To leave a 16 1/2 year old alone for a week to go on holiday?

[sweetkitty]

161/2 yo DD2 is very high functioning autistic hates being social, hates leaving the house, hates the sun, hates going on holiday so a week in Spain won’t be particularly enjoyable for her. I know she will spend it either in the hotel room or under a parasol in the shade on her iPad moaning about the heat.

We have quite a few animals and the family we usually do our reciprocal animal care during our holidays are being what we see as a wee bit unreasonable this year so in order to be able to go on holiday we have 2 options

1. DH goes with 2DC in June before the school break up as it’s very cheap then and then I go with the 3 DCs beginning of July DD2 doesn’t go at all but gets to stay behind with a parent each time. Downside is DH and I don’t go together and it’s probable a wee bit more expensive
2. we leave DD2 at home by herself to look after all the pets for a week, she said she would be fine with this as long as there’s food to eat. She said she would love not having the rest of us in the house annoying her!! I feel she’s just a bit too young and would probably worry too much whilst we were away.

I could probably ask a friend to pop in on her every day (she would hate this) but no we don’t have any family that could come stay with her.

@jamandmarmaladethesecondcoming

No it really doesn't Numbertheory

You use rare incidents make a case for treating someone as incapable, vulnerable and unworthy without putting those experiences into the context of risk and reward more generally.

To respond to you with an argument equivalent to your own I could list newspaper stories of girls raped while on holiday with their parents and argue (with as much reason and logic as you have used) that it’s outrageous to suggest taking a girl on holiday.

But I’m not out to prey on people’s fear and try to beat women into making their own lives (or their daughters’) smaller on the back of hyperbole and misplaced anxiety.

@jamandmarmaladethesecondcoming

It's not about the 99% of the time when things don't happen its when they do.

I think you are being obtuse.

A responsible parent would never do what you are suggesting.

@NumberTheory is one of those posters who just keeps going with a nonsensical tangent because they cannot bear to be wrong. Nothing to do with what might be advisable to the family in question.

@sweetbellyhigh Aah I see......... Thank you.

@jamandmarmaladethesecondcoming

It's not about the 99% of the time when things don't happen its when they do.

I think you are being obtuse.

A responsible parent would never do what you are suggesting.

I’m not being at all obtuse. Your argument is that on a very few occasions children have been hurt when they were left alone even though they were quite capable of looking after themselves and so we should not leave children alone (at least, not alone at night, apparently).

So the fact some children have been killed going on holiday with their parents means no child should go on holiday with their parent?

That some children have been killed walking to school means no child should walk to school?

That some children have died playing sport means no child should play sport?

These are all things were the vast majority of the time children are safe. But something could go wrong. So we should not put them in that situation, right? No sensible parent would put them in that situation. Just in case. Right?

This is your argument.

@sweetbellyhigh

Okay, I’ll accept that we have a difference of opinion. I just think that there are some very strange and extremist views being wheeled out. And I would say the fact that you’ve stooped to personal insults about me ‘not learning quickly’ actually shows more about you that me.

I mean Levi Bellfield? Madeline Mcann? How are those relevant? If anything all they do is suggest the girl is safer in the house because neither of them are cases of teenagers being stalked in their home then attacked when their parents go on holiday.

I think people are hyper focusing on the autism here when op has not at any point suggested that her daughter is affected by the autism in a way that would exclude her from being able to cope being left alone. Many autistic teens will be off to uni at 17! I certainly hope mine will at that age and would be bemused to hear someone say that as he’s autistic he won’t be able to.

And the poster who used these examples seems utterly incapable of actually linking them to a 16 and a half year old being in the family home.

It’s also kind of insulting to say someone ‘doesn’t come across as they learn quickly’ because they’re refusing to give in and say ‘okay you must be right.’

Someone can disagree with you without their intelligence being called into question. Personally I think the wild lack of perspective and common sense is much less intelligent.

My parents left me to go to Canada for 3 weeks when i was 16 3/4. A few days before they returned i went on a European holiday with friends for 10 days (obviously my parents knew about this, i didn't just disappear!), so i didn't see my parents for about 4 weeks in all. This was the early 2000s, so we didn't communicate much either during those weeks. Before they left mum gave me cooking lessons, instructions for washer & dryer, etc., and emergency contacts. Tbh, I don't remember much of those weeks, it was all pretty uneventful.

I wouldn't have left my DC alone for a week at 16 whilst I was in another country . I think it would be different if you were holidaying in the UK.

Hi it’s the OP again, I spoke to my friend and told her how stressed I was and we’ve come to a compromise which means we can go on holiday and take DD2 after all, I think DD2 was gutted as she doesn’t want to go. I’ve told her it’s the last year.

The thing is DD1 turns 18 in the Summer and if I had came on here and said I’m leaving DD1 to go on holiday no one would have said anything yet put off the two of them I trust DD2 a lot more, she is far more sensible and mature than DD1. If the two of them were left DD2 would be looking after DD1 the 18 yo NT one.

Some of the posts on here I felt were a bit bonkers but a good debate with half saying leave her and half saying no way, I didn’t like being compared to MM’s parents though. I do think we will go away with just the little two and leave the eldest two for a few days to see how they get on or even DD2 on her own maybe an hour or twos drive away.

I wouldnt leave an autistic child alone for a week at that age. Some teens would be fine. But she might panic if an animal is sick or ill or she starts feeling unwell or burns something she tries to cook or forgets the bath is running and floods the place.

Only you know how much parental input she relies on regularly to keep her feeling safe and routine.

Is there anyone who could move in with her for a week? Grandparents or aunt or uncle?

@hivemindneeded I’m not leaving her now I had decided I wouldn’t go but my friend has decided she will look after the pets now so DD2 can come with us. She doesn’t really require parental input, I think we annoy her more than anything and I’ve never seen her panic about anything.

Sorry OP - crossed posts with you.

No problem just updating. Feel a lot better now it’s all sorted

If something had gone wrong with the 18 year old at home alonewild party gone wrong, etc.people most definitely would have been critical. But good for you for sorting it out.

[quote Kanaloa]@sweetbellyhigh

Okay, I’ll accept that we have a difference of opinion. I just think that there are some very strange and extremist views being wheeled out. And I would say the fact that you’ve stooped to personal insults about me ‘not learning quickly’ actually shows more about you that me.

I mean Levi Bellfield? Madeline Mcann? How are those relevant? If anything all they do is suggest the girl is safer in the house because neither of them are cases of teenagers being stalked in their home then attacked when their parents go on holiday.

I think people are hyper focusing on the autism here when op has not at any point suggested that her daughter is affected by the autism in a way that would exclude her from being able to cope being left alone. Many autistic teens will be off to uni at 17! I certainly hope mine will at that age and would be bemused to hear someone say that as he’s autistic he won’t be able to.

And the poster who used these examples seems utterly incapable of actually linking them to a 16 and a half year old being in the family home.[/quote]
I think you have confused me with another poster. I have not mentioned Levi Bellfield or autism.

[quote Kanaloa]@sweetbellyhigh

No, my eldest (who I do leave alone although not overnight) is 11. When I was 16 myself I lived alone with him as a baby! The idea that a 16 and a half year old (who the mother says is entirely sensible) is incapable is laughable to me.[/quote]
Interesting response.

Are you really suggesting that all 16yos are the same? Surely not...

My parents left me to look after the house and pets at the same age as I was very quiet, mature and sensible. I only had a few equally demure friends.
I threw a massive party, things got wrecked, neighbours pissed off, money stolen.
At least the animals survived unharmed.
So based on me - No fucking way

My parents left me for a long weekend at that age to attend a family wedding (I was doing my GCSEs at the time, so couldn't go).

Honestly, I hated every minute of it. I heard every single little noise the house made, that I'd never noticed before, and I was scared of everything.

I could easily leave DS 16 home alone for a week and even DD 14 for that matter

@sweetbellyhigh

Of course I’m not suggesting all 16 year olds are the same. I’m suggesting that a sensible 16 year old (which op says her child is) should be perfectly capable of being left along for a week.

Fuck that.
My parents went on holiday alone when I was 16, my older brothers 18 & 19 were left at home and I was packed of to my grandparents for the week. No way would I trust our 16 year old alone overnight let alone a whole week.

We left our 15 and just turned 17 year old boys at home for a week whilst we went on holiday. It was absolutely fine, they really enjoyed it and we kept it touch with them throughout. The eldest particularly enjoyed cooking for them both and kept sending us videos of himself doing so.

No parties were had. We drummed it into them that if there was any trouble like that, then we would not leave them again.

I'm glad you've sorted your situation out OP.

is she claiming dla/pip?
are either parent receiving carers allowance/carers credit?

im asking as if so then your not supposed to as they need care and your getting paid for that and the child received their money because they have disabilities and need care off the adults around them.(paid or not)

if they are capable of staying at home alone for that amount of time then the dla/pip award is awarded wrongly or can be taken away

im saying all of the above as i know of some one it happened to in 2019 and the fact im a mother to 2 disabled sons for the last 17 years

friends son was 20 at the time and receiving basic pip and mum carers allowance and carers credit on uc. he was the reason she was exempt from work as she was his full time carer.
mum went away and took 2 youngest with them and left oldest there for a week thinking all will be ok as the neighbours are keeping an eye. mum was a single parent
a kitchen fire broke out in the middle of the night as he left the grill on and went to sleep .
fire engines and police turned up put it out and mum had to leave holidays after 2 days in the middle of the night and drag 2 children(6,8 at the time)on a 3 hour journey home(they went to England so not abroad)as son was in the police station(under care not arrested)and they had a call to come back.

after a week adult social services turned up and investigated why a vulnerable adult was left alone and long story short because of what social services did and who they rang he had his pip stopped and all the other benefits that came with it and she got in to some trouble off the law by leaving a vulnerable adult that she was being paid to care for(the fact she was his mother was irreverent)

also as a mother to 2(kids are 17 and 11) with numerous disabilities each theres is no way this would be acceptable to me.i wont even leave the oldest alone to go shopping(im a single mother )let alone a holiday and overnight

every one is writing oh it was ok for me at 15/16 in the 80s and 90s but they dont have a disabled kid so most parents dont understand that their brains function differently to the average teenager. High functioning asd or not

even high function asd(Asperger's in old terms)their brains are wired/grown differently(before anyone calls me out on this google it) and u dont know how well they would cope with a situation let alone a emergency

You say she's sensible
but would spend the entire time on her xbox
and would need to be phoned to be reminded to feed pets
I trust she's old enough to know what to do in an emergency
or not start house fires
But I wouldn't say she's responsible enough to be left to her own devices for a week
At her age though transitioning should really be happening