Personal Moral Issue with partner

[Swindonia22]

Hello everyone,

Hope everyone had a nice Christmas and NY!

Apologies if this is in the wrong forum area but I have an issues which I am struggling with. I recently started dating a lovely person, they are truly great...but, it is evident we have had very different lives and being brought up with different beliefs. The biggest difference we have is around cannabis and the use of it. Off the bat, I have never done it, nor have any intention. I grew up in an area where drugs was an issue and people really struggled with them. Late on in life, my job now is working with and around people who has had their lives wrecked by either going down the drug route, or was brought up in a household where drugs and alcohol came first.

Because of this, I have this moral issue as to where I stand with people who do use it. My partner is one of these people.

I have really, really tried being open minded about it but I am struggling with it. I don't want to change them but equally, I don't want to be around it nor look like I accept it when I do not. I also would hate it anywhere near my house.

Am I being unreasonable here? I have a feeling the replies will be either pro/against it but wanted to see what other thoughts are?

But you can't divorce cannabis (or other drug) use from its production and distribution.

You certainly can do that with cannabis (and a few other drugs). You can consume very unwise amounts of cannabis without needing to get involved in any supply chain by growing your own.

@Swindonia22, I'm afraid your thread is going to spiral wildly wildly off-topic into a discussion of the rights and wrongs of drug use, rather than whether you are unreasonable to stop seeing him (which you're clearly not!).

I agree this is an incompatibility, and you should take it seriously.

Apart from the moral issue, could you stand to live with the stench of cannabis in your life constantly?
Assuming partner is a smoker.

True, it stinks!

It doesn't matter who is right or wrong here, even if your views were highly unreasonable (which I don't think they are by the way!), you two are simply incompatible and this will cause further issues later on. Even if you try and be accepting and put up with it, it will just breed resentment I think. So it is best to end things now early on, otherwise I think you could put a lot of time and energy into a relationship which inevitably will come to an end in the future over such a difference in opinion.

Personally, I couldn't date someone who regularly smoked cannabis (at least monthly/several times a year to be considered regular in my opinion), although I could look past the occasional use (so once in a blue moon). Not because of any moral viewpoint, but because it's too much of a lifestyle conflict, plus I think it's a waste of money which when living together I couldn't abide.

You aren't being unreasonable and I agree with previous posters who say this is a compatibility issue.

I'm neither for or against cannabis (I have smoked it on occasion), but wouldn't be happy with a partner who regularly did.

You can't force your partner to stop smoking, but equally you shouldn't have to stay in a relationship where your lifestyles are not suited.

"Uptight?! It's illegal."

Legal, tolerated or decriminalised in many countries though. I don't think it's a black and white issue.
I think I would accept it if not done around me or at my home.

I also believe in decriminalization/legalization from a societal perspective because I think it causes more harm keeping it illegal, but I absolutely wouldn't want it around me or my life. I'm the same with heavy drinking, or even moderate drinking, my life isn't about that so it would be boring to be sitting around watching someone drink away, I also wouldn't date a smoker.

I don't judge others who do these things, in fact, I feel sorry for smokers for example, because they really are often stuck with it and find it hard to quit. I don't want to be caring for a smoker going into old age though, with all the attendant health issues.

I don't really see why this is a moral issue, though- it's just your personal preference not to have that around you. It's not for me either, which is why I wouldn't date this guy.

Disgusting habit. I know a lot of people who smoke it (far too common here) and every single one of them is a selfish, lazy, asshole cock lodger, and when they're not stoned they're violent or abusive to their partners. They're also nearly all paranoid conspiracy theorists, and antivax, would you believe!
Don't waste anymore of your time.
Also, you don't want to stink of it 🤢

If you deal with these people at work do you really want to be coming home to the same shit?

@AlternativePerspective

Actually he is in the wrong since it’s illegal. But many people don’t seem to care about that so hey-ho.

For me any drugs would be an immediate deal breaker, even in a 20 year marriage the instant he used drugs would be the end of the marriage.

And no, as per pp, not agreeing with or tolerating illegal drug use is not “uptight”.

Oh waa waa waa, something's ILLEEEEEEEEGAL... The laws around recreational drugs are not logical and not particularly morality-based. They are a mixture of prissiness and indifference on behalf of the authorities. I wouldn't date someone who based their entire morality on what is and is not legal, as I would expect them to be smug, blinkered and tiresome.

However, WRT Op's position: you are not compatible with him so walk away. It is fine to dump someone for having any kind of hobby, interest, habit, worldview or whatever that you dislike. But do bear in mind that your views are not necessarily morally superior to theirs: just different.

"t is a moral issue if you take into account the smuggling, trafficked people working in grow houses, children roped into County Lines etc"

if it was legal in this country do you know who is the biggest grower of it in the UK for medical use? Jacob Reese Mogg and you certainly dont want to be giving him more money while he votes to impoverish you and your kids more.

I don't think you will ever be okay with it, I certainly wouldn't, so you should end it. I could not share my life with a drug user, I would not bring children up around drugs either and it is something you will be mildly tolerable towards in the early stages but despise as time goes on.

@Fairyliz

Just dump the useless druggie and save yourself years of heartache.

We don't know if he's a 'durggie'. OP hasn't told us how often he does it.

@AlternativePerspective

Actually he is in the wrong since it’s illegal. But many people don’t seem to care about that so hey-ho.

For me any drugs would be an immediate deal breaker, even in a 20 year marriage the instant he used drugs would be the end of the marriage.

And no, as per pp, not agreeing with or tolerating illegal drug use is not “uptight”.

Some laws are arguable and need updating. Weed is a plant that kills no-one and can be used medicinally and spiritually. Alcohol is a poison that wrecks lives in devastating ways.

Make your own boundaries, OP. Nobody can advise you on it. There's nothing unreasonable about liking or not liking/accepting or not accepting a behaviour in a partner. You would be completely within your rights to leave a relationship because you didn't like the way your partner ate crisps: It's totally your decision. What isn't ok is to feel that someone needs to be 'in the wrong' before you can leave them. If he wants to use cannabis, that's up to him. If you don't want to be with a partner that uses cannabis, that's up to you. No rights, no wrongs, just preferences.

You're incompatible, unless you can reach a compromise ('Not when we're together', perhaps?)

YADNBU
It's a completely different mind-set. Chuck this one back you're worlds apart.

Absolutely YANBU @Swindonia22 .

I like to think I would never date anyone who took any illegal drugs again.

How do you feel about dating a druggie? It's not in line with what you believe so I don't think he's the man for you.

It effects people's mental health, relationships, every area of their life.

It also shows they have no qualms about breaking the law and that might extend to them disregarding what's considered to be ok in other ways.

Plus it's disgusting and not good for their health, so they're not taking care of themselves.

It's just incompatibility.

Cannabis for medical use is actually legal in the UK. It's not available on the NHS except in very limited cases, but it is perfectly legal and relatively easy to get a prescription from a clinic for all sorts of health conditions.

A lot of people use cannabis recreationally as well, without negative impacts on their lives. Of course some do have negative issues. You could say the exact same for alcohol use, and that is worse if not in moderation.

Most countries are now relaxing the laws on cannabis.

As a relationship issue though it's the same as any other incompatibility. For example, it wouldn't bother me but it would some people.

You are just incompatible.

See, I wouldn't have any problem with someone who smoked a bit of dope as a student or in their early 20s but had stopped when they grew up and got a bit more responsible. But couldn't be with someone who still partook as a 'proper' adult. (ie over 25)

I couldn't have anything other than a casual fling (if I were single!) with a man who used cannabis or any other drug regularly. But i particularly hate cannabis as the smell makes me heave and the people who smoke it regularly seem so flat and glazed. It's a massive turn off.

I'd tell him.Tell him you like him and have no intention of changing him but it's only right to be honest that you find drug use repulsive because of your history with it and you can;t really see this developing because of it.

@VelvetChairGirl

I too grew up in a area full of it, my brother and his mates smoked it, now all his mates are dead, prison or as mental as he is, and he's a fully paid up conspiracy nut who's been getting increasingly paranoid and into that rubbish over the last 30 years, he is at the point now where its pointless talking to him about anything, he thinks even the weather is controlled, he is in his 50's and mooches off my father, he has no bank account, no ID etc because he doesnt want "The Man" tracking him.

all his mates who didnt smoke it but did other things mainly coke and speed are either dead (the speed ones are all dead) or have cleaned themselves up and hold down jobs and lead perfectly respectable lives.

I refuse to believe that weed is harmless it messes up your head it may take along time to show but its irraversable, I have seen the desperation of family members trying to get weed users to stop who would rather buy weed with their last few pounds then put food in the fridge, I have given up on a few myself who plead poverty and beg for loans rather then stop and get their priorities in order.

and IMHO its worse then other drugs and drinking because the smoke gets everywhere you cant escape breathing it in, the kids breath it in, my friend had to move home because of weed smokers downstairs and the stink coming up thru the floor. they stink in general you can smell them on public transport.

So no you are not being unreasonable if you dont want to be around that crap.

This

I'm fairly relaxed about cannabis, and have seen alcohol cause a lot more damage. However at my age I'm not interested in having it near my home etc so wouldn't be compatible with someone for whom it's a regular habit. If we're talking indulges occasionally at festivals etc I could live with it but not as part of day to day life. It's not about judgement, or whether or not or should be legalised. You don't like it therefore you're not compatible with someone who is a regular smoker.
I don't like cigarettes I wouldn't be in a relationship with a smoker. It's not complicated

You have opposing views and you do not have to change yours simply to stay in a relationship.

If they do not wish to give up cannabis/their mindset is a polar opposite you are absolutely able to call it a day.

I have a drug addict ex, I was a raver and now straight edge (very sober) so here's my view; stonners are often dull and self centred so they're a no go form me. I don't judge mates by their habbits but partners need to be similar in their attitudes to things like the law, sex and all the big stuff.

I think this would fast become a practical, social and financial issue if you stayed together.