To be in such trouble for seeing my son tonight.

[EllsandMum]

My son has had quite difficult behavioural issues as a teen, due to a result of this he’s ended up in voluntary care.

I see him once a week of an evening to go for a meal or coffee as my husband won’t let him in the house.

Now every time it’s contact day my husband will pick all day and then just before it’s time to leave blow up an argument saying that I’m selfish asking him to look after the little ones because it’s not fair for him to cook tea for them whilst I’m on a jolly.

I said it’s 5-7 due to by the time he finishes school it’s easier that way and only once a week, I do tea bath etc every other night of the week.

My husband is saying that I’m abandoning our little ones for my son and it’s just breaking my heart as he’s saying it’s not doable and isn’t happening anymore.

I offered to do a different day but he said no because any day doesn’t work for him.

Now he’s asking me to move out.
I feel so alone and low.

Aww this is awful. He is abusing you as PP said, can you temporarily stay with your brother until something comes up.

If you are then homeless do you not go up the priority list. Could you afford the house if the police got him out and then you claimed all the benefits available.

Do not give up on your son, keep contact and rebuild that relationship. If your son is owed and apology because of your husbands behaviour towards him, start with that and then build on it.

Women’s Aid.

It seems to me that for him protesting that he can't cover for 2-3 hours is the easiest way to stop you visiting your son. He is a broad range abuser - strategic incompetence, gaslighting, threats, demeaning comments. He leaves no stone unturned and no avenue unexplored. Was it his idea that you be a sahm? Were some of the reasons the following - you would only get a minimum wage job/ financially it makes no sense because your wage wouldn't cover childcare/ you wouldn't be able to cope working and looking after the house/ I'm thinking of you. No recognition that he should be paying half of all childcare. A partner would be encouraging their 18 partner to get qualified, giving you time in the evenings/weekend. Excuse me if you managed to get qualifications I am assuming that being a single parent at 16 may have made it difficult if not impossible. Did he appeal to your mother to back him up? She seems to believe in him, somewhat blindly imo! A cuddle . . . I don't think so. Sending you strength, may this year see you with all your children and free of him.

@EllsandMum

Since I dropped the children to school I’ve been to housing, they said they’re very sorry but an already bad situation with housing over here has only been worsened by Covid and the emergency list is a year long. We only have 18 emergency bedsits here and they’re all taken and no social housing available. Ive phoned all of the local winterlets and none are available. I just give up.

@EllsandMum I could have written your message before I got out. Please please keep trying womens aid - they are amazing and can give you support on every level. The first few times I called they were busy but it didn't take long for me to get through eventually. The two women I spoke to saved my life.

What made me take action to leave with my DC was reading posts on here and the advice of others that helped me see I had to leave. I so hope the same happens for you. Womens aid can advise you on housing if you wish to remain in your home but the council cannot turn you away if you present as homeless due to fleeing domestic abuse with your DC. They will try and push you to privately rent but they cannot turn you away if you are fleeing domestic abuse. This is what I did and spent time in 3 different emergency and then temporary accomodations with my 2 DC before getting a housing association flat. It was the scariest, hardest thing I've ever done but I am now grateful every day that we are free from his abuse and have a safe home. Your partner is abusive in all of the ways previous posters have said. He is dangerous and will destroy your and your Dcs lives. He will not change. Get out and free yourself and your children of his abuse. Sending you strength and determination.

@EllsandMum have been thinking about and hope you are alright

OP, I have only glanced through the threads. However, I just wanted to say that I was in a similar situation.
Have you a relative that you can stay with? When I moved with our eldest (who has SEN) to stay with my sister, my sister wrote a letter giving us 'notice' and we were put on Gold Band for emergency housing.

We found a small house and moved in. My youngest (then a younger teen) lived with my husband, but, once we had a home, he moved with us.
I know this is a gross simplification of a terrible situation (Children's social care wanted us to agree to voluntary fostering for our youngest), but I will add that my youngest son's behavioural issues were directly the result of my ex husband's behaviour.
My youngest is 20 now, and he still has very aggressive tendencies (learnt behaviour), but he is much better than he was. My eldest now lives independently.
As others have said, your partner's controlling behaviour and abuse is as dangerous to your younger children as it is to you.

Thinking of you OP! We are all still here rooting for you and hoping for the best! I hope you are ok.

@EllsandMum

He said my son chose to get involved in bad stuff (he’s 13) and the little ones did not choose this so therefore I should be focusing on them. I begged for him to stay over on Christmas Eve and he said if I did I wouldn’t be allowed to my mums for Christmas dinner. I just feel like the worst mum in the world.

How was he going to stop you going to your Mum for dinner? His desire to punish you for having your son at Christmas is despicable It is vital to keep visiting your son and making small steps to reintegrate him into the family. Will your husband ever accept that? If not, then you have some serious decisions to make.

Please get some help OP. This is no way for you and your children to live. Womens aid, CAB, Shelter, if your older son has a social worker. Please speak to someone. Would your mum help you?

Oh dear God, your Husband sounds like he is the root of your sons problems. How dare he dictate to you about seeing him, and Christmas he was particularly cruel.
You are not a bad Mum, but you need to get away from him, please. Your poor son, having his family taken away from him.
Your husband is a bully and a controller, please work out some way to leave, please .

Hi op, I know it's been a long time, but this thread had been heartbreaking to read. Do you have any updates? Hope everything is ok and you're with all your children in a safe place.

You are currently trying to cope with a coercive controller who tries to dictate who you can spend time with, isolates you from your closest family, refuses to take responsibility for coparenting his own children, and is intent on keeping you dependent and in the place he decides is yours - at home obeying him.

This is going to get worse. Adolescence is a fragile vulnerable time and he's proved himself to be less use than a chocolate teapot in helping your eldest child navigate it. Your youngers have it all to come - he will not be any better equipped to cope with it then.

Do you want this to be your life?

Do you want this to be the model you give your children for what relationships and family life and parenting are?

There are so many personal accounts like yours on MN, with practical realistic advice on how to cope.

I hope you can find the strength and authoritative support you need .

Get rid of the Tosser
He is carrying out Emotional and Financial abuse on you OP.

I have been there. Took me too long to get rid (I have now) but you have a chance now. Do not leave. He needs to leave.
Saying you can't go to your own MUM's for Christmas Dinner?!
Bloke is a pig quite frankly

I'm betting the teen son is your child, the stepson to DH, and the "little ones" are yours and DH;s.

DH can't cook tea for his own children once a week? . What a prize you've got there

This thread is 8 months old

Hope you’re okay OP

Just as I thought : -( Another stepchild rejected by new partner and used as a weapon to abuse his mother with.

When your little children become challenging teenagers, he's going to be vile to them too. Leave now.

OP, you can call the police and have him arrested for emotional and verbal abuse. He can be removed from the property.
Has he ever been physical with you?

I hope you left that absolute fucker. Your poor son.

Zombie thread

You need to contact womens aid and plan a move to refuge. Housing will have to help then.
I expect your eldest problems start from having an abusive stepfather and its going to be difficult to turn things round there. But if you leave your abuser you may be able to mend the relationship somewhat.
Is your son happy in Foster care?
Have you been honest with his social worker about the reason for the family background being your husband and the abuse you are experiencing and asked for help to leave?

Didn't see it was a zombie thread 🙄

Hope you are in a better place now.

He sounds controlling and coercive - try to get as much as you can in writing and recorded any threats etc

he can’t tell you to move out

but a court get you help

womens aid is your best bet here
your husband is abusive and controlling

@DomPom47
Zombie thread

Really hope you left and are in a better place now, @EllsandMum, your poor son -your DH sounds absolutely foul and who the hell does he think he is telling you you can't see your mum or your child?!
He's controlling, and emotionally abusive.
Get you all out of there before mental health gets to suffer any more for you all.
A definite LTB and I never say that lightly