Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To be in such trouble for seeing my son tonight.

338 replies

EllsandMum · 06/01/2022 23:56

My son has had quite difficult behavioural issues as a teen, due to a result of this he’s ended up in voluntary care.

I see him once a week of an evening to go for a meal or coffee as my husband won’t let him in the house.

Now every time it’s contact day my husband will pick all day and then just before it’s time to leave blow up an argument saying that I’m selfish asking him to look after the little ones because it’s not fair for him to cook tea for them whilst I’m on a jolly.

I said it’s 5-7 due to by the time he finishes school it’s easier that way and only once a week, I do tea bath etc every other night of the week.

My husband is saying that I’m abandoning our little ones for my son and it’s just breaking my heart as he’s saying it’s not doable and isn’t happening anymore.

I offered to do a different day but he said no because any day doesn’t work for him.

Now he’s asking me to move out.
I feel so alone and low.

OP posts:
Contactmap · 07/01/2022 00:09

I begged for him to stay over on Christmas Eve and he said if I did I wouldn’t be allowed to my mums for Christmas dinner.
How did he plan to stop you?

JeffThePilot · 07/01/2022 00:09

@imip

Was your husband the source of your son’s issues?
This w my thought too, and it sounds very much as if that is the case.

OP, get rid of the husband, work on repairing things with your son.

afizzysweet · 07/01/2022 00:09

Agreed to contact women's aid.
He said my son chose to get involved in bad stuff (he’s 13) and the little ones did not choose this so therefore I should be focusing on them. I begged for him to stay over on Christmas Eve and he said if I did I wouldn’t be allowed to my mums for Christmas dinner. I just feel like the worst mum in the world.

This is appalling. How old are the LOs?

TheCatterall · 07/01/2022 00:09

Why are you letting another adult control what you can do to this extent? It’s abhorrent that he told you if you have your son round on Christmas Day you can’t see your own mother. Who the fuck is he to control you like that?

What was your husband like with him before your eldest started going off the rails (I mean that in the kindest way - mine did the same and it was some tough love and having him removed from the home for a while that helped - now 22 and like a different lad). Was he a loving supportive father etc?

Please please sit back and asses this situation and other areas of your relationship. Anything else he doesn’t like you doing or makes it difficult for you to do?

If you were off with mates for 2 hours do you reckon there would be no issue in him managing to look after his own kids for 2 hours?

Please assess how happy you are with all areas of your relationship. Do you love him. Is he good for you and the kids. Is he someone you can see being with when the kids have all left home? Retiring and being elderly together? Or are you with him still as you have kids together and you don’t know what else to do?

Original poster
EllsandMum · 07/01/2022 00:09

My brother and my family tried to warn me a while ago that the way he spoke to/about my eldest wasn’t right but I was naive and just thought they didn’t understnad how hard my eldest was… now I’m so stuck. I just don’t know where to turn, I’ve spent weeks on the phone to housing hoping an emergency slot would come up but there’s nothing at all. They’ve advised to private rent but I have no deposit or savings on my own.

OP posts:
afizzysweet · 07/01/2022 00:10

Oops sorry I meant to quote the bit about him briefing your kids on his crimes.

JasmineGarden · 07/01/2022 00:11

Who the fuck does he think he is telling you where you can or can't go?

It sounds like the place would be too expensive for you on your own anyway?!

Can you & the little ones stay with your mum until you get a place sorted out?

thepeopleversuswork · 07/01/2022 00:11

@imip

Was your husband the source of your son’s issues?
I was wondering this too.

He sounds an utter disgrace. What kind of man kicks off about having to parent his own children while his wife goes to visit a child in care? And what's happened to you to make you think this is OK?

OP I've read some awful shit on her in my time but this is genuinely chilling. You need to think about how this will impact your two younger children and start making plans to leave.

Original poster
EllsandMum · 07/01/2022 00:12

There are other areas of concern. If I wash my hair I get accused of being ready to seek attention, I’ve now not washed it for 11 days. My mum took a photo of me next to the tree over Christmas and I put it as my profile picture he said only sluts do that when they’re married and then accused me of sleeping with my 17 year old sisters boyfriend because he liked the photo.

OP posts:
CaroleFuckingBaskin · 07/01/2022 00:12

Is he the father of your 13 year old?
I'm sorry but he is a cunt. Won't allow you 2 hours with your son, bastard.

Pantsomime · 07/01/2022 00:12

It sounds like your DH aid the source of your son’s problems. Stick to your guns, you have to see your son. I think you also have to start thinking about leaving your DH too, but for now don’t stop seeing your son. If it’s easier, can you make food for the younger ones? You absolutely shouldn’t have to but sometimes it’s the line of least resistance

Original poster
EllsandMum · 07/01/2022 00:13

He’s not the father, he took him on just before he was two and he was great with him, but when we had our own babies they were perfect and my son wasn’t…

OP posts:
JeffThePilot · 07/01/2022 00:13

The Joe you say OP, the worse it gets. He’s abusive.

Mum233 · 07/01/2022 00:13

Not much help but some places offer rentals for no deposit. We’ve done this and pay a little extra each month instead x

JeffThePilot · 07/01/2022 00:14

*more, not Joe. I don’t know who Joe is.

thepeopleversuswork · 07/01/2022 00:14

@EllsandMum

There are other areas of concern. If I wash my hair I get accused of being ready to seek attention, I’ve now not washed it for 11 days. My mum took a photo of me next to the tree over Christmas and I put it as my profile picture he said only sluts do that when they’re married and then accused me of sleeping with my 17 year old sisters boyfriend because he liked the photo.
You have to get away from this man ASAP. This is unhinged and dangerous. Is there anywhere you could go in the short term while you get sorted?
SophieKat1982 · 07/01/2022 00:15

Agree with the others. If it were me, I would ask my mum if I could move in with her and take the kids. And I would very much be doing everything I could to get my teen back with me, too.

I wish you luck.

Original poster
EllsandMum · 07/01/2022 00:15

Where we live there was an article about people sleeping in tents due to the housing crisis, rents are London prices too. It’s just an impossible situation.

OP posts:
afizzysweet · 07/01/2022 00:15

Please assess how happy you are with all areas of your relationship. Do you love him. Is he good for you and the kids. Is he someone you can see being with when the kids have all left home? Retiring and being elderly together? Or are you with him still as you have kids together and you don’t know what else to do?

I don't mean this horribly but these are the wrong questions. I would consider
You may love him but does he treat you kindly and with respect
Does he ever manipulate you or your feelings
Do you ever feel blackmailed
Does he cause problems between your children (clear yes here) and manipulate them
Does he attempt to control your actions
Is he supportive
Does he make you feel belittled
Does he make you feel scared
Does he make you feel alone
Does he make you feel like you're doing things wrong

If the answer to these is yes on a regular basis then please seek help for both you and your children. You can love somebody and they can still be abusive and bad for your family.

scurryfunger · 07/01/2022 00:16

OP this is not ok, he is really abusive and I really think you need to talk to someone about your options. Can some one at MN please help this poor woman get some support.

MizzFizz · 07/01/2022 00:16

OP sorry if I missed it but can you go stay with family or friends until you can find work and housing? You are being abused and need to get out. He has abused you to the point you haven't washed your hair for 11 days for fear of angering him. He has abused you to the point of (attempting) stopping you seeing your 13-year-old child! Please find any way you can to get away from this monster.

CaroleFuckingBaskin · 07/01/2022 00:16

Could you move in with your mum temporarily? How many children do you have?

givemepiece · 07/01/2022 00:16

Oh op reading each of your posts breaks my heart. They're getting worse with each one.

You are being abused. Is it possible to move to your mums? You have to leave this situation, he is awful. I'm so sorry.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 07/01/2022 00:17

Get that fucker to move out. How dare he. Does he think you are a servant and do all the cooking, cleaning and slaving at all times.

SalmonEile · 07/01/2022 00:17

Well if he’s been in your sons life since he was 2 then I’d wager a lot of your sons issues are down to him
I’m sorry OP I hope you and your children can get the help you need

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread