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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be in such trouble for seeing my son tonight.

338 replies

EllsandMum · 06/01/2022 23:56

My son has had quite difficult behavioural issues as a teen, due to a result of this he’s ended up in voluntary care.

I see him once a week of an evening to go for a meal or coffee as my husband won’t let him in the house.

Now every time it’s contact day my husband will pick all day and then just before it’s time to leave blow up an argument saying that I’m selfish asking him to look after the little ones because it’s not fair for him to cook tea for them whilst I’m on a jolly.

I said it’s 5-7 due to by the time he finishes school it’s easier that way and only once a week, I do tea bath etc every other night of the week.

My husband is saying that I’m abandoning our little ones for my son and it’s just breaking my heart as he’s saying it’s not doable and isn’t happening anymore.

I offered to do a different day but he said no because any day doesn’t work for him.

Now he’s asking me to move out.
I feel so alone and low.

OP posts:
Dottielottie123 · 07/01/2022 00:42

The police will not ignore it. Tell them you have nowhere to go, show them the messages and recordings, they will help you- they have to!

DowntonCrabby · 07/01/2022 00:42

You need help and support to leave the fucker ASAP.
Get your mum to read this thread to open her eyes to how serious this is, her religion does not trunk her DC and DGC being subjected to the most horrific control and abuse.

PastMyBestBeforeDate · 07/01/2022 00:42

This is so sad to read. Your poor son, pushed out by a man who's abusing you Flowers
Go to your mum's (you can't stay there) and ring Women's Aid and the council. The people sleeping in tents are likely single, bot mum's with children. Go anywhere he isn't and once you're safe do the Freedom Progra

DowntonCrabby · 07/01/2022 00:42

*trump

converseandjeans · 07/01/2022 00:42

Ellsandmum

He’s not the father, he took him on just before he was two and he was great with him, but when we had our own babies they were perfect and my son wasn’t…

Sorry but I think your sons behaviour is linked to how he is being treated. Yet he's the one who has had to move out of the family home. He was threatened that he wouldn't be allowed Christmas with his family. Did his behaviour change when his step siblings were born?

You need to get away from your partner and make amends with your eldest.

Your partner is controlling you and has driven your friends away and now your eldest son. He sounds awful.

Chloemol · 07/01/2022 00:43

Can your brother help for a while?

Seriously i would report to the police as domestic abuse, go to your mothers, then contact the council as you are overcrowded

Speak to woman’s aid and see what they say

But do something to leave, he is am abuser, and no example for any of your kids

I don’t know the history of your oldest, but bearing in mind how vile your husband is being are you sure he has not had a negative impact o n your eldest and that’s what part of the issue is?

RavingAnnie · 07/01/2022 00:43

If you still intend to go to the council in the morning, have a read of this first:

https://england.shelter.org.uk/housingadvice/homelessness/helppifyoureehomelessdomesticc_abuse

It would be a very good idea to talk to refuge before you go to the council as this will help as "evidence" of the abuse. It talks about that in the above link.

The number again is 0808 2000 247

Please call them.

Summerfun54321 · 07/01/2022 00:44

I’ve been peddling through life since I had my eldest at 16, I’m 29 now and I’m exhausted. Just so so tired of the fight.

You had a child whilst still a child then entered into an abusive relationship only 2 years later. I’m not surprised you’re exhausted. But you’re a fully grown adult now and leaving this awful awful man will set you free to start to enjoy your life and enjoy your children. Good luck Flowers.

RavingAnnie · 07/01/2022 00:47

I have to go to bed now. I will check back on this thread tomorrow. Really hope to hear you'll have managed to take some steps towards getting you and your children away from this man.

You can do this.

VioletLemon · 07/01/2022 00:48

OP, please believe me that your husband is very dangerous. You could be putting your children in danger, your son is already in danger and has been rendered vulnerable. You need to put them first. Not HIM. Please get out. This can end tonight. You choose. You can cope, just walk away, go to your Mums, call a lawyer, get free consultation, get him out, support your son, be happy.

MissMaple82 · 07/01/2022 00:50

What the actual fuck! You need to move out and divorce this sad excuse of a man!!!!!

MissMaple82 · 07/01/2022 00:51

I wouldn't be surprised of your sons issues are because of your husband!! Get rid

nettie434 · 07/01/2022 00:52

@EllsandMum

We’ve been on the brink of a marital breakdown for a while now. It’s hard as the way he words things makes me feel like I’m the one in the wrong. If I’d done more maybe it would be better, like maybe I am wrong to expect him to do bath and tea by himself whilst I go out for contact. It’s like I doubt my self constantly now. If I follow the rules everything is ok you know x
But everything isn't ok if you follow the rules because the rules keep changing. One time he accuses you of wanting to sleep with your sister's boyfriend and another time he says you are a lesbian because you were going to a work colleague's house. Not letting you wash your hair for days is an example of coercive control.

I can't tell you how awful it is to say you were on a 'jolly' because you were meeting your son.

I absolutely agree that you need to contact Refuge and you need to be persistent in asking for help. It's probably best not to rely on your mum because it is clearly not a long term solution.

Tigertigertigertiger · 07/01/2022 00:52

Please please find a way to leave this horrible man and take your children with you

GrandDuchessRomanov · 07/01/2022 00:54

You are being vilely abused Op and you and your children are suffering terribly for it.

Please get help, speak to someone irl, if not for your sake but that of your kids.

You DON'T have to live like this and your children certainly shouldn't have to.

ZombiePara · 07/01/2022 00:55

OP, if your brother had concerns over your P, will he take you in, even temporarily?

He is abusing you.
Financial abuse
Emotional abuse
Gaslighting

Being an all round general cunt.

Your little ones and you deserve better, and although Im not an expert... I'd be wary of it turning physical as well.

You are allowed a relationship with ALL of your children.

Gilead · 07/01/2022 00:59

Get out, he’s made your son the way he is. You will get benefits and housing, it may not be ideal at first. Why are you living with someone who refuses access to your children and yet refuses to look after his own?
I was you five years ago, accused of sleeping with my son’s friends and not being allowed out etc. I’m happy and healthy and well away from that arsehole now and despite all the threats under the son, none of our children have anything to do with him.
Get out.

FortunesFave · 07/01/2022 01:00

Call WOMEN'S AID. You need that cunt out of your house and for an occupation order to be put in place. and then you can get your son back.

DysmalRadius · 07/01/2022 01:01

Can you get in touch with your friend? Tell a neighbour what's going on? Honestly, there is nothing normal or ok about this and I am sure there are people who would and could help if they knew how dire it is. Presumably your older son has a social worker - could you talk to them about your home situation as I'm sure they would at least be able to signpost you to local sources of support. And your GP? This must be taking an awful toll on your mental and physical health, so making an appointment, even if it's just over the phone, would be a good start and also be a great way to document the situation you are in for official records when you are able to make your move.

I'm so sorry that you are in this position - it's clear that you feel trapped, but there are options for you to get help and the sooner you do, the better things will be for all of you, including your oldest son. If you could give a rough idea of where you are, there may be someone on here that knows of local charities or support services that might be worth contacting, although I agree with PP that women's aid is a good start.

FortunesFave · 07/01/2022 01:01

@Gilead

Get out, he’s made your son the way he is. You will get benefits and housing, it may not be ideal at first. Why are you living with someone who refuses access to your children and yet refuses to look after his own? I was you five years ago, accused of sleeping with my son’s friends and not being allowed out etc. I’m happy and healthy and well away from that arsehole now and despite all the threats under the son, none of our children have anything to do with him. Get out.
She probably won't get housing. She'll get put in a one bedroom hostel by the sound of where she's living. She needs to get the manchild out of the house...which she can do via an occupation order because he's abusive.
timeisnotaline · 07/01/2022 01:03

Omg your son is only 13!! The poor little boy. Your husband is a truly horrible nasty abusive man, there is no future where staying with him is a good idea for you or any of your dc (that he actively hates parenting). I can see there are obstacles and it’s not easy but please please call whoever you can, start a thread asking for info on getting out, you need to.
Poor little 13yo Sad

Mamanyt · 07/01/2022 01:04

I would be rid of this man so fast it would make your head spin. It isn't as if you are locking your younger children in a closet while you visit with your older son, after all. You are a parent, expecting the other parent will step in for a couple of hours ONE DAY A WEEK while you are busy being a parent elsewhere. He isn't worth it.

FortunesFave · 07/01/2022 01:07

england.shelter.org.uk/professional_resources/legal/relationship_breakdown/housing_rights_of_married_sole_homeowners/occupation_orders_for_sole_owners_and_their_married_or_civil_partners

OP call Women's Aid and they will help you. Don't worry about the occupation order if it's confusing right now....but you CAN get him out of that house AND help with the rent.

Womens Aid www.womensaid.org.uk/ there's a section on there which allows you to contact them online via a chat function AND it covers your tracks so if you share a device, your partner won't know you've contacted them.

AlternativePerspective · 07/01/2022 01:08

So what exactly did your son do?

You say that your husband told the younger kids about the crimes he has committed. Has he?

On the face of it your husband sounds vile, but whatever your son did must be fairly bad for him to have ended up in care. It’s almost impossible for a child to end up in care voluntarily due to a shortage of FC.

I’m by no means siding with your DH, but has your eldest put the younger ones at risk in some way hence why his attitude?

Sydendad · 07/01/2022 01:08

Wow this is very hard to read. It sound like you come from a toxic parental environment and had a child at a very young age. I think your personal development has stopped effectively at 16 when you had your eldest. You have as you say been struggling on from then on but haven't actually had the time to develop your sense of self, what you stand for , your self worth. It looks to me as if you are living by reacting to others and you are basically being cajoled like a rag dole between narcicistic husband's and toxic parents with you never standing still and making up your own mind.
You are a person in your own right and actually CAN make up your own mind and form your own opinions and decide what is right or wrong, what is acceptable to you and what isn't.
Stop listening to your husband or your mother and stop depending on their opinions or advice or assistance or even existence.
Start making your own decisions and if other don't agree with it then tough. If you think it's right then it is so.
You want to see your son, then do so, you don't need your husband's permission.
You think your husband should be able to take care of them one afternoon, then you tell him so as a matter of fact. You are going to see your son and he will have to take care of them. End of story.
You feel your life would better without him then make it so. Don't keep trying, start doing: contact a local sector to you www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/.
Start talking to someone there and get confirmation that you are not mad and you need out.
Start collecting all paperwork that you need to make it by yourself. Birth certificates, bills with your name on them, passports, bank account access etc. If you don't have your own account then set one up.
Record conversations, threats, abuse as much as you can.
Make a plan with the help of someone at women's aide.
Do an effort to make out of home friends and contacts.
Execute your plan and leave with your kids.

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