To be in such trouble for seeing my son tonight.

[EllsandMum]

My son has had quite difficult behavioural issues as a teen, due to a result of this he’s ended up in voluntary care.

I see him once a week of an evening to go for a meal or coffee as my husband won’t let him in the house.

Now every time it’s contact day my husband will pick all day and then just before it’s time to leave blow up an argument saying that I’m selfish asking him to look after the little ones because it’s not fair for him to cook tea for them whilst I’m on a jolly.

I said it’s 5-7 due to by the time he finishes school it’s easier that way and only once a week, I do tea bath etc every other night of the week.

My husband is saying that I’m abandoning our little ones for my son and it’s just breaking my heart as he’s saying it’s not doable and isn’t happening anymore.

I offered to do a different day but he said no because any day doesn’t work for him.

Now he’s asking me to move out.
I feel so alone and low.

This is heartbreaking

You are being abused, it sounds like.your son was abused too. Your mum is not an ally unfortunately. You can fix this but it's going to be difficult and uncomfortable but I promise it will be worth it love. Call Woman's Aid, call your council's homeless team, hell call the police and report the coercive control. You can turn your life around and get your son back on track but you need to get away from this disgusting cunt of a man.

You're still so young, I wish I could channel strength to you but you have to find it yourself. Please act on this

@ghostyslovesheets

He’s a cunt - stand up for your kids - he needs to leave

This

@AlternativePerspective

So what exactly did your son do?

You say that your husband told the younger kids about the crimes he has committed. Has he?

On the face of it your husband sounds vile, but whatever your son did must be fairly bad for him to have ended up in care. It’s almost impossible for a child to end up in care voluntarily due to a shortage of FC.

I’m by no means siding with your DH, but has your eldest put the younger ones at risk in some way hence why his attitude?

"... hence his attitude?" Are you for real? Why would the child's crimes have anything to do with OP not being allowed to wash her hair, have friends, or go to her mother's house??

She probably won't get housing. She'll get put in a one bedroom hostel by the sound of where she's living. She needs to get the manchild out of the house...which she can do via an occupation order because he's abusive.

She could also apply for help elsewhere. People fleeing domestic abuse can apply anywhere in the country.

OP someone close to me suffered domestic violence. I know some local authorities might try to weasel out of their duty to rehouse but they do have a legal duty. However, also, simply being homeless with children makes someone automatically eligible for housing assistance. A pp is right. The poor sods living in tents will be single without children (or whose children are adults). It's disgusting that we live in the world's fifth largest economy yet have vulnerable people left without a home but that's not something that is relevant in OP's case.

The National Domestic Abuse helpline or Women's Aid will support you and can find you a refuge place. The person I know had an initially unhelpful response (occasionally it happens) but she didn't have children at the time (there's additional safeguarding issues when children are involved). But also she tried again and got the help she needed. It's not often there's a bad response but I'm telling you her experience so you know not to give up just in case you get the one crap worker/volunteer out of many great ones.

You can also speak to your GP or social services.

Thank you for some of the fantastic advice tonight. I am noting this all for tomorrow. I just can’t wait to be free.

As for your mum. My family is catholic on one side. Not that you should put your mum's religious beliefs before your children and your own safety and well-being but it's strange she's so hung up on you simply separating. You'd still be married, which is what matters to the church. Even if you did what I think you should do and get a legal divorce, you'll still be married in the eyes of the Catholic Church.

Wishing you every bit of luck and strength OP. It's not easy to leave. It's very very hard, but you can do this

You are being abused and your son has been too. It’s likely his issues stem from his step father. Please stop this while you can, I know adult men who still carry a lot of trauma from very similar situations. He won’t be a lovely father to his own children either. He’s already being a bad dad abusing their mother and speaking inappropriately to them.

Contact your local housing authority, social services and women’s aid. Housing crisis or not you there will be somewhere for you if you speak up and tell people what you’ve told us all here. You deserve a safe home and someone that loves you and all your children.

Op please call woman's aid asap you need support to help break his control keep all important documents hidden

I don't think I've ever read a more heart breaking thread

Please take your babies and run, you all deserve much more than this x

Oh sweetheart, I wish I could reach through the phone and give you a hug..

Does he go out to work? If so spend tomorrow (or today as the case may be) gathering up all relevant paperwork, your birth certificate, the DC's, passports etc etc and any precious belongings. Hide the bag somewhere he won't find it, then make a plan.

You are strong, dig deep and find that strength.

This is heartbreaking, please ask for help from women’s aid and please read about Gaslighting, Narcissistic Abuse, there’s also videos on YouTube. But if he can see or check your browsing history, you have to be careful, only use Private/Incognito mode on the browser.

Some of my work covers DV victims. Housing is a real issue currently, as many who leave it is declared by some housing authorities are "no longer at risk, now they have left, so no housing duty is owed" I'm thinking it may be easier to get him to move out. However speak to womens aid BEFORE taking any action, including leaving.

As most other posters have said, you are being abused. Your poor son has been pushed out of his home by this man. Call Women's Aid and get out of there. This is damaging you and it is damaging ALL of your children.

I feel desperately sorry for your 13 year old child; a stepfather who clearly hates him (and has likely been abusing him for years too), in care, visited for 2 hours per week by his mother and the whole time she's there she's getting messages telling her to give up on her own son.

Sorry to be clear on my post above, if you take the children with you there would be a housing duty owed, but likely you would not be considered an emergency. In some south west areas the current wait in the highest band can be 18months. If you are assessed as needing refuge then you would be in the high priority group. Again, and I cant stress this enough, get advice first.

I’m not sure how healthy it is for you to have a relationship with a mother who would rather you stay in an abusive situation to please some religious idea of purity. Jesus would most definitely not judge you for getting your children away from this man ‘let the children come to me’ he said. Tell your mother only satan would advise people to stay and be abused, Jesus taught people compassion which your mother seems to sorely lack.

I thought that I couldnt escape abuse, then something happened that left me with no choice.

I coped. I did all the things that I had thought I couldnt, that stopped me leaving.

You can do it too. Sometimes, jumping into deep water is the only to find that you really can swim.

I am on the West/East Mids border, if I can help then please do PM me.

As @iknowimcoming says
You wouldn't be ALLOWED to go to your own mums? Please talk to someone about him, your mum or a friend or womens aid - this is abuse and you and all of your kids will be better off away from this awful man
This.
This is coercive control of the worst sort. Please find a way to leave.

Where is your ds living? Does he have a social worker? If so it may be good to speak to them to ask for help, you can explain the situation as it may help get to the root of your ds problems & they may be able to help you get away with your younger dc & be with your older boy. Speak to Women's Aid & Shelter for more advice. While you are still in the family home get things in order, copies of your husband's payslips, bank statements etc, your & your dc birth certificates, passports etc. Do you have someone you trust who could look after some belongings for you, clothing, any special possessions, things for the dc? Don't ever be afraid of speaking to the police, most forces have someone who deals with domestic abuse. You need to get you, your younger dc & your ds away from this monster.

@EllsandMum

We’ve been on the brink of a marital breakdown for a while now. It’s hard as the way he words things makes me feel like I’m the one in the wrong. If I’d done more maybe it would be better, like maybe I am wrong to expect him to do bath and tea by himself whilst I go out for contact. It’s like I doubt my self constantly now. If I follow the rules everything is ok you know x

Hi OP. The council may be able to help you seek private renting as they will provide the deposit etc. Don’t lose hope and get proactive. Speak to Women’s Aid and call social service’s in your area. Explain to them what is going on.

Your children need you and this man has to go; he’s not good for anyone.

"I’m by no means siding with your DH, but has your eldest put the younger ones at risk in some way hence why his attitude?"

And how could that explain the way he treats the OP? Have you read all her comments?

@EllsandMum

There are other areas of concern. If I wash my hair I get accused of being ready to seek attention, I’ve now not washed it for 11 days. My mum took a photo of me next to the tree over Christmas and I put it as my profile picture he said only sluts do that when they’re married and then accused me of sleeping with my 17 year old sisters boyfriend because he liked the photo.

Oh my God 😲 he is a monster

@EllsandMum

I don’t really have any friends no. My only friend was an old work colleague but because she was single and treated me to a white company candle for my birthday he accused me of being a lesbian with her and asked me to avoid going to her house and only a restaurant so nothing could happen.

What a loser

Jesus wept. This is one of the worst things I've read on here.

get things in order, copies of your husband's payslips, bank statements etc, your & your dc birth certificates, passports etc.

Excellent advice. Do this as fast as you can and get advice ASAP tomorrow. I presume he'll be at work, so you can try and get help while he's out?

Your children should not be told not to see their brother, your 13 yo needs to see his mum and needs to know some love and find the way out of this. You need some people behind you. You know what he is saying is wrong op, you know you’re not swanning off, you know you deserve to see your mum with all of your kids and wash your hair and not feel unhappy or belittled.