To be in such trouble for seeing my son tonight.

[EllsandMum]

My son has had quite difficult behavioural issues as a teen, due to a result of this he’s ended up in voluntary care.

I see him once a week of an evening to go for a meal or coffee as my husband won’t let him in the house.

Now every time it’s contact day my husband will pick all day and then just before it’s time to leave blow up an argument saying that I’m selfish asking him to look after the little ones because it’s not fair for him to cook tea for them whilst I’m on a jolly.

I said it’s 5-7 due to by the time he finishes school it’s easier that way and only once a week, I do tea bath etc every other night of the week.

My husband is saying that I’m abandoning our little ones for my son and it’s just breaking my heart as he’s saying it’s not doable and isn’t happening anymore.

I offered to do a different day but he said no because any day doesn’t work for him.

Now he’s asking me to move out.
I feel so alone and low.

This is one of the worst things I’ve ever read on here.

You need to get rid of this man.

Your mum is useess and counterproductive. I don’t care if she’s Catholic and has some outdated attitude about marriage - your h is a complete bastard and a Christian attitude (according to what the religion is said to believe) would be to help you get away from him and get your son back home. Even the Catholic Church would annul an abusive marriage as it’s based on a lie.

Practical help now rather than theology- you have to do this yourself.

Speak to women’s aid- they can help you. You may end up just having to divorce him with him still in the home, unless you think he’s a a physical danger. If so, a solicitor (you could potentially get legal aid as he’s abusive) might be able to help you get an exclusion order to get him out - see if you can get some free advice.

I had to divorce my exh whilst living with him - it was hell on Earth (he was emotionally abusive but not on the scale you have related to us) but I got out. I had to go through the courts to get my share of our joint money and be able to get a new home. I have family but none local and kids needed to stay in schools.

You can do this! You’re incredibly strong and don’t need to rely on anyone else’s judgment burt your own!

Oh and it’s not his money. Your married so everything is jointly owned. This will be the way it’s seen in the divorce.

You enable him to go to work by looking after the younger children. Looks like he can’t look after them for 5 mins by himself! Keep his abusive texts in case he claims he wants 50:50 - he might want it on paper to avoid paying maintenance but a. He won’t get it, and b. He won’t really go for it as he doesn’t want to do it!

Since I dropped the children to school I’ve been to housing, they said they’re very sorry but an already bad situation with housing over here has only been worsened by Covid and the emergency list is a year long. We only have 18 emergency bedsits here and they’re all taken and no social housing available. Ive phoned all of the local winterlets and none are available. I just give up.

You could go to the police and have him leave. Universal credit would contribute to your rent. You wouldn't be rich, but you'd be ok.

@EllsandMum

Since I dropped the children to school I’ve been to housing, they said they’re very sorry but an already bad situation with housing over here has only been worsened by Covid and the emergency list is a year long. We only have 18 emergency bedsits here and they’re all taken and no social housing available. Ive phoned all of the local winterlets and none are available. I just give up.

Phone women’s aid. Please

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

This is one of the worst things I’ve ever read on here.

You need to get rid of this man.

Your mum is useess and counterproductive. I don’t care if she’s Catholic and has some outdated attitude about marriage - your h is a complete bastard and a Christian attitude (according to what the religion is said to believe) would be to help you get away from him and get your son back home. Even the Catholic Church would annul an abusive marriage as it’s based on a lie.

Practical help now rather than theology- you have to do this yourself.

Speak to women’s aid- they can help you. You may end up just having to divorce him with him still in the home, unless you think he’s a a physical danger. If so, a solicitor (you could potentially get legal aid as he’s abusive) might be able to help you get an exclusion order to get him out - see if you can get some free advice.

I had to divorce my exh whilst living with him - it was hell on Earth (he was emotionally abusive but not on the scale you have related to us) but I got out. I had to go through the courts to get my share of our joint money and be able to get a new home. I have family but none local and kids needed to stay in schools.

You can do this! You’re incredibly strong and don’t need to rely on anyone else’s judgment burt your own!

Agree that this is a particularly awful thread to read.

Note that the Pope condemned abuse of women this Christmas as 'almost satanic'.

Emotional and financial abuse is still abuse.

Do not give up please you have come so far. Whilst You are feeling strong go to the police station. Coercive control is illegal and they will absolutely believe and help you get this man out of your life. It doesn't have to be violence to be illegal. You can do this x

LTB what a nasty manipulative cunt he is.

Hi EllsandMum,

We're sorry you're going through this.

We've had a lot of reports from people who are concerned about you. We can see you're getting lots of good advice and support from other Mumsnetters but we just thought we'd add some links to organisations which can give you some support in real life.

Lots of posters have suggested you get in touch with Women's Aid, and we'd absolutely second that. They have a new online chat support service which operates 10:00am - 6:00pm every day. Their 24-hour helpline number is 0808 2000 247.

It's also worth checking out the Freedom Programme - we know it's helped many MNers over the years so please click on the link.

Here too is a link to a video that we produced in conjunction with Women's Aid and Surrey Police - it's called Walking on Eggshells and it explains coercive control. Please do take a look.

As always, we just want to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We really hope you're okay, OP.

OP, you may have to consider leaving the area entirely for a while and be housed somewhere else, perhaps in the next county or something? How old are your youngest DC? Are they old enough to qualify for free childcare so you could get a job to earn yourself some ££?

Could you just pack up, take the kids and turn up on your mum's doorstep? Show her this thread, surely she wouldn't see you and her grandchildren out on the street?

Alternatively being in a hostel/ bedsit would be better than living with this abusive arsehole. Could you perhaps pick up some copywriting work via copify or similar to get you some £ coming in? You can do it from home.

The council WILL help you eventually, it's a case of getting out and managing until then.

@EllsandMum

My husband got the landlord on side they’re pretty close knit, so he’s told him the one sided events of my sons life and he said it’s the right choice for him not to live here.

Every angle of my life is so abnormal with everyone ignoring my cries for help.

So, when he's not around, phone Women's Aid. That's your first step to get out of this. Then CAB for further help

Tell him to fuck off. Contact women's aid as other posters have said. Disgraceful behaviour- what an arsehole

You need to get out, your best option seems to me getting your mum to help you. does she know that your DH tried to stop you and your son seeing her at Xmas? Tell her everything, surely no mother wants her daughter and grandchildren to go through this.

I'd also suggest thinking about what you can sell to raise yourself some money. If your mum won't help you, that might be a way to raise a deposit and first month's rent.

Women's Aid looks like the best route for you, OP. In addition to accommodation, I believe they can also help with speaking to someone about what you've gone through. I'm so sorry you're going through this, but getting out now is best for you and all of your children.

You need a refuge not emergency council accommodation. They are two different things. Your council can't help you, but Womens Aid can. Today. Phone them.

Can only echo what others have said. I packed my DC up with just a few of their belongings and left with absolutely nowhere to go. It was absolutely the right thing to do. Please call women's aid or use their online chat.

Please try womens aid. There may be refuge space available. He is abusive. You shouldn't have to live like this.

He turned on your son as he got older. He could do the same to your other kids. Please keep trying to leave.

OP this isn't ok. Your eldest is and always will be related to your younger dc whether your dh thinks so or not. I would remind the younger dc of that and encourage your eldest to hold a relationship with the younger ones too so as to prevent too much brainwashing occurring.
Your 13yo is a child! He still needs guidance and to date his only guidance have been abusive sf and and abused mother.
Not great start to life.

Your dh is a typical abuser, he found a vulnerable single mum to have more babies with, trapping you into a life of service to him. He can say whatever he wants and you will never leave.

Or will you? Womens aid will find you somewhere, it may not be local it may not be overly nice but I'm pretty sure your dc will forgive you for uprooting them, in fact for the eldest it may work out better than you think.

Phone the police and report the abuse, what he's doing is against the law. They'll hopefully be able to arrest him with the proof you have, which will take him out of the house and give you some breathing space. Then get on the phone to women's aid, they'll be able to advise on the financial and legal side of getting him out of your life, and they'll be supportive. Nobody there will question how bad it is or tell you to try and make it work. They will help you get free of him and build a better life for yourself and your children. And remember that we're here too, no matter how bad it seems you can post here and talk it through. The relationships board in particular is very supportive in these situations.

This is the saddest thing I've read on Mumsnet in a long time.

OP my heart goes out to you, I remember how living in constant anxiety wears away at your very soul.

Please contact Womans Aid and seek assistance in escaping this life you're trapped in. For the sake of all your children.

Don't give up!!!

I know that you've been trying so hard and getting nowhere but I think you'll have better results if you a) try different sources of help b) say different (more accurate) things.

At the moment, have you been saying to the council etc "I need to move out"? I think you need to change tack.

When you're speaking to e.g. Women's Aid, Shelter, you need to tell them:

• my husband is being abusive towards me and the children
• he is controlling where I go and what I'm allowed to do e.g. not allowed to wash my hair or visit my mum without his permission
• my young son has gone into voluntary care as my husband doesn't want him around our younger children
• I'm afraid of him and worried about what he might do to us
• I need to leave so that the children and I can live a normal life but I don't have any money of my own and he controls all our finances
• can you help me?

Who's name is on the tenancy, you would surely be entitled to benefits if you and the kids were without him, couldn't you stay there in that case?

I'm no expert but I feel like being very clear about what he's doing, why you need to leave, and what help you need would be a good first step. I understand that saying these things out loud may be hard.

Others here are experts and may be able to chip in.

It's easy to say "call women's aid" but I think sometimes people find it hard to know what to say to them.

@FoxgloveSummers

Don't give up!!!

I know that you've been trying so hard and getting nowhere but I think you'll have better results if you a) try different sources of help b) say different (more accurate) things.

At the moment, have you been saying to the council etc "I need to move out"? I think you need to change tack.

When you're speaking to e.g. Women's Aid, Shelter, you need to tell them:

• my husband is being abusive towards me and the children
• he is controlling where I go and what I'm allowed to do e.g. not allowed to wash my hair or visit my mum without his permission
• my young son has gone into voluntary care as my husband doesn't want him around our younger children
• I'm afraid of him and worried about what he might do to us
• I need to leave so that the children and I can live a normal life but I don't have any money of my own and he controls all our finances
• can you help me?

Absolutely this.

OP, please, please contact Women’s Aid. They will support you emotionally and practically. Many Women’s Aid refuges have rooms suitable for women with several children. You would be able to stay in a refuge for six months while you get your life together. You and your children would receive specialist counselling.
Good luck: you can do this 💐