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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Personal Moral Issue with partner

193 replies

Swindonia22 · 05/01/2022 12:35

Hello everyone,

Hope everyone had a nice Christmas and NY!

Apologies if this is in the wrong forum area but I have an issues which I am struggling with. I recently started dating a lovely person, they are truly great...but, it is evident we have had very different lives and being brought up with different beliefs. The biggest difference we have is around cannabis and the use of it. Off the bat, I have never done it, nor have any intention. I grew up in an area where drugs was an issue and people really struggled with them. Late on in life, my job now is working with and around people who has had their lives wrecked by either going down the drug route, or was brought up in a household where drugs and alcohol came first.

Because of this, I have this moral issue as to where I stand with people who do use it. My partner is one of these people.

I have really, really tried being open minded about it but I am struggling with it. I don't want to change them but equally, I don't want to be around it nor look like I accept it when I do not. I also would hate it anywhere near my house.

Am I being unreasonable here? I have a feeling the replies will be either pro/against it but wanted to see what other thoughts are?

OP posts:
Marimaur · 05/01/2022 14:10

I think you’re pretty clear on where your boundaries are, so it doesn’t sound like you’re compatible.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 05/01/2022 14:12

Sorry I didn't realise your partner was female. Then you need to split up with her before you become more deeply involved!

Tara336 · 05/01/2022 14:14

It’s not something i could tolerate tbh, I’ve seen the damage that “harmless” cannabis use can do. I’m afraid it would be the end of the relationship the minute I knew about this

tomorrowalready · 05/01/2022 14:15

@Swindonia22, you say you don't want to change your partner but if you consider something they are doing immoral (your term) surely you do want them to change? Or not to associate yourself with them?
I agree with what most of the posters are saying about cannabis smokers and you having the right not to want it in your life for any reason. If you do not want it in your house and consider it a moral question to spend time with users the answer is obvious.

Lalliella · 05/01/2022 14:15

I’m with you OP. My brother’s life was ruined with drug use, mainly just cannabis. I hate drug dealers with a passion. I couldn’t be with anyone who is into drugs. You sound like a nice person, I’m sure there’s another nice person out there for you.

SarahJessicaParker1 · 05/01/2022 14:16

Love how we got to four pages in before op clarified the genders. Classic

Anyway, I would be friends with people (of either sex/gender) but would not date anyone (of either sex/gender) of they regularly / currently took drugs

EmmaH2022 · 05/01/2022 14:18

I can't see how you can be compatible, sorry.

No idea what the sexes have to do with anything.

ShinyHappyPoster · 05/01/2022 14:20

I don't think the sex of OP and their partner is relevant. Their views on drug use are incompatible. There's no point pretending it's going to work. It won't.

Original poster
Swindonia22 · 05/01/2022 14:20

@SarahJessicaParker1

Love how we got to four pages in before op clarified the genders. Classic

Anyway, I would be friends with people (of either sex/gender) but would not date anyone (of either sex/gender) of they regularly / currently took drugs

It is interesting to see how there is assumptions although I appreciate why. That being said, it should not make a difference to be fair :)
OP posts:
SpindleyCrow · 05/01/2022 14:21

I'm open-minded about cannabis use, but you're entitled to have your view, OP, and to act on it. He's not the one for you.

SarahJessicaParker1 · 05/01/2022 14:23

Sorry, I. Sure you're totally genuine. But these threads do come up a lot and sometimes it is less genuine people who come on to be goady because they believe men are so hard done by by mean laydeez and I'll get a "gotcha" on Mumsnet.

It doesn't make sense to me either and neither do the sexes matter (except to the aforementioned weirdos).

Anyway, whatever, I'm not into drugs and wouldn't date anyone who did them. You feel the same. You cannot date her

tomorrowalready · 05/01/2022 14:27

Do you mean that it is unusual for a female to be involved with drug use or that a male partner should be concerned with the drug use of a female partner? Like many here I lve in a place where drug use is common, have to share communal spaces with users and their 'friends'/dealers and most of them are female. Since you say you are involved professionally in the results of drug use, you'd probably be better to sperate your personal life.

SpindleyCrow · 05/01/2022 14:27

I don't see how biological sex could matter unless there is scientific evidence to suggest cannabis affects one sex's brain/physiology more than the other?

I know cannabis use is greater amongst males in the UK than females, but that's a gendered, social phenomenon.

And yeah, I agree I've seen too many gender-switch gotchas on here to be entirely confortable with them.

Puremule · 05/01/2022 14:29

Cannabis wouldn't bother me at all, I don't use it but I have had partners who did in the past and it was no problem, I prefer it a million times over booze.

However, you have your values and your boundaries and they are very important in the fabric of who you are. Is she does not align with what you hold dear then you have to let her go. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I would feel the same about someone who got drunk a lot, not for me and that is ok.

Original poster
Swindonia22 · 05/01/2022 14:29

@SarahJessicaParker1

Sorry, I. Sure you're totally genuine. But these threads do come up a lot and sometimes it is less genuine people who come on to be goady because they believe men are so hard done by by mean laydeez and I'll get a "gotcha" on Mumsnet.

It doesn't make sense to me either and neither do the sexes matter (except to the aforementioned weirdos).

Anyway, whatever, I'm not into drugs and wouldn't date anyone who did them. You feel the same. You cannot date her

No worries at all, I totally get that. And exactly, it doesn't make a difference.

Yeah, and it has been a huge issue on my mind. Oddly, in some circles, I am seen as the freak for hating it. But that is the way of the world it seems.

OP posts:
SarahJessicaParker1 · 05/01/2022 14:30

@SpindleyCrow

I don't see how biological sex could matter unless there is scientific evidence to suggest cannabis affects one sex's brain/physiology more than the other?

I know cannabis use is greater amongst males in the UK than females, but that's a gendered, social phenomenon.

And yeah, I agree I've seen too many gender-switch gotchas on here to be entirely confortable with them.

Yes, exactly. Gender-switch gotchas - well put

Sorry, I'm sure that isn't you though op, but that is why I'm a bit edgy around threads where it's gender neutral until they garner lots of opinions and then the big reveal iyswim? I'm sure you understand Smile. And I'm sure it wasn't what you meant to do

AskItaliano · 05/01/2022 14:31

You're not compatible.

I had an ex who smoked it. I'm absolutely not against it morally, legalise drugs already ffs. I've done it myself in my youth. But at that point in my life in my twenties I was looking to settle down with someone and I would never set up home with someone who took drugs or was a drinker. We split up. I wouldn't be with someone who smoked either unless they could prove they'd give it up before kids (I smoked before I was ready to start a family but knew I wouldn't be happy in a household with smoking and kids together).

No need to feel guilty, or try persuade yourself to tolerate this.

Yummypumpkin · 05/01/2022 14:32

It's an intoxicant. It changes how your brain works.

It's illegal.

A casual user wouldn't be an issue. It's evident he is reliant.

Please don't see this as a personal moral choice to compromise on....it's a sign of someone breaking the law, messing with their mood and intellect and possibly not dealing with other issues.

billy1966 · 05/01/2022 14:32

The gender is irrelevant.

Drug use is a huge lifestyle choice that I simply wouldn't entertain in a partner.

You are not compatible and that won't change.

Move on.

wheretonow123 · 05/01/2022 14:35

Have you explained your feelings to her?

If I was doing something and my partner had an issue with it that could be a deal breaker I would like to know.

If you feel that she is the right person to you in other ways (and this may not be the case considering this) then I think that you should explain your position and give her a chance to stop before you break up.

thefourgp · 05/01/2022 14:37

I think it’s important that taking drugs / drinking alcohol is an issue you should be in agreement about because a large part of your social life together may revolve around this. e,g, I don’t do drugs and rarely drink alcohol (did lots when I was younger but that was then) so I don’t think I could date someone who spends a large amount of time doing those things as it’s unlikely we’d enjoy spending time much together.

Crispleaves · 05/01/2022 14:39

I have neighbours on two sides that use cannabis and I hate it. The smell is disgusting and wafts into our house, including in through my children’s bedroom window which is near one of the neighbours garden. I think it’s really selfish for people to smoke cannabis anywhere that non-smokers will have to put up with the stench or breathe it in against their will.

BlingLoving · 05/01/2022 14:45

You haven't clarified if she uses it a lot or just doesn't care that other people use it? But assuming she uses it, and you're not comfortable with that, then yes, it's a perfectly legitimate reason to break up.

DH doesn't drink. I do. I do not drink to excess and certainly it's legal. Nonetheless, if he didn't like drinking at all, then this relationship would not have continued and I'd have been fine with that. Because the last thing I'd want is to feel uncomfortable having a glass of wine of an evening. Similarly, the vast bulk of the things him and I do together does not involve alcohol. Again, much as I like a drink, I have no need for our "couple" things to include alcohol so it's fine. But if I was the type who wanted most date nights to be in the pub or sharing a fancy bottle of wine over dinner, the relationship would not have lasted (I share fancy wine with my friends instead).

ravenmum · 05/01/2022 14:49

Where I live it's likely to be made legal this year. I find the smell quite pleasant. Doesn't do anything for me but my middle-aged bf smokes it occasionally, without any obvious negative effects. So I'd not immediately be put off by cannabis alone. You, on the other hand, are put off by it, so if your partner wants to keep on doing it then she's not the one for you.

AcrossthePond55 · 05/01/2022 14:50

Nah, it'll never work. No one should compromise their morals for another person. Likewise, no one has the right to insist that another person abide by their morals.

I live where weed is legal for recreational use. I partake very occasionally at about the same rate as I drink alcohol, a classic 'social drinker/smoker'. So obviously I don't have a problem with either substance. Both are mind-altering, both are addicting, both can have terrible social consequences. But both, used judiciously and not to excess, are very relaxing and 'cheering'.

That being said, I would NEVER date a heavy user of either alcohol or weed. Especially if I lived in a place where they are illegal.