Personal Moral Issue with partner

[Swindonia22]

Hello everyone,

Hope everyone had a nice Christmas and NY!

Apologies if this is in the wrong forum area but I have an issues which I am struggling with. I recently started dating a lovely person, they are truly great...but, it is evident we have had very different lives and being brought up with different beliefs. The biggest difference we have is around cannabis and the use of it. Off the bat, I have never done it, nor have any intention. I grew up in an area where drugs was an issue and people really struggled with them. Late on in life, my job now is working with and around people who has had their lives wrecked by either going down the drug route, or was brought up in a household where drugs and alcohol came first.

Because of this, I have this moral issue as to where I stand with people who do use it. My partner is one of these people.

I have really, really tried being open minded about it but I am struggling with it. I don't want to change them but equally, I don't want to be around it nor look like I accept it when I do not. I also would hate it anywhere near my house.

Am I being unreasonable here? I have a feeling the replies will be either pro/against it but wanted to see what other thoughts are?

Neither of you are being unreasonable, I'm not against smoking weed but you are so you need to knock this one on the head. you are just not compatible.

But remember that's why we date, you are getting to know someone, what's important to them and what's important to you and what is a good compromise as there is always compromise. Its just the same as if they were really into football and you weren't or religion or liked holidays to far flung places off the beaten track and you liked a hotel on a costa etc.

You'll meet someone you get along with better.

"This is also similar to my personal experiences. All the original Ibiza raver generation late 40s dropping like flies.

Have lost 3 close family/friends to addiction in the past 18 months and another two have been sectioned in the last 4 years. These were daily weed smokers who also did coke occasionally. It’s shocking that they have left young widows and children.

I also have experience of alcoholic family members - they also reeked havoc on their families but seemed to survive miraculously into their 60s and 70s.

It’s a bit of a detour from the thread but I wonder if we are familiar with the trajectory of alcoholism but this is the first generation where mass weed / coke consumption is taking its toll on the individuals who are unable to moderate."

the thing is he was smoking it in his teens to 20s, he stopped but mentally he's just got worse, ever since, and his mates the ones left who didnt stop just got worse until the point he cut them off saying they were crazy, he fully thinks that too much weed smoking fucks your brain over from what he's seen in his friends and how they went down. but he is completely incapable of seeing it in himself, I wouldn't even walk down the street with him now days he loudly shouts about Jews and illuminati (we have Jewish heritage), its embarrassing, he's completely useless and its so sad to see a man who was a electrician by trade shouting about 5G and phone masts when he should know better, he used to know better.

I don't object if its what people want to do, I know enough people who do, from casual/occasional use, to full on 'space cadets' who are constantly stoned.

I kinda see it as if they want to do it, its their lookout. I did try it briefly in my late teens/early 20s and TBH.. I hated it.. it was just the 'cool' thing to do in my social scene at the time.

Most of us grew out of it.. my ex and several of his friends (male and female) never did.

Now I'm single, I don't think I'd consider a partner who did it either... the people I know who still do are all very childish, or selfish, or mentally unstable tbh.

I agree with you.

Life is such a misery with a stoner, or with any other addictions including the legal and socially acceptable ones like cycling and workaholism.

If you are lucky enough to spot the signs of these things early, you still have a chance to find a good life with someone else.

I don’t stand in moral judgement but I wouldn’t sacrifice my happiness and that of future dc for someone who chooses drugs.

This would be a deal breaker. My DW is very anti drugs, has never tried them etc. I was a bit of a clubber when we met, occasional drug use, but when I knew it was her or drugs I promised her it wouldn’t be part of our lives.
Best decision I ever made.
Talk to her and tell her it’s a dealbreaker. Explain why. She can then decide whether she thinks that you’re still compatible and she wants to give up weed.

@VelvetChairGirl

"This is also similar to my personal experiences. All the original Ibiza raver generation late 40s dropping like flies.

Have lost 3 close family/friends to addiction in the past 18 months and another two have been sectioned in the last 4 years. These were daily weed smokers who also did coke occasionally. It’s shocking that they have left young widows and children.

I also have experience of alcoholic family members - they also reeked havoc on their families but seemed to survive miraculously into their 60s and 70s.

It’s a bit of a detour from the thread but I wonder if we are familiar with the trajectory of alcoholism but this is the first generation where mass weed / coke consumption is taking its toll on the individuals who are unable to moderate."

the thing is he was smoking it in his teens to 20s, he stopped but mentally he's just got worse, ever since, and his mates the ones left who didnt stop just got worse until the point he cut them off saying they were crazy, he fully thinks that too much weed smoking fucks your brain over from what he's seen in his friends and how they went down. but he is completely incapable of seeing it in himself, I wouldn't even walk down the street with him now days he loudly shouts about Jews and illuminati (we have Jewish heritage), its embarrassing, he's completely useless and its so sad to see a man who was a electrician by trade shouting about 5G and phone masts when he should know better, he used to know better.

Yes we had all of the Illuminati racist drivel to contend with as well - painfully boring. It’s just sad watching the cognitive spiral with all of the conspiracy stuff.

@BerthaBlythe

Life is such a misery with a stoner, or with any other addictions including the legal and socially acceptable ones like cycling and workaholism.

If you are lucky enough to spot the signs of these things early, you still have a chance to find a good life with someone else.

I don’t stand in moral judgement but I wouldn’t sacrifice my happiness and that of future dc for someone who chooses drugs.

Some of us dont choose I was an alcoholic because of my mother (she gave me a choice as a child tap water or booze, I think she wanted a drinking partner).

by the time I was a teen it was a miserable existence consumed with planning for the next drink and tying to hide it, didnt want anyone seeing me with the shakes in public.

but if someone wanted to date me at that time I would have wanted them to help me. if someone doesn't want help or resents being told to stop they are not ready to stop/in denial. I'd hang around a few months like 6 or so as a friend with potential then make my exit if nothing changed on the matter personally.

"Yes we had all of the Illuminati racist drivel to contend with as well - painfully boring. It’s just sad watching the cognitive spiral with all of the conspiracy stuff."

yep I think its a general feeling of paranoia that something isnt right with the world around them that draws them all to the same shit, I also think they find comfort in it, theres something less frightening in thinking everything is planned out for years from the the shadows and controlled, compared to thinking random people get voted to lead countries and have their hands on the nuke button every 4 years and that shit just happens.

@Momicrone

I think it's similar to alcohol, both can spiral out of control and cause untold damage, but one is legal, will you feel differently when they legalise it?

This is a good point. I feel much the same about cannabis and alcohol. I wouldn't want to be intimately involved with someone who is a regular user of either.

An occasional glass of wine with dinner, or whisky of a winter's eve, or sharing a spliff outdoors at a festival - sure. Habitually reaching for either on a daily or weekly basis - not for me.

I know this is unusual in the UK, where excessive alcohol consumption is normalised, even glorified. I do support legalising cannabis.

Up to and when I met DH I had 3 questions —- are you a criminal? Do you use drugs? Do you use pornography? Any ‘yes’ and they were dropped quicker than a hot potato. Non negotiable points for me.

I wouldn't date a cannabis user again. Two of my exes were obsessed with it and they were both losers. And they stank. It sounds like you aren't compatible. Oh and one thing I've noticed about a lot of cannabis users is they claim they aren't addicted to it when they clearly are. I am not actually against drugs per se by the way, I just don't want to date a stoner.

Get rid. It'll just annoy you. Not worth it.

Alcohol is far worse btw, i wouldnt mind at all but only if its smoked now and then and not all the time.

@Suzanne999

Up to and when I met DH I had 3 questions —- are you a criminal? Do you use drugs? Do you use pornography? Any ‘yes’ and they were dropped quicker than a hot potato. Non negotiable points for me.

Pornography? come on 99% of men prob do and if they say no they are lying !

I really don't think he's for you! Attitudes to drugs are a spectrum and I think you need to be with someone fairly near to you to have a happy relationship. I do take party drugs socially and would have no problem with someone who had a spliff a few evenings a week, but mornings/everyday would be a no from me.

I've had people stop dating me who are anti-drugs when they found out I do them occasionally and that's completely fine. Even though I'm happy with drug use in moderation, I stopped seeing someone who was a really heavy user as I didn't think we were compatible. I just said I didn't think we were compatible rather than going into reasons and it was fine too!

You have incompatible values. Move one.

Most of my old friends from my early to mid-teens do drug... I do NOT.

Strangely most are anti-drink where as I don't mind a normal level of drinking (I don't drink much, 1-2 vodka and cokes on a night out are about my limit... too old for hangovers lol).

I love them as people but honestly I hate the drug use.

I have one friend who is a LOVELY guy - really laid back, down to earth and easy to get along with (and while theoretical as I'm happily settled and married) but I don't think I could ever personally date him despite how great he is because he smokes a shocking amount of weed and that's just not something I could physically live with or would want my kids around.

Can I ask do people also consider drinking wine every evening or smoking cigarettes as drug use? They are drugs too but they are just legal, I don't think any fights have broken out over too much cannabis for example....................

I know it's a shame when they're lovely in any other way, but cannabis would be a 100% dealbreaker for me. I married a dope smoker when I was in my 20s and it was awful - he was the least motivated, most antisocial man ever.

Don't give a second thought to moving on.

but having dated a user when I was much younger, I definitely have a lifestyle issue with it. I would never date a stoner again, not even a moderate user.

Same.

They are drugs too but they are just legal, I don't think any fights have broken out over too much cannabis for example

It’s a bogus argument because it’s irrelevant, but I have seen fights break out amongst people who are stoned.

I also still remember the words an ex-stoner friend of my older brother once said to me when I was a teenager and he was warning me off it. He said he got to the point where he couldn’t deal with a crisis without a joint, and that a crisis became that he had to go to work. It was when he injured a patient because he was stoned as a hospital porter that he realised he had to change.

I think the fact the substance is a drug is potentially a bit of a red herring in this situation. Essentially if you asked the same question but about something else the things that affect you would be similar. For example say it was chocolate , are you okay with them eating chocolate? What about if they do not eat chocolate in front of you but di when out with friends. How would you feel when they came home if you s.elt the chocolate but didn't tell you? Would you feel disrespected as they had consumed something you are ethically against? Would you feel that your beliefs and morals are being seen as unimportant and something that it is okay to sneak around and hide from you? If they told you they had eaten it would you feel happy they had told you ? Or would you feel it was a dominance play to be little your beliefs and step over your boundaries? I think things like this are universal issues around how people treat you/relate to you. It is okay to have boundaries that you will not cross. It is okay to not allow people that disrespect your boundaries to be involved with you.
Although these types of things are universal potential issues, i feel they on one hand are relevant regardless of it bring cannabiss. However i do think that the fact it is cannabis and thr OPs job etc. Make it an extra emotive situation and of course legality issues etc. Can be complications of their own.
As a total aside OP may i just take this opportunity to thank you for the job that you do. As someone that is close to a person with addiction issues, i know that working with such clients is difficult but so necessary and i have seen first hand the difference that such workers can make, so to you and all those in similar roles i thank you. I thank you for your care of not only thr client but also for your care of those whom the clients addiction has affected. I will forever recall and be humbled by the care of one such worker whom ensured we received a parcel last Christmas containing food and two presents. I will forever remember the feeling of being cared about. It had various non perishables etc. But also lovely treats like chocolate. That was the only Christmas present i have received in approximately twenty years and i can not express how loved it made me feel. They had put a gift in of a soap and glory set which had a Manicure tool and some lotions. The person with the ex addiction issues was able to give this to me to unwrap on Christmas and on seeing my reaction it was a huge boost they needed to really progress with their treatment etc. I apologise for posting on your thread with something that isn't what you were asking and i thank you for having given me the opportunity to share it. I hope this anecdotal memory can spark some meaning for someone out there . Thankyou again x

I think , people say 'stoner' but its not all like that, if we drink wine we are not necessarily alcoholics. Yes some are 'stoners' and you get an image of this, scruffy, smelly, long hair, but I know many professionals who like a joint a few times a week , or maybe once a week. I even had some myself in Amsterdam, so its not always black and white as that!!

It doesn't matter what other people's stance is. You don't accept it and he does.

The biggest cause of long term break ups is incompatibility on moral beliefs and values I'm led to believe.

If you have such significantly different beliefs about this now, this will not change, and will surely cause bigger problems down the line.

I'd consider this one not to be and end it if I were you