Divorced parent drama.

[bubbles123456789]

Excuse the long post but it's hard to explain and I'm not the best with grammar either!
I recently got engaged to my partner and we've been discussing our wedding with family members, I was having a discussion with my mum that I wished for my dad to be at my wedding, for context they've been divorced for 10 years after she found out he'd been having an affair with one of her friends. Me and my dad haven't always had the best relationship due to me being a spiteful teenager and taking my anger out on him and his partner about the divorce. We hardly saw each other when I was teenager due to me refusing to see him. I know he was wrong for having the affair but he's still my dad and I've chose to finally have a relationship with him, over the last 2 years we've become close and I see him regularly as well as his partner- the same women who was once my mums friend. I mentioned I would be inviting him and his partner to the wedding as I'll be having a small wedding and will not be inviting anyone else from my fathers side and can't stand the thought of my dad sitting alone at my wedding as I know none of my family will speak to him! She's thrown a massive hissy fit and had told me she won't come to my wedding if dads partner is invited and that I shouldn't bother to send her an invite. I'm now stuck in a dilemma as me and my mum have always been close, I see her 3-4 times a week and she has my children to sleep over regularly. What would you do? Invite mum and have dad sitting alone which would break my heart or not invite mum which would also break my heart not having her at my wedding.
Sorry for the long rambling post but I can't sleep as it keeps going round in my head of what I should do!

@madisonbridges

No one knows what goes on in a marriage other than two people. And even they will have different accounts. The truth is their marriage ended and both have moved on with their present partners. You have established a relationship with your father now and get on with his partner. No matter how hurt she is, and it was a longtime ago, your mother should be pleased that her daughter has a happy relationship with her father and step-mother because that makes her daughter happy. She doesn't have to be friendly, but she should respect your wishes on such an important day.

This, all that matters is you. Their child. There is nothing I wouldn't put up with for one day if it brought happiness to my child. What happened to your mum was awful but if you allow her to call the shots on your wedding day and future events will be the same.

[quote NotebookVsDiaries]@bubbles123456789 It sounds like a horrible position to be in you're stuck between your parents. Your mum has let her bitterness take over her relationship with you. My dm had an affair with df best friend and my df has never gotten over it and still hates her. It was over 20 years ago and it makes me feel so awkward when I hear that side making digs ect. I literally don't give a shit what my mum did, their relationship wasn't my business and as a child I should never have been told those things about my mum.

I don't think you should uninvite step mum. I think right now say nothing to no one and get some counselling. Relationships break up for numbers of reasons and if we're honest affairs are often symptoms of relationship issues underlying. I say that as someone who was cheated on when I had small dc. Your mum is wallowing being the victim in this when the only victim 10 years on in this is YOU OP![/quote]
I agree entirely.

No wonder there are so many bloody toxic families when so many of the replies here are so focused on the OP’s responsibility to share her mother’s perspective and to be almost apologetic for trying to have a relationship with her father and his partner.

You seem very pro your dad. He's big enough to lie and cheat on your mum, break the marriage, cause you to have a disrupted home life.... I think he's big enough to sit on his own for a few hours
Sad his partner doesn't do the decent thing and back out without these mental gymnastics THEY are putting her you though. It seems like you dad and his partner are the ones causing the drama by not putting their feelings aside. But then they showed everyone what they were 10 years ago didn't they.

It’s not your day though. It doesn’t matter if you enjoy it; you plaster on a smile and put your daughter first.

Of course it wouldn't be my day, but I am a daughter as well as a mother, and as such, if I put myself in OP's situation I think it's important to try understand the mum's motivation/upset. I'd care about my mum's feelings (and it sounds like OP does too) and it would upset me, and mar my day (as I said in my first post) to think that she was feeling hurt and anxious.

OP is asking for help to find the fairest/best outcome, and she's young. If you haven't been through a deeply hurtful and devastating breakup it's hard to understand why 10 years later feelings can still be very strong.

I've been at a few weddings where this has been a theme.

1. Mother of bride had cats bum face all day despite daughter bending over backwards to change seating plans etc and father of bride making lovely speech which included her and didn't mention his OW/wife. She looked a bit silly in the end as she was biting the head off of anyone there who went near her, and that seemed more important than being there on her daughter's big day. She got remarried first, by the way, and her new DH was there. It was bloody awful, she almost made me cry she was so nasty to me and I only said hello to her.

1. One where both bride and groom's parents were divorced and remarried, unamicably (again one father had left wife for wife's best friend) They were all sat down and firmly told if they couldn't be nice then not to come, they had the 4 tables in the corners of the room and B&G were in the middle. All behaved, and B&G enjoyed the day.

1. One where the father of the groom was married to the mother of the bride - and each had left their spouses to do so after conducting years' long affairs behind everyone's backs - they had all been friends. All put their differences aside - just on the day! Hostilities resumed afterwards but the truce on the day was remarkable.

I hope you can work something out with your mother.

The OP is not pro either parent.

This thinking is exactly the problem. She should not have to choose between her parents and tiptoe around because one of other will throw a tantrum and refuse to be there.

She just wants to invite both her parents and their partners to her wedding and that not to be a drama at all. It shouldn’t be. It should be utterly unremarkable and the focus should be on her fiancé and her making promises to each other and building a future. That’s totally reasonable.

Honestly, all of the mothers on this thread who cannot separate the breakdown of their relationship and their feelings about it from their children’s relationship with their father need to sort themselves out. It should not be their problem.

It’s not a ‘loyalty issue’. No parent should be encouraging these toxic loyalty binds in their children.

Fucking hell I don't blame your mum at all.

The woman who used to be her friend and had an affair with her husband being there?

I wouldn't go either. Your mum must be gutted you've even invited her

My friend was in a similar situation. What we did as her friends was completely involve her mum on the day around us. As soon as she arrived so she felt true ‘mother of the bride’ attention and didn’t have the time to think about father and his partner (who he had left her mum for some 20+ for). Have you any close friends you could trust with this? She was
Older so didn’t have bridesmaid but effectively we were hers and this was our ‘duty’ on the day. It worked really well and it was only a small wedding of 40-50 guests. I agree with other posters that it’s your day. Sit you mum down and tell her how much you love her, but your dad and his partner are also apart of your life. No family is perfect xx

Op stop being self centred and put your mum first. Yes it’s your wedding day but your mother looked after you for years and out you first. Your wedding day is just one day.

Put you first not out you first I mean.

My ex did the same - ran off with so called 'best friend'. I have always maintained that when my children marry, their weddings should be as THEY want them, not me. When it came to my daughter's wedding, she was no longer speaking to her father - purely because of the way he had treated her over the years. However. If she had invited him, I would have given my blessing and would have acted - and it would have been an act - polite and friendly toward him on the day. If she had invited the OW, I wouldn't have said anything to my daughter; she is my world and I wouldn't have upset her. But it would have totally ruined the day for me. I would have tried my best not to let it show but it would have been quite humiliating and made me feel anxious and ill for her to be there. So whilst I don't agree with your mum making things difficult for you like this, I fully understand her feelings about the OW whether she has a new partner or not. My vote would be the OW got what she wanted already - she needs to back off for this one day.

@CookieDoughKid

Op stop being self centred and put your mum first. Yes it’s your wedding day but your mother looked after you for years and out you first. Your wedding day is just one day.

Seriously???

Put your mum first. Her feelings are the single most important thing about you getting married. 🤯

My husband had an affair with my best friend. He stayed close to DC so they were both at DD’s wedding. The top table was a challenge as my son in law’s parents didn’t speak English and needed to sit by their son and the best man so they could translate. I nearly ended up sat next to ex BFF ! In the end I sat at the end of the table and my partner between us . My friends were horrified I was on the end but I didn’t want to sit next to either of them and I did it for my daughter . Your mum may be hurt but she needs to be an adult for one day. What happens if you have children and there are other events like christenings in the future ?

Sorry but I would invite just who you want to invite and ignore the criticisms from your mum.

Any parent who can't act like a grown up for one day because of something that happened 10yrs ago doesn't deserve to be there. Ridiculously childish behaviour on a daughters wedding day.

@bubbles123456789

I should add my mother is a very stubborn women and would actually miss my wedding if I do invite my dads partner and she can't put her feelings aside!

Why did you invite your fathers wife in the first place then?

Be easy on your mum, she was betrayed by both her husband and friend, 2 people on whom she should have been able to trust and rely on the most. That hurt and humiliation will never leave her. Your dad partner should step aside and let your attend on his own. I agree with your mum 100% and whilst it was 10 years ago your dad and partner should have seen this coming. You need to tell them both and then let your dad decide if he will come on his own. Your mum sounds like she is very involved in your life and picked up the pieces when your dad cleared off.

Honestly, all of the mothers on this thread who cannot separate the breakdown of their relationship and their feelings about it from their children’s relationship with their father need to sort themselves out. It should not be their problem.

There is no suggestion here that OP's mum has made any attempts to impact her child's relationship with her father. From what I understand it's the being in the presence of the OW (her ex friend who also betrayed her) that she is upset about.

Being in the presence of your ex at your child's wedding? It would be very unreasonable of the mum to take issue with this.

Being in the presence of your previous trusted friend who 'stole' the ex (yes he was more to blame than she but this is how it feels). This is another thing entirely.

I can understand why this would be extremely painful tbh.

If your father had the balls to have an affair with your mother’s friend behind her back he will have the balls to sit at a wedding in his own.
If your fathers new partner had an affair with her friends husband she should be prepared not to be invited to family events that the woman she so badly betrayed is in attendance.
It sounds like your mother does a lot for you, you have let her down badly by even suggesting this, please start showing her the respect your father and her friend never have.
Would you like your children to one day put you in the same room as the two people who betrayed you the most in the world???
If you do to people what your father and partner did to your mother you should be prepared to miss out on certain events!
You have caused your mother unbelievable pain by opening this old wound start making it up to her!
I hope your fiancé never cheats and you, I hope that if he does its never with your friend and I hope that if this happens when you show your grief about it no matter how long ago it was one of your children never describes it as a ‘hissy fit’
I have never been in this situation myself but your lack of empathy in your post for your mother disgusted me!

I suppose her mum could just plaster on a big, fake smile and pretend she's having a lovely time whilst trying not to look in their direction or see them together for fear of dredging up all of those feelings and memories.

But I wouldn't want my mum to pretend anything for me. I'd want my wedding day to be a day of joy, happiness and pride for her. I'd invite my dad for obvious reasons and expect him to live without his dp for a day. That's the path to meting out the least hurt to everyone involved imo.

She'll more than happily sit with my dad but won't be near his partner since she's a backstabber apparently for once being her friend and having the affair with my dadd

Well, she has a point about her ex friend, doesn't she? As much as you think she should put up with being in the same room with your father's partner for a few hours, I'm sure your father can put up with just having your in-laws to talk to for a few hours. It was him who precipitated this situation, after all.

@CookieDoughKid

Op stop being self centred and put your mum first. Yes it’s your wedding day but your mother looked after you for years and out you first. Your wedding day is just one day.

If it’s just one day the mum can get on with it for that one day. Assuming OP is paying for the wedding, the food , she can have who she wants

This happened in my family too. My uncle left his wife and children for his wife's friend and are still together now.

They'd barely seen each other until their eldest daughter got married and I think everyone was worried about it.

The wedding was actually fine, they all put everything aside for the sake of their daughter and I think it's important that they did.
Yes dad and his partner both did a terrible thing and I'd find that hard too but no-one is expecting forgiveness and friendship. All you are asking is that they politely ignore each other or be civil if they really have to.

This wouldn't be the only time they might be in a room together.

There were two other children who might have weddings. Then possibly christenings, birthday parties etc for years to come.

It would have been horrible to have to keep everyone separate for ever.

In your shoes @bubbles123456789 I would keep discussing it with your mum as you do have time to sort this out. She needs to think about you and your feelings.
I might give dad the heads up that it might not be possible to have his partner there though.

Try and relax (no advise on what to do as I really can see both sides) BUT my half sister was scared about our dad going to her wedding as he is seen as the big bad wolf by a lot of her mums family he ended up arm in arm swinging round the dance floor with the father of the groom swigging bubbles (much to everyone’s amusement) and everyone was amicable.
He didn’t have a partner with him he just “joined up” with the in laws and had a laugh. Try not to worry too much people crack on.

It was for the same reasons and to avoid all the family dramas that DH got married abroad with just our DCs present. We celebrated separately with different family groups on our return. Best decision ever.

I am in agreement with @twominutesmore and think he should come alone or bring a friend. Glad you've now decided to do this but, I don't think you should resent your mum for asking this of you.

He deeply betrayed her, and so did her ex-friend. Even though it was years ago, seeing them together on your wedding day will bring back all her heartbreak and abandonment of her (and you actually). They broke up her marriage and a wedding is all about marriage.