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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be in such trouble for seeing my son tonight.

338 replies

EllsandMum · 06/01/2022 23:56

My son has had quite difficult behavioural issues as a teen, due to a result of this he’s ended up in voluntary care.

I see him once a week of an evening to go for a meal or coffee as my husband won’t let him in the house.

Now every time it’s contact day my husband will pick all day and then just before it’s time to leave blow up an argument saying that I’m selfish asking him to look after the little ones because it’s not fair for him to cook tea for them whilst I’m on a jolly.

I said it’s 5-7 due to by the time he finishes school it’s easier that way and only once a week, I do tea bath etc every other night of the week.

My husband is saying that I’m abandoning our little ones for my son and it’s just breaking my heart as he’s saying it’s not doable and isn’t happening anymore.

I offered to do a different day but he said no because any day doesn’t work for him.

Now he’s asking me to move out.
I feel so alone and low.

OP posts:
TheTeaFairy · 07/01/2022 12:01

In response to the PP who commented about not knowing what to say to Women’s Aid: volunteers are trained to listen and help women say what's on their mind. Smile

WingingP · 07/01/2022 12:01

So sorry you're going through this! Please consider contacting your local MP, I work for an MP and we have helped a lot of women in similar situations to yours. They won't be able to get you accommodation directly but they can badger the local council to find you accommodation and award extra priority if necessary, especially if the local council and MP are of the same political party. Can I ask where abouts in the country you live that has such bad social housing numbers? Obviously if you don't want to share that's absolutely fine!

FireworkParrot · 07/01/2022 12:10

@FoxgloveSummers

Don't give up!!!

I know that you've been trying so hard and getting nowhere but I think you'll have better results if you a) try different sources of help b) say different (more accurate) things.

At the moment, have you been saying to the council etc "I need to move out"? I think you need to change tack.

When you're speaking to e.g. Women's Aid, Shelter, you need to tell them:

  • my husband is being abusive towards me and the children
  • he is controlling where I go and what I'm allowed to do e.g. not allowed to wash my hair or visit my mum without his permission
  • my young son has gone into voluntary care as my husband doesn't want him around our younger children
  • I'm afraid of him and worried about what he might do to us
  • I need to leave so that the children and I can live a normal life but I don't have any money of my own and he controls all our finances
  • can you help me?
Absolutely this. Call women's aid and say this. They will help you.
FoxgloveSummers · 07/01/2022 12:10

Oh yes good point PP on contacting MP. You can ring their office or email them: members.parliament.uk/FindYourMP

SingingSands · 07/01/2022 13:06

Oh my heart is breaking for you and your children, but especially for your 13yr old. Please try and phone Womens Aid. There won't be a magical overnight fix, but they will help you get the ball rolling and with each little step you will gain a little more confidence.

This man is a worm. He is bullying and abusing you all because he is a worthless, pathetic, coward. You deserve so much more, you deserve to be with your children free from the fear he brings.

Popcornriver · 07/01/2022 13:08

OP you've been given some great advice about women's aid etc. Not sure if it's been mentioned yet but citizens advice is brilliant as well. If your local authority has funds for assisting you with a private let deposit, CA can help you claim it. They also help with benefits etc. Please leave this piece of shit. How dare he write off your son and try to stop you from seeing him?!
I have a 13 year old, they're still very, very young. He needs you.

rainbowstardrops · 07/01/2022 13:31

Can you speak to your brother who tried to warn you and potentially stay there? Even if only temporarily.

Dwrcegin · 07/01/2022 13:36

@Lougle

You could go to the police and have him leave. Universal credit would contribute to your rent. You wouldn't be rich, but you'd be ok.
I second this. Go to the police, his behaviour to you is illegal. The level is control he has over you is awful. Not letting you wash your hair ffs!
sparepantsandtoothbrush · 07/01/2022 14:12

My son has had quite difficult behavioural issues as a teen, due to a result of this he’s ended up in voluntary care

When I read this I assumed he was an older teen, but he's THIRTEEN?! He's been a teenager for less than a year. What was it exactly he got up to? I imagine things were escalated by your abusive partner?

OP, you need to get out of there for the sake of your children. Yes the unknown will be scary but there are places that can help you. Please take the advice of other posters and contact women's aid. You need to take this step before the abusive asshole ruins your relationships with all of your DC Flowers

SnowyBerries · 07/01/2022 14:25

@Devonmum2022

Honey I could have written this a year ago! My 4 year old is not with me in exact same way and for exact same reason (although she also has add needs). My partner at the time would make me feel bad to the point even speaking to her on the phone was "taking away family time". H was clever enough to make me believe he was thinking of the other children, their welfare, their welbeing bla bla... you know what it was none of that! he was just a controlling bully and so jelous of my daughter.

Trust me when I say leaving was the hardest, scariest thing I EVER did in my life i had 4 other children 2 under 5's one doing GCSE but looking back not a single bit of me regrets it. Social housing here is really really short but we ended up in a little flat as our temp accomodation, yes it was small i was on a sofa but it was MINE. If i want to call my girlie for 2 hours in the eve I can and it made me realise how many aspects of my life I had literally no control over and actually pointss my own kids had no control over.

The council are hard work but I managed to get a fab housing officer and almost a year later have just moved into my own house, its a tip needs totl re dec but its OURS. Dont get me wrong he still sees his kids, I can just about look at him without the urge to chuck him under a bus now but I will never allow him near my life again. Your child only gets one mum and he deserves a strong confident one who he knows has his back! xxxxxxx

Glad you got away from him. Will you be able to have your little girl back or is that not possible?
Devonmum2022 · 07/01/2022 14:34

@SnowyBerries she comes home at weekends now I am not in the situation with my ex partner, i signed the section 20 (voluntry care order) as it was required for her to attend the residential school needed to support her needs, she has additional needs and has to be there but when I was with him no she wouldnt have been back at weekends and eventually will not be residential so basically yes eventually she will be able to come home all the time BUT this is only because I left.

There was a comment of people choosing step parents over the child and in some cases that maybe true but my daughter was removed due to being a danger to ger siblings (large pieces of furniture thrown, hearing voices etc) but at the time I couldnt see the damage he was also having on both her and the family but honestly however scary would still stand by living off beans on toast with bugger all money in temp accomodation is still 100 times better than being controlled into who you can even speak to

SnowyBerries · 07/01/2022 14:45

That's good you get to see her at weekends now. Sounds like things have improved and well done for getting away

rubyglitter · 07/01/2022 15:28

@EllsandMum

Since I dropped the children to school I’ve been to housing, they said they’re very sorry but an already bad situation with housing over here has only been worsened by Covid and the emergency list is a year long. We only have 18 emergency bedsits here and they’re all taken and no social housing available. Ive phoned all of the local winterlets and none are available. I just give up.
You need to talk to Women’s Aid, your ds’s social worker or the police. Right now. You need to tell them everything that you have written in this thread. All the ways your husband has been abusive towards you and your ds.

If you don’t leave him then he will destroy all your dc. They won’t develop into healthy adults with healthy relationships if they’re experiencing all of this.

You said you were 18 with a 2yo when you started a relationship with your husband. How old is he? His obsession with power and authority has meant that he preyed on a vulnerable teenager to mould her into his perfect ideal woman (slave).

You need to speak to someone today.

ChargingBuck · 07/01/2022 15:33

saying that I’m selfish asking him to look after the little ones because it’s not fair for him to cook tea for them whilst I’m on a jolly.

WTF?
These are his own kids, right? & he doesn't believe it's his job to parent them?

He sounds a right selfish twat.
Imagine you've already had advice from PP about him telling you to move out - whatever you do, don't do that! - you're married, it's just as much your house as it is his.

FoxgloveSummers · 07/01/2022 18:42

how are you doing @EllsandMum?

ChampagneCommunist · 07/01/2022 19:09

@EllsandMum Can you say what part of the country you are in?

user1471442488 · 07/01/2022 19:19

I feel so sad for this wee boy that’s in care now because of this abusive cunt.

OP, it’s hard but it’s not hopeless. You HAVE to leave for your sons sake. His life is being ruined by this and you are a bystander. Who the fuck cares how difficult it’s going to be?

Mimilamore · 07/01/2022 19:33

Arsehole... pure and simple, it will get worse as your son gets older.... get rid if you can x

2Gen · 07/01/2022 19:38

@CheshireChat

So who deals with the little one 6 days out of 7? Does he never go anywhere on his own.

You should never, never abandon your eldest for your husband's sake and it sounds like a lot of your son's issues stem from your partner's attitude.

This! Your son needs you and it's very wrong and cruel of your DH to try to get you to abandon him. Are the little one's his? If so, he should be embracing time with them instead of playing the "poor me" and complaining! I'm sorry you're being put in this position OP. YANBU but your DH sure is!
Santaisstilleatingmincepies · 07/01/2022 19:45

Try emailing your MP op. They can help with housing issues. But absolutely consider ringing the police. He is openly abusive towards you and all of your dc...

MyMoneyIsAllSpent · 07/01/2022 19:51

Your situation is untenable. I've been there but my ex was very clever, never openly abusive and if it hadn't been for MN I would never have realised the extent of the abuse. Record everything, keep every text message, record every conversation, safely, if you can. When I called the police they fell hook, line and sinker for his charm, until I played them my recordings. You need as much proof if his abuse as you can get, that way you will get more help, well, I pray you will. Stay strong. There is ALWAYS light at the end of the tunnel, you just can't see it yet because it's just round the bend. 💐

lunar1 · 07/01/2022 19:56

This is absolutely heartbreaking, I would guess he is the cause of all your sons troubles.

AnOldCynic · 07/01/2022 20:02

Oh love this sounds awful. Your son is13! He needs you. Please, please be there for him.

Your DH is an arse.

Darbs76 · 07/01/2022 20:05

He has to cook for them once a week and he can’t manage that? How dare he try and stop you seeing your son in this way.

LIZS · 07/01/2022 20:07

Can you speak to your ds social worker about the abusive situation. They may be able to refer you and your dc. How old are they?

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