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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Personal Moral Issue with partner

193 replies

Swindonia22 · 05/01/2022 12:35

Hello everyone,

Hope everyone had a nice Christmas and NY!

Apologies if this is in the wrong forum area but I have an issues which I am struggling with. I recently started dating a lovely person, they are truly great...but, it is evident we have had very different lives and being brought up with different beliefs. The biggest difference we have is around cannabis and the use of it. Off the bat, I have never done it, nor have any intention. I grew up in an area where drugs was an issue and people really struggled with them. Late on in life, my job now is working with and around people who has had their lives wrecked by either going down the drug route, or was brought up in a household where drugs and alcohol came first.

Because of this, I have this moral issue as to where I stand with people who do use it. My partner is one of these people.

I have really, really tried being open minded about it but I am struggling with it. I don't want to change them but equally, I don't want to be around it nor look like I accept it when I do not. I also would hate it anywhere near my house.

Am I being unreasonable here? I have a feeling the replies will be either pro/against it but wanted to see what other thoughts are?

OP posts:
Phrenologistsfinger · 05/01/2022 12:58

That’s a hard pass from me. I might make an exception say if a partner had terminal cancer and wanted to use it for pain relief or whatever. But not in my home or in my presence.

APerfectSky · 05/01/2022 13:00

@ChargingBuck

Am I being unreasonable here? I have a feeling the replies will be either pro/against it but wanted to see what other thoughts are?

Why?
None of us are dating your new b/f, so it's irrelevant what our stance on cannabis is.

Only YOU can decide where your boundary is.
As you also have a professional role in advising/supporting people affected by drugs, it's a no-brainer, isn't it?

So YOU decide what is reasonable, for YOU - & then act on it.
It's not unreasonable to not want to date a spliffhead. It's your personal choice, nothing to do with fairness, or what anyone else thinks.

Sorry you have this quandary with a man you are keen on ... but it's pretty obvious what you need to do, isn't it? There are millions of men out there, & you will find another good'un, who isn't interested in cannabis.

Interestingly, Op was very careful not to specify if they or the partner we're male or female...

Op, does your partner actually use cannabis, or is it just a theoretical moral issue?

MargotEmin · 05/01/2022 13:01

I don't have a moral issue with it (I think it should be decriminalised) - but having dated a user when I was much younger, I definitely have a lifestyle issue with it. I would never date a stoner again, not even a moderate user.

AlternativePerspective · 05/01/2022 13:01

I think it's similar to alcohol, both can spiral out of control and cause untold damage, but one is legal, will you feel differently when they legalise it? no I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t want my house to stink of weed any more than I would of tobacco, and I wouldn’t date a smoker either.

Scarlettpixie · 05/01/2022 13:02

I dabbled in my teens and 20s with cigarettes and canabis but wouldn’t date anyone who did other drugs. Now I wouldn’t date anyone who smoked or did any drugs.

Its ok to draw those lines OP.

MorningStarling · 05/01/2022 13:04

There are two pieces of key information missing.

  1. Is cannabis illegal where you live?
  2. Does your partner actually use it or do they just have a more relaxed attitude to it?

Increasingly parts of the world are relaxing the rules on cannabis. We can't assume that the OP lives somewhere it's banned.

I have a liberal view of cannabis use and don't judge people who use it. But I've never used it myself and won't until it is legally available. Then, I might try it.

CaptainMyCaptain · 05/01/2022 13:05

@Paq

This is not a moral issue. You have different ideas of how to live life. You're simply not compatible. I'm with you, cannabis users are so tedious.
It is a moral issue if you take into account the smuggling, trafficked people working in grow houses, children roped into County Lines etc.

I agree cannabis users are tedious, though, and OP is not compatible with this man.

FangsForTheMemory · 05/01/2022 13:07

I had a very good friend whose husband used cannabis. It led to them breaking up, because he simply did nothing about finding work, just sat at home smoking it. I'm with you. It's NOT as harmless as some people say.

Neron · 05/01/2022 13:08

YANBU
The issues with drugs are immense. Crime, violence, not to mention how it destroys lives.
No matter how 'lovely' a person was, I'd never entertain a relationship with them.

Sanada · 05/01/2022 13:08

YANBU - You aren't compatible. As a former stoner, cannabis while not being as harmful as alcohol(imo), is not good longterm either. Would never go back to it and I would never be in a relationship with a stoner.

EmmasMum12 · 05/01/2022 13:09

It's not a moral issue. If your partner wants to use drugs they can

But remember that YOU don't want drugs in your life

So don't be in a relationship with someone who does

For example I wouldnt date someone who drank alcohol to (my idea of) excess

No judgement. I just don't want that in my life

spotcheck · 05/01/2022 13:09

It would be a massive turn off for me. I wouldn't accommodate it in my life because I don't want to.

But I agree with pp- your boundaries are your boundaries

EBearhug · 05/01/2022 13:13

It is a moral issue if you take into account the smuggling, trafficked people working in grow houses, children roped into County Lines etc.

This. You can't get ethically-produced drugs, unless they're self-grown, and that’s a whole separate issue. By use alone, I'd rather be with a cannabis user than an alcoholic, but I wouldn't want to be with a heavy user of either, legal or otherwise, especially not smokers. But you can't divorce cannabis (or other drug) use from its production and distribution.

Pod351 · 05/01/2022 13:15

@Swindonia22

Hello everyone,

Hope everyone had a nice Christmas and NY!

Apologies if this is in the wrong forum area but I have an issues which I am struggling with. I recently started dating a lovely person, they are truly great...but, it is evident we have had very different lives and being brought up with different beliefs. The biggest difference we have is around cannabis and the use of it. Off the bat, I have never done it, nor have any intention. I grew up in an area where drugs was an issue and people really struggled with them. Late on in life, my job now is working with and around people who has had their lives wrecked by either going down the drug route, or was brought up in a household where drugs and alcohol came first.

Because of this, I have this moral issue as to where I stand with people who do use it. My partner is one of these people.

I have really, really tried being open minded about it but I am struggling with it. I don't want to change them but equally, I don't want to be around it nor look like I accept it when I do not. I also would hate it anywhere near my house.

Am I being unreasonable here? I have a feeling the replies will be either pro/against it but wanted to see what other thoughts are?

I think that the reality is that your lifestyles are not compatible, sadly. Unless a compromise can be reached between you (a fair one) then you're just one/both changing to suit your partner and that isn't a great foundation for a relationship. Hope you can work it out.
Walking4You · 05/01/2022 13:17

YANBU
I voted like this NOT because of my position about cannabis.

But you have your own beliefs, your own morals and your own beliefs on what is right or wrong.
People can have different beliefs that's normal. Nothing is black and whte.

However, you shouldnt never renegate or ignore something as fundamental as your own morals for a man/partner, however 'good and nice' they are.
For me it would be akind to saying that you think being faintfull is essential in a relationship but you were trying to build something with a partner than believes in an open marriage. It just cannot work.

Shedmistress · 05/01/2022 13:17

It is a deal breaker for me. I'd never be with someone who took drugs.

Lucia23 · 05/01/2022 13:17

I broke up with someone partly for this reason recently. I didn't have an issue at first but as I didn't like him smoking in my home. This put pressure on for me to visit him and there was an imbalance.

He was actually from Jamaica and I do understand his ties to it, but it wasn't for me. I hate smoking as it is.

mindutopia · 05/01/2022 13:17

There's just no way this relationship can work really, no matter how nice he is. I have a moral issue with smoking (tobacco, though I wouldn't like cannabis either). I also just can't stand it. I've never in my adult life had a relationship with a smoker (I rule them out before first date usually). I don't really even have any friends who smoke either. It just wouldn't have worked for me long-term living with and having children with someone who smoked.

Toottooot · 05/01/2022 13:19

How long have you and your recently met ‘partner’ been together? Sounds like you should just move on.

PeskyYeti · 05/01/2022 13:19

@gogohm

I wouldn't be with a smoker, tobacco or cannabis. Non negotiable
Same. You're just not compatible. Cut your losses now and move on.
Fairyliz · 05/01/2022 13:21

Just dump the useless druggie and save yourself years of heartache.

Fidgetty · 05/01/2022 13:21

You are fundamentally incompatible. Cut your losses now while it's still early days.

I have a friend who always smoked (cigarettes not cannabis) she smoked when she met her DH. Like most people he HATES smoking however he knew she was a smoker when they started seeing each other. He turned into a complete controlling weirdo about it. She ended up trying to hide it and he'd make desperate attempts to trick her and catch her out. It was so odd and still continues to this day I believe. My point being - you don't want to be that person! Find someone who shares your values/lifestyle. I wouldn't be with someone who regularly smokes weed either. Their brains end up fried eventually. Lots of paranoia etc. my sister worked in a mental health facility and it can even induce psychosis. Steer clear.

ANameChangeAgain · 05/01/2022 13:22

I think your job makes this a conflict of interests, so you can't be with him.
He needs to choose between you and his cannabis, if he chooses cannabis then he either isn't that bothered about your, or it isn't as unaddictive as users claim.

Etinoxaurus · 05/01/2022 13:23

You have every right to not date someone for any reason. It’s called having boundaries.

VelvetChairGirl · 05/01/2022 13:23

I too grew up in a area full of it, my brother and his mates smoked it, now all his mates are dead, prison or as mental as he is, and he's a fully paid up conspiracy nut who's been getting increasingly paranoid and into that rubbish over the last 30 years, he is at the point now where its pointless talking to him about anything, he thinks even the weather is controlled, he is in his 50's and mooches off my father, he has no bank account, no ID etc because he doesnt want "The Man" tracking him.

all his mates who didnt smoke it but did other things mainly coke and speed are either dead (the speed ones are all dead) or have cleaned themselves up and hold down jobs and lead perfectly respectable lives.

I refuse to believe that weed is harmless it messes up your head it may take along time to show but its irraversable, I have seen the desperation of family members trying to get weed users to stop who would rather buy weed with their last few pounds then put food in the fridge, I have given up on a few myself who plead poverty and beg for loans rather then stop and get their priorities in order.

and IMHO its worse then other drugs and drinking because the smoke gets everywhere you cant escape breathing it in, the kids breath it in, my friend had to move home because of weed smokers downstairs and the stink coming up thru the floor. they stink in general you can smell them on public transport.

So no you are not being unreasonable if you dont want to be around that crap.