wedding; how is this sustainable, and for how many years/situations?
She can't dictate that everyone needs to tiptoe around her shirt pride forever more, and at this stage, given the fact that she is happily with someone else, that's all it is.

twominutesmore · 09/01/2022 06:08

I don't really understand why it would 'break your heart' to have your dad there without his partner.

He is a grown man who betrayed his family horribly. He is lucky you have decided to forgive him and pursue a relationship, and that you have accepted the woman who pretended to be your mum's friend.

That experience will be the worst thing that happened to your mum. It sounds as if you have a close relationship and that she supported you as a single mum, and is now also a loving grandma.

It must be quite difficult for her to realise that you now like and accept the woman who hurt her so badly. I doubt she would be so friendly with anyone who intentionally hurt you. Whilst she does of course understand that you love your dad, your relationship with his partner must hurt her terribly. Whilst she can suck this up on a daily basis, I don't think it's fair to expect her to suck it up on such an important day as the wedding of her daughter. Instead of being excited and looking forward to it, she will be dreading it.

To me, you are putting this woman's feelings above those of your own mum and to be honest it says a lot about this woman that she didn't gently and politely refuse the invite.

THisbackwithavengeance · 09/01/2022 06:15

If your mum were single and had to sit alone whilst your father and her former best friend sat together I would understand the resentment and would agree that your SM should be uninvited.

But if she's happily remarried and her own DH is coming, then I think she should be able to let it go after 10 years for one day.

I feel for you OP, looks like there will be no easy compromise here. Can you point out to your mum that it looks like she is still in love with your dad if she bans his wife? People sometimes change their mind if they think it looks bad...

gonnabeok · 09/01/2022 06:21

I was in your shoes years ago. My dad had an affair. My mum never wanted any more relationships. My dad got a new girlfriend.At my wedding my mum and dad sat at the top table on their own apart from my each other. My dad's girlfriend sat on another table (she wasn't the affair partner). My mum left shortly after the meal with my nan.

I was gutted to be fair. It was never going to be easy but I wished I had not invited my dad's girlfriend. My mum clearly struggled with her emotions. I would much rather have had my mum and nan at my wedding for longer. Your dad is an adult.There are consequences to his behaviour and I can totally see your mum's point of view to be honest. His behaviour was appalling. I would invite him on his own. He needs to man up. If its uncomfortable for him then tough cheese.