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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable to be upset about my husbands attitude?

261 replies

emmysworld · 07/01/2022 12:10

Morning everyone.

I'd like to know if I'm being unreasonable please.

I recently came into a very large amount of money, and I wanted to use a little bit of it to treat my husband and toddler to a family holiday soon.

I have discussed it with my husband many times and have said I'd really love to go to the Maldives (or somewhere similar) I went many times as a child and I think my toddler would absolutely love the open space, water and exploring.

I asked my husband this morning "if it's okay I think I'm going to go ahead and book the Maldives" already feeling like I'm treading on egg shells as I always do...and he turned around to me and said he has a problem with it and it's not okay but it's my money. He said the flight will be a nightmare with a toddler (I've flown alone with our toddler many times) and I think he's just being really ungrateful and spiteful because I'm paying for something for us.

I feel like I shouldn't even have to ask for permission to book a holiday (providing all is okay with his work etc)

I've also offered to buy our family car as we don't have one at the moment, as it's my money I'd like to buy a 4x4 but again he's being nasty About it and saying he would feel embarrassed driving it and it's a sh*t car...rather than being grateful for the fact we will have a car to get us from A-B without the need to hire one anymore.

I just feel like I can't win. Im trying to do nice things for us and I feel like his attitude is a slap in the face.. I may as well put the money towards a divorce at this rate. He's made me cry so many times.

Thanks.

OP posts:
assess · 07/01/2022 12:32

“He hides all his finances from me.”

Shock

This or that holiday or car is the least of your problems!

Why on earth are you with a man who does this? It’s unbelievable.

Original poster
emmysworld · 07/01/2022 12:33

Maybe I'm just being naïve and trying to kid myself into thinking this awful marriage will ever work. We've gone down the route of divorce before and I said I'd come back if we had counselling and things changed, and of course they haven't.

He sleeps on the sofa, drinks a huge amount of alcohol and is just generally so miserable. Every thing I suggest or say to him has a negative response which is where the walking on eggshells comes in..."would you like to come for a family walk?" And his response is "I don't like walking"

Would you like to go to the cinema "I don't like the cinema"

These are his general responses to everything

OP posts:
FlasherMcGruff · 07/01/2022 12:34

He’s continually undermining you and your achievements. Awful.

username1293948 · 07/01/2022 12:34

Simple solution. Book the holiday for you and your toddler only. Buy YOURSELF a nice car.

Ohfortheloveofgodwhatnow · 07/01/2022 12:34

I’d go to the Maldives with my child but without him.

Ragruggers · 07/01/2022 12:35

Are you happy in this relationship?You sound very defeated,a holiday would be a great break but do you have a friend,sister who would like to go with you,I would leave him at home,stand your ground over the car,just buy what you want.How do you see the next 5 years with him? He sounds awful you deserve better.Good luck.

username1293948 · 07/01/2022 12:35

He sounds like he’s dragging you down OP. You shouldn’t have to live your life like this just because he is miserable!

NoSquirrels · 07/01/2022 12:35

Do not spend your money on ‘the family’ if he’s a high earner and doesn’t share.

Have the holiday you want, sort a deposit on a place to live and divorce him. Buy the car you want after that.

He sounds like a proper arse,

assess · 07/01/2022 12:36

He has deep psychological issues OP snd he’s ms ululated you into feeling responsible for his moods.

How dare he hide money from his family. Despicable.

Where do these men come from? I have never heard of such a thing.

I’m sorry, but he is ruining your life.

gamerchick · 07/01/2022 12:36

@emmysworld

I've asked him which car he'd like and where he'd like to go on holiday etc, I haven't left him out of any decisions. He hides all his finances from me. I don't know anything about his finances as we don't share bank accounts etc. all I know is he earns an extremely large amount of money and doesn't like the fact I now also have money.

Everything I've done in the past finance wise (with my own personal money) he's always had a problem with. Like me having my hair done or buying myself an exercise bike to lose weight post pregnancy

So he's been in control and now he isn't? So will make you feel miserable spending it like he's always made you feel miserable spending money.

Get yourself the car. Put the rest away for the minute so he can't access it. I wouldn't be planning bugger all treating him wise for a bit.

TheCatterall · 07/01/2022 12:36

already feeling like I'm treading on egg shells as I always do...

After your other posts and comments - he is t going to change. Why are you still with him. Contemplate a lifetime of this. Contemplate a life together when your son has flown the nest and living his own life. Contemplate retirement together. Just the two of you. Forever.

I think his controlling, bullying and belittling ways towards you will increase year on year until you are a pitiful shadow of yourself too meek to ask or suggest anything.

He can be a father - doesn’t mean you have to live together for him to do this.

What example are you allowing your child to see - because children do and will pick up on atmospheres and the way adult speak and treat each other. I worry there will come a day when your child thinks it’s also ok to speak down to mummy because daddy does.

Don’t stay together ‘for the sake’ of the child. Your child needs a happy healthy mother as well - not one walking on eggshells.

Original poster
emmysworld · 07/01/2022 12:37

I totally understand the comments who are saying let him chose the destination and the car etc and I have asked him so many times what he would like to do...in response to the car nothing is good enough for him as his old car was an Aston Martin and I'm just not going to buy us an Aston Martin!!

OP posts:
Huy456 · 07/01/2022 12:38

I'm really sorry but it doesn't sound like he likes you very much

Whatsnewpussyhat · 07/01/2022 12:39

He hides all his finances from me. I don't know anything about his finances as we don't share bank accounts etc. all I know is he earns an extremely large amount of money and doesn't like the fact I now also have money

Because you having your own money means he can't control you.

I'd be saving the 'hundreds of thousands' you are planning to spend on the house and get a divorce.

He earns a ridiculous amount yet can't afford to buy a car? Or is it that hiring one he can show off and replace it often whilst you not having access to it?

He doesn't even like you.

Take this opportunity with your windfall to escape.

SFHJ · 07/01/2022 12:39

Use the money to get away, get a divorce, your own place with you dc, support your business and leave him. You sound like you would manage perfectly without him!

Original poster
emmysworld · 07/01/2022 12:40

@TheCatterall

already feeling like I'm treading on egg shells as I always do...

After your other posts and comments - he is t going to change. Why are you still with him. Contemplate a lifetime of this. Contemplate a life together when your son has flown the nest and living his own life. Contemplate retirement together. Just the two of you. Forever.

I think his controlling, bullying and belittling ways towards you will increase year on year until you are a pitiful shadow of yourself too meek to ask or suggest anything.

He can be a father - doesn’t mean you have to live together for him to do this.

What example are you allowing your child to see - because children do and will pick up on atmospheres and the way adult speak and treat each other. I worry there will come a day when your child thinks it’s also ok to speak down to mummy because daddy does.

Don’t stay together ‘for the sake’ of the child. Your child needs a happy healthy mother as well - not one walking on eggshells.

I just so desperately didn't want us to be a broken family. I always like to try and see the best in a bad situation and try to make things work and I'm always trying to be optimistic but maybe I'm just fooling myself...or I'm scared to walk away and actually stand my ground
OP posts:
Crocky · 07/01/2022 12:40

Please use this money to leave this man.

Original poster
emmysworld · 07/01/2022 12:40

@Huy456

I'm really sorry but it doesn't sound like he likes you very much
Lol I get this vibe too! 🥴
OP posts:
Stripyhoglets1 · 07/01/2022 12:41

Buy the car in your name and then start divorce proceedings. Have the holiday afterwards on your own with toddler without the fun sponge with you. The inheritance will go into the pot to be divided but so will his assets and savings. This man will slowly suck all the joy out of your life.
Try and find out some info about some assets etc as you will need this in case he tries to hide assets in the divorce.

PearPickingPorky · 07/01/2022 12:41

Don't move house with him.

Buy two separate properties and go your separate ways.

This isn't a marriage, or a relationship.

Whatayear81 · 07/01/2022 12:42

Is he possibly coming at it from perspective that both suggestions are pretty appalling for the environment?

Whatayear81 · 07/01/2022 12:43

Don’t get me wrong… I’d accept the holiday happily!

The 4x4… I also would feel embarrassed tbh

Original poster
emmysworld · 07/01/2022 12:43

Surely to forever be on rightmove, one minute looking at a family home, the next looking at a home for my son and I just isn't healthy 😞 I just don't have the strength to leave or to accept the marriage isn't working

OP posts:
Huy456 · 07/01/2022 12:43

Yes use the money to buy your freedom

Huy456 · 07/01/2022 12:44

You do have the strength and we can help you