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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be in such trouble for seeing my son tonight.

338 replies

EllsandMum · 06/01/2022 23:56

My son has had quite difficult behavioural issues as a teen, due to a result of this he’s ended up in voluntary care.

I see him once a week of an evening to go for a meal or coffee as my husband won’t let him in the house.

Now every time it’s contact day my husband will pick all day and then just before it’s time to leave blow up an argument saying that I’m selfish asking him to look after the little ones because it’s not fair for him to cook tea for them whilst I’m on a jolly.

I said it’s 5-7 due to by the time he finishes school it’s easier that way and only once a week, I do tea bath etc every other night of the week.

My husband is saying that I’m abandoning our little ones for my son and it’s just breaking my heart as he’s saying it’s not doable and isn’t happening anymore.

I offered to do a different day but he said no because any day doesn’t work for him.

Now he’s asking me to move out.
I feel so alone and low.

OP posts:
LividLaVidaLoca · 07/01/2022 08:09

What am I reading here.

I’m so sorry for you. Your mum is useless and hasn’t stood up for you, but you NEED to break this cycle and stand up for all your children.

He’s abusing you and he’s let your eldest go into care. Was that your husband’s doing or yours? Was it really best for your family or just best for your husband?

Have you phoned Women’s Aid? You can’t carry on living like this. All of mumsnet is here to support you to get away from him.

Hugoslavia · 07/01/2022 08:09

The lazy twat! Why would you want to be with him! And by asking you to leave, is he also placing the needs of your youngest first? If you have 50/50 custody, you might want to remind him that means he'll actually have to do something and that it will leave you with far more time to visit your oldest son anyway. Tell him to sling his hook. He's a useless lump of a chap.

Jobseeker19 · 07/01/2022 08:10

Phone womens aid and they will find you a place today.
You can take your children, there will be space
Do not go back to him.

Rainartist · 07/01/2022 08:12

This is an abusive relationship. Emotional, financial, is there any more?

I knew he wouldn't have been his child from his first post. With a 13year old myself my heart breaks for him, all of you but him the most. I bet he isn't difficult just knows he has a step dad who hates him.

You need to leave and to take the little ones, retrieve your eldest and get away from him. But you need help and advice on how to do it a rebuild your self esteem. You know this isn't right.

Keep every text and recording, ring women's aid. Please take those children away from him he is damaging you all and if your mother thinks staying with such a person is appropriate she is as bad, don't go to hers. It's no wonder your self esteem is on the floor, BUT only you can change it.

assess · 07/01/2022 08:13

OP, this is horrendous. You have to get rid of this man. I can’t believe anyone could live like this. Also, 13 is so young. Your poor sin. No wonder he has behavioural issues. He’s had no chance. Now he’s being effectively written off - at 13! If you stay with this man who is beyond abusive, your other children will head the same way. Please call social services today and get all the support you can to get away.

OMG12 · 07/01/2022 08:14

He’s a bullying twat of a man child, if he can’t look after his kids for 2 hours, is he happy to look after them 24/7 if you move out? Pack him a bag (no doubt he can’t do this either, throw it out the front door and tell him to follow, you will be in touch about child contact as he will be looking after them every other weekend which will involve more than cooking them tea

MrMrsJones · 07/01/2022 08:21

Coercive and controlling behaviour is a crime, speak to the police.

If he throws you out they council could help with rehoming you, let him take you to the wire though.

He is a nasty, abusive man, it's possible your sons problems are because of him and I imagine constant put downs.

afizzysweet · 07/01/2022 08:21

Any updates this morning OP? How are you?

FinishWhatWeStarted · 07/01/2022 08:26

@SuffolkDreams

Do you realise that it’s you husband that’s the problem here, not your son?!
And her mum too I think. Op I'm so sorry you are going through this. Your posts have made me so sad for you. Please listen to pp who have some good advice. Xx
Jellycatspyjamas · 07/01/2022 08:26

What was the process of your son going into care. If he’s there “voluntarily” I’m guessing they had enough concern to remove him legally but you consented to this, which is better than going through the court process, but must leave your son with very confused feelings. If his behaviour was causing such concern, what were the issues underlying his behaviour - it doesn’t come from nowhere and social work have a role in supporting him with the underlying issues. What is the plan for your son returning to the family home and where are you in that process. He won’t be placed in care indefinitely without there being serious concerns about his care at home.

Can you speak to social work and ask for their support in leaving, if they’ve been concerned enough to remove your older child they will be happy to support you in leaving such an abusive relationship.

bluelemming · 07/01/2022 08:27

I know it's hard OP, but you must get away from this awful, awful man. Don't waste any more years of your life with him. You, and your children, deserve so much better.

We're all rooting for you. Thanks

Devonmum2022 · 07/01/2022 08:27

Honey I could have written this a year ago! My 4 year old is not with me in exact same way and for exact same reason (although she also has add needs). My partner at the time would make me feel bad to the point even speaking to her on the phone was "taking away family time". H was clever enough to make me believe he was thinking of the other children, their welfare, their welbeing bla bla... you know what it was none of that! he was just a controlling bully and so jelous of my daughter.

Trust me when I say leaving was the hardest, scariest thing I EVER did in my life i had 4 other children 2 under 5's one doing GCSE but looking back not a single bit of me regrets it. Social housing here is really really short but we ended up in a little flat as our temp accomodation, yes it was small i was on a sofa but it was MINE. If i want to call my girlie for 2 hours in the eve I can and it made me realise how many aspects of my life I had literally no control over and actually pointss my own kids had no control over.

The council are hard work but I managed to get a fab housing officer and almost a year later have just moved into my own house, its a tip needs totl re dec but its OURS. Dont get me wrong he still sees his kids, I can just about look at him without the urge to chuck him under a bus now but I will never allow him near my life again. Your child only gets one mum and he deserves a strong confident one who he knows has his back! xxxxxxx

maddy68 · 07/01/2022 08:29

Sorry. He would be out on his war for trying to keep me away from my son

HereticFanjo · 07/01/2022 08:33

Go and read the guest post by a serving police officer who was in a coercive, controlling relationship. It can happen to anyone. Your husband is a pig. You deserve better and so does your son.

TheWildRumpyPumpus · 07/01/2022 08:34

This is unbelievable. Leave him with your kids OP - anywhere would be better than exposing them all to his behaviour.

I have a feeling you’ll find that your eldest son’s difficulties will ease immediately once he’s not being treated so awfully. You really need to show your kids that what’s going on is not acceptable.

SnowyBerries · 07/01/2022 08:35

It's horrible to think of kids being pushed out of the family home into care when a step dad comes along.

ifeelabitsad · 07/01/2022 08:38

My heart breaks for you. He is such a controlling man. As your son is in voluntary care can you speak to his social worker and explain your situation and ask them to help? That way you might be able to work towards having your son back to live with you as well.

Jessie75 · 07/01/2022 08:39

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IncompleteSenten · 07/01/2022 08:39

You don't need to be a genius to know why your poor son is so troubled.

I know leaving isn't easy but your husband has already damaged your son so badly and continues to do so by trying to poison your younger children against him.

He should never have got into a relationship with a woman who had a child if he was unable to accept that child's existence.

Good luck, I hope you do manage to leave. He is an abusive bastard.

butterpuffed · 07/01/2022 08:42

This thread is a hard read, so heartbreaking. I don't have any more solutions to offer than what other posters have suggested . I hope you're helped to leave your house by the organisations suggested to you Flowers

LakieLady · 07/01/2022 09:13

I've never read a clearer account of someone who's being coercively controlled. So sorry you're going through this, OP.

Women's Aid and police are the best place to start. Hopefully, they will be able to find you and the younger children a refuge place and then you can start the process of rebuilding your life.

Make sure you take paperwork, eg children's birth certificates, bank statements etc.

ann535 · 07/01/2022 09:18

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GarethKeenanInvestigates · 07/01/2022 09:19

Oh my love.

I’ve nothing to add that hasn’t already been said. I wish I could send you all the strength in the world to do what you need to do and get help to leave that vile shit.

Listen to the women on here who have been where you are and who have managed to get free and have good lives.

BooksAndGin · 07/01/2022 09:22

Have you tried womens aid? You need to get away from him, he sounds vile. Thanks

yikesanotherbooboo · 07/01/2022 09:40

So much good advice above . You and all 3 children will thrive when they no longer have this man in the home. Speak to women's aid for help and advice and start to get organised. It must feel very daunting when he has put you into this isolated and fund less position but there is a way out to independence and security that many women have made. He will no doubt threaten and abuse you about your parenting skills and how he will 'have custody' of the little ones etc. This will all be a bully's bluster . It is so clear what sort of man he is and will be to any social workers, supporters, lawyers etc with whom you get involved in the next few months.Ignore him and gather evidence as you can . All the best .

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