Divorced parent drama.

[bubbles123456789]

Excuse the long post but it's hard to explain and I'm not the best with grammar either!
I recently got engaged to my partner and we've been discussing our wedding with family members, I was having a discussion with my mum that I wished for my dad to be at my wedding, for context they've been divorced for 10 years after she found out he'd been having an affair with one of her friends. Me and my dad haven't always had the best relationship due to me being a spiteful teenager and taking my anger out on him and his partner about the divorce. We hardly saw each other when I was teenager due to me refusing to see him. I know he was wrong for having the affair but he's still my dad and I've chose to finally have a relationship with him, over the last 2 years we've become close and I see him regularly as well as his partner- the same women who was once my mums friend. I mentioned I would be inviting him and his partner to the wedding as I'll be having a small wedding and will not be inviting anyone else from my fathers side and can't stand the thought of my dad sitting alone at my wedding as I know none of my family will speak to him! She's thrown a massive hissy fit and had told me she won't come to my wedding if dads partner is invited and that I shouldn't bother to send her an invite. I'm now stuck in a dilemma as me and my mum have always been close, I see her 3-4 times a week and she has my children to sleep over regularly. What would you do? Invite mum and have dad sitting alone which would break my heart or not invite mum which would also break my heart not having her at my wedding.
Sorry for the long rambling post but I can't sleep as it keeps going round in my head of what I should do!

Ten years?! And your mother is happily remarried? Dear God. She's making your day all about her. I feel very sorry for you.

@ImInStealthMode

I'm with your Mum on this. I doubt she's 'more than happy' to see your Dad there, but she'll know she HAS to see him at these occasions, because she shares you with him. No matter her own feelings towards him she needs to (and sounds like she has) put them aside for you.

She absolutely does not have to see or tolerate the OW and her former friend, doesn't have to put her feelings aside, doesn't have to play nice. She owes her nothing.

The simple solution here is for your Dad's partner not to attend. It'll mean your Dad's on his own but that's hardly the end of the world and frankly if he hadn't been so loose with his dick 10 years ago he probably wouldn't be in this situation. Actions have consequences.

Her father has been in a 10yr relationship with someone he fell in love with. I don't excuse affairs, but you can't drag out the resentment forever. At what point will her father be allowed to bring his partner to family occasions? Will she always be forbidden to attend by the ops mother who knows she can control anything by threatening not to attend. There are so many occasions when both grandparents would like to attend things. Will it always be the stepdad that gets an invite and never the stepmum? People fall in love and we can't always control how that happens. The affair was wrong but for how long are they both expected to pay the price?

@bubbles123456789

Firstly for the people saying I'm choosing the 'other woman' over my mum I'm not all I'm trying to find a balance for both my parents to enjoy the day. For those saying dads a grown man and can spend the day alone and don't understand why it would break my heart it's because I couldn't stand to see anyone sat alone at my wedding where it's a day to be celebrated let alone my own fathers even if he did have an affair! I'm now in the catch 22 of inviting my mum and only dad and him being upset day on the day which will of course upset me or inviting them both and my mum being upset on the day. As I've said I think it's clear that'll I'll just have to invite dad and ask him to bring a friend much to my dismay as now I've allowed my mother to put her feelings of hate and resent over a celebration.

WHOSE WEDDING IS IT???

If your mum is such a gigantic baby that she can’t manage to contain her feelings for a few hours on one single solitary day, then you need to seat her at the children’s table.

DO NOT let your mother or anybody on this thread guilt you into anything you don’t want to do.

This is YOUR day. Don’t be bullied. Stand up for yourself and get your fiancé to stand up with you.

I know you’re done op, but I don’t actually agree with the consensus. I don’t think you were wrong to want your dad and his dp there. He cheated on your mum, not you and in all honesty I think she should be mature enough to tolerate being in the same room as them for one day for your sake.

I know 2 sisters who’s father has behaved appallingly in the years since their dm left him for her new husband. To this day he refuses to allow any mention of their dm, the new dh (who incidentally wound up being as much of a father to these women as their own) or even their new brother (who is now in his 20’s). He makes every family event difficult as he will not speak to their dm, his ex, and if the new dh is there he simply won’t attend (obviously while expecting an invite for his own dp).

I’m sure he was very hurt by her actions at the time but it is absolutely wrong to make these women suffer as he has for their entire lives. It is absolutely pathetic behaviour and says a lot about him as a person. I understand that you have made your decision but I think your dm is wrong to put you in this position and I do not think you were being unreasonable to consider your df in all this.

I wonder what the response would be if the DM was posting. Likely she'd be told it was her daughters day and she can invite who she likes and to just do her best to get through the day for her daughter.

Also OP's DF is married, it's wrong to not invite both people. They are a couple.

OP's DM is wrong here and very controlling, sounds like she is hard work.

@Westmeathtip

I think start as you mean to go on. Have the wedding the way that you want and hold the same pattern for all other future events, birthdayas, christenings etc otherwise you’ll be pandering to your mum forever. I feel for you.

Absolutely this!

She is asking you to choose between them and that is not fair. I'd be tempted to call her bluff if she carries on making a fuss but tell her gently that she is cutting off her nose to spite her face and she will look the fool. They both did a terrible thing to her but her anger should not be taken out on you, better to be icily polite to the OW where necessary and maintain the upper hand. You have every right to have whoever you want at your wedding.

As both your parents have long standing new partners /remarried I would invite all 4 of them

I would also get your in laws to be to meet your Dad and his partner socially before the wedding

I hope you have a lovely day when it arrives

It's great that your mum is able to put aside the previous pain & humiliation and be civil with your dad at your wedding. She's probably doing this because he's your father.

She shouldn't be forced to celebrate the day with the other woman as OW is not your parent. Your dad and OW are the ones who had the affair, your mum has suffered enough because of it. It's time they (dad and ow) accepted that they are the ones who will have to make compromises and take it on the chin.

I'd say to your mum I've decided I am going to tell dad his partner cannot come as you will be upset, so therefore I'm sorry but I'm going to have to not invite your partner either so you are both with out partners to save any upset on both sides, I want my day to be a happy occasion. X

I understand your mum. Just invite your parents, but not their partners.

Your dad sounds a bit pathetic if he can't go somewhere without people worrying he is alone. Has he never had to go to work conferences etc. and had to figure out how to be alone there?

Your mum needs to get over herself. She's moved on & is happily with someone else & should be able to put the past behind her for one day for your sake.
I honestly think you shouldn't pander to her.
My friends dsis wouldn't 'allow' her exh's partner (also ow) to attended her son's wedding & my friend said it was awful. Her nephew spent the entire day trying to mind his dad who was alone & being ignored by everyone bar my friend who then got an earful from the rest of the family when all she was doing was making an effort for her nephews sake.
Ridiculous, childish carry on.

Ick you know as a mum (who's partner cheated on her while pregnant and after losing a child) I think your mums being really selfish tbh.

All this talk of "allowing" your dad to come to the wedding. It's not her wedding. By proxy your allowing her to come by footing the bill 😵‍💫 weird mentality.

I personally would hope that people would do the right thing for their children and grin and avoid for a couple of hours. She's got 0 right to put you in this position.

This isn't like it was 10mins ago this all happened and this is the lastest dolly your dads rolled out.

They did a bad thing. However one bad thing doesn't define a person moral standing for life. Personally if I was mum I would be rather glad that at least the relationship stood the test of time opposed to it being a throw away relationship that tanked the marriage.

"Your mum needs to get over herself. She's moved on & is happily with someone else & should be able to put the past behind her for one day for your sake."

I bet she could dig deep and endure the situation for one day. But I wouldn't want my mum to be enduring anything on my wedding day. I'd want her happy, relaxed and proud.

If it was a big ask, a big inconvenience, I might push it but really what's the issue? His partner wasn't expecting an invite so nothing is lost. Better dad sits alone than mum sits there with all those old hurts and humiliations being dredged up when she sees them together.

it would break my heart seeing my dad seated alone on my wedding day. How can I have a good day if every time I look at my dad he's on his own?

I was 100% with you, until this.

Why are you being so melodramatic about a grown man receiving a kind invitation to his previously estranged daughter's wedding? And going solo for a day, due to the consequences of his own behaviour?

It won't break your heart.
Your dad will cope just fine.
Your feelings of wanting to see him partnered up - after just a couple of years of re-engagement with him - certainly do not trump your mum's feelings of being betrayed by her former best friend.
You mum, who never left you, who never shagged your dad's best mate, & who you see 3 or 4 times a week & say you are close to.

Why are you over-compensating for your dad, who made no bloody effort with you for years - at your mum's expense?
Your mum is being big enough to accept your dad's presence.
I don't agree with her that your dad's partner should be held more accountable or should be singled out for retribution like this.
I get that she's being selfish & unreasonable about it, & that's a real shame. But more for her than for you. She's obviously spent years feeling bitter. Why would you rub her face in it by concentrating so much energy on your dad's comfort at the expense of hers?

Tbh, I’m surprised you want to invite your dad’s partner. That’s such a painful scenario gif your mum. Does your dad have another friend or family he can attend with instead?
I completely see where your mum is coming from.
Gosh.
The partner should be sensible and considerate enough not to attend tbh

@lisaandalan

I'd say to your mum I've decided I am going to tell dad his partner cannot come as you will be upset, so therefore I'm sorry but I'm going to have to not invite your partner either so you are both with out partners to save any upset on both sides, I want my day to be a happy occasion. X

But why would OP claim her father would be upset about seeing his ex-wife with a new partner when he was the one who had an affair and left her? That argument would just make OP look ridiculous.

If I were your mum I would feel like you were picking your dad and his partner's feelings over my own. If you only got back in touch recently then surely you are not close to the partner. She will be disappointed to not go, but it will be worse for your mum to have to go to the wedding of her child, which should be one of the proudest days for her, and instead spend the whole time trying to avoid the woman who in her eyes caused such terrible pain and the breakdown of her own marriage. Unless of course you really want them all there, I think you need to choose, do you put your mums feeling first or your dad's, knowing that it will be much more difficult for your mum to attend with this other partner there than it will for your dad to attend alone. I feel a bit sorry for your mum actually!!

@XelaM

I understand your mum. Just invite your parents, but not their partners.

Why? It's not a question of mathematics, it's about appropriateness. It's inappropriate for the other woman to attend the wedding. It's fine for the mother's partner to be there, he hasn't t caused any drama.

Why? It's not a question of mathematics, it's about appropriateness. It's inappropriate for the other woman to attend the wedding. It's fine for the mother's partner to be there, he hasn't t caused any drama.

It isn't really, though. You could argue that it is hurtful for the OW to attend, but there's nothing inherently inappropriate about someone that was once an OW attending the wedding of someone else. It isn't the mother's wedding.

We were in this situation. MIL cheated on FIL with his best friend at the time and MIL was still in a relationship with the former best friend years later when we got married. Weirdly, FIL was not bothered about MIL and her partner being there but MIL kicked off about FIL attending with his partner. Really weird. We were just firm and told both they were invited, if they didn’t want to come then so be it. MIL being MIL she did turn up but left early because she ‘couldn’t stand FIL’s smug face.’ To my knowledge, he didn’t even look at her twice but there you go. She’s always been the dramatic sort though so we’re used to it.

I’d advise you do the same. Your Mum can either grow up and show up for her daughter or she can hide away and miss out on your wedding.

I would just invite your parents... You mother is still unable to be pain free from the betrayal of your father and her best friend. Your mother had her heart broken because of them and it seems still unable to cope with the presence of her best friend. Your parents will I am sure honor your day, but having your stepmother will not make things easy, specially when you say that nobody will speak to him, there's a better chance that your mother will approach him and be civil and consequently others may do the same, this will most probably will not happen if his wife is there... It is your wedding and I hope you have a wonderful day. 🍀💐

Thing is, it's not just your wedding day you're going g to have to face this problem.

Not sure if you plan to have children but what will happen at christenings, birthday parties, nativity, sporting events...graduations?! All the events you would typically have your grandparents at. Unless you plan to keep her 100% out of their lives, your child will have some kind of relationships with granddad's partner and will want to ask why she's never invited to these events. What will you say? It will upset granny? Why does granny have so much control? Let me tell you from experience that even with the smallest amount of contact with your dad's wife your future children are likely to love het and want her round. Children are very loving and accepting and do not understand complicated adult relationships. My eldest sibling who had a similar circumstance with their parents (we don't share a dad) and their children adore my siblings step-mum despite the fact my mum and sibling hate her guts. A generation later they look like the dickheads because they can't put up with being in the same room 30 years later. My siblings children don't care what happened between them all, they just see grown adults refusing to put differences aside for their grandchildren.

Think very very carefully about how you want to go ahead with this.

In some of your posts you label your mum as 'petty' and 'throwing hissy fits' while you show a very different attitude towards your dad - you are concerned with protecting him and worried about how he will cope on his own at the wedding. Perhaps having had the constant support of your mum means it is easier to take her for granted, whereas because your relationship with your dad is newer, and you feel guilty for your teenage acting-out, you may feel like you need to appease him.

Your dad betrayed his wife and family, and had an affair with your mum's friend; If he had the skills to bring about that situation It is likely he can handle being at a wedding on his own for a few hours of his life. Furthermore, he is there to support you and see you have a good time, not the other way around.

The breakup of your family when you were young wasn't a 'neutral' situation. If your dad betrayed your family and your mum still feels hurt about this, then the consequences of his actions should fall on him, not on her.

The breakup of your family when you were young wasn't a 'neutral' situation. If your dad betrayed your family and your mum still feels hurt about this, then the consequences of his actions should fall on him, not on her.

This is making the child responsible for the problems between the parents. That not ok.

You want the consequences fall on the OP who cannot just invite both her parents to her wedding with their long-standing partners without her mother kicking up a huge fuss (and without her mother’s feelings about it ensuring that her father is almost ostracised while he does attend).

It wasn’t ‘the family’ that broke up. The couple broke up and that meant that they separated and became single parent families.

The father didn’t ‘betray the family’. He may have betrayed his wife and that led to divorce. It’s not the same thing.

Children’s lives are affected by the problems in their parents’ relationship. Profoundly when it leads to divorce. Parents should be seeking to protect them from that as much as possible - even in adulthood - and not ask them to take sides. It should be neutral in terms of the ongoing relationship with each parent.