Personal Moral Issue with partner

[Swindonia22]

Hello everyone,

Hope everyone had a nice Christmas and NY!

Apologies if this is in the wrong forum area but I have an issues which I am struggling with. I recently started dating a lovely person, they are truly great...but, it is evident we have had very different lives and being brought up with different beliefs. The biggest difference we have is around cannabis and the use of it. Off the bat, I have never done it, nor have any intention. I grew up in an area where drugs was an issue and people really struggled with them. Late on in life, my job now is working with and around people who has had their lives wrecked by either going down the drug route, or was brought up in a household where drugs and alcohol came first.

Because of this, I have this moral issue as to where I stand with people who do use it. My partner is one of these people.

I have really, really tried being open minded about it but I am struggling with it. I don't want to change them but equally, I don't want to be around it nor look like I accept it when I do not. I also would hate it anywhere near my house.

Am I being unreasonable here? I have a feeling the replies will be either pro/against it but wanted to see what other thoughts are?

I live in state where it's been legal for at least 10 years and the growing and selling is a well regulated and a safe industry. Smoking pot is no big deal here anymore.

My husband (late 60's) has a few tokes every evening as it helps him relax, go to sleep and helps with his BP. My adult son used to have anxiety and smokes about as much as my husband - not much and only in the late evening. He used to have terrible issues with getting to sleep all during high school and university. He went to university in England and was around a lot of students who spent all their money on booze and drank until they were very drunk and ridiculous.

We have pot shops all over our state and the people who work in them are call bud tenders.

I couldn't stand to be around people who drank a lot of alcohol because it can make people silly or violent and can be addictive, whereas weed doesn't do that. Pot tends to mellows people out.

If the smoking of weed is offensive to you and he finds it enjoyable or helpful, then you are not compatible obviously.

Did you let your partner know your views about cannabis use early on? How did you find out?

Irrespective of that, you have your principles and you'd be well advised not to violate or ignore them because later down the line it will come back to haunt you even if you try and push it to the back of your mind. It will always be a bone of contention.

You could try talking about your concerns again with your partner, but I doubt it will make any difference. They're unlikely to go "no problem I'll chuck it all on the bonfire and never use again". They're more likely to feel resentful and controlled, and smoke behind your back,

It doesn't matter if others think your views are unreasonable or not. You don't like that they use cannabis and it sounds like a deal breaker for you. Only you can decide if it is or not.

I'd act quickly though, not fair to keep dating if this is a complete no no for you.

My partner took drugs when younger but had stopped long before we met. They were always honest and it has never been an issue.
But i have never taken drugs and would have struggled if they were still taking drugs tbh. There is also the cost and long term risks of a drug habbit. Dating in itself isnt an issue but i couldnt imagine a future with someone. Although i have friends who do use drugs and have no judgement about this but i think its the potential of combining lives and finances and possibly children that this links to.

As an aside i have also seen this with alchol consumption in excess (which alot of people do in youth) if the in excess continues once families come along and is one sided this causes many issues as view points are so different

My sister is a clinical psychologist. In her view cannabis, particularly of the skunk variety is a dangerous substance and users do not always appear to be aware of the dangers. The correlation between skunk use and schizophrenia is particularly strong for users who start very young and use regularly. In my social circles, some people do smoke a joint very occasionally. I will not join in, but I have no real issue with them doing so. I would never have a relationship with a daily user though OP. I think this could be very problematic.

I am an old bird now but I left the man that I consider my actual soul mate as a result of his cannabis use. He was gorgeous and the loveliest person but it had him in it's grip and thirty years later it has wrecked his health entirely.

I hate drugs. I hate cannabis. Decriminalising just because it is so widespread and we have a deficit of 30,000 police officers is a failure of this country.

Went out with a guy when I was 17 who smoked cigarettes- never again. Looking back I can’t believe I did because I hate them.
Drugs? Not a chance.

@Ellowyn, out of curiosity, are people who hate the smell or indeed just mildly object to it allowed to object to it in public places and /or shared accommodation? I dread the day when it is legalised in the Uk because I think the smell is vile, as it is I cannot object to my neighbours smoking underneath my kitchen windows as it will just cause bad feelings. How are the conflicting interests of smokers and non-smokers managed?

I think its still on designated places where you can smoke it although youre probably righ private dwellings might be allowed aswell

As an ex cannabis addict I can safely say cannabis smokers are fucking losers. Get rid.

For the relationship to work, one of you would need to compromise and I don’t think it should be you. I don’t like drugs, don’t touch them and I ended a three month relationship the day I found out that he took ecstasy because it’s just totally incompatible with my idea of a good time. Some people won’t date smokers. I think it’s perfectly reasonable to not want to date someone who regularly smokes cannabis when it’s not aligned with your own views about the legality and origins. I wouldn’t be happy dating someone who interacted with drug dealers.

@Sunset999

Can I ask do people also consider drinking wine every evening or smoking cigarettes as drug use? They are drugs too but they are just legal, I don't think any fights have broken out over too much cannabis for example....................

I wouldn’t date a smoker or someone who drank a lot either. I actually think even someone who used to smoke wouldn’t be for me. ExDP used to smoke weed when he was younger and smoked cigarettes before we met. He’d given up several years before we met, but then went on to get obsessive about computer games, had issues with his weight due to compulsive eating, then became excessive about exercise spending hundreds a month on gym memberships and tennis lessons, buying expensive bikes and getting obsessive about tracking his heart rate, many hours long bike rides at the weekend etc (one of those boring cycling DPs you read about all the time on here) then being too exhausted to help out or do anything when he was with me.

I think addictive personalities are definitely a thing. The sad thing was, I got to be his addiction for a short while. Stings when you realise you’re interchangeable with an app.

@gogohm

I wouldn't be with a smoker, tobacco or cannabis. Non negotiable

What about edibles though?

I live somewhere where cannabis is legal and I love my sleep gummies. I'd never smoke though.

[quote tomorrowalready]@Ellowyn, out of curiosity, are people who hate the smell or indeed just mildly object to it allowed to object to it in public places and /or shared accommodation? I dread the day when it is legalised in the Uk because I think the smell is vile, as it is I cannot object to my neighbours smoking underneath my kitchen windows as it will just cause bad feelings. How are the conflicting interests of smokers and non-smokers managed?[/quote]
It's already the case though. If your neighbours smoke weed and the smell bothers you, are you really going to complain to landlord/council/police. It's everywhere in some areas and you just put up with it.

@Gwenhwyfar It's worth reporting if it's really strong coming from a house, because it can be due to the person growing it for dealing.

Gwenhwyfar, I do already have exactly that problem at home what i wondered is if any consideration is given to those who do not want the smell and smoke near them in countries where it is legalised. if there was some clause covering nuisance caused be smoke and smell in the legislation it would give non-smokers some support. I would not hold out any hope of it being enforced or consideration being given as in my experience cannabis users act like they are entitled and superior. One advantage of this cold weather , smokers are holed up in their homes.

I agree with others that you're just not well suited to eachother. You're allowed to feel how you feel about the cannabis use. She won't change and you're not going to be able to change her so it's a question of how much of a deal breaker it is. It sounds like quite a big one for you so unfortunately I think it just comes down to her not being the one for you.

My partner is a heavy cannabis user and although I was not too bothered at first by the idea of dope (naively thinking it was every now and then before slowly realising he was waking up in the middle of the night to have one or two) the amount of money he has spent on it and how lethargic and how much it has changed him is becoming an issue. If I knew then what I know now I’d have walked away before I got too involved