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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be in such trouble for seeing my son tonight.

338 replies

EllsandMum · 06/01/2022 23:56

My son has had quite difficult behavioural issues as a teen, due to a result of this he’s ended up in voluntary care.

I see him once a week of an evening to go for a meal or coffee as my husband won’t let him in the house.

Now every time it’s contact day my husband will pick all day and then just before it’s time to leave blow up an argument saying that I’m selfish asking him to look after the little ones because it’s not fair for him to cook tea for them whilst I’m on a jolly.

I said it’s 5-7 due to by the time he finishes school it’s easier that way and only once a week, I do tea bath etc every other night of the week.

My husband is saying that I’m abandoning our little ones for my son and it’s just breaking my heart as he’s saying it’s not doable and isn’t happening anymore.

I offered to do a different day but he said no because any day doesn’t work for him.

Now he’s asking me to move out.
I feel so alone and low.

OP posts:

Believer99 · 07/01/2022 00:17

My heart breaks for your 13 year old he still needs his mum just as much as the younger ones if not more. Ring womens aid get out of this any which way you can and bring your son home. NEVER Ever let a man bully you into abusing your own child.

You need to gather every bit of strength you have and sort this out.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 07/01/2022 00:17

This is a very abusive relationship. It sounds as though your older child has been the victim of your husband as well.

Please contact Women's Aid who will.be able to advise you.

Original poster

EllsandMum · 07/01/2022 00:18

We’ve been on the brink of a marital breakdown for a while now. It’s hard as the way he words things makes me feel like I’m the one in the wrong. If I’d done more maybe it would be better, like maybe I am wrong to expect him to do bath and tea by himself whilst I go out for contact. It’s like I doubt my self constantly now. If I follow the rules everything is ok you know x

OP posts:

afizzysweet · 07/01/2022 00:19

There are other areas of concern. If I wash my hair I get accused of being ready to seek attention, I’ve now not washed it for 11 days. My mum took a photo of me next to the tree over Christmas and I put it as my profile picture he said only sluts do that when they’re married and then accused me of sleeping with my 17 year old sisters boyfriend because he liked the photo.*

Please leave him OP and please take your kids with you. Call women's aid for some advice and find somewhere you can go where he can't follow you.

thepeopleversuswork · 07/01/2022 00:19

@EllsandMum

Where we live there was an article about people sleeping in tents due to the housing crisis, rents are London prices too. It’s just an impossible situation.

It's tough I agree but not impossible. Have you spoken to Women's Aid? There are tons of people on here with first hand experience of this. You need to get on it though and you'll need to be determined as its not easy getting through to them. But you know this isn't right.

Nanny0gg · 07/01/2022 00:19

@EllsandMum

He said my son chose to get involved in bad stuff (he’s 13) and the little ones did not choose this so therefore I should be focusing on them. I begged for him to stay over on Christmas Eve and he said if I did I wouldn’t be allowed to my mums for Christmas dinner. I just feel like the worst mum in the world.

You're married to the worst husband in the world.

You are being abused. Please contact Women's Aid for advice
www.womensaid.org.uk/

What is your housing/work situation? Do you own or rent?

Theunamedcat · 07/01/2022 00:20

You dont need another house in the same area

You need to be rehomed away from the area due to domestic abuse

afizzysweet · 07/01/2022 00:20

Just in the short term I mean while you get sorted, somewhere safe, away from him. You can seek support so that he can see the kids if it's deemed suitable etc. Perhaps some advice from social services on contact with the children?

TitoMojito · 07/01/2022 00:21

@EllsandMum

Sorry, he said you wouldn't be allowed to YOUR mum's?!

Oh my goodness. Please call a women's aid line. This man sounds horrific.

You have not done anything wrong. Please believe that. You're not the worst mum. You're doing everything right and your DP is just a horrible person. I'm so sorry

Joolsin · 07/01/2022 00:21

He is a horrible, horrible, horrible, awful, nasty piece of dirt and you and your children deserve to be free from him. He's going to poison your little ones against you and their brother if they stay around his influence. It's frightening how much he has you under such incredibly tight control. Please continue to try and find help - you must surely be entitled to a refuge place.

afizzysweet · 07/01/2022 00:23

It’s hard as the way he words things makes me feel like I’m the one in the wrong. If I’d done more maybe it would be better, like maybe I am wrong to expect him to do bath and tea by himself whilst I go out for contact. It’s like I doubt my self constantly now. If I follow the rules everything is ok you know x

This is what abusers do OP. Abuse isn't just physical. They make you feel like everything is your fault, they manipulate, they control. This isn't right and I think you may know this. You shouldn't have rules. He's meant to be your husband, not a captor.

TitoMojito · 07/01/2022 00:23

@EllsandMum

Oh my it just gets worse. Please leave OP. This isn't normal or okay behaviour.

Citylady88 · 07/01/2022 00:23

You're the adult, the mum, the person your son is supposed to be able to rely on. You don't mention his dad so it's just you who he has or should have on his side. You need to stop thinking about how much trouble you're in and what you feel. And think about how devastating this must be for your little boy. Your husband is an abusive arsehole and you need to take action to protect all of your children from him

RedToothBrush · 07/01/2022 00:24

Your husband is the problem. Your husband is being emotionally abusive to you in giving you threats and ultimatum to see your son. Your son is 13. Still very much a child. Your son has been kicked out because your husband finds him difficult and its easier to do that. Your husband has emotionally abused your son by doing that. Why do you think your son is playing up? Is it possibly because your husband is being abusive and overly authoritarian with him?

The husband is your issue. And your sons issue.

He uses the fact he pays for everything to financially abuse you.

The fact you don't make dinner once a week so you can see your son isn't a big deal. Dad should do it occasionally anyway. Its not a jolly. Its called being a parent rather than abandoning your son completely.

Think hard about whats really going on here and why you are in this situation to begin with...

Original poster

EllsandMum · 07/01/2022 00:24

My heart was racing to go home this evening. Whilst I was with my son it was constant messages saying ‘thanks for nothing’ ‘selfish to leave your little ones’ ‘nice that you get to go out on a jolly’

OP posts:

thepeopleversuswork · 07/01/2022 00:24

@Joolsin

This, a thousand times. This is one of the most disturbing posts I have read. This man is an absolute ogre.

OP get out however you can. Find help, go to a refuge, stay with relatives. Just get out for your little kids if not for yourself.

GrandTheftWalrus · 07/01/2022 00:25

You must get away from this man. Do you have friends or family who could help?

Original poster

EllsandMum · 07/01/2022 00:26

I don’t really have any friends no. My only friend was an old work colleague but because she was single and treated me to a white company candle for my birthday he accused me of being a lesbian with her and asked me to avoid going to her house and only a restaurant so nothing could happen.

OP posts:

HotelCaliforniaOnRepeat · 07/01/2022 00:27

He's abusive. You need women's aid.
If you don't work, then move out of area to get accommodation and go from there. At least then you have a chance to get your son back.

youwillbepk · 07/01/2022 00:27

Op this is controlling and abusive behavior from your husband, I am sorry you are going through this!
You are doing nothing wrong seeing your son, you are being a very good mum to all your children. It is your husband who is wrong. Please contact womensxaid or a local soppier in your area!
Don't give up on your son op.
You are able to do this

GrandTheftWalrus · 07/01/2022 00:28

Just read your reply and it's fucking heartbreaking

RavingAnnie · 07/01/2022 00:28

Ummmm I wonder why your son has behavioural issues?

afizzysweet · 07/01/2022 00:28

Whilst I was with my son it was constant messages saying ‘thanks for nothing’ ‘selfish to leave your little ones’ ‘nice that you get to go out on a jolly’

I very rarely get worried about posters on here but this time I am actually quite worried and disturbed. Can you go elsewhere with your children?

steff13 · 07/01/2022 00:29

Take the kids and go to your mother's house.

Original poster

EllsandMum · 07/01/2022 00:29

My mum is going to have a think about whether I can go there but she hasn’t got much room… I am going to try housing again in the morning.

I’ve been peddling through life since I had my eldest at 16, I’m 29 now and I’m exhausted. Just so so tired of the fight.

OP posts:

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