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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable to be upset about my husbands attitude?

261 replies

emmysworld · 07/01/2022 12:10

Morning everyone.

I'd like to know if I'm being unreasonable please.

I recently came into a very large amount of money, and I wanted to use a little bit of it to treat my husband and toddler to a family holiday soon.

I have discussed it with my husband many times and have said I'd really love to go to the Maldives (or somewhere similar) I went many times as a child and I think my toddler would absolutely love the open space, water and exploring.

I asked my husband this morning "if it's okay I think I'm going to go ahead and book the Maldives" already feeling like I'm treading on egg shells as I always do...and he turned around to me and said he has a problem with it and it's not okay but it's my money. He said the flight will be a nightmare with a toddler (I've flown alone with our toddler many times) and I think he's just being really ungrateful and spiteful because I'm paying for something for us.

I feel like I shouldn't even have to ask for permission to book a holiday (providing all is okay with his work etc)

I've also offered to buy our family car as we don't have one at the moment, as it's my money I'd like to buy a 4x4 but again he's being nasty About it and saying he would feel embarrassed driving it and it's a sh*t car...rather than being grateful for the fact we will have a car to get us from A-B without the need to hire one anymore.

I just feel like I can't win. Im trying to do nice things for us and I feel like his attitude is a slap in the face.. I may as well put the money towards a divorce at this rate. He's made me cry so many times.

Thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
emmysworld · 07/01/2022 12:44

@Whatayear81

Is he possibly coming at it from perspective that both suggestions are pretty appalling for the environment?
Lol! No. He's the least environmentally friendly person I know.
OP posts:
Whatayear81 · 07/01/2022 12:45

You posted a few months ago how deeply unhappy you were

And living in a very small flat

Is it possible he thinks it’s crazy to spend on that when both very unhappy and not living in a home that really warrants Maldives and new 4x4 cars?

Whatayear81 · 07/01/2022 12:46

Perhaps he doesn’t want you to spend the money
Knowing that the marriage is dead in the water?

Original poster
emmysworld · 07/01/2022 12:46

@Whatayear81

You posted a few months ago how deeply unhappy you were

And living in a very small flat

Is it possible he thinks it’s crazy to spend on that when both very unhappy and not living in a home that really warrants Maldives and new 4x4 cars?

No, because we aren't short on money.
OP posts:
Nsky · 07/01/2022 12:46

Having your own money is good, easier to be free!
He sounds miserable, addicted and a pain, get rid, you wouldn’t stand for this in a close friendship.
Well I wouldn’t

girlmom21 · 07/01/2022 12:46

@emmysworld

Surely to forever be on rightmove, one minute looking at a family home, the next looking at a home for my son and I just isn't healthy 😞 I just don't have the strength to leave or to accept the marriage isn't working
It'll take much less stress and energy long term than dealing with this fun-sucker for the next 30 years
Anordinarymum · 07/01/2022 12:47

Wow. He does not want you to pay for a holiday or a car because he is ashamed of the way he behaves towards you.
Keep your money safe. Spend some on yourself and don't be in a hurry to buy him a car since he does not deserve one and it looks as if you are trying too hard to buy his love

WeWashEverythingExceptLaundry · 07/01/2022 12:48

If ever there was proof of the adage about money not buying hapiness but letting you be miserable in style, this thread is it.

WorraLiberty · 07/01/2022 12:48

He's a great father, I can't fault his parenting skills. Partner - not so much.

He's suddenly become a great father? Because he wasn't looking like that at all on your other thread.

Great fathers don't leave the other parent totally unsupported, in trying to cope with family life etc.

Whatayear81 · 07/01/2022 12:48

Why not put the money towards a bigger home?

You were posting about the tiny home you lived in with only one bedroom

LittleOwl153 · 07/01/2022 12:48

So he earns £200k a year and you don't have a car? This is not about being able to afford a car - it is about choices. And I'm going to bet he doesn't want YOU to have access to a car as it will give you more options.

Stop wasting your money on this idiot. If you can protect it from him. Don't draw money from your business if he is not a Co director. Take some financial and legal advice and get rid. My guess is he won't want to disclose his assets on a form E for the divorce courts but will likely go after your cash!

Whatayear81 · 07/01/2022 12:48

Yes he’s done a 180 if suddenly a great father

Original poster
emmysworld · 07/01/2022 12:49

@WeWashEverythingExceptLaundry

If ever there was proof of the adage about money not buying hapiness but letting you be miserable in style, this thread is it.
😩😂 thanks
OP posts:
girlmom21 · 07/01/2022 12:49

@Whatayear81

Why not put the money towards a bigger home?

You were posting about the tiny home you lived in with only one bedroom

Why not read the updates rather than just repeating yourself?

They're moving house and she said she's offered to pay hundreds of thousands towards it

Whatsnewpussyhat · 07/01/2022 12:49

just don't have the strength to leave or to accept the marriage isn't working

You will find it. You may not have an opportunity like this again where you are financially in such a great place to provide for you and your child.
The alternative is a lifetime with a miserable, controlling arsehole.

CloudPop · 07/01/2022 12:50

He earns 200k a year and you live in a small flat and don't have a car?

Original poster
emmysworld · 07/01/2022 12:50

@Whatayear81

Yes he’s done a 180 if suddenly a great father
Just because he doesn't support me as a parent/partner towards our son doesn't mean he isn't good with our son.
OP posts:
Original poster
emmysworld · 07/01/2022 12:51

@CloudPop

He earns 200k a year and you live in a small flat and don't have a car?
Correct!
OP posts:
Sciurus83 · 07/01/2022 12:52

How do you know he earns a lot? You've never seen his bank account, you live in a 1 bed with a toddler, you have no car, where is this money? Do you live in a very expensive part of Central London or something? He could be lying, do you really know? Maybe that's why he drinks all the time. Anyway you need to leave, this is no life if there's no joy in it.

gsaoej · 07/01/2022 12:52

Get rid of him. It's divorce time.

Dozer · 07/01/2022 12:53

Good fathers don’t treat their partners badly. Spend money on suitable accommodation etc. Good fathers can be good fathers when separated from their exes!

Forget the holiday unless you and DS go alone!

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 07/01/2022 12:53

Is the relationship making you unhappy?

Can it be fixed?

If the answers are yes and no respectively, and you have the means to split, you should split. Sometimes it really is that simple.

nachocheese · 07/01/2022 12:53

@TheHatInTheCat

Have the holiday, buy the car, then divorce him.
This, but do the divorce first. He sounds like a controlling abusive knobhead.

Life is too short to be miserable. Don't fall for the sunken costs fallacy, or 'not wanting to be from a broken home'. Sometimes things just don't work out. Your happiness and mental health are worth so much more than living in this gilded cage. Take this opportunity and run.

Verv · 07/01/2022 12:53

It sounds like you have enough funds available to live independently.
It also sounds like you have the choice between spending the rest of your life with this man, or not.

Reading what little I have, I'd be looking at rental deposits with some of the windfall. A miserable life isnt worth the baubles.

WorraLiberty · 07/01/2022 12:53

Just because he doesn't support me as a parent/partner towards our son doesn't mean he isn't good with our son.

Being 'good' is the least I would expect from anyone around a child.

It's a million miles away from being a 'great father' though.

You made your boy together, you're raising your boy together, you should be supporting each other.

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