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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be in such trouble for seeing my son tonight.

338 replies

EllsandMum · 06/01/2022 23:56

My son has had quite difficult behavioural issues as a teen, due to a result of this he’s ended up in voluntary care.

I see him once a week of an evening to go for a meal or coffee as my husband won’t let him in the house.

Now every time it’s contact day my husband will pick all day and then just before it’s time to leave blow up an argument saying that I’m selfish asking him to look after the little ones because it’s not fair for him to cook tea for them whilst I’m on a jolly.

I said it’s 5-7 due to by the time he finishes school it’s easier that way and only once a week, I do tea bath etc every other night of the week.

My husband is saying that I’m abandoning our little ones for my son and it’s just breaking my heart as he’s saying it’s not doable and isn’t happening anymore.

I offered to do a different day but he said no because any day doesn’t work for him.

Now he’s asking me to move out.
I feel so alone and low.

OP posts:
Scirocco · 07/01/2022 00:29

Your husband is abusing you and your children. You need to get away from him and rebuild your lives. He's controlling you and manipulating your children, including actively trying to alienate them from each other. Yes, your eldest may have difficulties, but he's still their brother - unless there's something truly horrendous like CSA in what he's done, then surely he and his siblings should be getting support to have functional relationships with each other.

Is there somewhere you and the children could go to, away from him? A relative? Emergency accommodation through Women's Aid?

Barbiesarm · 07/01/2022 00:31

Talk to your mum, your brother, the family you mentioned in your previous post. Tell them you have seen him for what he is and want to leave, are any of them in a position to help?

afizzysweet · 07/01/2022 00:31

My mum is going to have a think about whether I can go there but she hasn’t got much room… I am going to try housing again in the morning.

Does she know the extent of things? It shouldn't matter if she doesn't have much room!

MizzFizz · 07/01/2022 00:32

It’s hard as the way he words things makes me feel like I’m the one in the wrong. If I’d done more maybe it would be better, like maybe I am wrong to expect him to do bath and tea by himself whilst I go out for contact. It’s like I doubt my self constantly now.

This is how abusers work, sadly. They keep you in their grasp by gaslighting you into feeling like it's all your fault. It is NOT your fault! You need support, the situation with your 13-year-old sounds so hard. Any decent human being would bend over backwards to help you see your son and help him. Your partner is an abuser. Get out however you can ❤️

Dottielottie123 · 07/01/2022 00:32

Omg this is awful, please please leave. Go to your mothers. This is desperately sad, I feel awful for you and your son. One day his own children will do something he doesn’t like and he will banish them too and expect you to follow. If he cannot handle his children for 2 hours once a week he’s hardly going to want to have custody of them, so either ask him to leave or tell him you are and taking the children. Write everything down, keep all the horrible messages he’s sending you, and from this moment now never ever let his opinion or words come between your relationship with your son. Praying for you x

LondonQueen · 07/01/2022 00:32

What a twat. You should take your children and leave him, he clearly isn't capable of being a father if he can't manage for 2 hours...

elliejjtiny · 07/01/2022 00:32

I'm so sorry this is happening. I have no advice just an unmumsnetty hug.

Original poster
EllsandMum · 07/01/2022 00:33

My mum is a very strict catholic and is quite angry at the thought of me being a single parent again so it’s kind of clouding over the issues that are going on. Her reply before was ‘I know you wont, but get in bed and cuddle him, that has fixed many arguments’

OP posts:
FabriqueBelgique · 07/01/2022 00:34

Get this man out of your life and focus on your kids. Life’s too short! Don’t pander to him a moment longer.

MobyDicksTinyCanoe · 07/01/2022 00:34

Christ no wonder your son has issues living with thaf dickhead...... Get your little ones away from him before they end up going the same way

RavingAnnie · 07/01/2022 00:35

Yes please contact refuge and ask for some advice 0808 2000 247. Its free, open 24 hrs.

afizzysweet · 07/01/2022 00:35

My mum is a very strict catholic and is quite angry at the thought of me being a single parent again so it’s kind of clouding over the issues that are going on. Her reply before was ‘I know you wont, but get in bed and cuddle him, that has fixed many arguments’

Have you got any other family that you can go to?
I can't believe this would be a mother's response in an abusive situation. If she knows the extent of things and this is what she has said then she is no better than him.

SuffolkDreams · 07/01/2022 00:35

Do you realise that it’s you husband that’s the problem here, not your son?!

OldWivesTale · 07/01/2022 00:35

Your poor, poor son. Please leave this abusive man and get your son back home where he belongs.

Original poster
EllsandMum · 07/01/2022 00:36

I’m trying….

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 07/01/2022 00:38

Have you got many messages on your phone from your DH that illustrates his abuse?

RavingAnnie · 07/01/2022 00:38

@EllsandMum

My mum is a very strict catholic and is quite angry at the thought of me being a single parent again so it’s kind of clouding over the issues that are going on. Her reply before was ‘I know you wont, but get in bed and cuddle him, that has fixed many arguments’
Oh Jesus, ffs. This is NOT a bit of an argument that can be resolved with a cuddle. You are being abused. Is there a friend or other family member who can support you who has a better understanding of what's really happening here?
Original poster
EllsandMum · 07/01/2022 00:38

I’ve got messages and I’ve been voice recording where I can. I managed to get the Christmas threats in voice recording.

OP posts:
ChicCroissant · 07/01/2022 00:38

Did you post about this before OP, about Christmas lunch? Because if that was you, you're getting the same answers again.

Winterautumn · 07/01/2022 00:38

Get your husband out and your son back home where he belongs

Original poster
EllsandMum · 07/01/2022 00:39

No croissant, never posted this before. Sadly two in the same boat it seems x

OP posts:
JustLyra · 07/01/2022 00:40

Please speak to women’s aid

dreamingofdoncaster · 07/01/2022 00:40

@EllsandMum go to the police station in the morning and tell them everything. Take your kids and tell them that you're not going home.
Think of it as the first day of the rest of your life.
Listen to those little panicky butterflies at the bottom of your stomach. Yes it's scary but you deserve so much better. You can do this. Imagine a life without the fear and anxiety about what he is going to accuse you of next.
You can do it, you are strong enough.

Original poster
EllsandMum · 07/01/2022 00:40

My husband got the landlord on side they’re pretty close knit, so he’s told him the one sided events of my sons life and he said it’s the right choice for him not to live here.

Every angle of my life is so abnormal with everyone ignoring my cries for help.

OP posts:
VioletLemon · 07/01/2022 00:41

This husband is not worth losing your son over. Set up home with your son, or introduce him gradually. He must feel extremely rejected. Time to get away from an abusive relationship. Contact a lawyer and ask your GP to refer you for counselling.

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