Personal Moral Issue with partner

[Swindonia22]

Hello everyone,

Hope everyone had a nice Christmas and NY!

Apologies if this is in the wrong forum area but I have an issues which I am struggling with. I recently started dating a lovely person, they are truly great...but, it is evident we have had very different lives and being brought up with different beliefs. The biggest difference we have is around cannabis and the use of it. Off the bat, I have never done it, nor have any intention. I grew up in an area where drugs was an issue and people really struggled with them. Late on in life, my job now is working with and around people who has had their lives wrecked by either going down the drug route, or was brought up in a household where drugs and alcohol came first.

Because of this, I have this moral issue as to where I stand with people who do use it. My partner is one of these people.

I have really, really tried being open minded about it but I am struggling with it. I don't want to change them but equally, I don't want to be around it nor look like I accept it when I do not. I also would hate it anywhere near my house.

Am I being unreasonable here? I have a feeling the replies will be either pro/against it but wanted to see what other thoughts are?

YANBU weed stinks and wrecks mental health
Better to end it before you get in too deep, Is my opinion x

You are not compatible, personally have no issue with cannabis, or alcohol, but as pp said i would not be with someone who drank tons of alcohol or smoked tons of cannabis to the point it impacted their/our lives.

We all have our boundaries, this is yours, that is his, neither is wrong from my pov, but your boundaries are not compatible with each other.

Sorry - her - but opinion remains the same x

You're allowed to have boundaries.

I would be ok with a partner who occasionally (say once a week) uses cannabis or alcohol. I would not be ok with someone who used cannabis or alcohol daily or to excess regularly. I would not be ok with someone who used say, pills or cocaine more than about once a year, and not in my presence / house / near my child. I would absolutely not be ok with say, heroin.

On the other hand, I would not be ok with a partner who asked me to reduce my drinking (about four units once a fortnight), or cannabis use (about once every three years). Or asked me to stop eating meat or whatever they were uncomfortable with that I didn't want to change.

You can absolutely draw the line wherever you want, and if a partner is not happy then you aren't compatible.

For me whether something is illegal or legal only comes into it when factoring the potential harm done and the consequences of being caught. I think the law is a bit of an ass when it comes to cannabis, I'm convinced it would do less harm if it were legal but regulated. However, if a partners use has the potential to impact you job, or you do set a lot of emphasis on the letter of the law, then that is absolutely a factor for you.

If she grew her own weed for her personal use then trafficking would be nothing to do with tour argument, if it still bothers you you are still not compatible.

I have no interest in a relationship with someone who is a regular user of illegal drugs, including cannabis. Same thing for someone who drinks heavily. It's just not what I want in my life.

It doesn't matter if anyone agrees that you're "reasonable". If it's not what you want, that's reason enough.

Cannabis is legal for medical use and many would say the war on drugs has done nothing but harm people and make drug issues worse.

You aren't compatible together, you're not unreasonable for having this hard line but neither is he.

I’m not a judgemental person and what other people want to do is up to them, but I wouldn’t date or live with a cannabis user or even a smoker. That’s not because I’m morally outraged by it, I just choose not to be around it.

I think there are 2 issues here.
First is your personal opinion on drugs. I personally could never have a partner who died drugs, other people wouldn’t care.

Secondly, I wonder how this could affect your particular career if it became common knowledge your partner was a drug user. I imagine your credibility would plummet.

@WWDD

It doesn't really matter what other people think of cannabis use. If it's not something you're comfortable with then this is not the right relationship for you.

Yep.

I agree with you and I wouldn't even date a smoker or a heavy drinker let alone someone who smokes cannabis.

This is bothering you. A lot. So it’s an issue. You are allowed to dump someone because the way they live their life is not a lifestyle you can tolerate being around longterm.

haven't RTFT, but why are you going out with her if you have a moral objection to it?

My dd's boyfriend smokes cannabis and he stinks , his memory is appalling and he lacks any drive- always looking for the lazy least effort option in life , he's a nice enough bloke but could be so much more if he didn't smoke it.
It doesn't matter what your reason is, you don't have to be in a relationship with anyone if you don't want to.

I think it’s worth looking at why you - later in life, as you say - would even feel that you have to make or consider this compromise for you?

How are your own personal boundaries?

@Iamuhtredsonofuhtred

The things that bother you now will be the end of your relationship in the future. I smoked cannabis in my youth and was fairly open minded about drug use- until my husband spiralled into drug addiction. My kids are traumatised, my marriage over. I am now really anti drugs after seeing the devastation they can cause. It’s all fun and games- until it isn’t.

This, my life and that if my children split apart, damage that will never heal… and all because of a ‘harmless’ drug …

I wish to god I had left when I was in your situation…

That's really interesting because like you I work with people who have had or are still struggling with drug and alcohol addiction so regular drug and heavy alcohol use if not something I would ever do because I have seen what it can do to people.

But at the same time after being almost tea-total for years, I have relaxed my stance a bit and now enjoy the odd cocktail when out and I have smoked cannabis on a couple of occasions out of curiosity.

I have friends who I must say do smoke regularly...

But I would not want a partner who is a heavy, regular user and that would put me off starting a long-term relationship with them. I would just see them as a bit of fun, but not someone serious enough to commit too.

Seems to me like a waste of money and there many other ways to have fun!

Have you tried maybe having a relaxed conversation as to why he uses drugs so regularly? is he trying to cope with stress? boredom? It might be that he is willing to reconsider his usage if he realises life does not have to be dull without drugs/drink!!

YABU to get with someone who uses cannabis when you have such a job role and beliefs. What were you expecting?

@Crispleaves

I have neighbours on two sides that use cannabis and I hate it. The smell is disgusting and wafts into our house, including in through my children’s bedroom window which is near one of the neighbours garden. I think it’s really selfish for people to smoke cannabis anywhere that non-smokers will have to put up with the stench or breathe it in against their will.

If your in HA or council housing have you complained to them, they might move you, or them, its bad for the kids

@VelvetChairGirl

I too grew up in a area full of it, my brother and his mates smoked it, now all his mates are dead, prison or as mental as he is, and he's a fully paid up conspiracy nut who's been getting increasingly paranoid and into that rubbish over the last 30 years, he is at the point now where its pointless talking to him about anything, he thinks even the weather is controlled, he is in his 50's and mooches off my father, he has no bank account, no ID etc because he doesnt want "The Man" tracking him.

all his mates who didnt smoke it but did other things mainly coke and speed are either dead (the speed ones are all dead) or have cleaned themselves up and hold down jobs and lead perfectly respectable lives.

I refuse to believe that weed is harmless it messes up your head it may take along time to show but its irraversable, I have seen the desperation of family members trying to get weed users to stop who would rather buy weed with their last few pounds then put food in the fridge, I have given up on a few myself who plead poverty and beg for loans rather then stop and get their priorities in order.

and IMHO its worse then other drugs and drinking because the smoke gets everywhere you cant escape breathing it in, the kids breath it in, my friend had to move home because of weed smokers downstairs and the stink coming up thru the floor. they stink in general you can smell them on public transport.

So no you are not being unreasonable if you dont want to be around that crap.

This is also similar to my personal experiences. All the original Ibiza raver generation late 40s dropping like flies.

Have lost 3 close family/friends to addiction in the past 18 months and another two have been sectioned in the last 4 years. These were daily weed smokers who also did coke occasionally. It’s shocking that they have left young widows and children.

I also have experience of alcoholic family members - they also reeked havoc on their families but seemed to survive miraculously into their 60s and 70s.

It’s a bit of a detour from the thread but I wonder if we are familiar with the trajectory of alcoholism but this is the first generation where mass weed / coke consumption is taking its toll on the individuals who are unable to moderate.

I think you'll struggle because of your job role.

I'm a long term cannabis user. Daily user. As a teenager and into my early 20's I dabbled with recreational drugs. Never progressed past your standard E's and Coke. Stopped all that in my mid 20's. I've continued to use cannabis. I have a career, a well paid job, a nice house etc. I'm very law abiding in every other way. My main issue with it being illegal is the crimes I may be funding by buying it. However, I have a particular source where I know the grower and that they are not funding any other criminal lines. Just one person, growing, selling to a limited number of people.

Cannabis is a hugely useful drug used correctly. Many people credit it for helping with pain relief, anxiety, sobriety from other drugs. There's a huge amount of information about that coming from countries where it is now legalised.

Does he do it all the time?
Do you drink alcohol?

This is an issue which makes you incompatible. No ones right or wrong here, really.
It's weed, he's not a hard-core drug user, and it's OK that he isn't for you.

You could be fabulous friends, but a close relationship will not work with that issue there.
If your house becomes his too, at some point weed will be in that house, not necessarily smoked because not everyone who smokes, smokes within their home but you're just going to be at odds with one another over this issue.

@HoliHormonalTigerlilly

Does he do it all the time? Do you drink alcohol?

Also wondering how old he is? This is so something a lot of people grow out of.

How are they “your partner” if you have recently started dating someone?