Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable to be upset about my husbands attitude?

261 replies

emmysworld · 07/01/2022 12:10

Morning everyone.

I'd like to know if I'm being unreasonable please.

I recently came into a very large amount of money, and I wanted to use a little bit of it to treat my husband and toddler to a family holiday soon.

I have discussed it with my husband many times and have said I'd really love to go to the Maldives (or somewhere similar) I went many times as a child and I think my toddler would absolutely love the open space, water and exploring.

I asked my husband this morning "if it's okay I think I'm going to go ahead and book the Maldives" already feeling like I'm treading on egg shells as I always do...and he turned around to me and said he has a problem with it and it's not okay but it's my money. He said the flight will be a nightmare with a toddler (I've flown alone with our toddler many times) and I think he's just being really ungrateful and spiteful because I'm paying for something for us.

I feel like I shouldn't even have to ask for permission to book a holiday (providing all is okay with his work etc)

I've also offered to buy our family car as we don't have one at the moment, as it's my money I'd like to buy a 4x4 but again he's being nasty About it and saying he would feel embarrassed driving it and it's a sh*t car...rather than being grateful for the fact we will have a car to get us from A-B without the need to hire one anymore.

I just feel like I can't win. Im trying to do nice things for us and I feel like his attitude is a slap in the face.. I may as well put the money towards a divorce at this rate. He's made me cry so many times.

Thanks.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 07/01/2022 12:12

already feeling like I'm treading on egg shells as I always do..

You know that’s normal or healthy?

You’d lose a chunk of the money in a divorce but I think it would be worth it to set yourself free from this awful relationship.

WorraLiberty · 07/01/2022 12:13

Do you think it's because you decided on the Maldives and you decided on that particular car?

If it's to be a family holiday and a family car, perhaps he feels as though he should be included in the choosing?

Tal45 · 07/01/2022 12:14

Why do you feel like you're always treading on egg shells around him? That sounds emotionally abusive.

TheHatInTheCat · 07/01/2022 12:15

Have the holiday, buy the car, then divorce him.

Bluntness100 · 07/01/2022 12:16

As much as inheritance is yours, generally in marriage you agree together how to spend it. Is the issue you’re making it clear it’s your money, your decision and he should be grateful to you?

SportsMother · 07/01/2022 12:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CorrBlimeyGG · 07/01/2022 12:18

There's a lot going on here.

Why do you feel like you're walking on eggshells? That's not healthy at all.

You keep referring to your money. As you are married it is a marital asset, not just yours. You're not treating the family, you're using family money. Is your husband picking up on this from you?

Original poster
emmysworld · 07/01/2022 12:19

I've asked him which car he'd like and where he'd like to go on holiday etc, I haven't left him out of any decisions. He hides all his finances from me. I don't know anything about his finances as we don't share bank accounts etc. all I know is he earns an extremely large amount of money and doesn't like the fact I now also have money.

Everything I've done in the past finance wise (with my own personal money) he's always had a problem with. Like me having my hair done or buying myself an exercise bike to lose weight post pregnancy

OP posts:
Fatgalslim · 07/01/2022 12:19

@WorraLiberty

Do you think it's because you decided on the Maldives and you decided on that particular car?

If it's to be a family holiday and a family car, perhaps he feels as though he should be included in the choosing?

Maybe he should've offered an alternative to the Maldives then instead of saying no, and it sounds like the car isn't good enough for him and he wants a better one.

Personally I'd be taking the kids on holiday and leaving him on his own, ungrateful sod

Rumplestrumpet · 07/01/2022 12:20

I think it all depends on the bigger picture here. Is he generally supportive, encouraging you to progress in your career/interests ? Or does he resent you doing well without him?
Do you have a healthy relationship around money usually or is this part of a bigger issue where he wants to control the finances and doesn't want you to be independent of him?

Original poster
emmysworld · 07/01/2022 12:23

@Rumplestrumpet

I think it all depends on the bigger picture here. Is he generally supportive, encouraging you to progress in your career/interests ? Or does he resent you doing well without him? Do you have a healthy relationship around money usually or is this part of a bigger issue where he wants to control the finances and doesn't want you to be independent of him?
I feel like every time I have a light shining in me, like I'm happy about something or my business is going well he's the first person to shut me down and turn that light off. I've also had friends say the same thing to me.

He told me I had nothing, I set up a successful business while having a baby and now he's saying to me it's just a hobby because it doesn't earn as much money as his job...well no of course it doesn't! He earns around 200k a year. Of course my business doesn't earn that!!

OP posts:
CorrBlimeyGG · 07/01/2022 12:24

Who pays all the normal living expenses?

Is he generally a good friend partner/ father?

Original poster
emmysworld · 07/01/2022 12:24

@Bluntness100

As much as inheritance is yours, generally in marriage you agree together how to spend it. Is the issue you’re making it clear it’s your money, your decision and he should be grateful to you?
Not at all, I've said to him I'd like to do something nice for us all and treat us all and we can decide together what car we'd like and where to go on holiday and he keeps saying to me I can choose...and then I do and I ask him if it's okay and it's not okay with him
OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 07/01/2022 12:25

Am I right in thinking you and your DH are in the top earners for the UK?

He sounded like a complete dick the last time you posted about him.

I think the car and holiday are the least of your problems really OP.

Original poster
emmysworld · 07/01/2022 12:26

@CorrBlimeyGG

Who pays all the normal living expenses?

Is he generally a good friend partner/ father?

He's a great father, I can't fault his parenting skills. Partner - not so much.

He pays for most things, however we're due to move house and I have offered to pay hundreds of thousands towards it, buy the furniture and also pay for our toddlers nursery fees

OP posts:
CarlaH · 07/01/2022 12:26

I am wondering why on earth you married this man.

girlmom21 · 07/01/2022 12:26

It sounds like your finances are completely separate. What are your household contributions like (both of you)?

Does he feel like you're just wasting money?

Original poster
emmysworld · 07/01/2022 12:28

@WorraLiberty

Am I right in thinking you and your DH are in the top earners for the UK?

He sounded like a complete dick the last time you posted about him.

I think the car and holiday are the least of your problems really OP.

We are yes. I just feel like I'm trying everything to keep us together. A nice holiday to refresh us etc, a car to make life a little easier...but everything I do and offer to him isn't good enough. It's like he's purposely trying to sabotage our marriage but then puts on a front around other people that he isn't
OP posts:
Original poster
emmysworld · 07/01/2022 12:28

@CarlaH

I am wondering why on earth you married this man.
Ditto!!
OP posts:
Trekkerbabe · 07/01/2022 12:28

@emmysworld

I've asked him which car he'd like and where he'd like to go on holiday etc, I haven't left him out of any decisions. He hides all his finances from me. I don't know anything about his finances as we don't share bank accounts etc. all I know is he earns an extremely large amount of money and doesn't like the fact I now also have money.

Everything I've done in the past finance wise (with my own personal money) he's always had a problem with. Like me having my hair done or buying myself an exercise bike to lose weight post pregnancy

He doesn't sound supportive and the marriage sounds toxic. The fact that he hides his finances and the way he has reacted to your inheritance.

Are you happy?

Have you considered that your marriage might not be a healthy happy one and that this change in circumstances is shining a light on the underlying issues?

Original poster
emmysworld · 07/01/2022 12:30

@girlmom21

It sounds like your finances are completely separate. What are your household contributions like (both of you)?

Does he feel like you're just wasting money?

They are completely separate yes. They always have been for the entire marriage. I didn't want them that way but he insisted. I've never seen his bank account etc, he won't have a joint account either.
OP posts:
CorrBlimeyGG · 07/01/2022 12:30

The way you communicate with each other is more like a business arrangement than a marriage.

If the relationship is worth saving, think about some relationship therapy to learn how to communicate with each other.

girlmom21 · 07/01/2022 12:32

Does he make all the big financial decisions normally?
Is he an arsehole who feels inferior when he can't throw money around?

AlDanvers · 07/01/2022 12:32

There's a few things that jump out.

You want to go to the Maldives because you did as a child and you want a 4x4 to be the 'family' car. Also the mention that he should be grateful.

I don't think anyone should be grateful because their spouse wants to buy something for the family.

I really wouldn't want to fly long haul with toddler. It's great that you have done long haul, with a toddler many times. It's impressive, especially during a pandemic. Bit not everyone wants to. So i wouldnt be grateful if that's what dp was offering. Booking a holiday he wants, that I dont isn't for me. Its for him.

On the other hand, he sounds like a complete dick and his objection isn't about you just deciding you want X, so that's what you are having.

Sounds like he is just put out you don't have to rely on him.

I also suspect he expects you to be grateful for anything he buys.

Its a really unhealthy dynamic. Personally, u wouldn't be spending the Inheritence on a holiday. I would be stashing it to be prepared to split.

You and your child deserve to not be walking on egg shells.

scaredsadandstuck · 07/01/2022 12:32

@TheHatInTheCat

Have the holiday, buy the car, then divorce him.
Basically this, lovely. You deserve much, much better.

Take your toddler on a lovely holiday, buy the car you want, buy your own house and ditch him ASAP.

Swipe left for the next trending thread