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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable to be upset about my husbands attitude?

261 replies

emmysworld · 07/01/2022 12:10

Morning everyone.

I'd like to know if I'm being unreasonable please.

I recently came into a very large amount of money, and I wanted to use a little bit of it to treat my husband and toddler to a family holiday soon.

I have discussed it with my husband many times and have said I'd really love to go to the Maldives (or somewhere similar) I went many times as a child and I think my toddler would absolutely love the open space, water and exploring.

I asked my husband this morning "if it's okay I think I'm going to go ahead and book the Maldives" already feeling like I'm treading on egg shells as I always do...and he turned around to me and said he has a problem with it and it's not okay but it's my money. He said the flight will be a nightmare with a toddler (I've flown alone with our toddler many times) and I think he's just being really ungrateful and spiteful because I'm paying for something for us.

I feel like I shouldn't even have to ask for permission to book a holiday (providing all is okay with his work etc)

I've also offered to buy our family car as we don't have one at the moment, as it's my money I'd like to buy a 4x4 but again he's being nasty About it and saying he would feel embarrassed driving it and it's a sh*t car...rather than being grateful for the fact we will have a car to get us from A-B without the need to hire one anymore.

I just feel like I can't win. Im trying to do nice things for us and I feel like his attitude is a slap in the face.. I may as well put the money towards a divorce at this rate. He's made me cry so many times.

Thanks.

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 07/01/2022 13:06

He sounds financially abusive, he doesn’t allow you to know how much he has or how much he earns and he gets angry when you talk about buying things with your money?

I would take your dd on holiday and file for divorce.

RandomMess · 07/01/2022 13:06

If you use your inheritance to benefit the family such as purchase or house then it can become viewed as a marital asset so I would say be very cautious about this and I wok query why your solicitor has given that advice.

Motnight · 07/01/2022 13:10

He is not a great father. A great father treats their child's mother with respect.

To him money equals power. Your money has caused the power to tip as far as he is concerned and he doesn't like it.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 07/01/2022 13:11

Hi OP

As a PP has said, your home is already broken. From what you've said, I think it really isnt healthy for your son for his parents to continue to live together. Imagine seeing your dad try to stamp out every bit of happiness in your mum's life, imagine watching her become quieter and more depressed as everything she does is ridiculed, imagine growing up believing the right way to live is to show no respect, and imagine your son starting to treat you with disdain as well as that's all he has ever known. What do you think thats going to do to him?

Your husband is not a nice person. Your marriage is broken. You're not going to be able to fix this with money. He sounds financially abusive, and now you've come into money, literally the last thing you should be doing is treating him with it...he is a mega high earner and doesn't sound like he treats you!

This money is a gift, it's the gift of freedom and the possibility of a good life away from someone who is trying to ruin it all for you. Don't spend a penny of it on him. Start spending it on a decent solicitor and a deposit on somewhere else to live. Please

santaclawzz · 07/01/2022 13:12

You know what to do.. get out, buy a house, a holiday and a car for yourself and your son. You and that little boy deserve more. Your husband is a nasty piece of work.

Original poster
emmysworld · 07/01/2022 13:12

@Motnight

He is not a great father. A great father treats their child's mother with respect.

To him money equals power. Your money has caused the power to tip as far as he is concerned and he doesn't like it.

I agree
OP posts:
Original poster
emmysworld · 07/01/2022 13:13

@DrinkFeckArseBrick

Hi OP

As a PP has said, your home is already broken. From what you've said, I think it really isnt healthy for your son for his parents to continue to live together. Imagine seeing your dad try to stamp out every bit of happiness in your mum's life, imagine watching her become quieter and more depressed as everything she does is ridiculed, imagine growing up believing the right way to live is to show no respect, and imagine your son starting to treat you with disdain as well as that's all he has ever known. What do you think thats going to do to him?

Your husband is not a nice person. Your marriage is broken. You're not going to be able to fix this with money. He sounds financially abusive, and now you've come into money, literally the last thing you should be doing is treating him with it...he is a mega high earner and doesn't sound like he treats you!

This money is a gift, it's the gift of freedom and the possibility of a good life away from someone who is trying to ruin it all for you. Don't spend a penny of it on him. Start spending it on a decent solicitor and a deposit on somewhere else to live. Please

Thankyou, I know you're right...I've just been so desperately trying to make it work 😞
OP posts:
JesusInTheCabbageVan · 07/01/2022 13:14

@emmysworld so what are you going to do?

whynotwhatknot · 07/01/2022 13:14

Hes lost control of you an doesnt like it-your successful and now have an inheritance-he doesnt like it so puts everything you do down

get out of there

Original poster
emmysworld · 07/01/2022 13:16

[quote JesusInTheCabbageVan]@emmysworld so what are you going to do?[/quote]
Cry 🙃

Take my mum on holiday instead.

I'd love to say I'm going to proceed with a divorce but I need to find the strength to do that and not be in denial about the marriage not working.

OP posts:
Thatsplentyjack · 07/01/2022 13:17

@TheHatInTheCat

Have the holiday, buy the car, then divorce him.
No, start with the divorce.

He is resentful that you've come into this money and he's punishing you for it. Won't matter what you suggest you do with the money, he won't be happy about it.

Echobelly · 07/01/2022 13:17

It sounds overall like this has given you the gift of being able to leave... and he probably knows it too, which is why he's being so shitty.

I'd start planning, I would not let him try to 'win you back' and I hope you can enjoy and bright future with DS.

Sprucewillis · 07/01/2022 13:19

Save your money OP. For whatever reason (secret debt or honesty about wealth) he doesn't want to owe you anything or he thinks he could spend it better for you.

My advice would be to take your DC on holiday on your own (you will have a much better time) and use this space to get some perspective and clarity about what you want to do next.

You are very very fortunate to have options (most women in your position don't). If you decide to divorce get you ducks in a row before telling DH and get a really good lawyer to protect your money.

Good luck OP Thanks

rjlk · 07/01/2022 13:21

I have been and flown BC, and believe me it is a flight and a half. There were 2 small children on the plane they were as good as gold and slept most of the way but seeing them in our hotel which I will say was luxurious and very romantic it is Definitely NOT a holiday for small children. Getting from the airport to any island is another trip either by boat or air and takes at least 3/4 day winding down. Better to select a marvellous holiday that suits you and the children, hotels in Scotland, Ireland, country side, riding horses. Children facilities, food, and spa for you. Believe me experienced both and can say nothing better than seeing the whole family smiling. Just my thought.

deydododatdodontdeydo · 07/01/2022 13:22

I don't think inheritance is a marital asset. Maybe I'm wrong.

On other threads on this site (where the man has inherited money) people usually say it's family money not his.

OP: If you can't be happy when you are mega rich, when can you be? Take the steps to make you and your son happy.

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 07/01/2022 13:23

I'd love to say I'm going to proceed with a divorce but I need to find the strength to do that and not be in denial about the marriage not working.

Sounds like you're no longer in denial, at least.

If you keep telling yourself you don't have the strength to leave, it'll become your handy excuse for not leaving. If you no longer love him, have the means/ability to leave and aren't at risk of harm if you try, I'm not sure strength comes into it tbh.

Thatsplentyjack · 07/01/2022 13:24

What on earth is stopping you divorcing him? You have your own money, and he's an abusive alcoholic Confused.

Wallywobbles · 07/01/2022 13:25

I'd say he wants you to leave. He's being vile so that you do it. He's not brave enough to do it himself for some reason (maybe the same reason as you).

So in the interim he's drinking himself into oblivion while you continue to play happy families. Which is making the situation worse.

He doesn't want a family car /house /holiday with you because he doesn't want any more family shit to unpick. And he doesn't want to be in this 'family'. It's a pretty sad situation.

Get yourself some therapy and put your big girl pants on. When you get the divorce underway it sounds like you'll both be relieved.

Original poster
emmysworld · 07/01/2022 13:25

@JesusInTheCabbageVan

I'd love to say I'm going to proceed with a divorce but I need to find the strength to do that and not be in denial about the marriage not working.

Sounds like you're no longer in denial, at least.

If you keep telling yourself you don't have the strength to leave, it'll become your handy excuse for not leaving. If you no longer love him, have the means/ability to leave and aren't at risk of harm if you try, I'm not sure strength comes into it tbh.

I think he's just made me feel like I'm not the strong person I actually am. I did perfectly well in life without him yet he's told me I've never had a good job etc and I had a good career before we met. He's always undermining me
OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 07/01/2022 13:26

Everything is family money as the initial presumption as far as I understand it.

The courts can move away from that starting point if someone can show the money is safeguarded in some way I think.

But then the court decides what the needs of you and stbxh are, especially housing needs. If he’s the higher earner by a long way and you will have your Ds living with you, it may be that you can keep most or all of the money in the settlement (depends how much it is, what your salary is otherwise etc)

Skullycup45 · 07/01/2022 13:26

@Bluntness100

As much as inheritance is yours, generally in marriage you agree together how to spend it. Is the issue you’re making it clear it’s your money, your decision and he should be grateful to you?
Why should the OP need her husband's permission on how she spends her money? Let alone on the family?

How ridiculous.

Dreamstate · 07/01/2022 13:26

Id be divorcing him, what kid of life is that!

I agree about the 4x4 though, you love in Central London! With such great public transport on your doorstep you don't need a car! Let alone a 4x4!

Quackpot · 07/01/2022 13:27

LTB! Book and pay for the holiday for you and the kids. Put the rest of the money in a trust fund in kids names. Fold the buisiness, Divorce him, restart the buisiness when he can't get a chunk of it. Claim maintenance for the kids. Get legal advice first though, cause I know fuck all about divorce.

LadyinRead · 07/01/2022 13:27

It sounds like "money is no object" in your family so he won't be grateful that you are offering to pay for something.
Perhaps he would prefer to pay so he can be the one in control?
Walking on eggshells is not healthy.

Jmaho · 07/01/2022 13:27

@Sprucewillis

Save your money OP. For whatever reason (secret debt or honesty about wealth) he doesn't want to owe you anything or he thinks he could spend it better for you.

My advice would be to take your DC on holiday on your own (you will have a much better time) and use this space to get some perspective and clarity about what you want to do next.

You are very very fortunate to have options (most women in your position don't). If you decide to divorce get you ducks in a row before telling DH and get a really good lawyer to protect your money.

Good luck OP Thanks

Agree with every word of this. There are so many posts on here with woman living awful lives with awful partners. Financial abuse, physical and mental abuse. I'm sure if most of them had money in the bank they would leave. This money is your lifeline. Your way out. Divorce him. Walk away and leave him to live his life alone doing whatever it is that makes him happy (not sure what that is) The fact that you said he reacts badly when something good happens to you is quite shocking. Surely you can see that being with someone who acts that way is wrong? Don't worry about your child coming from a broken home. Who cares?? Loads of people get divorced. It's not shameful or unusual. It's life Honestly please properly read everything people are saying to you. You do have the strength to divorce him. Surely the thought of going through divorce isn't as bad as imagining the next God knows about many years being married to him??