Am I being unreasonable to be upset about my husbands attitude?

[emmysworld]

Morning everyone.

I'd like to know if I'm being unreasonable please.

I recently came into a very large amount of money, and I wanted to use a little bit of it to treat my husband and toddler to a family holiday soon.

I have discussed it with my husband many times and have said I'd really love to go to the Maldives (or somewhere similar) I went many times as a child and I think my toddler would absolutely love the open space, water and exploring.

I asked my husband this morning "if it's okay I think I'm going to go ahead and book the Maldives" already feeling like I'm treading on egg shells as I always do...and he turned around to me and said he has a problem with it and it's not okay but it's my money. He said the flight will be a nightmare with a toddler (I've flown alone with our toddler many times) and I think he's just being really ungrateful and spiteful because I'm paying for something for us.

I feel like I shouldn't even have to ask for permission to book a holiday (providing all is okay with his work etc)

I've also offered to buy our family car as we don't have one at the moment, as it's my money I'd like to buy a 4x4 but again he's being nasty About it and saying he would feel embarrassed driving it and it's a sh*t car...rather than being grateful for the fact we will have a car to get us from A-B without the need to hire one anymore.

I just feel like I can't win. Im trying to do nice things for us and I feel like his attitude is a slap in the face.. I may as well put the money towards a divorce at this rate. He's made me cry so many times.

Thanks.

@Dreamstate

Id be divorcing him, what kid of life is that!

I agree about the 4x4 though, you love in Central London! With such great public transport on your doorstep you don't need a car! Let alone a 4x4!

When I say a 4x4 I mean a very small 4x4 not a huge one! It's also electric which is ideal for London. We need a car as I do a lot of travelling with our son

Yay that inheritance isn’t a marital asset! Don’t plan a holiday or a car, just pay a lawyer to get rid of him. There’s no point flogging a dead horse. He’s not that great a dad if his reaction to suggesting a walk is ‘I don’t like walking’ either and same with everything else. Imagine getting your hair done and coming home and no one says anything crap about it!!

You don’t have the strength to just leave him and he’s quite the nasty horror towards you but doesn’t appear to want to divorce.
Have you asked him why he is still with you when he obviously dislikes you so much?
Is it because you are his housekeeper and he doesn’t want to lose that or is it because he doesn’t want to not live with his child?
You need to find out exactly where you stand and his reasons for continuing stay married whilst being nasty to you.
A big conversation is needed here then you can move forward.

@emmysworld OK, in that case I would be spending the money on a therapist to talk through your feelings and get things clear in your own mind. If you shop around and make sure you choose one who's right for you, it could be life changing.

Less fun than the Maldives, but sounds like that's not going to be much fun anyway.

@Ourlady

You don’t have the strength to just leave him and he’s quite the nasty horror towards you but doesn’t appear to want to divorce. Have you asked him why he is still with you when he obviously dislikes you so much? Is it because you are his housekeeper and he doesn’t want to lose that or is it because he doesn’t want to not live with his child? You need to find out exactly where you stand and his reasons for continuing stay married whilst being nasty to you. A big conversation is needed here then you can move forward.

He said to me the only reason he doesn't want a divorce is because he doesn't want to be away from our son...but then 5 minutes later tells me he didn't mean it and he loves me etc

1. You have to tread on eggshells around him
2. He won’t let you buy a car, although I agree that you don’t need a 4 x 4 in London
3. He hides his finances from you
4. He doesn’t like you being financially independent
5. He doesn’t like you to be happy
6. Your friends have noticed his awful behaviour towards you
7. He doesn’t like you spending money on yourself
8. He sleeps on the sofa
9. He drinks too much

He is an abusive, controlling bully, yet you say he is a good father. No he isn’t. A good father doesn’t abuse the other parent of his child. He treats her with consideration and respect.

Maybe I'm just being naïve and trying to kid myself into thinking this awful marriage will ever work.

I’m sorry, but (kindly), yes I think you are. This is a very dysfunctional marriage and a terrible example to your child. He is a terrible role model to your son who will grow up thinking it is OK to treat women like chattels and with disrespect. I agree that he doesn’t like or care about you. Please stop looking at somewhere to move to and hang on to your money.

Go back and read my list and decide for yourself if you want to continue living like this.

You will get loads of support from other mumsnetters who can give you lots of very useful advice. Good luck on extricating yourself from this abusive waste of space.

He doesn't like you coming into money by the sounds of it

Why are you with this man he sounds nasty?

At this point I would be careful with my money as you might need this for the future. Make sure your money id safe and ring fenced from any divorce settlement.

Buy yourself the car to make life easier for you but if you are in central London you need a small car.

You are going to need to make some decisions about your marriage, take your time decide what you want. You will also need to know about his finances, so keep an eye out for paperwork, documents on salary, bonus and pension. Most of it is electronic so difficult to get hold of.

Sounds to me like he is shitting himself that you will leave him but still has the audacity to treat you so awfully. He’s just a controlling bully. You know what you need to do. He doesn’t deserve you.

Make sure your money is safe and ring fenced from any divorce settlement.

Please do this. Seek legal advice if necessary.

Use the money to get ahead from him!

Honestly OP I would use the money to set yourself and your toddler up with a house or flat of your own and leave him.

I couldn't live like that, always treading on eggshells and having every little bit of happiness snatched away. It's not good for your toddler either. My dad was like that and I grew up an anxious wreck who can't stop apologising for even having to breathe.

Fuck that. Take your chance, its been dropped in your lap, just go and have a happier life.

Crying is fine. You're allowed to cry for the loss of the marriage you thought you were going to have.

But may I suggest you invest some of your money in some counselling for you so that you can improve your self esteem and find the strength you need to ditch this man? You will be so much stronger. And you will be so much happier without him in the long run.

The power has changed in the relationship and he doesn't like it. He's always been the high earner, he doesn't like the fact that you now have your own business and inheritance, hence putting you down and being negative about any plans you make.

He sounds a thoroughly nasty man who you'd be better without. What a fun soaking misery ... you should both be planning all sorts of lovely things together. Surely the more money the pair of you earn/inherit the better!

Presumably though you have lost someone to inherit so much ... is he being supportive about that?

I meant to 'get away from him', not ahead

@BigSandyBalls2015

The power has changed in the relationship and he doesn't like it. He's always been the high earner, he doesn't like the fact that you now have your own business and inheritance, hence putting you down and being negative about any plans you make.

He sounds a thoroughly nasty man who you'd be better without. What a fun soaking misery ... you should both be planning all sorts of lovely things together. Surely the more money the pair of you earn/inherit the better!

Presumably though you have lost someone to inherit so much ... is he being supportive about that?

Exactly. We should be enjoying life together and he's just a misery day in day out.

I lost my dad. No, he hasn't been very nice about me losing my dad. He said to me the other day he doesn't give a F about my dad as look how I turned out.

When my dad first died he also said to me "oh well now you have one less person to call"

Would you want your son in a relationship like yours? I'm betting the answer is no. So why let him grow up seeing this shitshow as normal.

OP, this is a toxic marriage (I'm sorry).

If you get divorced, it will be a toxic divorce. I am astounded that any solicitor told you that your inheritance isn't a marital asset, because it would be in any 'normal' circumstances. At the very least, keeping your inheritance would mean that you would not be entitled to something else (your husband's pension, or equity from the marital home, for example). More normally, though, it would go into the pot along with everything your husband earns, possesses, etc (at which point you would find out exactly how much he has in earnings and savings - though I'd beware in case he tries to hide assets).

Walking on eggshells is awful.

@RampantIvy

Make sure your money is safe and ring fenced from any divorce settlement.

Please do this. Seek legal advice if necessary.

You can't do this. And imagine what the responses would be if it were a man suggesting that he do this!

Your last update makes sad about your situation, and even more angry about the way he treats you. You need to leave. And don't let him anywhere near that money.

Sorry for your loss

I lost my dad. No, he hasn't been very nice about me losing my dad. *He said to me the other day he doesn't give a F about my dad as look how I turned out.

When my dad first died he also said to me "oh well now you have one less person to call"*

No matter what he had thrown at you before, this is the point that you should have divorced him. I could never have spoken to him again if my DH had said that to me after my dad died. You deserve so much more. Take your son, use the money wisely and live free of his misery.

Please please please end this farce of a marriage.

Use your money to go to therapy to explore why you are staying with someone abusive and why you think it's ok for your DC to be subject to that as a role model.

He basically despises you!

New law comes in, in April take advantage and leave.