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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Personal Moral Issue with partner

193 replies

Swindonia22 · 05/01/2022 12:35

Hello everyone,

Hope everyone had a nice Christmas and NY!

Apologies if this is in the wrong forum area but I have an issues which I am struggling with. I recently started dating a lovely person, they are truly great...but, it is evident we have had very different lives and being brought up with different beliefs. The biggest difference we have is around cannabis and the use of it. Off the bat, I have never done it, nor have any intention. I grew up in an area where drugs was an issue and people really struggled with them. Late on in life, my job now is working with and around people who has had their lives wrecked by either going down the drug route, or was brought up in a household where drugs and alcohol came first.

Because of this, I have this moral issue as to where I stand with people who do use it. My partner is one of these people.

I have really, really tried being open minded about it but I am struggling with it. I don't want to change them but equally, I don't want to be around it nor look like I accept it when I do not. I also would hate it anywhere near my house.

Am I being unreasonable here? I have a feeling the replies will be either pro/against it but wanted to see what other thoughts are?

OP posts:
Tricked2003 · 05/01/2022 12:37

You are not compatible. I would feel the same as you.

Paq · 05/01/2022 12:39

This is not a moral issue. You have different ideas of how to live life. You're simply not compatible. I'm with you, cannabis users are so tedious.

tanstaafl · 05/01/2022 12:39

@Tricked2003

You are not compatible. I would feel the same as you.
^this
WWDD · 05/01/2022 12:39

It doesn't really matter what other people think of cannabis use. If it's not something you're comfortable with then this is not the right relationship for you.

ArblemarzipanTFruitcake · 05/01/2022 12:40

I agree with you.

tectonicplates · 05/01/2022 12:40

Does this person actually smoke it themselves, or is it just their opinion on whether it's technically okay or not?

AuntyBumBum · 05/01/2022 12:42

I'm a drug user, and I agree with you. That's likely to be too big a gap to bridge.

LethargicActress · 05/01/2022 12:43

It sounds like you are particularly uptight when it comes to marijuana and your bf is particularly relaxed about it. If it’s something that he does regularly you have a choice. You either accept it, or create a relationship where you’re not completely happy and will probably led up spending a lot of time nagging and feeling resentful.

Holothane · 05/01/2022 12:43

Get rid now the money he’ll waste is unbelievable.

SmellyOldPartridgeinaPearTree · 05/01/2022 12:43

YANBU, you aren't compatible and that's ok.

ComtesseDeSpair · 05/01/2022 12:43

It’s fine to say that you don’t want to be with somebody who does something illegal: that’s a moral issue. It’s also fine to say that you don’t want to be with somebody who engages in potentially damaging behaviour; this could also apply to perfectly legal things such as drinking alcohol and gambling. That’s not so much a moral issue as it is a personal boundary.

You can’t make anybody change and it’s pointless trying. What you can do, is end a relationship where you have incompatible values.

Lordamighty · 05/01/2022 12:44

You have different views about cannabis users & that is entirely your prerogative. I agree with you & wouldn’t want a romantic relationship with one. Plus it stinks & I can’t abide the smell, similar to cigarette smokers.

JenniferAllisonPhillipaSue · 05/01/2022 12:45

Ten years ago, I was very anti cannabis. Now, meh.

thepeopleversuswork · 05/01/2022 12:45

This isn't a moral issue for me and it's not a right or wrong. I happen to think he isn't wrong and I don't particularly have an issue with cannabis (although I don't use it) but you aren't wrong either and you have every right not to want it in your life.

It's a compatibility issue. Only you can decide if its an insurmountable problem but if you do you are totally reasonable.

SilverHairedCat · 05/01/2022 12:45

Three of my neighbours smoke it frequently. I couldn't care less what they do (although I MASSIVELY judge the couple that are smoking it at 7am), if it doesn't affect me.

However, it would be a deal breaker in a personal relationship. Stoners are boring and selfish as fuck. Absolutely not what I want in a partner or lover. YANBU.

WorraLiberty · 05/01/2022 12:49

I have a feeling the replies will be either pro/against it but wanted to see what other thoughts are?

Not sure about 'either pro/against' because neither of those would change the fact you're against and that's all that matters. No-one else here is dating him.

ChargingBuck · 05/01/2022 12:49

Am I being unreasonable here? I have a feeling the replies will be either pro/against it but wanted to see what other thoughts are?

Why?
None of us are dating your new b/f, so it's irrelevant what our stance on cannabis is.

Only YOU can decide where your boundary is.
As you also have a professional role in advising/supporting people affected by drugs, it's a no-brainer, isn't it?

So YOU decide what is reasonable, for YOU - & then act on it.
It's not unreasonable to not want to date a spliffhead. It's your personal choice, nothing to do with fairness, or what anyone else thinks.

Sorry you have this quandary with a man you are keen on ... but it's pretty obvious what you need to do, isn't it? There are millions of men out there, & you will find another good'un, who isn't interested in cannabis.

Iamuhtredsonofuhtred · 05/01/2022 12:50

The things that bother you now will be the end of your relationship in the future. I smoked cannabis in my youth and was fairly open minded about drug use- until my husband spiralled into drug addiction. My kids are traumatised, my marriage over. I am now really anti drugs after seeing the devastation they can cause. It’s all fun and games- until it isn’t.

heidbuttsupper · 05/01/2022 12:50

This would be a dealbreaker for me op

AlternativePerspective · 05/01/2022 12:51

Actually he is in the wrong since it’s illegal. But many people don’t seem to care about that so hey-ho.

For me any drugs would be an immediate deal breaker, even in a 20 year marriage the instant he used drugs would be the end of the marriage.

And no, as per pp, not agreeing with or tolerating illegal drug use is not “uptight”.

gobbledygoook · 05/01/2022 12:52

@AlternativePerspective

Actually he is in the wrong since it’s illegal. But many people don’t seem to care about that so hey-ho.

For me any drugs would be an immediate deal breaker, even in a 20 year marriage the instant he used drugs would be the end of the marriage.

And no, as per pp, not agreeing with or tolerating illegal drug use is not “uptight”.

This ^

Uptight?! It's illegal.

Caramellatteplease · 05/01/2022 12:54

I would not be with a cannabis using partner. No ifs no buts

gogohm · 05/01/2022 12:55

I wouldn't be with a smoker, tobacco or cannabis. Non negotiable

Momicrone · 05/01/2022 12:55

I think it's similar to alcohol, both can spiral out of control and cause untold damage, but one is legal, will you feel differently when they legalise it?

Clarinet1 · 05/01/2022 12:58

I agree with the PPs who say that this is an issue which probably means this is not the guy for you whatever his good points may be.
It’s wonderful that you help people who have been affected by substance issues but this does not mean you should form intimate relationships with them. Someone I was close to fell into a similar trap.