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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable to be upset about my husbands attitude?

261 replies

emmysworld · 07/01/2022 12:10

Morning everyone.

I'd like to know if I'm being unreasonable please.

I recently came into a very large amount of money, and I wanted to use a little bit of it to treat my husband and toddler to a family holiday soon.

I have discussed it with my husband many times and have said I'd really love to go to the Maldives (or somewhere similar) I went many times as a child and I think my toddler would absolutely love the open space, water and exploring.

I asked my husband this morning "if it's okay I think I'm going to go ahead and book the Maldives" already feeling like I'm treading on egg shells as I always do...and he turned around to me and said he has a problem with it and it's not okay but it's my money. He said the flight will be a nightmare with a toddler (I've flown alone with our toddler many times) and I think he's just being really ungrateful and spiteful because I'm paying for something for us.

I feel like I shouldn't even have to ask for permission to book a holiday (providing all is okay with his work etc)

I've also offered to buy our family car as we don't have one at the moment, as it's my money I'd like to buy a 4x4 but again he's being nasty About it and saying he would feel embarrassed driving it and it's a sh*t car...rather than being grateful for the fact we will have a car to get us from A-B without the need to hire one anymore.

I just feel like I can't win. Im trying to do nice things for us and I feel like his attitude is a slap in the face.. I may as well put the money towards a divorce at this rate. He's made me cry so many times.

Thanks.

OP posts:
CowMarshland · 07/01/2022 17:26

Why is it just your money when your in a partnership with your dh? Wouldn’t it be better if there was a discussion about how “we” spend the money?

Migrainesbythedozen · 07/01/2022 17:28

@CowMarshland

Why is it just your money when your in a partnership with your dh? Wouldn’t it be better if there was a discussion about how “we” spend the money?
@CowMarshland Please RTFT OP is in an emotionally abusive relationship and her husband doesn't even allow her to know how much he earns or what his bank accounts are.
MerryMarigold · 07/01/2022 17:31

@WorraLiberty

Do you think it's because you decided on the Maldives and you decided on that particular car?

If it's to be a family holiday and a family car, perhaps he feels as though he should be included in the choosing?

This.

I would refuse to drive a 4 x 4 as well! I don't consider it to be dh's money or mine. If I inherited, it would the family's money and we would decide. I may get slightly more say but I think dh would allow me that if it had come from, say my parent dying, and I was willing to discuss things.

Notahandmaid · 07/01/2022 17:34

From the sound of it, the OP has tried to get her DH interested in how to to spend the money and he isn't interested in any suggestions. He isn't interested in anything much at all and doesn't like the fact that it's changed the power dynamic in the relationship.

And, as I posted above, I wouldn't presume that money left to my DP was automatically our money and vice versa.

ChiefStockingStuffer · 07/01/2022 17:37

@emmysworld

I've asked him which car he'd like and where he'd like to go on holiday etc, I haven't left him out of any decisions. He hides all his finances from me. I don't know anything about his finances as we don't share bank accounts etc. all I know is he earns an extremely large amount of money and doesn't like the fact I now also have money.

Everything I've done in the past finance wise (with my own personal money) he's always had a problem with. Like me having my hair done or buying myself an exercise bike to lose weight post pregnancy

Such a concerning post.

You now have the potential means to get good legal advice and leave him, and force him to support his child elsewhere. And give you a fair cut of moneys in his secret accounts.

Frankly, I'd do it based on what you've said. He's financially controlling (which is abuse) and it's only going to get worse.

Don't waste your money on holidays and cars for him. Use it to get out of an abusive marriage and set yourself up with your child.

MerryMarigold · 07/01/2022 17:38

Ok, sorry. I RTFT of OP's replies and he sounds like a nasty piece of work. OP, you don't need him financially, not sure why you are doing this to yourself.

MobyDicksTinyCanoe · 07/01/2022 17:39

Id set aside the money and ear mark it for a holiday to the Maldives when your toddlers a bit older and you'll both enjoy it more......he sounds like a Complete bellend tho. And you sound like youre in a good position to finally get rid of him.

ChiefStockingStuffer · 07/01/2022 17:40

@emmysworld

Maybe I'm just being naïve and trying to kid myself into thinking this awful marriage will ever work. We've gone down the route of divorce before and I said I'd come back if we had counselling and things changed, and of course they haven't.

He sleeps on the sofa, drinks a huge amount of alcohol and is just generally so miserable. Every thing I suggest or say to him has a negative response which is where the walking on eggshells comes in..."would you like to come for a family walk?" And his response is "I don't like walking"

Would you like to go to the cinema "I don't like the cinema"

These are his general responses to everything

He's not a great dad.

Great dads don't model this behaviour to their children.

Great dads don't treat their wives like lesser beings, knock their accomplishments (your business), and snipe at them for daring to have money themselves.

He's not a great dad. He's not a great husband. he's not a great person. he's just paid well ...

Bluebluemoon · 07/01/2022 17:43

Not rtft but just from your OP I would guess:

He's jealous and threatened by the fact you have some money of your own and are making choices on your own as he is an abusive, controlling bully. He can't obviously tell you he's jealous and pissed off that you've inherited money though - coz that would make him sound like the abusive man child he is - so instead he's criticising and insulting the holiday/car that you want and inventing reasons why they are crap choices.

He sounds like a complete arse.

tommyhoundmum · 07/01/2022 17:43

Sounds to me like he'd like you just to give him half and he can do as he chooses.

He's a sour man and this won't improve. Leave him when you are ready.

Good luck

EerieSilence · 07/01/2022 17:44

Use the money for divorce and start of a new life.
Don't bother with anything else. Focus on you and your son.
He's a major twat.

Ginger1982 · 07/01/2022 17:48

You sound sensible, independent, capable and are a high earner.

Ditch him!

Saz12 · 07/01/2022 17:50

He wants to have full control over finances. But suddenly you have (a lot of) money of your own, and an amount of income from your business. He wants to make all the decisions, not just have a say in them.

I’d be packing my bags, unless a proper conversation could help sort this out.

lynxca16 · 07/01/2022 17:57

He sounds like a controlling ar** to be honest.
Now you have some capital of your own he is afraid of
losing this. This behaviour will not improve and will only
increase the longer you allow it to.

I wouldn't be booking holiday or car (unless one for yourself and child), keep your inheritance safe and sound to provide for you and your child's future.
I would be quietly getting my ducks in a row with the possibility of leaving in the future.

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 07/01/2022 17:58

This thread is bananas
B
A N
A N
A S
🍌🍌🍌🍌🍌🍌🍌

Feelingoktoday · 07/01/2022 18:00

Go to the Maldives with your child after you have divorced this dick, get rid. With the money you have inherited you could buy your own little house and be happy

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 07/01/2022 18:01

I just want to let you know that Aston Martin do a 4 x 4 so that would be an excellent compromise

Topseyt · 07/01/2022 18:02

He said to me the other day he doesn't give a F about my dad as look how I turned out.

When my dad first died he also said to me "oh well now you have one less person to call"

I have read all of your posts and these comments stood out to me.

I am very sorry you have lost your Dad. I lost mine too, last March. If any partner of mine had said anything like this about him they would immediately have been an ex. Fortunately, My DH is not an arse like that.

Take your toddler on holiday to the Maldives without your "D" H. Use your time there to think carefully about your next move. Then come back and use the rest of your money to buy yourself a place where you and your child can live in peace, unencumbered by Mr. Misery-Guts.

Phobiaphobic · 07/01/2022 18:06

Another voice to say it sounds like you're married to a nasty, vain, controlling, gas-lighting bully. Good luck, OP.

Signoramarella · 07/01/2022 18:06

Yes you do. Have the strength to leave. Of course you do , you can. You must. Don't waste another second of your precious life or money on this self serving twat.

StellaGibson118 · 07/01/2022 18:08

If he has no access to your inheritance then I'd take the money and leave. Go to the Maldives with someone nice like friends or family, get yourself a 4x4 and stop living in a tiny flat because of him! Take this money and let it give you the freedom to run. He sounds horrible.

LetHimHaveIt · 07/01/2022 18:26

Not the point, but I'm a bit confused about why, if you're both enormous earners, why you would ever had had to hire a car?

It doesn't sound like he enjoys your receiving any kind good fortune or success. I'd think very carefully about where you go from here.

LetHimHaveIt · 07/01/2022 18:27

Extra 'why', there 🙄

Brigante9 · 07/01/2022 18:27

Wow, controlling miserable wanker! Honestly, I’d spend some money divorcing, or do you want to be tied down, not allowed to do anything fun for the next 40 years?

JamieTartt · 07/01/2022 18:29

He earns 200k a year but you don't have a family car?

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