Divorced parent drama.

[bubbles123456789]

Excuse the long post but it's hard to explain and I'm not the best with grammar either!
I recently got engaged to my partner and we've been discussing our wedding with family members, I was having a discussion with my mum that I wished for my dad to be at my wedding, for context they've been divorced for 10 years after she found out he'd been having an affair with one of her friends. Me and my dad haven't always had the best relationship due to me being a spiteful teenager and taking my anger out on him and his partner about the divorce. We hardly saw each other when I was teenager due to me refusing to see him. I know he was wrong for having the affair but he's still my dad and I've chose to finally have a relationship with him, over the last 2 years we've become close and I see him regularly as well as his partner- the same women who was once my mums friend. I mentioned I would be inviting him and his partner to the wedding as I'll be having a small wedding and will not be inviting anyone else from my fathers side and can't stand the thought of my dad sitting alone at my wedding as I know none of my family will speak to him! She's thrown a massive hissy fit and had told me she won't come to my wedding if dads partner is invited and that I shouldn't bother to send her an invite. I'm now stuck in a dilemma as me and my mum have always been close, I see her 3-4 times a week and she has my children to sleep over regularly. What would you do? Invite mum and have dad sitting alone which would break my heart or not invite mum which would also break my heart not having her at my wedding.
Sorry for the long rambling post but I can't sleep as it keeps going round in my head of what I should do!

Why? It's not a question of mathematics, it's about appropriateness. It's inappropriate for the other woman to attend the wedding. It's fine for the mother's partner to be there, he hasn't t caused any drama.

It’s the parents - and principally the mother - who are causing the drama here.

It’s the OP’s wedding. Not an opportunity to make a public display of her stance on the parties involved in the break up of her parents’ marriage.

" Not an opportunity to make a public display of her stance on the parties involved in the break up of her parents’ marriage."

It could of course just be that she finds the situation so incredibly hurtful and intolerable that she genuinely would rather not attend, knows she won't be able to hold it together when she's sees them both, knows she might cry when the old feelings and memories are dredged up.

Nobody knows what this man and her former friend said or did to her at the time, what images she has in her head.

People have different tolerances and different levels of resilience. She may be a silly woman courting attention and drama, enjoying upsetting her daughter. Or she may be a panicked woman who knows she couldn't endure the day, or the run up, however silly that might seem to some of you who think you could.

In which case, she should use the time before the wedding to undertake serious therapy so that she can attend. No one knows what she’s been through but it’s been a decade and she can do things to help her to get over it.

What she shouldn’t do is make it her daughter’s problem to solve. And, in doing so, make the demise of her marriage one of the key considerations in her daughter’s wedding.

Yes, I can see that you feel that way. I myself would not want to put my mum through it and would take the easy option of inviting my dad without his partner - since neither of them expected any invite I expect they'd be delighted with that progress. That way, my dad would be happy, my mum would be happy, dad's partner is in the position she expected (no invite) and I could relax knowing everyone happy and no one having to pretend or put on a brave face for me.

Which is, I think, exactly what op has now done.

Your mother needs to grow up. Invite your father and his partner and your mother and her partner. These are people you want for YOUR wedding. For that day it is NOT about your mother or her hurt feelings. It’s about YOU!

Please do NOT come up with some compromise where your father has someone else he knows or whatever. It would be insulting to his 10 years + partner.

If you have children she may very well become an important part of their lives too. Exact.y how long is your mother going to be angry? Ten years is long enough!

You will only be helping her to finally let this go.

Good luck, but just keep remembering that this is your day, and is about the people you want to share it with you, not about your parents’ hurts and battles.

"I just wish my mum could act like an adult for one day instead of having to cause drama!"

Yes, it's your wedding but your Dad and stepmum humiliated your mother. Give her some compassion!

Your stepmum should know she isn't a priority here, your Mum is. Cut her some slack. Be thankful if you've never been cheated on and had the "other woman" rubbed in your face. I feel so sorry for your Mum

Your dad’s a grown man. I’m sure he can handle sitting on a table with other people for a few hours. Surly having him there and your mum is the main thing. Do you want your mum to have a rubbbish time at your wedding due to the presence of the “friend” who had an affair with her husband? You seem to be very concerned with your dad’s feelings over your mums - who you admit you’ve always been close to and who helps you with childcare. Your mum probably feels very hurt by all this.

It would be insulting to his 10 years + partner.

A partner whose presence will be insulting to OP's mother. Who was her best friend until the 'friend' ran off with her husband ...

You seem to be very concerned with your dad’s feelings over your mums

Yes, reads that way to me too @ExcaliburBaby.
PP made a good point upthread about OP maybe feeling able to take her mum for granted (not consciously!) but feeling more constrained about her dad - perhaps leading her to prioritise his feelings in order not to 'lose' him again ..?

Well, I see you have made your decision, though since your wedding is quite a while away, perhaps it will be revisited.

I still think this would have been an opportunity for your mother to move on - she is happily married and has been for some time. It doesn’t help her to stay angry, and it potentially hurts you and her grandchildren...

I am not suggesting, of course, that she should be friendly to her former friend, or even to speak to her, let alone forgive her, just that for the sake of her daughter and her grandchildren she agree to be in the same room.

I don’t think that is too much to ask and I don’t think you were wrong to ask it. But of course you want your Mum at your wedding, and well done for trying to make the best of a situation in which you turn out to be the adult in the room.

I think I will feel the same as your mum if my girls get married. I am amicable mostly with their dad my ex h, because I have to be to co parent our daughters. I don't have to see or speak to my ex best friend that he had an affair with and it causes me huge anxiety to even potentially be in the same place as her-nearly 6 years on. I've had all the counselling going but the betrayal was terrible and the consequences were huge.

I think I would struggle to spend a day in the same place as her, as much as I would like that not to be the case. It's not about being childish or needlessly spiteful. I really would find it a bit unbearable. I think if the dads new partner isn't bothered and wasn't expecting to be invited anyway then don't invite her. Your dad can come alone or bring a friend or as you say sit with your in-laws. He can cope for a day. Your mum might not be able to cope with the alternative.

There's no easy answer here - someone will lose out on the day.

I've been dumped and two timed, pretty shitty to go through. But I also had a best friend 'dump' me, and out of all the men who dumped me our friendship breakup was by far the hardest and worst to get over. It's no lie to tell you that I'm very hesitant about making female friends even now, 20 years on because of the way she ditched me because her boyfriend of the time didn't like me. I can't imagine how much more awful it could have been if she'd betrayed the friendship and destroyed my marriage in the process. Even now when I think of that friend and the way she hurt me, my stomach lurches in a way it never did for the men who two timed me.

I'd like to think that I could suck it up, be fabulous at my child's wedding and be civil to an ex who cheated. After all, the priority is the person we created together. And in some ways, showing your ex you living your best life and all that could be quite nice for the ego.

I would want to be civil to ex friend in a situation like this but oh, honestly with the best will in the world, I don't know that I could. It's like, you know the odds on your partner leaving you for an OW might be high statistically or a relationship not working out, but a best friend fucking you over is just not something you expect or ever assume you'll have to face really.

The most diplomatic outcome is that your dad insists to you that he's happy to attend alone or to bring a friend rather than his wife, and that she would also understand that the bridges she burned 10 years ago remain burned.

Wishing you a wonderful wedding day, which ever way it turns out for you.