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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable to be upset about my husbands attitude?

261 replies

emmysworld · 07/01/2022 12:10

Morning everyone.

I'd like to know if I'm being unreasonable please.

I recently came into a very large amount of money, and I wanted to use a little bit of it to treat my husband and toddler to a family holiday soon.

I have discussed it with my husband many times and have said I'd really love to go to the Maldives (or somewhere similar) I went many times as a child and I think my toddler would absolutely love the open space, water and exploring.

I asked my husband this morning "if it's okay I think I'm going to go ahead and book the Maldives" already feeling like I'm treading on egg shells as I always do...and he turned around to me and said he has a problem with it and it's not okay but it's my money. He said the flight will be a nightmare with a toddler (I've flown alone with our toddler many times) and I think he's just being really ungrateful and spiteful because I'm paying for something for us.

I feel like I shouldn't even have to ask for permission to book a holiday (providing all is okay with his work etc)

I've also offered to buy our family car as we don't have one at the moment, as it's my money I'd like to buy a 4x4 but again he's being nasty About it and saying he would feel embarrassed driving it and it's a sh*t car...rather than being grateful for the fact we will have a car to get us from A-B without the need to hire one anymore.

I just feel like I can't win. Im trying to do nice things for us and I feel like his attitude is a slap in the face.. I may as well put the money towards a divorce at this rate. He's made me cry so many times.

Thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
emmysworld · 07/01/2022 12:53

@Sciurus83

How do you know he earns a lot? You've never seen his bank account, you live in a 1 bed with a toddler, you have no car, where is this money? Do you live in a very expensive part of Central London or something? He could be lying, do you really know? Maybe that's why he drinks all the time. Anyway you need to leave, this is no life if there's no joy in it.
We live in a 2 bed flat. We live in central london. Up until having a child a car hasn't been a priority, it's been a luxury.

I know he earns a lot because we previously bought a home together and had to both lay all of our finances on the table. That sale fell though.

OP posts:
Bogofftosomewherehot · 07/01/2022 12:54

@Whatsnewpussyhat

He hides all his finances from me. I don't know anything about his finances as we don't share bank accounts etc. all I know is he earns an extremely large amount of money and doesn't like the fact I now also have money

Because you having your own money means he can't control you.

I'd be saving the 'hundreds of thousands' you are planning to spend on the house and get a divorce.

He earns a ridiculous amount yet can't afford to buy a car? Or is it that hiring one he can show off and replace it often whilst you not having access to it?

He doesn't even like you.

Take this opportunity with your windfall to escape.

This!! - with bells on. Use this money and the 100's of thousands you can contribute to a new house and leave him. Don't go for the things that will devalue and go and make a nice and stable life for you and your child.
Magnited · 07/01/2022 12:56

Woman not walk on egg-shells.
Nesting birds live long and prosper.

KO81 · 07/01/2022 12:56

If he earns a large amount of money, then fuck him. Keep your money for you and use it to set yourself up with a nice life away from this nasty twat.

MzHz · 07/01/2022 12:56

Many of us know exactly how you feel, rich or poor has little to do with it, especially as you’re able to take care of yourself! Huge back pat from me!

You know this isn’t how you want to live, how your toddler deserves to live.

Start the ball rolling with a divorce, you started it before and we’re conned, don’t be fooled again.

He will chip away at you (and then start on your child…) until there is Nothing left of you.

You’re young, you have power and brains, he’s not good enough for you and never will be.

The sooner you take the deep breath and do what you know you need to do, the sooner you’ll be free of the weight of his monumental misery

LJAKS · 07/01/2022 12:57

I'm from a "broken" family, I broke up my daughters miserable family a few years ago when she was 4.
There are far, FAR, worse things for a child than divorce. Watching their mother being treated like shite being one. Can't remember if it's a son or a daughter but would you be happy if a son treated his future spouse the way you are being treated? Would you be happy if a daughter accepted such behaviour? You owe them more than that. If he is a good father he can continue to be a good father away from the marriage. You're just modelling a toxic relationship that will ensure DCs standards are reflective of the situation they grow up believing to be normal.
But you know this. When you're ready to leave wild horses will not hold you back. Try to come to that realisation sooner rather than later to minimise the damage to your DC.

TheCatShatInTheHat · 07/01/2022 12:57

You don't want your son to come from a broken home ? It's already well and truly broken. Do your child a massive favour by leaving the abusive, controlling man before the toxic relationship has an impact on him.

RaininSummer · 07/01/2022 12:57

He sounds like my ex. Constantly trying to keep you in your place, as he sees it, and crushing your dreams which is why the holiday is all wrong, the far is wrong, your business is lame etc. He wont change I expect as he has a superiority complex.

Tempusfudgeit · 07/01/2022 12:58

Emmy - what on Earth has happened in your childhood, your life and your head to make you think 'this is the life for me'?

Whatayear81 · 07/01/2022 12:58

I think he knows dead in water

Doesn’t want you wasting money on nice family stuff

He’s a business man on a very high income. He’s thinking strategically. It’s in your interests too OP

Whatayear81 · 07/01/2022 12:59

What did you do pre children? Can you return?

5128gap · 07/01/2022 13:00

If he really earns £200k a year, I'm sure he wouldn't be needing your inheritance to buy a family car, so obviously has other reasons for not buying one. Why not just buy a car you want to drive yourself and DC about? I don't think I'd want that holiday with a toddler either, but as you do, can you go alone or with a friend? If you're seriously considering divorce these would be useful steps towards independence too.

Wallywobbles · 07/01/2022 13:00

I don't think inheritance is a marital asset. Maybe I'm wrong.

Original poster
emmysworld · 07/01/2022 13:00

@Wallywobbles

I don't think inheritance is a marital asset. Maybe I'm wrong.
It isn't. I've consulted my solicitor about it to ask.
OP posts:
Original poster
emmysworld · 07/01/2022 13:01

@LJAKS

I'm from a "broken" family, I broke up my daughters miserable family a few years ago when she was 4. There are far, FAR, worse things for a child than divorce. Watching their mother being treated like shite being one. Can't remember if it's a son or a daughter but would you be happy if a son treated his future spouse the way you are being treated? Would you be happy if a daughter accepted such behaviour? You owe them more than that. If he is a good father he can continue to be a good father away from the marriage. You're just modelling a toxic relationship that will ensure DCs standards are reflective of the situation they grow up believing to be normal. But you know this. When you're ready to leave wild horses will not hold you back. Try to come to that realisation sooner rather than later to minimise the damage to your DC.
Don't get me wrong, I'm from a broken home too. I just didn't want my marriage to go down that route
OP posts:
viques · 07/01/2022 13:01

@emmysworld

Maybe I'm just being naïve and trying to kid myself into thinking this awful marriage will ever work. We've gone down the route of divorce before and I said I'd come back if we had counselling and things changed, and of course they haven't.

He sleeps on the sofa, drinks a huge amount of alcohol and is just generally so miserable. Every thing I suggest or say to him has a negative response which is where the walking on eggshells comes in..."would you like to come for a family walk?" And his response is "I don't like walking"

Would you like to go to the cinema "I don't like the cinema"

These are his general responses to everything

Every post you make is another drip feed window into this relationship. Read them to yourself then think what you would say to your best friend if she was the one writing them.
WorraLiberty · 07/01/2022 13:01

@Whatayear81

What did you do pre children? Can you return?
The OP runs her own business from home and both her and her DH are amongst the UK's top earners.

At least she has that to fall back on if/when she leaves.

Whatayear81 · 07/01/2022 13:02

My inheritance was a marital asset

It worked out ok in the end as I kept inheritance but didn’t touch his pension. They were both almost equal.

2022success · 07/01/2022 13:02

I may as well put the money towards a divorce at this rate

I would.

You talk about not wanting your child to come from a broken home, but it's already badly broken. If he is good with your son, that's fine, he can continue to be good, just you won't be around to see it.

I would book a holiday to Maldives without him. Re the car, if you live in central London, I can see his point about a 4 x 4. People will think you are a twat, but again, I think that's a minor point in what looks like a miserable marriage.

See a solicitor. If you divorce, the judge will force him to disclose his finances. Be aware though that your windfall is now a marital asset, so any way you can legally offload a chunk of it would be advisable.

AlDanvers · 07/01/2022 13:03

Honestly, don't move house. Or tie up a ton of money in a joint property.

It will make you more likey to stay and harder to support yourself, between speerstion and divorce

As he is a higher earner, you may get a good chunk in a divorce. But plenty of women find themselves struggling in the period before the divorce.

Dont do it.

Whatayear81 · 07/01/2022 13:03

Genuine question

How have you flown “many times” with a toddler, when we’ve been in a pandemic for essentially the duration of this life?

Original poster
emmysworld · 07/01/2022 13:05

@Whatayear81

Genuine question

How have you flown “many times” with a toddler, when we’ve been in a pandemic for essentially the duration of this life?

I have a dual citizenship so have been able to fly with my toddler. We've had 2 holidays and have also flown to visit family
OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 07/01/2022 13:06

@emmysworld

Surely to forever be on rightmove, one minute looking at a family home, the next looking at a home for my son and I just isn't healthy 😞 I just don't have the strength to leave or to accept the marriage isn't working
Your family is so broken. Time to move on and have a fabulous life without your alcoholic downer dickhead.
Whatayear81 · 07/01/2022 13:06

I’m jealous! The idea of flying many times over the last two years is alien to me!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 07/01/2022 13:06

Get away from him ASAP

Divorce

Hopefully he won’t get too much of your windfall as he’s such a high earner himself.