To leave a 16 1/2 year old alone for a week to go on holiday?

[sweetkitty]

161/2 yo DD2 is very high functioning autistic hates being social, hates leaving the house, hates the sun, hates going on holiday so a week in Spain won’t be particularly enjoyable for her. I know she will spend it either in the hotel room or under a parasol in the shade on her iPad moaning about the heat.

We have quite a few animals and the family we usually do our reciprocal animal care during our holidays are being what we see as a wee bit unreasonable this year so in order to be able to go on holiday we have 2 options

1. DH goes with 2DC in June before the school break up as it’s very cheap then and then I go with the 3 DCs beginning of July DD2 doesn’t go at all but gets to stay behind with a parent each time. Downside is DH and I don’t go together and it’s probable a wee bit more expensive
2. we leave DD2 at home by herself to look after all the pets for a week, she said she would be fine with this as long as there’s food to eat. She said she would love not having the rest of us in the house annoying her!! I feel she’s just a bit too young and would probably worry too much whilst we were away.

I could probably ask a friend to pop in on her every day (she would hate this) but no we don’t have any family that could come stay with her.

So I spoke to DD2 again today and asked her done question like what would happen if for instance one of the pets took unwell - she said she would phone the vets and get a taxi over, I could speak to the vet on the phone and give them my credit card details, she knows the out of hours in an emergency vet as well
What if she woke at 2am hearing a noise and thought we were being burgled - the dog would bark then she’d phone the police and anyway she has her manga swords

When I say she has autism she hasn’t been formally diagnosed still waiting on a CAHMs appointment but between myself (SEN teacher, the SEN coordinator at school, some of her teachers and DD2 herself we all think she is definitely on the spectrum), on of the girls who had been masking it for years. Her problems are social, this was the point I was trying to make in that going on holiday is harder for her than being at home.

I’m super stressed and anxious about it just now and don’t think I could relax fully knowing she’s at home on her own. I’m also upset at my friend who is kind of forcing this issue in the first place. Each year we arrange our holidays around each other so we can look after each other’s pets. The kind of best time to go price wise of beginning of July so we take it in turns who gets to choose that time, 2019 we went 2nd-7th July then they went for 2 weeks. 2020 we had booked 2 weeks away but not until the 21st July because it wasn’t our turn, of course it was all cancelled, we went nowhere they ended up going on a UK holiday for 2 weeks all good, last year they went abroad for 2 weeks start of July we went UK for 4 days in August, we did want to go away in Oct but couldn’t because they were planning too. So this year we want to go start of July but so do they as their DC also want to go to a camp. If we wait until the date they want us to go it’s £1700 more. I just think they are being a bit unfair as it should be our turn to go early and we only usually go for a week anyway and put kids deserve a holiday too.

@camperqueen54 i have a family member on the spectrum who is very capable of driving, using a computer, shopping and they are their 40s and despite being very capable would still be very vulnerable to other people who are ready to take advantage. They live at home and holidays only with family members. OP's daughter may well be very capable when able but not when something over whelms her that is beyond her control.

OP's daughter might have a scammer call at the door or a break in or a fire or a pipe burst?

Autism and being 16 and a half is far too young to be left for a whole week. For her daughter's sake OP would be kinder to wait another 2 years than the permanent regret of leaving her on her own for a whole week.

@sweetkitty

So I spoke to DD2 again today and asked her done question like what would happen if for instance one of the pets took unwell - she said she would phone the vets and get a taxi over, I could speak to the vet on the phone and give them my credit card details, she knows the out of hours in an emergency vet as well What if she woke at 2am hearing a noise and thought we were being burgled - the dog would bark then she’d phone the police and anyway she has her manga swords

When I say she has autism she hasn’t been formally diagnosed still waiting on a CAHMs appointment but between myself (SEN teacher, the SEN coordinator at school, some of her teachers and DD2 herself we all think she is definitely on the spectrum), on of the girls who had been masking it for years. Her problems are social, this was the point I was trying to make in that going on holiday is harder for her than being at home.

I’m super stressed and anxious about it just now and don’t think I could relax fully knowing she’s at home on her own. I’m also upset at my friend who is kind of forcing this issue in the first place. Each year we arrange our holidays around each other so we can look after each other’s pets. The kind of best time to go price wise of beginning of July so we take it in turns who gets to choose that time, 2019 we went 2nd-7th July then they went for 2 weeks. 2020 we had booked 2 weeks away but not until the 21st July because it wasn’t our turn, of course it was all cancelled, we went nowhere they ended up going on a UK holiday for 2 weeks all good, last year they went abroad for 2 weeks start of July we went UK for 4 days in August, we did want to go away in Oct but couldn’t because they were planning too. So this year we want to go start of July but so do they as their DC also want to go to a camp. If we wait until the date they want us to go it’s £1700 more. I just think they are being a bit unfair as it should be our turn to go early and we only usually go for a week anyway and put kids deserve a holiday too.

@sweetkitty - That's quite a dripfeed - Autism not diagnosed officially.

Depends whom is more important to you really doesn't it? Your friend is not your friend and is being very cavalier with how they treat your child - very easy for them to say they don't have to live woth the consequences if something goes wrong. I can't believe you are allowing them to steamroller you.

You are putting your daughter's welfare below your friends holiday/pet sitting needs?

I’m super stressed and anxious about it just now and don’t think I could relax fully knowing she’s at home on her own.

But why? This looks like a great opportunity for her to develop her independence some more. She's at an age that isn't inappropriate. She seems to have thought about emergencies and has some sensible ideas about what to do (Manga swords aside!).

What is it you think makes it inappropriate for you to leave her? Because it sounds a bit like you are letting your own anxieties interfere with her development. You're supposed to be bringing her up to be an adult, not just shielding her from everything her until she stomps off, frustrated and without the foundation she needs to be independent.

[quote jamandmarmaladethesecondcoming]@camperqueen54 i have a family member on the spectrum who is very capable of driving, using a computer, shopping and they are their 40s and despite being very capable would still be very vulnerable to other people who are ready to take advantage. They live at home and holidays only with family members. OP's daughter may well be very capable when able but not when something over whelms her that is beyond her control.

OP's daughter might have a scammer call at the door or a break in or a fire or a pipe burst?

Autism and being 16 and a half is far too young to be left for a whole week. For her daughter's sake OP would be kinder to wait another 2 years than the permanent regret of leaving her on her own for a whole week.[/quote]
Okay well I know someone who is autistic and is head of a company, works best alone, extremely sharp and could easily travel the world alone, so this girl will be fine.

The autism only matters insofar as how it affects THIS PERSON. Just because your friend/neighbour/second cousin is autistic and couldn’t have stayed alone at almost 17 that has absolutely no bearing on this girl. Otherwise we may as well say ‘oh well my friend’s son is autistic and lives in sheltered housing and could never live independently so nobody with autism can.’

This particular girl is sensible and confident. Her autism does not seem to affect her critical thinking from what op has said of her, and judging by her responses to how she would handle emergencies she sounds a sensible sort.

Where does it end? In a year will her mum go to uni with her in case there’s a fire? Will she be allowed to move abroad and be an aupair as many girls of that age choose to do?

Of course if op doesn’t want to, she doesn’t want to, but the idea that a 16 and a half year old can’t possibly be left alone in case of a scammer/fire/flood/attack of the lizard people is utterly infantilising.

@Kanaloa

Okay well I know someone who is autistic and is head of a company, works best alone, extremely sharp and could easily travel the world alone, so this girl will be fine

this completely undermines your own point....

Of course if op doesn’t want to, she doesn’t want to, but the idea that a 16 and a half year old can’t possibly be left alone in case of a scammer/fire/flood/attack of the lizard people is utterly infantilising

but she is still a child until 18..... it is irresponsible.

It doesn’t undermine my point, it was sarcasm. I was saying that the ‘oh my x has autism so autistic people can’t xyz’ is reductive and insulting.

And honestly she may be under 18 but she’s a teenager/young adult. Do you think these people will suddenly grow independence and capability at age 18 with no practice? There’s people on here saying they wouldn’t leave late teens/young adults/18 year olds alone.

It’s just a bit silly to be honest to say it’s irresponsible to leave a girl of 16 and a half alone in the family home as she’s ‘still a child.’

I am just wondering how many people on here saying they wouldn't leave a high functioning ( yes autistic ) 16 nearly 17 year old alone actually have older children? It's hard to imagine doing that when you only have young children. However, you have to that's how kids grow and learn.

I'm also a personal supervisor in university and it's giving me a real insight into why some indeed more and more of the 18 year olds seem incapable of organising themselves or dealing with the smallest issues. Urghh!

@Kanaloa

It doesn’t undermine my point, it was sarcasm. I was saying that the ‘oh my x has autism so autistic people can’t xyz’ is reductive and insulting.

And honestly she may be under 18 but she’s a teenager/young adult. Do you think these people will suddenly grow independence and capability at age 18 with no practice? There’s people on here saying they wouldn’t leave late teens/young adults/18 year olds alone.

It’s just a bit silly to be honest to say it’s irresponsible to leave a girl of 16 and a half alone in the family home as she’s ‘still a child.’

You are missing the point.

It is not her who is the risk.

It is the risk of other unscrupulous people who would take advantage of knowing that a 16 year old girl is left alone in the property whilst her family are out of the country.....

The police would want to know why OP and the rest of the family had left their child alone in the property while they are abroad...

The point is that she under the legal age of 18, is vulnerable to the prey of other people who may break in and know that the rest of the family have left her alone.

All it takes is a social media photo of family on holiday or someone watching the property waiting for OP to leave....waiting for when OP's daughter turns the lights off at night, or puts the dustbins out etc.

My mum left me for a week to go on holiday about a week after my 17th birthday. We lived in a high rise flat, with security entrance - not sure how she would have felt if we'd been living in a house. I was as happy as a clam.

Someone may have mentioned this and I've missed it - my concern would not be about your daughter per se but the overall situation at the moment. I have a couple of relatives who went abroad on sun holidays recently (admittedly not to Spain) and got caught out by PCR tests, etc. In one case they were forced to overstay their welcome in the host country by two weeks.

So if something like that happened, or new restrictions were brought in, you could end up being away for longer than anticipated. What's the longest you would be comfortable leaving your daughter alone for?

Yes, i also said this upthread - what if she develops symptoms of Covid?

I wouldn't. I am reminded of the case of a 16yo who stayed home while her family was away. Her best friend's uncle heard she was home alone, broke in, raped and murdered her.

I know it's highly unlikely but she is young, she is vulnerable and the whole thing about being vulnerable is having little awareness of just what can go wrong.

@sweetbellyhigh

I wouldn't. I am reminded of the case of a 16yo who stayed home while her family was away. Her best friend's uncle heard she was home alone, broke in, raped and murdered her.

I know it's highly unlikely but she is young, she is vulnerable and the whole thing about being vulnerable is having little awareness of just what can go wrong.

exactly.

I would leave her. She sounds reliable and capable of dealing with most problems which may arise. She will never be 100% ready for everything that can come her way until she gains experience of relying on herself, so waiting until she is older will just keep her less-capable for longer. Let her step up to the challenge. As long as she has people she can phone in an emergency, she'll be okay.

You said you have a friend who could pop round - I wouldn't bother with that as a matter of routine (you say your daughter absolutely isn't the type to have parties etc, so you don't need to "check up" on her). But it would be reassuring to know that the friend is available if your daughter has an emergency and wants help.

The point is that she under the legal age of 18, is vulnerable to the prey of other people who may break in and know that the rest of the family have left her alone.

WTF?! Vulnerable prey to other people who may break in because they know the rest of the family have left her alone? Someone watching the property waiting for op to leave? Life isn’t a TV show. This sort of thing just isn’t an out of the blue risk of any significance.

If OP’s daughter has problems with being scammed or targeted by others it might be worth some consideration. But OP hasn’t mentioned a single thing about her DD so far that points to her being vulnerable in this way (or any way, actually).

Also, 16 is a “legal” age. There is no law stopping you leaving your children home alone for a week just because they aren’t 18. Plenty of 16 year old children can cope for a week just fine and do.

I think the key thing here is that you're clearly not comfortable about it OP, and I doubt you would be able to enjoy your holiday at all if you did this, you'd be worrying the whole time about your daughter.

I'm sorry about the situation with your friend. I hope you can find another solution.

@NumberTheory have you read the post from sweetbellyhigh

<strong>sweetbellyhigh</strong>

I wouldn't. I am reminded of the case of a 16yo who stayed home while her family was away. Her best friend's uncle heard she was home alone, broke in, raped and murdered her.

I know it's highly unlikely but she is young, she is vulnerable and the whole thing about being vulnerable is having little awareness of just what can go wrong

I think I would have been fine alone for a week at 16, and my best friend at the time was already living on her own in a bedsit having been kicked out of her family home. I have a 15 year old and I can't imagine her being ready in a year though... it's so individual.

You know your daughter best. What might not be apparent is the fear she might experience at night when she's alone in the house. I remember being left at home alone at that age (16.and a half) I was working full time then as well. But I used to be quite scared at night, although I still get spooked when home alone when DH goes away for a few days.
Other than questioning if she might feel afraid overnight, I'd not be worried.

Instinctively I would say not however NT DD at 16.5 did a week with just her older brother who was also away for 2 or 3 nights and then 2 weeks completely alone at just turned 17 as it was the least bad option in the circumstances at the time. Great neighbours who could keep a very close eye, me checking in everyday with long video calls, local family ready to jump in if needed or wanted.

To a degree this sounds like it comes down to money. Paying for someone to go away and spend all their time in a hotel room because they don't want to go away. If it is as simple as that I would just accept that for one last year you have to spend the additional money to take DD away and have her stay in the room if that's what she chooses to do. However If her going away is going to cause huge levels of anxiety or other issues then maybe the alternative of leaving her home is the better one. There are many nuances to the situation and only you can really decide on what's best.

I think the suggestion that the dd must be allowed to do this to give her a chance of learning skills towards independence is absurd. Of course teenagers need to gradually learn these and most will push to do so, but just because there is this opportunity that has arisen as it suits the family to have someone to look after their pets (as the friends who have previously aren't playing ball) doesn't make it definitely the right thing to do. The focus should be on this situation, not whether or not the daughter needs these experiences. Staying away or at home alone could be organised at other times and in other ways more suited to the actual child's needs and in a way that her parents feel is safe.

Of course any 16 yo can say they'd phone the vet etc. The trouble with emergencies is they rarely turn out to be what you have planned for and at times that are easy to deal with. And it's very hard to envisage the emotions they might cause - has no one ever helped someone in a crisis who is in a state of panic? What if the girl panics?

OP since you have doubts, best advice is don't do it. It could be absolutely fine but it might not and the mention of manga swords would give me pause for thought.

Also 16 yo are not considered grown ups and social care still intervene at that age if there are safeguarding concerns - not saying there are in this case, just that that is how society views 16 year olds - potentially in need of protection from adults.

I could but I wouldn't

@jamandmarmaladethesecondcoming

Yes, i also said this upthread - what if she develops symptoms of Covid?

She phones mum and says ‘mum I’ve got a cough, I’m feeling rubbish!’ Mum says ‘okay darling do you need a doctor or just plenty of rest and hot drinks?’

Men known to the family breaking in because they’ve watched the family and waited to get the girl alone which will of course not be a problem in 18 months? Robbers waiting for her to take the bins out because they’ve stalked mum’s Facebook page and seen a picture of them on holiday that only she isn’t in and have somehow figured out that she’s home alone?

It’s honestly absurd. Some of the wild situations people come up with are so so unlikely that they’re not worth worrying about. And to be honest being attacked in your home isn’t something that you’re somehow more equipped to deal with at 18 than at sixteen and a half.

@kanaloa

Do you actually have a 16yo?