To leave a 16 1/2 year old alone for a week to go on holiday?

[sweetkitty]

161/2 yo DD2 is very high functioning autistic hates being social, hates leaving the house, hates the sun, hates going on holiday so a week in Spain won’t be particularly enjoyable for her. I know she will spend it either in the hotel room or under a parasol in the shade on her iPad moaning about the heat.

We have quite a few animals and the family we usually do our reciprocal animal care during our holidays are being what we see as a wee bit unreasonable this year so in order to be able to go on holiday we have 2 options

1. DH goes with 2DC in June before the school break up as it’s very cheap then and then I go with the 3 DCs beginning of July DD2 doesn’t go at all but gets to stay behind with a parent each time. Downside is DH and I don’t go together and it’s probable a wee bit more expensive
2. we leave DD2 at home by herself to look after all the pets for a week, she said she would be fine with this as long as there’s food to eat. She said she would love not having the rest of us in the house annoying her!! I feel she’s just a bit too young and would probably worry too much whilst we were away.

I could probably ask a friend to pop in on her every day (she would hate this) but no we don’t have any family that could come stay with her.

No chance, legally she’s still a child!

Of course she can stay on her own for a week! She's over 16 years of age. Mumsnet is full of helicopter parents.

It really depends on how happy she is and how confident you are. Work up to it. Work out scenarios with her - what will you do if x happens etc. if you have a friend available who she can call on and who will keep a watchful eye, she should be fine.

Leaving a kid that age alone for a week. Golly, what could go wrong?

Let me assure you that there are eight million things that could go wrong. We left our 18 year old alone for a week, and he had a huge party where people stole things from our house, he got drunk and beaten up, he broke up with his girlfriend and was suicidally depressed, and it set him on a negative path that it took him years to recover from. We had been diligent parents all those years, we let our guard down, and boom. I don't think leaving a kid alone in a house is the same thing as sending them to uni or camp. Other kids might come to your house to party, whether your daughter wants them to or not. Thieves or worse criminals could come. She could absentmindedly leave the stove on with something in the pot that eventually dries up and catches on fire. Yes, maybe she'll be okay. But if she isn't, you'll never forgive yourselves. And she doesn't really sound as if she is old enough for this responsibility.

@Helendee

No chance, legally she’s still a child!

Legally she isn't in Scotland. I am not saying to leave her by the way, it depends so much on the individual.

2 nights while i was a couple of hours away? Quite possibly. A week? No.

What decides me against is 1. you saying you'd worry 2. You saying you'd probably have to remind her to feed the pets. I think you were joking but still. Fact is that if ds wanted to leave home and live alone or get married at 16 I would have said no, because imo its too young.

Sorry. I'd make another plan this year.

Another reason I would not be in favor of leaving her is that it is so unnecessary. So what if she isn't that excited about going to Spain? She can be a geeky loner there as well as she can at home. As far as animal care goes, just pay someone to feed the animals. It is such an easily remedied situation.

Is it really just those 2 options? Could you not use a pet sitter, or do a combination of kennels and a friend or teen popping in or something?

I’m autistic and was left from 16 for up to 3 weeks at a time, no pets but no issues at all. If she’s happy I’d do it with my DD (also autistic) who has just turned 15 now when she hits a similar age.

Why is is she thinks she’d be fine but you think she’d worry to much?

It seems more like you’re projecting a bit, maybe? Or do you have experience of her worrying over things she thinks are going to be fine and that she ought to be capable of?

Is she the type to be responsive? I only ask because friend went out for the afternoon, as one does, and came back to find water pouring through a light fitting and her uni student ds (not considered autistic) saying “oh, yeah”.

I wouldn't leave them alone for a week. She may well be classed as a vulnerable person. And if things go wrong you are a while getting home.

I can't speak to the autism but I moved into my own flat about 2 months after my 17th birthday.

Plenty of kids start uni and leave home at 17 in Scotland. There was a girl in my year who was your DDs age.

I don't know your daughter and I don't have teens but seems entirely reasonable to me.

Age 16 you can live independently anyway. People mollycoddle for too long nowadays!

Do some trial runs. It's suddenly waking up at 3 in the morning and things seem scary. I agree that other people are the issue. I'd have her checked up on, whether she likes it or not. She sounds similar to my DD, I was lucky to have my Mum close by. It was torture being dragged on holiday. I can't help feeling that there's something going wrong with parenting that 16 year olds are now the new 12 year olds. I've seen it get worse over the last 10 years. My youngest is now 23 and the lack of sense, responsibility and resilience in her younger co workers is shocking.

My parents left me for 10 days around that age and I had the best time! I loved it. Although as @womanity says… if only they knew! You know your child and I think a dry run sounds like a great plan if you’re unsure.

@camperqueen54

Age 16 you can live independently anyway. People mollycoddle for too long nowadays!

@camperqueen54 but the 16 year old has Autism. She may be fine until something happens in the house that she cannot respond well too or be panicked while her mum is in another country.

I lived by myself with my baby at 16. I think people treat 16 year olds nowadays like little children - I’ve even seen posts on here saying they would never leave a 16 year old alone at night which just perplexed me.

She says she’d be happy with it. If there’s a back up plan of your friend visiting/letting you know if it’s gone wrong and your daughter knows she can call you if she needs anything and of course knows not to advertise her ‘empty’ then I don’t see the problem.

Also the fact that op ‘wouldn’t even consider’ leaving an 18 year old for the week. I mean why? Barring sen I’d be concerned if I’d got my kids to aged 18 and felt they were incapable of looking after themselves for one week in the family home.

My dd is 13 so I’m not there yet. But my gut would say to would wait another year. From memory, I grew up a lot between 16 and 17 and again to 18/19.

Yes I would. My first concern was having friends over and drinking but if she’s a quiet soul and will lay low then, why not? Do a weekend away as a trial run.

She could be living independently/married at 16 so I’d say absolutely!

What happens if there is a smallish problem?
I’m thinking of something like a leaking tap or an animal that is sick.
Would she be able to arrange and communicate with plumber or get someone to drive her to vets?
It seems a bit unreasonable if she hasn’t got a close family member nearby on call.

Well in Scotland she could be married anyway….

I know that this is following up to two years of horrible Covid restrictions, but I think that you should forego going abroad for one more year. I don't mean this because of Covid, or all of it's possible ramifications, I mean because I think that with your DD being 16 (and ½ by that point), it is just a little bit too young to be leaving her for a whole week, to go abroad. Add in that she is not nt and has no other family close by, then my advice is a definite no to going abroad - even if just hopping over the channel, it could easily take 4+ hours to get back home, maybe even a whole day, depending on transport: trains, planes and automobiles, plus possibly ferries, means to me that you are just too far away in either a DD emergency, or a DHouse, or Danimal emergency!

If I were you you, I would go away self-catering, but no further than the nearest bit of coastland to you, even if that is Blackpool/WsM/Skegness or similar. If you happen to live by the see anyway, I would say no longer distance away than 1½hrs, and closer if possible.

In the 1950's hardly anyone went abroad for their holidays, and we still still had a brilliant time. Now in my 60's (agewise), I have been abroad on holiday a total of 7 times in my life. I go on holiday every year (beginning of March 2020, and September 2021), often 2 to 3 times, but I haven't been abroad since 2003.
I love holidaying in Britain, I have stayed in all 4 of our Countries, and multiple places in England (sorry I just realised that I didn't count a weekend in Dublin as being abroad, so abroad 8 times, last time about 2008), and still to all 4 of Britain's Countries. We live in a beautiful United Kingdom and Northern Ireland. So I feel that I can safely say that if you live in any of our 4 Countries, you will still have a great time. I really think that you can spend one (more?) year holidaying at home.

Not only would staying reasonably close to home be advantagious for emergencies, but it would also give your DD her week to herself under what I consider to be much safer circumstances - so I see that as a win win situation.