To leave a 16 1/2 year old alone for a week to go on holiday?

[sweetkitty]

161/2 yo DD2 is very high functioning autistic hates being social, hates leaving the house, hates the sun, hates going on holiday so a week in Spain won’t be particularly enjoyable for her. I know she will spend it either in the hotel room or under a parasol in the shade on her iPad moaning about the heat.

We have quite a few animals and the family we usually do our reciprocal animal care during our holidays are being what we see as a wee bit unreasonable this year so in order to be able to go on holiday we have 2 options

1. DH goes with 2DC in June before the school break up as it’s very cheap then and then I go with the 3 DCs beginning of July DD2 doesn’t go at all but gets to stay behind with a parent each time. Downside is DH and I don’t go together and it’s probable a wee bit more expensive
2. we leave DD2 at home by herself to look after all the pets for a week, she said she would be fine with this as long as there’s food to eat. She said she would love not having the rest of us in the house annoying her!! I feel she’s just a bit too young and would probably worry too much whilst we were away.

I could probably ask a friend to pop in on her every day (she would hate this) but no we don’t have any family that could come stay with her.

Just pointing out the obvious that someone who's getting married at 16 isn't living on their own.

And I would still say it's too young for a week when you're out of reach - 2 nights when you're a couple of hours away is quite different. My son is 18 tomorrow and it would be fine. A lot changes in 1-2 years.

I'd definitely test run it for a long weekend first then decide.

She must NOT mention it on SM and friends mustn't either.

In theory I think she should be absolutely fine at that age, as long as she'd be okay dealing with any potential emergencies - I'm thinking if one of the animals needed vet treatment or she accidentally locked herself out or the house?

We left dd at that age for a week for similar reasons. She was very sensible, we had great neighbours and her best friend kept her company. Filled up the fridge, left money for meals out and theatre tickets.
She absolutely loved it.

I left home to live alone just shy of my 17th birthday. If, as you say, your DD is sensible and happy to be left, you will probably still worry a wee bit, but I think you should allow her to stay home.

@WoodenReindeer

Quite a few people are missing the fact she's autistic here I think.

Autistic people (like any other type of people) are all different. To imply that a girl of 16 and a half, who will be off to uni very soon, is incapable because of her autism is ridiculous.

Obviously some autistic people won’t be capable of being left. But what I mean is to say she’s incapable because of her autism would be an injustice.

My parents went away for a week and left me and my 14yo brother at home when I was 16. We were fine but we did have family close by that we could call on if we needed.

I would leave a sensible 16 year old but , even if high functioning autistic for a whole week certainly not.

For me it would depend on how her ASD affects her.

You would know you had to remind her to feed the animals and to shower… you wouldn’t know what else she might have forgotten to do or that she is not aware of because she is staying in her room etc.

Are the animals of a type you can’t take with you to a holiday house in the UK?

I'd give her a trial run and see how she does. She's 16 for goodness sake: she might soon be off to uni. I'd certainly prime a local friend to keep an eye on her, or to have on call in case of a crisis.

The legal deal is whether the young person is what is called Gillick competent - you might want to check that out to be on the safe side.

Since the age of 16 or 17 my DC have done house-sitting locally - cats, dogs, poultry, livestock...

Admittedly we've been a few miles away, but the house hasn't been particularly familiar. They have been fine, have loved the independence and responsibility.

Obviously some autistic people won’t be capable of being left. But what I mean is to say she’s incapable because of her autism would be an injustice.

Do you really think her parents would even consider leaving their DD if they thought her autism rendered her incapable of looking after herself? Come on now, give them SOME credit.

This may be your last year to go on a full family holiday if you think she will definitely be ready to stay home solo next Summer. Isn’t there a holiday you can design that she might like too? Somewhere less hot. My DD has SEN and hates the heat but we do find holidays we enjoy. I build in breaks in the room where she can recalibrate and find activities we both enjoy. Sometimes she does get anxious but overall we have a good time. I appreciate it is easier for me though as she is younger and an only child. I don’t think you should leave her if you feel any reservations at all because being a flight away it won’t be that easy to drop everything and get home if you need to.

@Grumpyosaurus is the hillock competence the same though? That is related to medical consent in under 16s?

@PinkSyCo

Not sure if you’ve understood my response. I was replying to a poster who said she thought these relies had not considered that the girl has autism.

I was saying that just because someone had autism that doesn’t mean you can write them off as incapable of xyz, but rather that every person with autism might be capable or incapable of different things much like anyone else is, and that to judge that she is incapable simply because she’s autistic is wrong.

Then I realised that might come off wrongly so I followed it up with the post you quoted saying that obviously I do understand that some people might not be able to be left but in this situation it’s not relevant.

I went to Berlin with a friend for ten days at 16 , so yes if you think she is sensible and capable I would

My son is 16 and autistic and we will be doing the same this summer (he will be 17 by then). He does not enjoy holidays, staying away from home, particularly if it's for more than one night. He doesn't like the heat, the travelling, and gets overwhelmed by day after day of having to socialise without a break. I feel he is old enough to decide for himself. We also have an overnight stay which includes him later on in the year.
I have left him alone several times whilst taking his siblings camping for a few days at a time during which he was fine. He has dealt with pet related situations well in the past (he is the first of us home in the evenings).
Regarding him being old enough etc. he is very responsible, perfectly capable of cooking himself meals, he doesn't feel worried at home alone, in fact he is most comfortable alone. His autism makes him a stickler for rules so he will be sure to do as I have asked, and he is the last person in the world likely to have a party. I also have a good friend around the corner who will check on him.
OP you know your daughter best, definitely have a couple of trial runs before booking, you may find you feel more confident either way after that.

I would leave a sensible 16 year old but , even if high functioning autistic for a whole week certainly not.

FYI, an autistic person can also be a sensible 16 year old.

As a mum to a child older than yours, and with the same diagnosis, not a fucking chance. 16, with additional needs, is far too young to be left in another country for a week.

If you were an hour or two away, perhaps.

Kanola, my daughter and I are both autistic, I wasn't saying they shouldn't go "because she was autistic." I was saying many posters hadn't taken that into account in their responses. Saying "my NT child did it and was fine" isn't helpful really. It could be a consideration in the OPs case.

She would know her daughter best, but no I wouldn't leave an autistic 16 year old for a week who hadn't been left for a weekend before. My child for example was convinced shed be fine left alone for a day at 12 as she knew others were st that age and thought she should be able to so answered that she could and would be fine. She was fine. She said she was fine. We did it again and then she let out she was hiding in bed googling self defense in case anyone broke in. So we decided to wait until she was a little older. Due to social communication issues she was telling us what she thought was true but also didnt realise we'd be worried about her hiding in bed scared as she had been "fine."

Thats just one example from a younger child but I can see an older one assuming they'd be "fine" but getting anxious after a few days or being anxious at night.

Every autistic person is different,just as every non autistic person is, and it may not be a problem at all, but it should be a consideration.

People can only consider what op has told them - that she’s a sensible girl who wants to be alone and doesn’t enjoy holidays. How her autism affects her can’t really be taken into account because it affects every single person entirely differently.

I’m sure if it had previously affected her day to day capability that would have been mentioned in the op as it’s highly relevant in how capable she would be when left alone. Other than that it’s impossible to speculate if it renders her less capable than the average 16 year old of being left alone.

Not sure if you’ve understood my response. I was replying to a poster who said she thought these relies had not considered that the girl has autism.

Ah I somehow thought it was you that had voiced that concern. I do apologise.

If she wants to do it and the trial runs go well then I'd say let her have a gaming week or quiet.

It's only Spain. You could be home in a few hours if you really needed to be. (Probably won't)

In this age of technology you can FaceTime a couple of times a day to check on her and the pets etc.

I was left alone for a week as soon as i turned 16. I didnt want to go on holiday with my parents at all, they did it frequently and it suited everybody. They left me £100 and i just went to work everyday, came home and got a takeaway! It was brilliant and i actually really loved being alone!

It’s ok. I guess sometimes these things get my back up as the mum of an autistic child too!

I just think it’s madness that a sensible girl of almost 17 who’ll be away at uni next year is considered incapable of staying in her own home for a week. Sometimes I wonder how uni students manage when they’ve never had the opportunity to stand on their own feet at any point with posters saying they wouldn’t even leave 18 year olds alone!