To leave a 16 1/2 year old alone for a week to go on holiday?

[sweetkitty]

161/2 yo DD2 is very high functioning autistic hates being social, hates leaving the house, hates the sun, hates going on holiday so a week in Spain won’t be particularly enjoyable for her. I know she will spend it either in the hotel room or under a parasol in the shade on her iPad moaning about the heat.

We have quite a few animals and the family we usually do our reciprocal animal care during our holidays are being what we see as a wee bit unreasonable this year so in order to be able to go on holiday we have 2 options

1. DH goes with 2DC in June before the school break up as it’s very cheap then and then I go with the 3 DCs beginning of July DD2 doesn’t go at all but gets to stay behind with a parent each time. Downside is DH and I don’t go together and it’s probable a wee bit more expensive
2. we leave DD2 at home by herself to look after all the pets for a week, she said she would be fine with this as long as there’s food to eat. She said she would love not having the rest of us in the house annoying her!! I feel she’s just a bit too young and would probably worry too much whilst we were away.

I could probably ask a friend to pop in on her every day (she would hate this) but no we don’t have any family that could come stay with her.

[quote jamandmarmaladethesecondcoming]**@NumberTheory* have you read the post from sweetbellyhigh*

<strong>sweetbellyhigh</strong>

I wouldn't. I am reminded of the case of a 16yo who stayed home while her family was away. Her best friend's uncle heard she was home alone, broke in, raped and murdered her.

I know it's highly unlikely but she is young, she is vulnerable and the whole thing about being vulnerable is having little awareness of just what can go wrong[/quote]
This could happen if you left her to go out to the supermarket, or to work during school holidays. It could happen when she’s 18, or 20 or 30. It could happen if she was NT. It could happen if she was incredibly inexperienced or worldly wise.

Every woman is vulnerable to this. It doesn’t mean it’s unreasonable for us to be on our own.

@NumberTheory

It really isn't.

Knowing a young person is going to be alone for a few days, knowing where they live, having the familiarity with her... these are the factors that make it high risk.

It's a continuation of the spectrum of sex offenders in that most girls are assaulted by someone known to them, and usually a trusted person.

Randomness is much rarer.

Poo poo it all you like but these are the facts.

At 16 I went to benidorm on holiday with my then boyfriend (also 16) and regularly housesat for friends and family.
As long as she can navigate cooking for herself and wouldn't leave doors unlocked and (most important) has an in case of emergency contact in the same town I would leave my 16yr old at home if it was her preference

[quote sweetbellyhigh]@NumberTheory

It really isn't.

Knowing a young person is going to be alone for a few days, knowing where they live, having the familiarity with her... these are the factors that make it high risk.

It's a continuation of the spectrum of sex offenders in that most girls are assaulted by someone known to them, and usually a trusted person.

Randomness is much rarer.

Poo poo it all you like but these are the facts.[/quote]
Most people are raped by someone they know and these crimes are generally fairly opportunistic. Knowing someone is alone for a few days might be that opportunity for one person, but knowing they are alone for an afternoon (which will likely happen far more often) will be the opportunity for another.

Even more of a risk than being alone is being with a male relative or a male friend, or, especially, a boyfriend without anyone else there.

But that doesn’t make it unreasonable for a 16 year old to be left on their own or to visit a male relative or to have a boyfriend.

@Kanaloa @NumberTheory

of course it could happen when she is 18

but at 16 she is not 18 and the police would be asking 'why did you leave child with needs alone to go abroad?'

As for scenarios about someone casing the joint, do you not read he news?

Do you care about their welfare beyond the point 'they'll be fine, it'll do them good to learn'

Levi Bellfield pounced on Milly Dowler
Fred West and Rose West targeted teenage girls
Madelaine McCann was left alone and never found

Could you really live with yourself explaining to a police officer why you left an under 18 year old alone (who is awaiting assessment for an autism diagnosis) because you were out of the country on holiday?

@sweetbellyhigh

No, my eldest (who I do leave alone although not overnight) is 11. When I was 16 myself I lived alone with him as a baby! The idea that a 16 and a half year old (who the mother says is entirely sensible) is incapable is laughable to me.

*Do you care about their welfare beyond the point 'they'll be fine, it'll do them good to learn'

Levi Bellfield pounced on Milly Dowler
Fred West and Rose West targeted teenage girls
Madelaine McCann was left alone and never found*

Levi Bellfield and the Wests did not attack girls in their homes while their parents were away on holiday, they attacked or victimised girls on the streets. So unless this girl is never allowed out of the house she’d be just as likely to fall victim to these people as Milly Dowler, who I believe was walking home from school.

Madeleine McCann was a three year old left alone with two baby siblings.

These cases are utterly random and don’t compare or make any sense as a reason not to leave a girl of sixteen in the family home.

I stayed at home for two weeks at sixteen, because my parents wanted to go on a beach holiday abroad and hot weather makes me feel ill. I chose to be at home. It was fine.

The only mistake I made was agreeing to look after a neighbour's dog, as they were away, too. The dog barked at every sound it heard outside, and had me terrified the whole time.

Kanaloa Living at 16 alone with a baby (a situation that was not a choice) is not the same for the OP's daughter who lives with her own family and is being assessed for Autism. There is a choice in the second scenario. The two scenarios don't compare.

[quote jamandmarmaladethesecondcoming]**@Kanaloa* @NumberTheory*

of course it could happen when she is 18

but at 16 she is not 18 and the police would be asking 'why did you leave child with needs alone to go abroad?'

As for scenarios about someone casing the joint, do you not read he news?

Do you care about their welfare beyond the point 'they'll be fine, it'll do them good to learn'

Levi Bellfield pounced on Milly Dowler
Fred West and Rose West targeted teenage girls
Madelaine McCann was left alone and never found

Could you really live with yourself explaining to a police officer why you left an under 18 year old alone (who is awaiting assessment for an autism diagnosis) because you were out of the country on holiday?[/quote]
You have absolutely no perspective.

Random terrible things do happen to people.

They happen to people when they are left alone while you are on holiday and they happen when they go on holiday with you. When they are with friends. When they nip out to the shop. When they go to school or work. You can find examples of bad things happening in any situation.

That doesn’t make it more of a risk to leave DD home while the rest of the family go away for a week than many of the other normal things a 16 year old might do.

And while, of course, I wouldn’t want to have to explain to a police officer why my 16 year old was home if something happened to her, I wouldn’t want it because it would mean something had happened to her, not because I thought the decision was wrong.

@jamandmarmaladethesecondcoming

Kanaloa Living at 16 alone with a baby (a situation that was not a choice) is not the same for the OP's daughter who lives with her own family and is being assessed for Autism. There is a choice in the second scenario. The two scenarios don't compare.

And yet a 3 year old girl being left alone with two babies or a 13 year old being snatched from the street somehow compares in your opinion.

So bizarre as well that you’ve used those examples to illustrate someone ‘casing the joint’ when not one of them is actually an example of someone breaking into a home.

Yes because that shows that predators do stalk and take advantage of a situation.

I just wouldn't do it. There are ways of introducing independence without leaving the country as a first attempt and leaving her for a week.

We went away leaving our 16.5 year old hf autistic daughter ( for the same reasons you mention).
However although she was at home during the day time and made all her own meals etc, we insisted that she spent the night at our friend’s house. She had their key and didn’t really interact with them much, but it was really for our peace of mind, knowing that she was safe at night.
It was a good compromise; she felt independent and we felt she was safe.
Next year we might leave her in the house.

@jamandmarmaladethesecondcoming

Yes because that shows that predators do stalk and take advantage of a situation.

I just wouldn't do it. There are ways of introducing independence without leaving the country as a first attempt and leaving her for a week.

OP has said she’d do some shorter trials leading up. But I don’t see how it not being the first time or going abroad would have any impact on the risk of being stalked by someone taking advantage of her being home alone.

We didn’t leave the country and it was only 4 nights

OP has said she’d do some shorter trials leading up. But I don’t see how it not being the first time or going abroad would have any impact on the risk of being stalked by someone taking advantage of her being home alone. That speaks volumes....

@Squareteabags

We went away leaving our 16.5 year old hf autistic daughter ( for the same reasons you mention). However although she was at home during the day time and made all her own meals etc, we insisted that she spent the night at our friend’s house. She had their key and didn’t really interact with them much, but it was really for our peace of mind, knowing that she was safe at night. It was a good compromise; she felt independent and we felt she was safe. Next year we might leave her in the house.

@Squareteabags - i agree that sounds preferable, well though through and sensible. A phased approach with a safety net at night.

@jamandmarmaladethesecondcoming

OP has said she’d do some shorter trials leading up. But I don’t see how it not being the first time or going abroad would have any impact on the risk of being stalked by someone taking advantage of her being home alone. That speaks volumes....

Your lack of an explanation speaks much louder.

No it really doesn't Numbertheory

jamandmarmaladethesecondcoming

@Squareteabags - i agree that sounds preferable, well though through and sensible. A phased approach with a safety net at night.

How, in your damning scenario of a stalker watching the house waiting for opportunity, does this “safety net at night” prevent the DD from being raped during the day?

It’s not a terrible solution if it’s available, but it’s really designed for the parents benefit (peace of mind) not the daughter’s.

You are looking for things that make you feel less anxious about situations that are very unlikely, not for things that have a significant impact on the DD’s risk of coming to harm.

I would but with some coaching.

It's not about the 99% of the time when things don't happen its when they do.

I think you are being obtuse.

A responsible parent would never do what you are suggesting.

[quote Kanaloa]@sweetbellyhigh

No, my eldest (who I do leave alone although not overnight) is 11. When I was 16 myself I lived alone with him as a baby! The idea that a 16 and a half year old (who the mother says is entirely sensible) is incapable is laughable to me.[/quote]
I could say that you giving advice on what a SEN teenager could manage is laughable given that you have no experience of this. But I won't. You don't come across as someone who learns quickly.